Not attracted to my boyfriend?

[tommyinnit]

Hi everyone, this is my first post.

My BF and I are both 19. We've been "officially" dating for three months. We are in the same university and I was the one who approached him (originally for friendship but quickly evolved into a relationship) because he has a very unique style which I was drawn to.

I am asexual, and he knows this. (I don't feel sexual attraction: I have no interest in sexual activity and could happily live my whole life never engaging in it.) I told him this as soon as I felt the relationship becoming romantic; I didn't think it was fair to withhold that information from him. As far as I know he is fine with it, though I know he is sexually attracted to me.

He sleeps over at my flat a lot, we hang out a lot, I like him and think his personality and manner are attractive, but his physical appearance and body don't really get a reaction out of me, and I let him touch me because it's comfortable, not because it sends my heart racing or whatever.

Would it be better if we were just friends? Should I tell him how I feel? I don't want to needlessly hurt him or anything because he's very sweet- I'm just not that physically attracted to him.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to feel; this is my first relationship, plus I am bisexual so all other romantic experience I have has been with girls. I have a suspicion I may be more attracted to women than men, which makes this whole situation even more difficult.

Any advice?

I think you should probably stop the touching if you're not interested in a sexual relationship with him. (Obviously depends what sort of touching it is, I'm assuming it's more than platonic hugs. )

You are only 19 and have fixated on a sexual preference of being asexual.

Thats likely to change as you mature. I don't mean that patronisingly, its just that most young people change over the years especially if the lifestyle they choose doesn't being them happiness.

Just make friends for now as being h in a relationship is pretty pointless as most of your peers will certainly not be asexual and will want to be in a physical relationship.

You say you are Asexual, then go on to say you are Bisexual?

Doesn't make sense..

You're only 19. It's only been a couple of months. Just be friends for your own sanity. Partly to be fair to him as well, don't stay with someone just because you don't want to hurt them if you aren't even attracted to them. It's not worth it.

You absolutely might be gay rather than asexeual and trying to be bi or straight has killed off your desire.

You should be enjoying any relationship not worrying over letting someone touch you to satisfy their expectations not to fulfill your own needs and wants. 🌷

Lots of gay women felt like that as young, inexperienced women. Trying to be something you aren't can have that effect.

I agree. It's just not a match. He's sexual. You're not. You're 19. You have the world at your feet and billions of people to meet and enjoy.

How can you be asexual AND bisexual? The two things aren't compatible

With kindness, you're 19. Chill out.

And stop the touching, it's sending mixed messages and isn't fair on either of you.

Totally agree with this.

I don’t understand at 19 being so keen to label yourself to the extent that even the labels you impose on yourself are contradictory

Yeah just let him go, you're both very young and neither should be tied up into something that one of you isn't very in to.

Stop it with the labels. You're asexual, bisexual, the only thing you know is you like your boyfriend and his clothes but don't fancy him. At 19, that sounds like a good basis for a friendship without hurting him. Which I suspect you may do when someone else interests you in having a go at something else.

Stop with labelling yourself before you’ve even started living.

Thats the problem nowadays, young people feel this need to cram themselves into narrow boxes rather than just rolling with it and letting their sexuality develop naturally.

But it’s obvious this isn’t the right person for you. Be friends and set other free.

I'm struggling to understand how you can be asexual and bisexual? Surely if you don't feel any sexual attraction at all, then that applies to men and women?

You are very young and you seem keen to put a lot of labels onto yourself before you've even experienced much in the way of sex or adult relationships. If you've decided you are asexual it might just be because you are in a relationship with a boy you are not attracted to. I'd be asexual too, if that were the case. I think you should break up with him. He deserves someone who wants to be intimate with him and will actually enjoy it, instead of going along with it out of a sense of duty or expectation or just because it's 'comfortable.' You should be wanting to rip one another's clothes off at every opportunity. It's a terrible waste and a massive compromise to saddle yourself with someone where this is not the case.

Maybe all men make you feel like this because you are actually a lesbian rather than bisexual or asexual? Or maybe you just aren't ready for a sexual relationship with anyone yet, so you confuse your perfectly understandable hesitancy as being asexual.

I think you should focus less on being in a relationship for the time being, and less on trying to define yourself by your sexuality or lack of it. Just relax and take your time and explore each opportunity as it comes along. Don't go getting into 'relationships' where there is an expectation that you will be intimate with someone you do not feel a strong physical attraction to. Sometimes the attraction isn't instant and you build a friendship first, which then turns into a strong attraction. But either way, you absolutely should be feeling it with someone you say you are in a proper relationship with. Otherwise what's the point?

Something will fall into place eventually that will help you understand yourself better. At 19 you are far too young to be announcing that you will never want sex ever for the rest of your life. It may turn out to be the case, but it's extremely rare and quite unlikely. It's much more likely that you just haven't found the person that gives you the fanny flutters yet.

I wondered this too .

Yes I'm confused aswell .

Of course you can be asexual & bisexual!

Asexual means no desire for a sexual relationship. Bisexual means attracted to men and women. OP has romantic relationships with men and women that don’t involve sex.

OP you aren’t attracted to this man. He either just isn’t your type or you are actually just fully lesbian. Or at least have a strong preference for women and a man would have to be outstanding for you to prefer him to a woman. End things and move on.

You’re asexual one minute then bisexual the next?

So why is she letting him touch her and worrying that she doesn't find him attractive .

Because asexual people still touch each other. She never said it was sexual touching. Asexual people cuddle and kiss.

She’s worried she doesn’t find him attractive because asexual people are attracted to others, they just don’t want to have sex with them. She said she “lets him touch her because it’s comfortable” which doesn’t exactly sound sexual. It sounds like it’s comfortable to snuggle up to someone on the sofa. But she isn’t getting lovely dovey “this is so nice” feelings when they do it. It’s just physically comfortable.

You're not asexual AND bisexual. Have you had a relationship with a woman yet? You might find you're sexually attracted to women 🤷🏼‍♀️
To answer your question, no you shouldn't be dating someone who isn't asexual and who would like to have a sexual relationship with you. It's a waste of everyone's time. I find it hard to believe a teenage boy is enlightened enough to genuinely want a sexless relationship long term - I would bet money that he's waiting to win you over. And if you are sure you won't want to get sexual with him let him go now.

How are asexual people attracted to people but don't want to have sex with them? That makes no sense. If they are attracted to people they aren't asexual. If it's not sexual in basis then it's not attraction as the term is generally understood.

You’re not asexual, you just don’t fancy him.

If you are asexual how did the relationship become ‘romantic’? If you have no sexual feelings, the relationship wouldn’t have progressed. I have no experience other than life( I’m 53 and have DDs of 24 and 21) but are you sure you want to label yourself? There was never anyone asexual in the 90s. Maybe you’re just gay or maybe you just haven’t met anyone that gets you going.

If you've already told him you dont want sex with anyone and aren't sexually attracted to him or anyone and he accepted that at the start then I'm not seeing the issue? Is that not a friendship type relationship anyway? Although the touching might send him mixed signals unless just hugs.

After having my child I didn’t want to have sex with my husband for a few months. That didn’t mean I was attracted to him during that time. I just didn’t want to have sex.

Do you want to kiss and cuddle and snuggle your best friend? Do you want to cuddle up with them on the sofa and hold hands and tell them how gorgeous their smile is? Well then you aren’t attracted to your friend. If you want to do that with your partner then you are attracted to them. Romantic relationships are about so much more than sex.