ADHD and impact on partners

[NeedHandHoldThroughThis]

I’d like some input from people whose partner had a late diagnosis of ADHD.
My husband is a lovely kind gentle man, i love him but he’s always been seemingly unable to function in the real world. I never managed to convince him to have a job, he stayed at home throughout the whole of our relationship which I’m massively resentful for because he does the absolute bare minimum - the flat is tiny and imo with no children and no pets with one person being home all day it should be fucking spotless (spoiler, it isn’t!). It got to the point that I can’t take this any more, I find myself being envious of our friends who have a clean house, a cleaner (we had one for a while but I was lying in bed awake at night fuming that she was pussyfooting around him while he was faffing about on his football team’s website, so I stopped calling her with an excuse), who go on holidays (it’s not that we can’t afford holidays but again when we do go away I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking how I’d be spending half the money and would have more fun if I was going with a girlfriend, so now I find every excuse not to go), who have obvious chemistry (I can’t bear to be approached sexually, I’d love a cuddle but he’s withholding them because he’s hurt that it never leads to sex)... A few months ago he realised that he probably has ADD which initially i rolled my eyes at (ADHD without the Hyperactivity = surely that’s just a new fancy name for laziness?!?) but then he opened up and started telling me more and more of what goes on in his head, I started reading about it and I have to admit a lot of infuriating behaviours now make more sense. At the same time I think when he really WANTS to do something he somehow manages to get his shit together and do it, so why not a job? Why not the dusting or the mopping?
He’s waiting for an assessment which we know can take years, in the meantime he’s become massively emotionally invested in this diagnosis, and every time I complain about something he pulls the ADHD card. We haven’t had sex for many years and I now realise it’s because I always felt like I was parenting him, which is hardly a turn on. And now I feel like I’m his carer.
I have told him I’m unhappy and we have started talking about divorce, but part of me wants to cling to the hope that with medications he’ll get better and we’ll find our way back in some way. At the same time I don’t think I’ll ever manage to find him sexually attractive, it’s been so so long since I did.
I wonder if anyone has found themselves in a similar predicament and what the outcome was. Thank you to whoever had the patience to read till the end

@NeedHandHoldThroughThis “I never managed to convince him to have a job, he stayed at home throughout the whole of our relationship” “ I can’t bear to be approached sexually” “We haven’t had sex for many years” …I’m sure we are all wondering, how you ended up married to this person? How long have you been together? Having read a lot about adhd/add since my child’s diagnosis, including Sarah Templetons book, where she highlights that a significant percentage of the prison population likely have undiagnosed adhd, I’m quite aware of the crappy lives that people experience when they aren’t diagnosed and medicated as children. However, there is a point at which you can make a choice as to whether you are going to carry him for the rest of your life…how old are you? Do you want a decent relationship and kids with someone who can support you too?

Ahh just seen your update, he’s a drug addict…nothing would persuade me to stay with an addict, adhd or not.

I have ADHD. I have found strategies for the things I struggled with. I work outdoors because that helps me. I stopped drinking alcohol because that doesn’t.

DH finds my untidiness infuriating, but I enjoy cooking, so we have an understanding that I make delicious meals; he clears up afterwards.

I have three jobs. I find the less I do; the less I’m capable of. Inertia sets in.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but it is possible.

Your update doesn’t make things better. Surely you know that having to lie so your loved ones don’t realise how awful your marriage is is a very very bad sign? He’s a drug addict. He buys groceries does he? With your money. You shouldn’t need to include that in a list of apparently redeeming features.

He's just a cocklodger, the good ones know they need to be pleasant enough to be allowed to stay long term. Come on you know this, he's not even trying to work.
The fact he believes it's fine means he actually doesn't care about you.
You are just a means to provide this lifestyle for him.
Oh and it's absolutely the weed. I have several of these gems in my family. Smoking that shit seems to wipe out any ambition or drive to do anything at all other than piss about spending their days busily doing nothing. For years on end.

The real question here is are you prepared to support a non contributing, unaffectionate, stoner for the rest of your life? What you have is a likeable squatter!

He may well have ADD or ADHD but he has done absolutely zero to address it or help himself out despite it having a huge impact on both his life and yours.

I’m well in my 50s, we’ve been together nearly 20 years, he’s a bit older.
No children by choice. Thank god.
I’ve been an absolute mug and I can see that now, after having some therapy.

He has been depressed for most of our relationship I think, but he always refused to get help. Only now that he feels the ADD label fits him and the depression is a consequence he’s keen to get on medications. I see this as a positive but my god these waiting lists are discouraging.

I found posting helpful. Thanks everyone for the reality check. I’ve told myself the same things over and over again, but due to a combination of we don’t argue much, he’s lovely in many ways, change is hard, I have a very busy fulfilling life outside (work hobbies volunteering) and I have next to no self esteem, I allowed this to go on far too long.

Now he’s looking for work to move out but obviously it’s hard having been out of the job market for decades. I don’t know how to help him, and I can’t really kick him out with nowhere to go.
I feel better having made the first step but now it’s on him and I’m terrified this will drag on for years.
I could be so free and happy but I signed it all away, and now I have to wait for him to give it back. Maddening.

Next question is who pays for his weed. And are you smoking it as well.

Ultimately stop paying for his 50 60 quid a week habbit yes it does help. I'll admit this but it makes you lazy. When I smoked it the overly active mind stopped.

I bet you have autism as well.
Few options get him on concerta not elvanse and see how he is. Go on adhd right to chose find the shortest wait time (not psych uk) He will need to stop weed first though and be prepared for his awful anxiety and him second guessing himself and you and him being clingy during this time.

https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/

Ask for a referral to.hollistic adhd on rtc it's 2 weeks

Tell him to do his cscs course green skills days are free.

So type into Google tree cscs training for unemployed or Warehouse work as adhd men usually need constant fast pace keep occupied if he does cscs it's min pay 13 to 14 quid an hour.

I’ll look into the links you sent, thank you.
No I don’t smoke and I don’t think I’m neurodivergent, just an absolute idiot.

Weed is really good self medication for adhd. Obviously I shouldn't say that but many of us will say it calms a racing mind. I smoked through uni and the evidence in my marks was significant- one essay I wrote stone cold sober I failed anything I wrote a bit stoned I would be getting 80%.

It's up to you if you want to stay with a druggie. But what I will say is weed sucks your drive and motivation it's not a long term solution. If he gets diagnosed and gets meds then he absolutely has to quit the weed and if he doesn't then you should have the self respect to leave. You deserve better xx

I really struggled with my most recent ex of 6mnths who had adhd, one day it was fine, the next he walked out of his job and thought nothing of just UC supporting him. Our conversations over a short time become so dull like what he had cooked hot dinner. I’ve always worked, I like pay and job progression and would mostly never walk out of a job. It really started to grate that he didn’t feel bothered about finding work until he had nothing but £20 a week to live on and I was paying for weekends. I could just see him trying to be a house husband so he could escape the idea of work. I had to end it in the end.

Christ. He's been a cocklodger for years! Did he have a job when you met him? What did you fall in love with him for?

How did he think he'd live without making any money?

I'd leave.

This is so sad
He couldn't but you any gifts but could buy weed 🤔. I thought he sounded about 29 ..not over 50.
You have done more then enough for this man . You definitely deserve better

I only say as most ppl with adhd end up with someone with asd.

My ex husband was high functioning asd. I'm adhd so is bf and we rrgu and the dysregulation is unreal sometimes.

My brother has adhd his wife has asd. My friend is adhd her husband is asd I think the asd calms the adhd person

Op I'm a late 30s diagnosed 2023 ADD which is now inattentive adhd. Guess what... I've been in a job for 20 years and worked my way up. I run my own car. I pay my own bills without one being late as I schedule them in properly. I manage my life (albeit with a calendar and reminders lol)

My point is your husband is just a lazy arsehole. He's self diagnosing and it might not even be accurate! Personality is very separate from ADHD. I keep seeing more and more feckless men using it on here an excuse to be lazy or abusive to their partners. And half of the time, they aren't even diagnosed!

With men, adhd or not, if they want to they will, if it's important enough to them.

Don't confuse this with ADHD.

I am not perfect. I struggle with this disorder like anyone else who has it. The difference is I do my utmost to work with it. I use different techniques to help myself or my life would be a shambles. I'm sure my NT partner of 20 years would tell you some annoying things that I do.

But I'm kind, loving and loyal and I wouldn't dare treat my partner how he is treating you. Don't be a mug any longer putting up with his bullshit. He is making a mockery of you and your relationship. If he was that bothered about his so called adhd, he would do what I did before diagnosis and research the hell out of it find ways to deal with it and utilise them!

Now he’s looking for work to move out

Oh, so now that his meal ticket is expiring, he's looking for work? FFS.

Weed= there’s your answer for all his depression,ADHD and unwillingness to do anything. Where’s the money for that coming from OP?

”He adores me”- of course he does. He adores his gravy train that enables him to do absolutely nothing.

OP, you only have one life.

People with ADHD are perfectly able to work albeit they will have some skills that are more useful than others and some skills they lack. Hyperfocus, for example, can actually be very helpful for someone who is in the arts - allowing them to focus on their work, not get distracted etc. Like any disability, ADHD is (in most cases) one that can be worked aroudn and accomodated and makes somet hings easier than others. I have a very mild physical disability. It has meant that yes, I was never going to work in a job that was very physical - I can't stack supermarket shelves, and I probably would have struggled even with jobs like physiotherapy which can often require significant strength and a full range of movement. Doesn't mean I haven't been able to work.

DS has ADHD. He already knows that he will not be looking for work that involves sittingg in an office all day. He would never cope. He's considering police work, physiotherapy/sports related or jobs that involve sales. His hyperfocus means he's good at following rabbit holes (police), he likes to be active (physiotherapy or similar) and he's got zero problems talking to people and being out and about (sales+) he also is preternaturally calm in a crisis which is probably good for many of these careers.

DH probably also has ADHD. Working hard is not difficlt for him. Working smart however... that is harder. Shift work works best for him - he turns up, gives it 100%, then leaves. He isn't good at organisation and paper work and so, for example, is LOVED in his current role where it's an active job but they are all supposed to do a few hours admin a week - customer service, customer admin etc. He is useless at that so instead, he does does the room checks/safety checks that everyone else hates. He has no problem going round, putting any loose bits away, checking (from a handy list) that x and y are in place, doing quick wipe downs etc.

The point is that ADHD shouldnt mean he can't DO anything and using it as an excuse is bullshit. Over all these years, pre-him deciding he has ADHD, did he ever expres disappointment that he didn't do more? Did he ever come up with plans to how he was going to achieve more. Because I'll tel lyou this - even DS, aged 14, has learnt that sometimes he has to come up with a PLAN as otherwise it won't happen.

+side note - DS and I once did a car boot sale. He was a MACHINE. Managed to convince all kinds of people to buy all kinds of things! He's charming and chatty. It's really quite funny!

I don't think his adhd is the issue here. My partner is late diagnosed and despite many difficulties, manages his adhd so he is able to be a fully functioning adult.

My DH has been diagnosed at 52, but he suspected it for about a decade. He's had two broken marriages, lost a business and a house and tried to kill himself more than once. On paper he's a nightmare 😆 he's very clever and works in a job well below his earning capacity but which allows him to be creative and develop new projects because his boss is also ADHD IMO and now he's middle aged he's calmed down a lot. He manages his ADHD with weed, a healthy diet and exercise and while he's not immune to making silly mistakes (usually at the very last step of a complicated and challenging sequence of steps executed perfectly until he swaps two numbers around or fits a piece backwards or whatever) he's pretty well functioning. He's also passionate, creative and spontaneous, and brings my ordered mind the fun and sparkle that I miss. It's not always easy being with a ND person but IME worth it and more.

Weed is not the cause of his ADHD! what do you mean by that?? It is also unlikely to be a cause of his depression.

Honestly, I could have written your post @NeedHandHoldThroughThis . DH does work but has lost several jobs and I'm always worrying he's about to get fired.
No advice really but I do have sympathy.

And who has paid for the weed, you have. He's used your money to buy it.

Get a divorce and free yourself from this pitiful existence.

There is nothing to rescue and or save here and you need to ask yourself some hard questions as to why you were at all attracted to him in the first place.