How can I get my partner to be brave and be honest?

[Zabeburr]

I've been married for 27 years. My partner is not interested in sex at all or any kind of intimacy. When I've tried to raise it, he says 'it's not just down to me', except I think it is because he knows how much I want , and have always wanted, intimacy. I got to the point where I felt embarrassed knowing it was only me that wanted sex. Once the kids got past 5 years old he was reluctant. (We have 3) Felt self conscious. He had an affair ( albeit briefly) twenty years ago but we had counseling afterwards and worked hard to get close again. He was never one to chase me round the bed and perhaps I was a bit selfish because I was never one to lay down and think of England type thing.

We had a weekend away last year and a trip to the chemist was needed ( viagra) and that has put the nail in the coffin for me. He obviously doesn't 'feel it' anymore and I wouldn't mind , if he was just honest. He never wants to talk about any issues we have and I feel like I'm being mardy or nagging if I say we should talk about the relationship.
We generally have a lot of fun and make each laugh but I am fundamentally unhappy. I want to feel treasured and adored - as I'm sure he does too. I've tried to 'entice him' (😬) in the past by getting fit, getting trim... whatever... I am a bit out of condition now ( as is he!) but surely it can't be just that? I honestly feel that the spark went after we had our first child. I'm so sad but also quite lonely really. He just can't be honest with me. I love him, he's lovely, but I think we have come to the end of the road and wish we could just face it together. Am I expecting too much after so many years? Thank you for reading. 😞

Sadly, I think you are flogging a dead horse.

Can you put together a feasible plan to get out and live your best life?

Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies...

(NB: report your own post and ask for the thread to be moved to Relationships)

I think your remark about the Viagra triggered some antipathy. It sounds very much as if you want sex, but only if it's driven by pure desire and consummated through autonomous physical process.

I'd say this would be understandable. It's also unrealistic, though, as a lot of men have difficulty to maintain an erection as years wear on. Fortunately they now have meds that really work, as contrasted with the various pepper, oyster and herb concoctions the poor sods relied on in the past! Oh, and bulls' testicles - which probably did work, but I bet it was embarrassing to place a subscription order with the local abattoir 😏

So the things you may need to pull apart by yourself and with your husband include: Are you more bothered by not feeling loved/desired sexually, or pissed off that he doesn't seem to be functioning sexually? How does each of you feel about Viagra-supported sex as an option? How about testosterone treatment?

Before you ditch the marriage, and depending on your mutual attitudes to all or any of the above, I'd strongly recommend looking into hormone treatment. Low libido is the main symptom of reduced testosterone; this actually extends to 'lust for life' and more generalised enthusiasm. You can get the lower-dose varieties (gel) from Superdrug, no need to talk to the GP.

https://onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/testosterone-replacement-therapy.html

OP, I was once in a very similar position to you. Basically DH and I hadn't had sex for 20 odd years. I persuaded him to go to the doctors but nothing was phsysically wrong, I spoke to him gently, I "tempted him" and got angry with him. I tried everything really. In the end I had to accept that he just didn't want sex with me. Otherwise we had a good marriage with lots of laughter and conversation. It was so, so hard to accept (not that I flatter myself at all) but it is a bitter pill to swallow. I know some posters are saying that love can be shown in other ways but honestly a total and prolonged rejection of intimacy really does make you feel worthless, no matter how many words of affection or cuddles you get.

I don't think anyone would begrudge you a discreet "friendship" elsewhere OP if leaving your marriage does not suit either of you.

You've done your best and he's not interested. Stop flogging a dead horse.

Report your post using the Report Button & ask Mumsnet to move it to the Relationship Board!

Actually I've done it for you!

If he refuses to talk about it, I guess your chances of getting him to the doctor or relationship counselling or sex therapy are nil.

I would look to divorce as amicably as possible and try to maintain your friendship.

There are no guarantees that you'll find what's missing and a new partner, but life is short and it's worth a try.

I wouldn't normally recommend this but could you send him an email or a message setting out how unhappy you are, give him a chance to read it & think about it?

Its not because of who you are its because of who he is. Please stop taking ownership of his dysfunction as if it was yours. He could make you feel loved and desired even if he can’t get it up—P in V is not the only intimacy available. He just is selfish, unimaginative, and satisfied with a non sexual relationship.

Wasnt too self conscious when he had an affair was he?
Makes plans to leave, don't waste anymore time being this miserable.

Be sensible. He had an affair TWENTY years ago. It's hardly the big revelation on what's happening now. E is the most likely answer.

I know exactly how awful you feel OP. But know it isn’t you, this is all on him.

i wasn’t married or with kids, but in a sexless relationship for 5 years. It almost broke me. My self esteem and confidence were in tatters. Relationship was great in most other ways, but the constant rejection really eats away at you.

We had counselling for several months. Turned out he loved me and had sexual thoughts about other people, but the idea of being intimate with me “repulsed” him.

No way I could get past that. Broke up and I moved on to a man that adores me in every way and have built my self esteem back to where it should’ve been all along.

This is all on him and you need brutal honesty if you are ever going to move forward, whether that’s together or apart. Big hugs xx

Thanks for all the replies. Urgh. FFS. 😓
Marmaladeandpeanutbutter :
What does 'E is the most likely answer' mean?
I can't believe I'm in a situation like this. It's so depressing to realise that I'm a bit of a doormat. All 3 kids ( young adults now) have ASD /ADHD and it has been all consuming; I did not pursue a career as I took two out of three kids out of school - not through any anti establishment /hippyness but because it was hell for them being there ( that's another story 😆). I am very close to them and taking them out of school was the best thing for them even tho it was really hard. They are brilliant and are more or less managing life but still need micromanaging and supporting obviously. I know that if / when I do attempt changes in this relationship it will be awful, for them. If they were independent it might be different. Frustrating to be so bloody skint all these years of caring. Anyway... some of the replies have really been great and I appreciate the understanding and honesty from everyone. Many thanks.

I think posters are confusing sex with intimacy. No sex is the symptom of loss of intimacy - the talking about how you feel, what you want, what you need. Those day to day interactions, a pat on the bum, a bear hug, an intimate kiss. Honestly ask yourself can you do another 20 years with absolutely nothing changing because thats what you'll have?

The idea of agreeing to seek what you need outside the marriage is a good one, but that won't change your loneliness inside the marriage.

So sorry. He sounds like he can’t be arsed to do for you what you so need. Your pain is completely reasonable. He’s selfish. He could not have sex but still talk about things and try to take care of the emotional needs created by the lack of sex. He’s stonewalling you and you seem very lonely. Being lonely while with someone is a very painful feeling.

This.

You can't force him to have sex but he can't force you to live the rest of your life celibate (fuck that) it's not only about the sex anyway really; if he can't get it up there's other things he could do for you but he's choosing not to because he's a selfish man!

Time to look elsewhere op why should you keep going without?

I knew ASD would pop up here. It’s a Thing where ASD men just lose interest in it totally. I think it was Maxine Aston who wrote the most about it - vetting reasons - the (potential) unpredictability, a bit of demand avoidance, sensory overload, rigid ideas about “how it must be ie”we do ABCD”, rigid ideas about what is “normal” for a woman, etc.

Seriodly OP get out. This won’t improve. And much as I hear you about maintaining normality for the children, you don’t deserve to sacrifice your soul on the altar of autism.

I don't even get cuddles or words of affection.