sticking out a dead marriage for financial reasons

[yellowflora]

I have a reasonably comfortable life with dh (14 years married) but am very unhappy mainly due to him ignoring me most of the time and acting like I’m not there for example if I speak to him he’s always doing something else and most I’ll get is an unenthusiastic ‘huh’ showing he doesn’t listen and isn’t interested etc, he doesn’t celebrate my birthday/christmas etc which I would like and we don’t go out at all because he doesn’t like it. I have mentioned these things a few times but it’s clear nothing will change.

I am thinking to stick it out until dc leave because I won’t be able to afford to give them the life they are currently happy in if I leave (private school that caters to their sen especially) we also live abroad having moved from the uk and it would mean causing upheaval for dc.
has anyone else stuck it out. I don’t care what I get at the end I just care my dc are happy and sorted. My dh is a bitter man. If I leave I know he will cause as much trouble as possible. I don’t even feel I’m strong enough to deal with that rn.

Wait until they are both over 12 (again, depending on country)

But see a lawyer now and get on with it. You will hold so many more cards.

My sister works in a male dominated industry where a lot of the men she works with have non working wives. Many of them have said to my sister, my wife would never leave me because she can’t. I think sometimes when men have the power of money they think they can treat their wives badly because it’s so hard for them to leave.

i think it’s in your best interest to get a job.

1. because if you want to leave even further down the road you’re probably going to need it
2. you might find his attitude towards you changes when you start to have more independence

IMO

@BlackStrayCat If she’s also ready to move on when both children are 18 though, would that be a major problem?

I defer to you though as you’ve got personal experience of this situation. I’m just thinking of the custody situation and how that’s easier when the children are adults.

1. She would significantly loose out in the divorce re: everything! No dependant DCs.
2. Her DCs would probably not want to leave to UK by 18. He could say he could house them.
3. Her XH could change the locks. It is a civil matter, not criminal and requires a court case. To be paid for. (My Ex did this)
4. It is the wild west outside the UK. I only live in Spain! It is dreadful.
5. If the house is in his name she will be homeless.

It is shocking. I was lucky as I got legal aid as I could prove my Ex was abusive and DD was 13 and could speak to all the people necessary.

It was horrendous but, I am so much better now. As is DD. Poor but very happy.

If I had divorced in the UK I would be a millionaire!

Practically OP, get evidence you do all the doctors/school runs bla bla.

Go to the police and report domestic abuse. You need to just report the situation. You feel un safe with no bank account/phone and money is witheld from you and your husband is financially abusive. You have primary aged DCs you are SOLE carer of.

Start a paper trail. You will get a copy.

Get your marriage certificate translated (easy and quick online). Get your passport and keep it safe. Get DCs birth certificate and keep it and also get it translated.

But please, please see a lawyer asap. It takes years.

I think you need to get a job, just part-time, maybe English conversation in a school, so you have some money that's yours and you're getting out of the house and forming relationships. You are being financially and emotionally abused.

And as pps have said, see a lawyer asap, and see what supports he'd have to give you if you split in the country you're in, it may be favourable. Go even if you use his money to pay for it!

If you do stay till the kids finish school - I hope you don't, it sounds so grim - spend this time upskilling. You could get qualifications online - maybe a subject which has demand for teachers? Or do local courses to become fluent in rhe language of the country you're in. It would help you find work in the UK and increaes your self-esteme.

I do hope you get out, or if you stay, build a life for yourself outside of your husband.

@BlackStrayCat What you went through sounds horrendous. 💐

I believe the OP’s children are just out of primary (she said years 7&8) and as you said, I wonder how they would feel about returning to the UK. I’ve spoken a to my older teens
(now 19 and 16) several times over the years about possibly returning to the UK and neither of them have been particularly interested. That’s why I was suggesting that she waits until they’re legally adults and then the parents won’t be battling it out-the young adults will make their own decisions iyswim.

Unless their father is abusive towards them, of course. Then she has to try and get them out of there ASAP.

your children are residents in your current country. If you seperate you can’t move the children to another country without the father’s permission, as you can be charged for child abduction under The Hague Convention. You need to check if the country you are resident in signed this convention and talk to a lawyer to find out what your rights are with regard the children if you move back to the UK.