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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh told me to f*** off last night

40 replies

ohdearohdear · 12/05/2008 08:18

I've been thinking of having a breast reduction done and last night when we were talking about it, i said something about a friend saying she'd visit afterwards and bring some grapes. I asid to him it'd be nice if you you brought more than grapes, maybe a card/ flowers because that's what people do. he got sooo stroppy about it and said "so now i'm being told what to do when i visit". i went away as i was so upset with how he spoke to me. later i came downstairs and told him not to bother coming to any appointments with me if he was going to be like that and he told me to f off. I threw soem water over him (blush) and went upstairs. He knows ho much i can't stand the f word and i really thought he'd never say it to me again. the last time was during a dreadful row last august. I know feel i can't have my op because it'll remind me of him telling me to f off. He admitted afterwards he's very nervous about me having it done but will support me if i decide to go ahead. am i overreacting to hims telling me to f off?

OP posts:
ButterflyBessie · 12/05/2008 08:20

yes

FrannyandZooey · 12/05/2008 08:21

agree Bessie

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 12/05/2008 08:25

thanks - i know you're probably right but i really thought he wouldn't ever say that to me again as he knows how much it upsets me

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 12/05/2008 08:28

Yes you are overreacting...

Were you seriously telling your partner to write you a card and bring flowers after the op? Lol lol, that is hysterical. But this whole thing sounds sadly immature.

windygalestoday · 12/05/2008 08:32

in stark contrast to what surgery and illness a lot of mners have i find posts like this v immature and pthetic.

Wezzle · 12/05/2008 08:34

this is a joke right?

FrannyandZooey · 12/05/2008 08:35

you both need to practise saying what you are feeling instead of lashing out at the other every time a difficult emotion comes up

sorry if this sounds patronising but it is like a couple of toddlers fighting

you could say "I am feeling so anxious about the op and it would mean a lot to me if you could bring a little card and perhaps some flowers. "

He could say "I feel insulted that you think I don't know how to behave when visiting you in hospital."

You could say "I see what you mean; I think I am just worried I won't feel supported when I am probably going to be feeling very down."

He could say "Well I'm frightened about it too to be honest."

etc etc

instead of throwing water etc
just say what you feel and ask for what you need

QuintessentialShadows · 12/05/2008 08:37

Very good advice from FZ.

FrannyandZooey · 12/05/2008 08:39

well let's face it is is ruddy easy when talking about someone else's argument isn't it
we have all got sucked into doing ridiculous things when angry or upset, but when it is all written down like this it shows up how pointless it all is

Blu · 12/05/2008 08:41

I can completely understand why both of you are feeling anxious and jittery in the run up to your op. Franny is right, this is about recognising and sharing those feelings.

Don't order him about and tell him what to bring (aka 'you're a crap husband'), tell him you are looking froward to the op being over but are apprehensive about convalescence. Ask him how he is feeling, seeing you go 'under the knife' etc.

And good luck with the surgery - I know a lot of people have huge discomfort from breasts - hope the surgery makes life easier.

meanwhile, take a deep breath, and be kinder to yourself, and your dh!

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 12/05/2008 08:41

thats everyone. i know it seems very, very silly now & i feel ashamed- i think we're just a bit overcome with it. I've been wanting this op for years and now it's becoming a reality that i can have it done, i'm teriified. I'll call dh soon and hopefully we can have a chat - does that sound like a good idea?

OP posts:
Blu · 12/05/2008 08:41

Do not see why anyhting about this thread / OP should be a joke.

MayPolerBear · 12/05/2008 08:42

How do we know the OP isn't having a breast reduction because of medical issues (e.g. back problems)? I have no idea if that is the case and am not interested in being proved right or wrong, but this attitude of "how dare you post that when other MNers have real problems" is really offputting to anyone who wants to post about anything less than an earth shattering issue.

agree, good advice F&Z, as usual

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 12/05/2008 08:43

that franny&zooey. we both know what we should be doing and saying but it's not always so easy when stressed/ tired, etc

OP posts:
MayPolerBear · 12/05/2008 08:43

x posted with last few posts
yes, sounds like a very good idea, hope you get it sorted good luck for your op

nailpolish · 12/05/2008 08:44

im áfraid is id be dumbfounded if my dh stated what hed like me to birng when i visitied him after an op

surely thats the last thing to wrry about?

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 12/05/2008 08:45

thanks maypolerbear. the op is because my very large bust has caused me alot of discomfort for years

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 12/05/2008 08:47

yes do call him
of course you are stressed - don't forget he is too, and it is often harder for men as they can't express feelings so easily to friends etc
can you imagine the laughs he would probably get if at work he said to a colleague "I am feeling really worried about my wife having this breast op"
he would just get a lot of crude remarks most likely

tell him you really need his support and that you want him to be there for you, as he will be such a help when you are feeling in pain and tired
try to support each other rather than fighting

windygalestoday · 12/05/2008 08:49

i think it ws the f* word and the throwing of water that made me think this was all very immature.

MayPolerBear · 12/05/2008 08:49

I think it's natural - you were telling him you'd like to be spoiled after your op - he was left thinking "I'm worried about her and she's telling me what fruit to bring!" I would probably have a very similar converation with my DH.

nailpolish · 12/05/2008 08:57

its odd though to tell someone you want to be spoiled

loses the point

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 12/05/2008 09:02

thanks maypolarbear. i'm so sad abouthim telling me to f* off, i'm not sure i can bring myself to call him. just tried but couldn't do it

OP posts:
MummyDoIt · 12/05/2008 09:10

I am one of the MNetters with serious health problems (well, DH anyway) and it really bugs me when people use MY problems to have a go at someone else. MN is here for us all to talk about whatever is bothering us. If you think it's trivial, leave the thread. Even though my family is going through a pretty rough time, I can still have a bit of sympathy and compassion for other people's problems. It's not an 'I've got it worse than you' competition. Sorry to butt in but the OP felt strongly enough about her problem to post it and I feel it's a bit tough on her for other people to tell her she shouldn't because it's not as serious as other people's problems.

Blu · 12/05/2008 09:16

windy - yes, it is but that doesn't mean that the cause isn't deeper - or worthy of ohdear being able to mull it over with a couple of mates - and find a way to be more mature!

Ohdear - he's probably feeling the same thing...but outraged about the water and the teling him what to do in visiting hours.

Try a bit at a time.

And look - people (unfortunately!) tell each other to f off all the time on MN. I'm not saying it was ok fr him to have said it to you, but, in truth (although it is doubtless because you feel so anxious) you did behave thoroughly unreasonable before he told you to f off!

Apologise for the first thing you did, and see if he apologises for what he did. But for heavens sake tell him how vulnerable you are feeling.

Blu · 12/05/2008 09:18

(MummyDoIt - yes, I agree. Not serious health problems but DS will be having huge surgery in a couple of weeks that will affect him and family life for a year afterwards - I utterly utterly understand how apprehension about surgery - and especially something so tied up with self-image like breast surgery - would cause the levels of stress that lead to this sprt of upset)