Guy I'm seeing and my anxiety

[soscaredandworried]

I have a tendency towards anxiety so I can't tell if my my fears are unfounded or not.

I have been seeing a guy for 3 months - we see each other once or twice a week. Throughout this time I have been anxious about whether or not he is going to message me (he does daily), whether he likes me etc despite his actions and words showing that he does. last week we confirmed that we are exclusive.

We had a day out to london yesterday and we had a lovely time (I think!). He came back to mine afterwards and we had dinner and sex - he could have gone straight home but chose to come to mine. We were together for 10 hours. When he left, he said thanks for a nice day etc. I said to let me know if he wanted to do something this week and he just nodded.

We always text to say goodnight so before I went to sleep I said that I was going to bed, thanks again for a nice day and that I am making plans for the week ahead and to let me know if he wants to do something. He just replied 'ah thanks, it was a nice day 😊. Night night x'. So I clarified saying 'did you want to do something this week or shall we meet up another time?' And he replied saying 'maybe Wednesday as I have to take my dad to the hospital on Tuesday' (he is a carer for his dad who is disabled).

He is last minute as a person whereas I am more organised. Maybe he would have confirmed a day if I had left it and didn't ask when he was tired and just about to go to sleep. I feel a bit put out that I had to ask 3 times but also surprised that he agreed to see me on Wednesday as I was getting the impression he didn't want to see me.

Does he just not like me that much? I feel like I might have harassed him into meeting me this week.

Why are you confused? You're seeing each other a couple of times a week, he's made no indication that he wants that to change, so why are you trying to read in to everything that he's not interested?

If you want to see him this weekend, say "Fancy doing something this weekend?" If you don't, don't ask.

You've said that he's quite a last minute person, so if that doesn't work for you then you're going to have to either do the organising ahead of time or decide you're not compatible. But the man is regularly spending 10 hours at a time with you. He wouldn't be doing that if he wasn't interested.

You only saw him on Tuesday. You knew he was busy with his dad and hospital. It's barely Thursday afternoon.

If you are so intense about needing everything planned, this is not the relationship for you. Maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship at all until you have your anxiety to a manageable level, as it stands it sounds like you are relying on him to make you feel better be cause you are questioning everything he does or doesn't do.

It's been 3 months. This is not healthy.

@CrownOfEagleFeathersyes it was very relaxed and the time flew. I enjoy the time we spend together, it’s the inbetween times when i drive myself mad.

@VimesandhisCardboardBootsi suppose it’s some kind of malfunctioned self protection mechanism? Like if I can pre empt that he has lost interest I can protect myself?

I have problems with anxiety too and over-think everything, so can sympathise with you.

Have you felt like this with previous boyfriends too? If so, perhaps it is your anxiety that is the issue. That said, I think you should go easy on yourself and also trust your instincts. Much as you like him, it could be that your different communcation styles mean that you're not compatible.

I've found that when I'm with someone who's "on the same wavelength" as me regarding contact, my anxiety is barely present. Yet when I try to ignore my needs and preferences, the anxiety rockets and becomes all-consuming. You mentioned above that you "got away with it this time", as if you should somehow never do anything that might not be to his liking. This isn't sustainable long-term. You would become a shadow of yourself.

Also, although this may not be the case with your current boyfriend, some people could use your vulnerability in this regard to mould and manipulate you.

But you're not protecting yourself right now are you. You're causing yourself constant stress and anxiety wondering if he's lost interesting. And all that stress is utterly worthless. It's not going to make it hurt any less if he does lose interest in you.

You need to let it go. If you prefer to have firm plans in place, then tell him that and arrange the next time you're going to meet while you're actually out on a date with him. There's just no point in getting yourself worked up waiting for him to organise it.

I'm sorry, OP, but if you were my partner I would be running for the hills. All of this obsession with who messages who and when would be exhausting and suffocating. Also, this guy is a carer, so his set up is tricky.
Please relax, stop chasing him and just enjoy your life!

I get it’s difficulty you have anxiety but your self preservation is actually self destructive imo and you’ll push him away with your intensity.

Hes laid back by sounds of it. In your shoes I’d presume things are going well until you see definite signed they’re not. If you usually see each other at weekends, surely the presumption is that you will this weekend unless otherwise stated

@TreesAtSeathank you for understanding. Previous boyfriends have love bombed me and been in near constant communication so this is new for me.

@VimesandhisCardboardBootsyes that’s why it’s a malfunctioned self protection mechanism. You are right, maybe I just need to own my desire to have things booked in because clearly leaving things to the last minute doesn’t work for me.

@Cynic17well obvs he doesn’t know any of this, that’s why I’m posting here 😅

That's good then, right?

What else was good about the date that you enjoyed? I think it'll be helpful to focus on what you liked - not what you think he did or didn't like. You're also in this relationship. It's equally important whether you had a good time.

I agree with this.

@CrownOfEagleFeathersthank you, you are right and I should probably be focusing on the time we spend together and not trying to analyse messages. I enjoyed how easy it was to be around him on Tuesday - I was planning on putting a film on but there was no need because we talked the whole time. I enjoyed the cuddles on the sofa and his company in general.

i think part of my anxiety is my age. I will be 37 in July and I am hearing the biological clock ticking loudly. He wants kids too but I am on hyper alert because if this doesn’t work out or he’s not that into me I need to know asap so I can move on and find someone compatible. It’s a really shit place to be and I don’t know anyone else who is dating because all my friend and colleagues are settled with children so it’s a lonely and overwhelming place to be.

You should read the book attached and learn about anxious attachment styles and how they can impact relationships.

That sounds really positive to me. Especially not being able to put a film on because you were chatting so much. It sounds like you both get on really well.

Ah, yes. I can see how that would add an extra element of worrying. It does sound like a shit place to be - especially if you've got no one around you in the same position.

It is far too early to be planning children at this stage, but I totally get why it's on your mind. Is there maybe an element of you being poised to sabotage things if it doesn't sound like it's going to lead to children? Do you feel like you're looking for problems to have ready if you need them?

Chill. He's his father's carer, I'm assuming he works too. This is a new relationship. You're both feeling your way. He doesn't need pressure from what should be a nice time.

@LurkyMcLurkinsonbelieve it or not, I have! I used to be much worse than this - double texting, engaging in protest behaviour etc. these days I can feel the anxiety without acting on it.

@CrownOfEagleFeathersthank you 😊 yes I think I’m concerned that it might not work out which is why I’m looking for any tiny sign he might not be into me. It’s hard though because I do like him and I was dating for a long time before I met him. Rationally I think I’m a good catch - I’m reasonably attractive, I’m kind, caring, intelligent etc and I know he struggled on the apps so I should be feeling confident and even that he is lucky that I am giving him a chance since so many other women didn’t but there is this internal worry that I have that he may go off me/leave which goes back to my dad’s actions in my childhood and also the behaviour of my exes.

Sounds like you’ve made great progress then but there’s a gap in terms of your ability to self soothe when your attachment style is activated. Maybe you could do some work around control and letting go, and strengthening your belief that whatever the outcome of a situation you’ll be fine.

Please don’t underestimate the responsibility of being a carer. While it’s not your job to take care of him, it’s really taxing and takes a lot out of you.
So this man, who clearly likes you, enjoys your company because he can relax, and enjoy your company, with lots of affection.
You don’t sound like the type of person who needs lots of expensive dates, which is great.
You are looking for a meaningful connection and it looks like you have found one.
Please stop worrying about clocks ticking and what stages your friends are at. Nothing kills a relationship more than it feeling like a prolonged job interview.
You are clearly self-aware and are learning as you go.
Worrying steals from you future.
And also concentrate on hobbies and things in your free time that aren’t with him. You need to enrich your life and do things you enjoy, so that he fits into your world, rather than becoming your world.

I think @LurkyMcLurkinson has it here. It's that self soothing during times of uncertainty that would benefit you. No one knows what is going to happen in the future but right now it all sounds absolutely fine.

I can very much relate to having anxiety to work through. I had an absent father and it took me a long time to stop trying to resolve that through relationships with men. I could not handle rejection or perceived rejection well for a very long time. I had to spend a long time deliberately telling myself it was ok if a relationship didn't work out and that my self worth wasn't tied up in the opinion of X or Y man.

It is possible to change your attachment style. Mine is secure now (about 95% anyway 😁). You have to keep steering yourself away from this kind of worry until it becomes second nature.