ADHD and impact on partners

[NeedHandHoldThroughThis]

I’d like some input from people whose partner had a late diagnosis of ADHD.
My husband is a lovely kind gentle man, i love him but he’s always been seemingly unable to function in the real world. I never managed to convince him to have a job, he stayed at home throughout the whole of our relationship which I’m massively resentful for because he does the absolute bare minimum - the flat is tiny and imo with no children and no pets with one person being home all day it should be fucking spotless (spoiler, it isn’t!). It got to the point that I can’t take this any more, I find myself being envious of our friends who have a clean house, a cleaner (we had one for a while but I was lying in bed awake at night fuming that she was pussyfooting around him while he was faffing about on his football team’s website, so I stopped calling her with an excuse), who go on holidays (it’s not that we can’t afford holidays but again when we do go away I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking how I’d be spending half the money and would have more fun if I was going with a girlfriend, so now I find every excuse not to go), who have obvious chemistry (I can’t bear to be approached sexually, I’d love a cuddle but he’s withholding them because he’s hurt that it never leads to sex)... A few months ago he realised that he probably has ADD which initially i rolled my eyes at (ADHD without the Hyperactivity = surely that’s just a new fancy name for laziness?!?) but then he opened up and started telling me more and more of what goes on in his head, I started reading about it and I have to admit a lot of infuriating behaviours now make more sense. At the same time I think when he really WANTS to do something he somehow manages to get his shit together and do it, so why not a job? Why not the dusting or the mopping?
He’s waiting for an assessment which we know can take years, in the meantime he’s become massively emotionally invested in this diagnosis, and every time I complain about something he pulls the ADHD card. We haven’t had sex for many years and I now realise it’s because I always felt like I was parenting him, which is hardly a turn on. And now I feel like I’m his carer.
I have told him I’m unhappy and we have started talking about divorce, but part of me wants to cling to the hope that with medications he’ll get better and we’ll find our way back in some way. At the same time I don’t think I’ll ever manage to find him sexually attractive, it’s been so so long since I did.
I wonder if anyone has found themselves in a similar predicament and what the outcome was. Thank you to whoever had the patience to read till the end

I don't think a diagnosis is going to suddenly fix your relationship.
Like you said if he had atleast kept the flat clean over the years you would not resent him so much .
Maybe having a break will give him the boost to be more productive. He may have just taken for granted all these years that you will work and look after him and not leave.

He hasn't had a job in your entire relationship? That is awful for you. Presumably he can't even treat you to a gift anytime because he has no money of his own. How have you coped so far? What do your family and friends think?

He's totally taking you for a mug. Show him you aren't one.

He won't change.

I'm no doctor, but I'm diagnosing Cocklodger Syndrome.

He sounds like a pet.

He’s bringing absolutely nothing to the table. I wouldn’t even entertain the idea that being adhd is the reason for his cocklodging and laziness. You should never have had to convince him to have a job, it isn’t optional.

A few months ago he realised that he probably has ADD which initially i rolled my eyes at (ADHD without the Hyperactivity = surely that’s just a new fancy name for laziness?!?)

Wow the blokes lucky to have you isn't he? 🙄 ADHD is hereditary so leave him before you have a child who requires a hell of a lot more understanding than you've indicated in this statement.
You're clearly not happy so leave him and let him move on with his life where he suddenly understands why his brain works the way it does. Hopefully he'll find someone to love him for who he is

One answer here as I have one as well!

Medication!!!!!!

Google adhd right to chose he can be seen in 2 weeks on the nhs for some

My adhd bf ended up kicking of most of our last holiday as he didn't know how to behave. Massive anxiety attacks. Drank to much then volatile honestly list goes on. Also stop doing to.much have you heard of learnt helplessness. I bet he smokes weed as well?

I have ADHD and would say he’s not making any of it up. However I think the split is a good idea. It’s too easy for him to just repeat the same day over and over again at this point. A massive change would do him good. Even if you just decide to move out and set up on your own, he will have to take action.

I’ve actually seen this play out in real life. Sil was in your position and left BIl. She wanted a better life and gave him plenty of chances. He had no choice but to sort himself out. At first he did nothing but wallow, but as the weeks went on and he realised no-one else was going to step in, the pressure kicked in and he finally started making phone calls and filling in forms, getting work and looking after himself a bit more.

The time between thinking you might have adhd and getting the diagnosis is an emotional rollercoaster. He’s figuring out who he is. It’s tough. But it’s his thing to figure out, not yours. You’re free to live any life you want and you definitely don’t owe him years of your life (and half of your wages!) while he figures it all out.

Although my situation wasn't the same as yours, My ex had ADHD which was only diagnosed to the latter end of the relationship (when we'd already started having trouble). Mind you none of it was discussed with me whatsoever which if it had been probably would have helped. I absolutely felt he pulled the ADHD card. But he'd see it differently. But yes I felt he'd say it's my ADHD it's my ADHD it's my ADHD to absolutely everything. And it was an excuse.
But then I think if he'd worked with me with this problems rather than away from maybe it would have been different. I don't know

Did you read the post? He adds nothing to the OPs life. He doesn’t work. He doesn’t do anything around the home. He doesn’t give her affection. He is not a partner. As a result, she is no longer attracted to him.

whether he has ADHD or just a classic case of Cocklodger syndrome, it’s too late for the relationship to be saved.

@NeedHandHoldThroughThis , it sounds like your relationship was over a long time ago. Time to let go and move on with your life. Best of luck!

Together 2.5 years he was diagnosed and medicated as a child came of them went to prison.
So I've sorted all adhd meds and appointments
Sorted his pip
Paid and taught him to drive.
Found and took him to all training courses which he starts then gets fed up
Jobs last 1-2 weeks as can't manage more than 4 days. This is with meds btw. He took concerta as a kid but because of the shortages he takes elvanse. He did take my concerta other day and seemed OK tbh.

Anyways no it doesn't get better

@FluffyDashhound , he is only your bf, get out while you can before your situation ends up like the OP. Yours sounds even worse and sounds abusive. Save yourself!

Love doesn't pay the bills or clean the toilet. Since when does ADHD prevent any form of employment or getting off the couch?

My tinted glasses are finally of. He's better since meds he doesn't throw his phone anymore he isn't scaring me anymore. The adhd male anger is truly terrifying it really really is. I have got him to move out though. But i need to get him to pass this driving test. Honestly I became so convinced everything was adhd yes I've been manipulated and gas lit along time. Anyways this isn't my thread x

I think these are problems beyond what a diagnosis can solve.

My DH is looking to get one following our DS' diagnosis and yes, his ADHD has had an impact. He's had some difficulty holding down jobs (he's held a couple for years no problem, but also not made probation/been let go for several) and he has emotional regulation problems, compounded by how he was parented, that have had an impact and we have been having really productive counselling about lately.

But I think there's too much wrong with your DH's scenario to hold out hope that medication would sort him out, for one thing he is just too used not to doing things by the sound of things.

They lose jobs alot through anger, can't finish the final bits and rush tasks. Hyoerfocus then burn out.

Sorry - you've spent years just paying for him to sit at home watching Youtube while the cleaner you pay for fusses around him!? And you did so without any suggestion of ADHD beforehand - you just accepted that you should earn all the money, do all the cleaning or pay for a cleaner, etc? His behaviour is a problem, but your lack of self worth is too.

(I have inattentive type ADHD. It's caused me lots of problems - debt, illnesses, thousands in dental treatment for failing to look after myself, issues with , etc. However, I also have learned that not my fault does NOT equal not my responsibility. I feel for him, but I'm concerned that nobody has apparently ever told this adult man that it's still his responsibility to handle.)

People with ADHD are much more likely to be fired, struggle in work, move between jobs etc. And executive dysfunction is a real and crippling thing.

I know this, I've got ADHD, and have been medicated for years. I'm not dismissing that what OP's partner is experiencing is real and nor should you. But I am gobsmacked nobody's ever made him realise it's time he worked out some strategies to handle life - like did he go from his parents' to living with OP? Has he ever looked after himself? It's baffling. I had no choice but to be medicated and find strategies that worked to keep me semi functioning because I had no fallback.

Dear god woman, who gives a toss if he gets a diagnosis? Just dump him. He managed to support himself before you rode in on a white horse to save his lazy arse. It’s a completely dead relationship with nothing to save. Get rid of him then get done therapy to work out why you tolerated such an awful relationship for so long. You deserve so much better. Everyone does. Free yourself and go have a happy life with sex, holidays, companionship, fun, a bright future. Please don’t waste more years skivvying for a selfish twat.

It doesn’t sound like he’s even tried to find one so no chance of losing one. He hasn’t bothered because he had OP to fund his lifestyle while he tits around on his fucking phone all day.

ADHD aside the withholding hugs as a punishment for you not having enough sex would be enough to leave for me.

Maybe medication will help him focus but it doesn't change attitudes like the sex thing.

Maybe he is adhd. That doesn't mean he can't be lazy too.

Fwiw I have adhd. It is certainly debilitating at times house is a mess but this is because I burnt myself out working/parenting. I was late diagnosed and there were obvious signs in my childhood but I coped with school and didn't present in the typical male presentation so not picked up. Took me a little while to settle I to steady work, lots of job changes. Chaotic social life and home.

I suspect if he got to adulthood as a male not diagnosed then it's not been crippling enough to justify the lack of housework and lack of job. Maybe repeatedly loosing jobs but to not manage a house when you have no job is a serious level of impairment that would have been obvious at school. Did get get GCSEs? Uni? Your post reads like he's not been trying? Trying and failing is a sign of adhd if he meets diagnosis criteria but to not try at all isn't adhd. Has he been depressed about his shortcomings? This I feel should stand out. To be adhd and not know is to be unable to manage the simple stuff you see everyone else manage- no matter how hard you try- you always know there is something different about you and that feels like shit. You can hide that from most people, but id expect a partner to be aware of those feelings .

Trust your gut. Even if he is adhd that doesn't mean you have to put up with the life you have now. And as a pp said it's genetic so if you have kids you could easily have a high needs child to support

I second this!

ADHD or not he sounds like an abysmal person. Cut your losses and move on and focus on you!

Answering a few questions.

It would not be fair to say that he adds nothing: he adores me and is very supportive in many ways, he’s funny and witty and we see the world in the same way when it comes to politics etc, he shops and he cooks and entertains (all things I’m shit at), and with enough nagging he’ll do most of the heavy lifting when it comes to the housework (washing windows, painting walls, clearing gutters, stuff like that). He introduced me to a lovely community of artists that I would have never had access to, and these are now my friends too.

I’ve never been into material things and I didn’t want to embarrass him so from the start I always said no gifts. I always thought that would be the least of my worries tbh, but I admit that an exchange of gifts at Xmas or birthdays would be nice… but again it would feel like when children “buy you a present” with the other parent’s money, only I’m like a single mum.

He does smoke weed. A lot. He says that it’s the only thing that helps calm his racing mind.
But he’s never been abusive, verbally or otherwise.

Before I came along he was scraping a very modest living as a painter, along with little cash in hand jobs and benefits. Then as soon as I arrived we moved in together (I know, mug - second biggest mistake of my life after marrying him) and initially I stupidly thought that I was supporting his ambitions by allowing him to focus solely on his art. Gradually he painted less and less and spent more and more time just fucking about online (which enrages me on a daily basis, when the floors are filthy!)

Our friends love him (although I’m sure they see him as a lovable piss taker). My family have no idea about the financial side of things , I always lied to them in order not to hear them saying what I’m reading here.

I'd love a cuddle but he’s withholding them because he’s hurt that it never leads to sex

Regardless of diagnosis, you have a petulant sex pest of a cocklodger.

Get that divorce. If you own your flat, see a solicitor first because you risk being screwed for half of it.