Partner doesn’t seem interested in second child and getting married

[ajc1994]

I (30F) and my partner (43M) have been together 5 years. After 2 years we became pregnant which was a welcome surprise. She is now 3.5 years old and we have grown as a family, bought our first house 2.5 years ago. We have always talked about having 2 children even before we had our daughter as well as getting engaged and married. I’ve made it clear I wanted to be married while my daughter is young. However this still hasn’t happened despite me bringing it up 1-2 times a year and stating I don’t care about experience wedding/ring etc happy for £200 ring and registry office etc, just would like to be married. We don’t have a tonne of money but also get by and have a 3 bedroom house. We also speak about a second child, baby names etc once every month or so recently, and I’ve made it clear that I’d like to start trying towards the end of this year, if things happened within 6 months that wound be roughly a 5 year age gap between children and I don’t want any bigger. Could take longer obviously. If I bring it up he says we are not ready/ don’t have enough money/ are struggling etc. just says it will happen but in the future. Then year or so goes by and nothing. First the marriage and now this. I feel he is waiting for us to have more money etc but it’s not going to suddenly just happen. He is going to ask for a raise at work which I’m sure he will get but again is putting that off for some reason. Just feel like he is putting things back and waiting for something that’s never coming. If I bring it up it turns into an argument and him saying I’m pressuring him and it will happen, he even told me once it’ll happen within the next year and it didn’t. I just get upset and things return to normal again. Apart from this we have a great relationship and are a happy family but I’m starting to get resentful, first the marriage and now it’s coming over into trying for a second child. Any advice?

Personally, I don't think he wants a second child. That's influencing his decision about marriage. He wants to keep his assets to himself and his exit clear, particularly if he thinks there's any possibility of another "surprise" baby at some point.

How you find out whether that really is the case, I don't know. You could ask. He might give an honest answer or he might lie or stonewall or turn it into a quarrel.

Only you can decide whether you're willing to stay as you are if he doesn't change his mind, or to go it alone.

It doesn't sound as though he wants another child.

The rest is a tale as old as time I'm afraid.

He's got the 'wife', the child and the 3 bed house already and clearly decided he doesn't need to get married no matter how much you want to.

Time to shit or get off the pot I'm afraid.

Thanks for replying. It’s just confusing as he brings up having a second child just as much if not more than me and the same with marriage. I just don’t get why bring it up if it’s that he doesn’t want to. I’m not sure he’s wanting to keep assess to himself, he wanted to buy a house and mortgage and have a child with me. I suppose he’s likely judt too content and happy how things are

You need to tell him you want to get married and have another child by X date. If this isn't what he wants tell him you will need to reconsider the relationship. Give him X amount of time to consider it. There is no point going on and having regular chats about stuff he has no intention of doing, either he is stringing you along or he just isn't arsed, either way you are entitled to set your own terms for the relationship.

He’s a liar and is future faking you. That’s the reason.

Are they both deal breakers for you? Will you spend the rest of your life with him if he won’t marry you?

Thanks. I think you’re right I need to say I want this and this by X date and if you don’t want to then you need to be honest

He doesn’t want marriage, or another child. If he did it would have happened by now. Sorry, but he’s future faking to keep you quiet op, he’s actually perfectly happy the way things are. What you do about it is your call depending on how much of a dealbreaker it is..

I’d have to think about it, day to day we’re very happy and he’s a great father and partner and I am happy the majority of the time but we’ve always said marriage and 2 children

Are you joint owners of the house and do you earn the same? Absolutely don't have another baby with him unless you're married (or very financially stable on your own!). He should be happy to marry you if he wants to share a life and children. It's not about romance or commitment it's about stability.

I don't think this will get to anywhere, he'll just continue to say that he does want it at some undefined time in the future.
You need to decide if it's a deal breaker before you talk to him and make this clear if it is.
I hope you haven't given up your financial independence.

I've never had to wait for my partner to get married or have another child. He said he wanted it and did it.

Your partner doesn't want it and is paying lip service to keep you happy. You need to decide what you do - your options are to accept staying forever unmarried and only having one kid, or leaving him.

There's a slim chance when you leave him he'll turn around and do the things you ask, but more than likely he'll do no action and just play lip service to it again. Be careful! Better to split than waste your fertile years with him

No we earn near enough the same amount (I’m pro rata but when I go back full time which I can at any point) and joint owners of the house

Personally I would sit down with the calendar and say “right let’s get this wedding booked in”.
But honestly I think he’s stringing you along.

I think people are being overly cynical.

What's he like as partner in general? Good partner? Good dad? (And I meant this objectively, not by a lot of women's really low standards). Does he bring a lot to the table in terms of domestic and emotional support rather than just bringing money home? Do you work too?

I think not feeling financially unstable can really do a number on one's ability to progress into future plans. Some people are more blasé and will have the attitude of 'we'll make it work!' but for others it can be more paralysing – especially if you are someone who is quite money driven and had higher financial aspirations in life than what they are currently achieving.

What is your financial situation? Savings/mortgage? What's left at the end of the month? Do you have to pay for childcare?

What IS concerning off the bat is that he has dismissed your desire to get married at very low cost – it's your life and your marriage too and he can't unilaterally decide to have it all be his decision (not without the consequences of you either being unhappy long-term or leaving him over it). Is a bigger wedding important to him? You guys should be coming at it as joint decision and understanding where you each are coming from and what to do about it. How does he actually approach it?

He's allowed to change his mind about wanting a second child – even if he's always said he did. My husband always wanted a big family with 4 kids – we had our twins and was like 'Nope, done!'.

What he should be doing is being honest about it, even if that means honestly about being confused.

Thanks for your messages. He’s a great hands in dad and partner in other regards, always listens and is caring. Gives us everything he can with what we’ve got. We’ve got a couple of grand in savings not tonnes. But we live within our means and do lots of things an a couple of meals out a month we could easily not do if needed, and are lucky to have 4 retired grandparents who are close by and wanting to always help out. We have no childcare fees as we get the 30 free hours and I work 3 days a week so have 2 off with our daughter.

I agree he is completely allowed to change is mind but he will bring up baby no2 out of the blue taking baby names etc, tells me we can look into baby 2 ‘At some point’ but if asked when the response is ‘I don’t know’. Although upsetting I’d respect his decision to not want another if he was honest

He sounds like a bit of a ‘plodder’ in life in general really, he got to age 40 without owning a house, he’s not chasing a pay rise, your first child wasn’t actually planned. I honestly think if you found yourself pregnant by surprise with a second child and told him “I’ve booked a registry office on XX date” he’d go along with it. It sounds like he has no real get up and go and needs to be dragged along in life.

Book a registry office and tell him he's in charge of contraception.

Ok, that's a bit harsh but I agree with above poster, he's just cruising life waiting for stuff to happen.

He's lying, he is just trying to keep you sweet until you likely age out of being able to have a second... then what's the point of getting married if you can't have a second...

I would try to spread this conversation a bit. Instead of it being a binary choice - yes / no - only, have a chat to him about what a) getting married and b) having another child means to him.
Does getting married represent commitment, love, trust and a shared future for him? Does he think you being married is helpful for your child? People have different ideas on what marriage means. And sometimes - another reason for you knowing his thinking on this, so you are fully aware - they aren’t as committed to you as you are to them. Once you know what marriage to you means to him, and have properly listened to all of his reasons, then you can explain how you feel, without you judging him for his reasons or he yours. And then try to come to a shared view on what to do. If it really is about money, how much money would be enough? And how / for how long can you save for it? Would any of your parents help you with the cost, eg.? The more open the questions you ask, the less room for misunderstanding.

If he wanted to marry you, you'd be married. It looks like he's changed his mind on marriage and another child. You said your first child was a surprise. He's middle aged, he's working full time and you guys aren't really getting ahead. Is he feeling the financial pressure and not wanting to increase that with another child until you have more emergency savings? Your relationship has a significant age gap and being middle aged with a baby puts a lot of wear and tear on a middle aged body.

Why aren't you working full time now?

Sit down and have a really frank discussion about why he seems to have changed his mind here.

It read like he wants these things at some point but he is not fussed when. But in the mean time you're holding on. I think you need an end date for both and you need to tell him. He may feel he is being given an ultimatum but he's happily allowed you to wait and not considered your feelings. Time for you to put your self first. Either he will agree in which case you can continue to plan or he will say no and then you need to tell him you will be taking space to reconsider the relationship and decide if you want to continue.

I think this is most unconfrontational way forward.
Literally this was me early November. We had it on our to do list for 2024 and I realised we were running out of days I got the calendar and we worked out when we were both free. Got it done on Dec 20.

Beforehand I would read up on civil partnerships and be familiar with the 'rules' in your area. Potentially it could all be done by the end of May. He's had loads of notice. If he starts to wriggle and be awkward then reconsider your position.

Thanks everyone, chats definitely need to be had. Maybe I just need to kick his ass into gear to show how serious I am about wanting these things and soon. I’ve never said or given anything like an ultimatum before so I’ll speak to him and say we need timings or/and honesty. Thanks for all your input x