Dh told me to f*** off last night

[ohdearohdear]

I've been thinking of having a breast reduction done and last night when we were talking about it, i said something about a friend saying she'd visit afterwards and bring some grapes. I asid to him it'd be nice if you you brought more than grapes, maybe a card/ flowers because that's what people do. he got sooo stroppy about it and said "so now i'm being told what to do when i visit". i went away as i was so upset with how he spoke to me. later i came downstairs and told him not to bother coming to any appointments with me if he was going to be like that and he told me to f off. I threw soem water over him (blush) and went upstairs. He knows ho much i can't stand the f word and i really thought he'd never say it to me again. the last time was during a dreadful row last august. I know feel i can't have my op because it'll remind me of him telling me to f off. He admitted afterwards he's very nervous about me having it done but will support me if i decide to go ahead. am i overreacting to hims telling me to f off?

just ried calling but he;s not there at the mo. supposed to have a friend comng round later but don't feel up to talking to anyone in real life

I can sympathise with you asking your DH to bring you a card and flowers-I'm assuming here but I think if it were me I might say something similar, but really I would be asking for support and sympathy...its about the thought, not the flowers and card as such. Maybe you are worried that he won't be supportive when you need him to be. Maybe you know that he can seem/be unsupportive. Maybe you know that he might not think of making a gesture like that, and that flowers would really cheer you up when you are in hospital.
As some of the other posters have said, you probably need to tell him how you feel, rather than appear to be telling him what to do when he visits. Good luck.

thanks Rosj - i think that's partly it - that i'm think he wouldn't think of making a gesture like that and then i's be a bit hurt. By mentioning it, i suppose i was hoping he would think of it. he can be emotionally unsupportive , but very " practically2 supportive, ie looking after ds, doing things round the house but not always saying the right thing

i've spoken to him and he sorry for what happened last night - we both are. he still wants me to go ahead with the op as he knows how much i want it really

well done, ohdear.

I sympathjise with the 'practical' rather than emotional suport - DP doesn't do romantic or 'sensitive' gestures, either. But does get on with the practicalities. I don't think that means they don't care, though.

Not really sure what to do when he gets home. have cancelled mu friend coming round this afternoon as i feel so tired and unsociable because of what's happened. I really don't know if i can go ahead with the op now in case he shouts and swears at me becuae he's stressed while i'm recovering

I think you need to take some responsibility for looking after your own health ohdear
I presume you are pretty desperate for this OP - people don't have such surgery lightly
making it dependent on him behaving in a certain way is really doomed to end in tragedy IMO

yes, i've wanted this done for years but have never had the money to get it done before. It's not dependant on him behaving a certain way, i just need to know that he's prpered to look adfter me and ds until i'm better

I'm dreading dh coming home and am so full of unhappiness about the fact he told me to f* off after saying so many times he's try not to again. Some other threads seemt o describe his shouting and swearing as abuse , but i'm not sure his behaviour is quite that bad. it used to be (and so did mine occasionally). I think he can't control his temper and tht's never going to change. We've seen counsellors in the past, one very good one until a few months ago and we've also both seen some separately.

I just don't get the impression that many women get told to f off by their husbands, especially when the husband knows that their wife is so upset by swearing. maybe i'm wrong and the occassional F off happens in most marriages?

anyone there?

i think you are blowing this to absolutely catacylsmic proportions.

i agree 100 % with everything frannyandzooey has said on this thread.

maybe your Dh had planned to bring you something other than grapes or flowers to teh hospital....

cannot see how he is any more in the wrong than you, when you threw water over him , you both need to apologise and move on

he is clearly stressed about the surgery as are you and you need to talk about that rather than focus on him using the f word

dp has told me to f- off in the past, yes, and probably vice versa
I don't think it is a particularly good thing to do, but I know that when he has said it, he has meant "absolutely leave me alone right now, because I can't control my temper and I can't bear these awful feelings that this argument is making me have, and I want you to go away and shut up right away"

which I think tbh is a fair thing to say, although there are obviously more polite ways of saying it

neither of us have ever thrown water over one another, for instance
I would be REALLY upset about that, personally

have you anyone to talk to about this, other than dh? It sounds like you really need some support and reassurance and that it would be better if you had someone else to help you with it. He's obviously struggling and I think you're taking your worries out on one another.

You're scared, he's scared.

Neither of you handled it well because you're both scared.

Every relationship is different but in my relationship throwing water would be pretty bad, much worse than fuck off, very disrespectful.

dh got home a while ago and bought me flowers to say sorry. he's taken ds out for a walk now