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Original poster

Guy I'm seeing and my anxiety

43 replies

soscaredandworried · 10/03/2025 10:16

I have a tendency towards anxiety so I can't tell if my my fears are unfounded or not.

I have been seeing a guy for 3 months - we see each other once or twice a week. Throughout this time I have been anxious about whether or not he is going to message me (he does daily), whether he likes me etc despite his actions and words showing that he does. last week we confirmed that we are exclusive.

We had a day out to london yesterday and we had a lovely time (I think!). He came back to mine afterwards and we had dinner and sex - he could have gone straight home but chose to come to mine. We were together for 10 hours. When he left, he said thanks for a nice day etc. I said to let me know if he wanted to do something this week and he just nodded.

We always text to say goodnight so before I went to sleep I said that I was going to bed, thanks again for a nice day and that I am making plans for the week ahead and to let me know if he wants to do something. He just replied 'ah thanks, it was a nice day 😊. Night night x'. So I clarified saying 'did you want to do something this week or shall we meet up another time?' And he replied saying 'maybe Wednesday as I have to take my dad to the hospital on Tuesday' (he is a carer for his dad who is disabled).

He is last minute as a person whereas I am more organised. Maybe he would have confirmed a day if I had left it and didn't ask when he was tired and just about to go to sleep. I feel a bit put out that I had to ask 3 times but also surprised that he agreed to see me on Wednesday as I was getting the impression he didn't want to see me.

Does he just not like me that much? I feel like I might have harassed him into meeting me this week.

OP posts:
ManHereSorry · 10/03/2025 10:19

My partner does this she’s obsessed with reading too much into goodnight messages, does my head in. It was the last thing at night, he probably didn’t want to start making firm plans for the week at that time.

Ahsheeit · 10/03/2025 10:20

Chill! You'd said goodnight, which means wait till the next day to speak again. It would be abundantly clear if he didn't want to spend time with you. All this stressing and anxiety is just stealing joy from your good times.

Sunat45degrees · 10/03/2025 10:20

Is this the first time you've had sex? I'm sasuming not if it's after three months.

I think your anxiety is the problem here. You see each other once or twice a week. You spent a day and a night together, then he left. You then hounded him to commit to a date. I don't blame you - I also like to know what plans are in place - but if he's less like that, then he might well find that level annoying.

YOu need to focus on his actions - so far, as far as I can tell from your OP, he has done tnothign to suggest he isn't keen or that he isn't truthful. I'd also consider getting some help for your anxiety as otherwise you WILL push him, and others, away.

cramptramp · 10/03/2025 10:21

soscaredandworried · 10/03/2025 10:16

I have a tendency towards anxiety so I can't tell if my my fears are unfounded or not.

I have been seeing a guy for 3 months - we see each other once or twice a week. Throughout this time I have been anxious about whether or not he is going to message me (he does daily), whether he likes me etc despite his actions and words showing that he does. last week we confirmed that we are exclusive.

We had a day out to london yesterday and we had a lovely time (I think!). He came back to mine afterwards and we had dinner and sex - he could have gone straight home but chose to come to mine. We were together for 10 hours. When he left, he said thanks for a nice day etc. I said to let me know if he wanted to do something this week and he just nodded.

We always text to say goodnight so before I went to sleep I said that I was going to bed, thanks again for a nice day and that I am making plans for the week ahead and to let me know if he wants to do something. He just replied 'ah thanks, it was a nice day 😊. Night night x'. So I clarified saying 'did you want to do something this week or shall we meet up another time?' And he replied saying 'maybe Wednesday as I have to take my dad to the hospital on Tuesday' (he is a carer for his dad who is disabled).

He is last minute as a person whereas I am more organised. Maybe he would have confirmed a day if I had left it and didn't ask when he was tired and just about to go to sleep. I feel a bit put out that I had to ask 3 times but also surprised that he agreed to see me on Wednesday as I was getting the impression he didn't want to see me.

Does he just not like me that much? I feel like I might have harassed him into meeting me this week.

Hmmm. I think maybe after the first time you mentioned it you were putting the ball in his court today if he wanted to meet up, and I'd not have mentioned it again. I get that you're an organised person and like to know what you're going to be doing well in advance and with that in mind you should just organise your week without considering seeing him. If he gets in touch and suggests a day that isn't suitable you could say that you tend to get booked up quite quickly and he needs to arrange dates sooner so you can fit him in. I wouldn't contact him again OP. Leave it up to him.

cramptramp · 10/03/2025 10:22

Just realised I quoted the original message when answering. No idea why. Sorry all.

Original poster
soscaredandworried · 10/03/2025 10:28

I have replied saying 'yeah Wednesday sounds good. Sorry if I harassed you into an answer there, I was just trying to plan my week 🙈'. Is that ok?

OP posts:
UpUpUpU · 10/03/2025 10:29

You need to relax OP or you are going to push him away.

BlondiePortz · 10/03/2025 10:29

I have to admit if my partner (hypothetical as I am married) was like the op when we first met it wouldn't have lasted long, I am not into game playing it would have worn me down very quickly, using the label anxiety does nothing to help it, of course others will think differently but I couldn't cope

Fourpintsoffullfatplease · 10/03/2025 10:31

You're gonna scare him off

Disturbia81 · 10/03/2025 10:39

UpUpUpU · 10/03/2025 10:29

You need to relax OP or you are going to push him away.

This.
Too intense and finicky, I'd be feeling suffocated.

Original poster
soscaredandworried · 10/03/2025 10:49

@BlondiePortz how am I game playing? I wanted to organise my week and know if he wanted to see me

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 10/03/2025 10:53

I'm a carer and cannot easily plan and organize ahead it's just part of the life we live for that time.

You might find yourself having to be more flexible if you think anything of the man. If not being able to plan ahead makes you anxious you might need to find someone else because it's a lot of pressure to put on someone probably already under quite a lot of emotional and physical strain already.

Frankly I'd feel put off by someone not so understanding that I have responsibilities and commitments elsewhere that may require a lot of flexibility and understanding from a partner.

Can you get help for your anxiety, it can't be easy trying to read for all kinds of complicated signs into actions that are pretty simple in nature. You both deserve better than that.

Sunat45degrees · 10/03/2025 10:57

soscaredandworried · 10/03/2025 10:49

@BlondiePortz how am I game playing? I wanted to organise my week and know if he wanted to see me

I think you are at the pointin your relationship where you should assume that he DOES want to see you. So it then comes down to logistics and what works. You're exclusive, you've been seeing each other for three months, you have a pattern. So it's not "do you want to get together next week" but more, "is Wednesay or thursday better next week? I know you're taking your mum to the hospital on tuesday so that's out and I'm seeing Penny on Monday. Let m eknow what you prefer - I was thinking we could go to that show we've been talking about?"

Original poster
soscaredandworried · 10/03/2025 10:57

@MarkingBad thank you, in my first message i did say there was no pressure to meet as i know he has a lot on with his dad; I just wanted to know either way but I do appreciate what you are saying. I have listened to him a lot about the toll the caring takes on him so i would hope he doesn't think i'm not understanding.

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 10/03/2025 11:08

soscaredandworried · 10/03/2025 10:57

@MarkingBad thank you, in my first message i did say there was no pressure to meet as i know he has a lot on with his dad; I just wanted to know either way but I do appreciate what you are saying. I have listened to him a lot about the toll the caring takes on him so i would hope he doesn't think i'm not understanding.

You said no pressure but then pressured him into making a decision. It's not fair of you to do that all in one night. If he hadn't responded positively after one message you could have left it for 24 hours quite reasonably.

What if he can't make Wednesday after all? Would you see that as a slight?

I don't think you and he are at the right life stages for each other. It's worth taking a step back and really looking at why you choose to do this and what you find acceptable in a relationship. He can't give you what you want right now when people are in a care position there are always more than 2 people in a relationship. You are looking to be the main priority and that's fine but he can't do that for you right now.

Original poster
soscaredandworried · 10/03/2025 11:17

@MarkingBad I guess I am using his desire to plan to see me again as an indication of whether he really likes me. He has replied to my message where I apologised for harassing him into answer saying 'oh that's alright, don't be silly!' So maybe I have got away with it this time but it is something to be conscious of going forward

OP posts:
CrownOfEagleFeathers · 10/03/2025 11:19

It definitely sounds like anxiety. I don't see anything about what you've said that indicates he's not into you.

I do get that you can't turn off anxiety - but you're doing the right thing here in trying to find the root cause.

To me, it sounds like he's secure in the relationship, was confident that he was going to see you again, and just said goodnight because it was the natural end to the conversation. Going back and forth over who is free when is a conversation for the daytime.

I also feel more secure when there are firm plans - but some things will always remain to be seen so it's important to learn healthy self soothing techniques when you're waiting to confirm something. Those techniques will also help with questions about whether he likes you or not. Ultimately, either he does or he doesn't and endless worrying about it isn't going to change that.

It does sound like he does like you though! Rest assured on that - unless there's something really weird about him you've left out :)

Original poster
soscaredandworried · 10/03/2025 11:21

@CrownOfEagleFeathers thank you, I was doing better with my anxiety but for some reason it's on steroids today! I'm going to take myself off for a walk to try to burn off some of this nervous energy. You make a good point about him feeling secure and confident enough to not need to make plans - I hadn't thought of it like that.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 10/03/2025 11:23

soscaredandworried · 10/03/2025 10:49

@BlondiePortz how am I game playing? I wanted to organise my week and know if he wanted to see me

You're in an exclusive relationship - why wouldn't he want to see you?

Unless there's a reason you have to plan several days in advance, like work or kids, then just relax a bit and try and be a bit more flexible. Someone who is a carer for a parent can't necessarily plan their weeks ahead of time.

Why not try being a bit more spontaneous? There's nothing less romantic than well organised and scheduled dates 🙈

Original poster
soscaredandworried · 10/03/2025 11:42

@biscuitsandbooks I know this sounds ridiculous but i worry that he might have changed his mind about me which I know it stupid because I have zero control over that!

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 10/03/2025 11:43

@soscaredandworried the more you show him that, the more he'll pull away.

CrownOfEagleFeathers · 10/03/2025 11:43

soscaredandworried · 10/03/2025 11:21

@CrownOfEagleFeathers thank you, I was doing better with my anxiety but for some reason it's on steroids today! I'm going to take myself off for a walk to try to burn off some of this nervous energy. You make a good point about him feeling secure and confident enough to not need to make plans - I hadn't thought of it like that.

I recommend making a point of trying to find fault in your logic when you get this anxiety. Before it gets to the point of being too panicky, deliberately try to be flippant about it. Like, who cares if he likes you - you're great anyway!

That kind of thing really helps if you keep doing it on repeat. It's always better to be kind to yourself x

Original poster
soscaredandworried · 10/03/2025 11:54

@biscuitsandbooks I'm trying not to show him that!

@CrownOfEagleFeathers yes maybe I need to practice being flippant in a 'fake it to make it' kind of way because I have never been flippant about anything in my life ever😂

OP posts:
Original poster
soscaredandworried · 13/03/2025 12:10

So an update from me. He came over on Tuesday, I think we had a nice time. I got dinner in and he said on a couple of occasions that he would get dinner next time. Based on advice from this thread I didn’t try to lock in another date but it’s now Thursday and we don’t have plans for the weekend. He isn’t big on messaging but usually he messages me first of an evening. I had to message first yesterday because I hadn’t heard from him - I knew he had taken his parent to a hospital appt so I asked how that went. He replied answering my question and asking about my day. I asked him if he was missing his vape charger and said I think he left it in my car and he said ‘oh yeah I did I can keep it as a spare’. So on one hand we have made no plans to see each other but on the other he’s keeping a spare vape charger in my car? I’m confused.

OP posts:
CrownOfEagleFeathers · 13/03/2025 12:12

soscaredandworried · 13/03/2025 12:10

So an update from me. He came over on Tuesday, I think we had a nice time. I got dinner in and he said on a couple of occasions that he would get dinner next time. Based on advice from this thread I didn’t try to lock in another date but it’s now Thursday and we don’t have plans for the weekend. He isn’t big on messaging but usually he messages me first of an evening. I had to message first yesterday because I hadn’t heard from him - I knew he had taken his parent to a hospital appt so I asked how that went. He replied answering my question and asking about my day. I asked him if he was missing his vape charger and said I think he left it in my car and he said ‘oh yeah I did I can keep it as a spare’. So on one hand we have made no plans to see each other but on the other he’s keeping a spare vape charger in my car? I’m confused.

When you say you think you had a nice time - did you have a nice time yourself?