Partner doesn’t seem interested in second child and getting married

[ajc1994]

I (30F) and my partner (43M) have been together 5 years. After 2 years we became pregnant which was a welcome surprise. She is now 3.5 years old and we have grown as a family, bought our first house 2.5 years ago. We have always talked about having 2 children even before we had our daughter as well as getting engaged and married. I’ve made it clear I wanted to be married while my daughter is young. However this still hasn’t happened despite me bringing it up 1-2 times a year and stating I don’t care about experience wedding/ring etc happy for £200 ring and registry office etc, just would like to be married. We don’t have a tonne of money but also get by and have a 3 bedroom house. We also speak about a second child, baby names etc once every month or so recently, and I’ve made it clear that I’d like to start trying towards the end of this year, if things happened within 6 months that wound be roughly a 5 year age gap between children and I don’t want any bigger. Could take longer obviously. If I bring it up he says we are not ready/ don’t have enough money/ are struggling etc. just says it will happen but in the future. Then year or so goes by and nothing. First the marriage and now this. I feel he is waiting for us to have more money etc but it’s not going to suddenly just happen. He is going to ask for a raise at work which I’m sure he will get but again is putting that off for some reason. Just feel like he is putting things back and waiting for something that’s never coming. If I bring it up it turns into an argument and him saying I’m pressuring him and it will happen, he even told me once it’ll happen within the next year and it didn’t. I just get upset and things return to normal again. Apart from this we have a great relationship and are a happy family but I’m starting to get resentful, first the marriage and now it’s coming over into trying for a second child. Any advice?

I’d be cautious of issuing ultimatums unless (a) you really mean them if they involve you walking away, and (b) he may agree to something he’s actually not happy with and will later come to regret - I.e; agrees to have a second child by X date. That date comes and he renegades OR you get pregnant and he then resents you for coercing him into something he doesn’t want.

I’d concentrate on asking him to be honest about what he really wants - and withholding judgement about that - then depending on the outcome of that conversation focus on what the real blockers are for committing to a timescale. You can then perhaps put a plan in place to unblock those blockers. If it’s he wants to save £x before another child, or he wants a better earning job or you to go back to work, what might a plan for that look like?

It doesn’t sound like his lack of commitment to marriage is financially motivated - you’re on equal footing to all intents and purposes. So it’s either he doesn’t understand/ care what it means to you OR he’s not actually as committed as he says he is.

OP, did you see the recent Martin Lewis posts with nine reasons to get married or civil partnered up? Would these be handy to have on your phone?
Martin Lewis blog
If you are forced into issuing ultimatums, more likely than not, that's game-over territory.

Rather than telling him a random date in the future, I'd book a date at the registry office.

If he chokes and then makes excuses, you'll know he has no interest in either a marriage or a baby. He's just future faking you because he already has someone to share the bills, keep his bed warm and clean his loo.

Then at least you'll know where you stand.

Yep I've had one like this OP - for 20+ years. He's clearly telling you what he wants (or doesn't want) - listen to him. If it's a deal breaker for you, then you will need to split up - so best prepare and put things in place for this.

Marriage and second baby are two entirely different things. He’s 43 which would be old to have another newborn. He already has the hassle and costs of one child and not much money in the bank, I’m not surprised he’s not jumping at the chance to have another.

Regarding marriage, he’ll be aware that it’s very risky for a man so why would he risk losing 50% of everything AND only seeing his kids that he loves every other weekend? Half the people on this thread are already telling you to leave him soon just for being indecisive (despite him being a great dad and a decent bloke) so you can’t blame him for keeping his options open.

Should have got married before having a child and buying a house with a much older man really…