sticking out a dead marriage for financial reasons

[yellowflora]

I have a reasonably comfortable life with dh (14 years married) but am very unhappy mainly due to him ignoring me most of the time and acting like I’m not there for example if I speak to him he’s always doing something else and most I’ll get is an unenthusiastic ‘huh’ showing he doesn’t listen and isn’t interested etc, he doesn’t celebrate my birthday/christmas etc which I would like and we don’t go out at all because he doesn’t like it. I have mentioned these things a few times but it’s clear nothing will change.

I am thinking to stick it out until dc leave because I won’t be able to afford to give them the life they are currently happy in if I leave (private school that caters to their sen especially) we also live abroad having moved from the uk and it would mean causing upheaval for dc.
has anyone else stuck it out. I don’t care what I get at the end I just care my dc are happy and sorted. My dh is a bitter man. If I leave I know he will cause as much trouble as possible. I don’t even feel I’m strong enough to deal with that rn.

Both of us are British and only have British passports etc so I can return and would return with him then split there.

Please check with a lawyer, this is so much more complicated than that. Starting with the fact you’re not resident of the country until you’ve lived there 3 months,

How would you explain been away to your dh for 3+ months with dcs missing school?

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

you need to get all the information before you decide.
if you can afford 2 x private there are assets and probably decent pension provisions so you probably can leave now if you want.

first and foremost I would get excellent legal advice, work out the lay of the land and go from there.

There are 3 basic choices: you can leave immediately, wait for a year or two until it suits, stay and wait out school.

short term there are things you can do

• invest in your health
• on your birthday - plan something nice and take the kids out or go for a nice dinner with friends or just take yourself off on a spa day - whatever…
• Christmas - just buy yourself something you want from the family budget and address it from your family
• check your NI contributions and back pay any years you can (from joint account)

@LionME I agree it’s more complicated than that I believe I would still have the right to return and work and live etc in the U.K. the problem is not having a residential U.K. address and no money to pay for one! Perhaps it isn’t even possible. I can’t really contact a lawyer until I’m in the U.K. anyway as dh wfh most of the time and I don’t have anywhere to have a private call for a length of time without him knowing as he pays for my phone here.

I think my only opportunity to get out would be to go back to England in the summer, the dc get two months off school and stay there. He works for a U.K. company and goes into the London office normally so I get more time when we’re in England to sort things anyway.
im pretty sure I’m not entitled to anything benefits wise until I have a residential address as well. That would definitely pose the biggest problem for me. Not really sure if the U.K. would leave me homeless though but it would work against me for having the dc if I were to say I have no money and nowhere to live. Maybe I can’t divorce him anyway due to these issues.

What I’m thinking about though is more the fact that if you keep the dcs in the U.K. and their usually residence is abroad, your dh can object to it.
And if you insist, it would be considered kidnapping. As in you kidnapping the dcs from him.

That’s why I’m saying, please double check.

You can get a good idea of what benefits you could get from Entitledto.
I dint think there is a minimum time you need to have been in the U.K., but yes, you’ll need an address somehow.

Do you have family in the U.K. you could stay with?
Maybe you need to start with having your own bank account (has your dh have one?) so you can get your own phone.
Also re your dh knowing who you’d have rung… are you saying that he is checking all numbers you’re ringing? And that nothing at all is in your name, only his, even down to a mobile?

Thanks @LionME no I don’t have anything here. We have one car and he wfh most days and knows where I am all the time, I don't think I can set up a bank account here because I have no documentation, all bills and rent is in his name which is why the phone is also in his name. Everything is done in person here.

I don’t have access to any money myself though other than savings in a U.K. bank account. Dh doesn’t give me any money. Everything is paid for on his bank card including food shopping. I think I’m probably realising I’m more stuck than when I started this thread!

I'm not sure how old your children are but can you re train or use some time to brush up on your skills so that you can re enter the work place? (If not where you currently live, then if you were to return to the UK.).

Do you have any friends or family that could assist financially?

@yellowflora

I've only read your posts so apologies if I'm repeating others' advice. There is nothing wrong with staying for financial reasons. You just have to understand and accept what you're getting into.

I have a friend in a similar situation. But she's older and her children are grown. Her husband is not a cruel man, her main complaint is that he drinks too much and as a result is pretty much a 'useless lump' from around 11 am on. Every day. She feels somewhat isolated in her own home. Her good friends (including me) live over 100 miles from her and her children are grown and involved in their own lives.

She's staying purely for financial reasons. As much as she dreams of having her own little place (where she says she'd be 'alone, but not lonely') she knows that she'd financially be living on a shoestring whereas right now she has a comfortable life where money isn't an issue. So she made a conscious decision to stay knowing 'it is what it is'.

The main thing she's had to do is emotionally divorce from her husband. She relies only on herself for entertainment and keeping occupied. She relies on herself and her friends for emotional support She does travel to various friends and stays a week or so (and we always welcome her). She visits her DC, although her H usually sobers up enough to accompany her.

Will she ever leave him? I don't know, but I doubt it. She's carved out a life that she's content with in exchange for being able to go where she wants and spend what she wants. All in all, I don't think she's unhappy with her decision. She knew what she was getting into when she decided to stay. Moments of frustration, sure. But for the most part she's happy with her life.

Your situation is obviously different with younger DC, but in the end the decision is the same; to stay when you know you could have an emotionally better life if you left. You are also contemplating moving to a different country, which poses its own problems. Since your DC are under 18, you need to read up on the Hague Convention and if you are currently residing in a Hague country, decide if your H would fight you if you tried to take them to the UK. If so, consider what the chances are of you convincing him that a move back to the UK would be 'best for the whole family'.

It's not an easy decision to make. Either way you make a sacrifice, either financially or emotionally. So just think carefully. And also look at how many years you'll have to live with that decision.

It sounds like you've tried with him, and he's not interested in changing. Honestly, I think I'm with you on stick it out, so long as he isn't abusive and doesn't expect anything from you in return. I'd PLAN, do a training course, start working just so you're used to it, work out where you'd live, what timeline you're thinking of, how you would go about it. It sounds like he'll fight for things so keep records of joint accounts, assets etc. Maybe even speak to a solicitor so you know what ducks you need. Also prepare your children if they're sen, how much support might they need (financial or otherwise) from 18+ would they still live with you, will they be able to work or go to uni etc etc. I have a sen child and I'm happily married but I know divorce would break my son, he'd never cope. If the kids seem happy living as is, you can cope and have time to plan, and he's not abusive or offensive I can see why you're approaching it this way.

@AcrossthePond55

This is desperately sad and a lesson to women to have a bit of financial independence.

This is so important.

Meanwhile you need to unskilled and start looking for work.

He is abusive in that he’s also financially abusing her. She has no direct access to funds, he controls it all.

I would urge OP to seek legal advice asap re divorce.

How have you ascertained there are assets and probably decent pension provisions so she can likely leave now?

This, and her not being able to make a phone call without him knowing, is looking ever more like abuse.

I agree. My friend does have her own income and could afford to leave, she'd just be in 'terribly reduced circumstances', basically having enough to pay her basic living costs, but that would be all. No travel, no 'splurges', no security of knowing you'd be OK in the event of an unforeseen expense, scrimping for gifts for holidays.

She's decided it's worth staying for the benefits of their combined income. Luckily he's not abusive or mean with money. He's just a drunk and no type of a companion or partner.

If her husband was abusive in any way, she'd definitely leave. OP's husband appears to be financially abusive. If she decides to stay for financial reasons, she's going to be dealing with much more difficulty and frustration than my friend is.

@yellowflora i agree other posters.
Your last post is screaming abuse to me. Not just ‘we’re not getting on’.

This makes things much much more complicated.

Do you have family in the U.K. that could help you?

@AcrossthePond55

Your update makes it worse! What an awful life just for the sake of being a bit better off financially. I expect she's hoping he'll die soon and leave everything to her!

It is really unfair to stay for the sake of the kids. It is such a pressure to put on them and when they find out they will feel terrible. Make your own money, sort out your own future. Don't use your kids.

I wish people would stop saying life is too short for whatever. It is too long to be stuck in an unhappy and abusive situation.

The problem is that it might not just be ‘a little bit better financially’.
It might well be the difference between living in poverty (or under the poverty line - think food banks etc…) and being confortable enough.
When you also know your dcs will have to live through it, it makes you think twice. Which is fair enough.

However, I dint think’ that’s the OP’s situation here.
This man is financially and emotionally abusive (he is basically stonewalling her and giving her the silent treatment).
And theyre living abroad.
The combination of the two is shit tbh.

@LionME

If the children are young, totally get this but I was responding to someone who has a friend with grown children. I don't think the concern in that case is the difference between using food banks or not. (Which would be a reasonable reason).

Anyway, not to derail OP's thread who again is in totally different circumstances.

No Id rather live on grit and dust. I left my ex driving back from Germany with DS. I couldn't stand another second.
It would have shrivelled my soul.

Crikey OP. I have just done this,in your exact position. You and DCs would need to be resident in the UK for 2 years I think, to get divorced there. They (and you) are habitually resident in another country.

I just got out (EX had made sure it was made as hard as possible.)

What country are you in? It takes years to get divorced and has nothing to do with where you got married.

So, start the process ASAP

I got out of the marriage! Not the country. Obvs. I cant.

It turned out EXh had changed our marriage contract as soon as he got on home turf.

He tried to destroy me. I had no money with him so now I have a tiny bit more without him.
I am SO glad I did it.

Private British Schools are terrible and not at all the same as UK. Very modest fees indeed and unqualified teachers.

You almost certainly will not be able to leave the country (it would be a seriously bad move and could result in you hardly seeing your DCs again) BUT, in many countries STBX has to support DCS until 24 (not 18). Usually small spousal too after 14 years of marriage: for 3 years.

It really does depend on where you are. I could give you very to the minute advice if you are in Continental Europe.

@yellowflora Your children are about 11 and 13, correct? To avoid disrupting their education and the custody difficulties if you return with them to the UK, would it make sense to make yourself a five to six year exit plan so that you can more easily return to the UK when they're both over 18?

You're only 39- in that time period, you could retrain for a new career or refresh your qualifications and ease yourself back into the workforce. Remember, even a small income would help you start saving and planning. Also, if your children decide to go to university, they may go to a British one and that will make it easier too.

No. As, he may be plannning to divorce her as soon as they are both 18.
What would she do?

She needs to move now. I was in exactly this position. It is what was planned for me.

(Obviously maybe not in OPs case, of course)