It's my wedding soon and I'm scared FIL and his GF will ruin it.

[Alexa808]

I'm getting married in 2 weeks and I'm so looking forward to it. It's a simple registry ceremony at a wonderful colonial restaurant in Singapore, away from all the stress in the UK and with my parents as witnesses. Everything has been planned and 4 of my closest friends will attend. Other than that we thought no one else could come -it's a long distance and expensive.

Anyhoo, now I've found out my dps father and his girlfriend of 12 years will attend. I'm torn between feeling happy for my dp and at the same time dreading to see them as they've been rude and unwelcoming.

Story is: My dp was married before. It all fell apart years ago. He got on with life and a while later we met.

His father was cold towards me when I first met him, he's 66 now and claims 'old age' isn't allowing him to move on so quickly to accept the new partner (moi) in his son's life. Two years down the line he's nice and at times lovely when alone but whenever his GF is with him he is very distant and coldish towards me and at times his son. There have been various snubs, incidences, insults, etc. where he showed zero support for my dp and has downright ignored him in favour of his 2 younger brothers. (At a Christmas speech congratulating both younger boys on how well their jobs are going and not mentioning my dp in a single word despite him doing equally well and actually getting a promotion. The other time he wished the 2 younger ones and their partners good health and a lovely future and not mentioning my dp or me at all, instead picking on my poor 69 year old Mum saying: I don't know your past so I can't say anything about your future.) WTF?

His girlfriend has been smiling at me through gritted teeth and always been outwardly polite but constantly backstabbing and riling others against my dp. It came to the point that my dp's ex-wife told her to get lost and leave her alone because she didn't want to be part of that toxic family anymore. (Wish I were in her position to outright say that...[sigh with jealousy])
She hates my background, she dislikes my private education (everyone that got it is a toff), she dumbs down my job (until 8 weeks ago I was a trader in the City), she called me a Paki (my father is Pakistani/Persian), now that I'm pregnant she made comments such as: no more size 6's for you, eh? you're quite big for your stage? when I was pregnant, I did/ate/drank/worked/...blah.
he always finds fault and I start to resent her.

Please bear with me, I know it's long.

So they're coming to the solemnization ceremony and staying for a total of 1 week. Luckily in a hotel, not with us. The father wants to apologize for the last snub but I'm not in a forgiving mood. If he opens his mouth at the wrong time or his GF makes any grunting noises I'm minded to ask them to leave. I'm so angry at them misbehaving all the while, not being able to just be polite for one day. I'm scared they'll ruin the best day of my life. What can I do? Any advice from anyone please? I'm at a loss...

Oh Alexa
First, I'm so sorry we haven't managed to meet up yet. We must. Slim had her baby a week ago, so it's been difficult to get together.
More importantly, I'm so sorry about this situation. I didn't realise you were getting married so soon, so congrats!
I've really got little useful advice. DH's step mil is very much like this and hence his dad can be q scating too, in her presence. I guess if they've travelled this far they must think a lot of you/dh - more than you realise that is. Surely they are not going to travel this far and at such expense just to ruin your day. You need to try and rise above it. Show them how happy you and dh are together and hoe happy he is with YOU. They will ruin your day if you worry about it the whole time though. You have your parents there to support you. Do they know how you feel? Does dh?

Maybe you could go OTT and show how ecstatic you are at their presence ! Bluff them. They could be shocked into feeling guilty at all they have done to you when you are SOOO lovely and inviting.

xxTake care

Hello good morning you, how's tricks? Are you well? And the kids? I'm free all Wednesday! Yay!

I heard about slim, she sent an email. Have to think of something creative for her... I'm glad it all went so well. Lucky girls :-)

We just filed and got it together, purposely doing it here so it can be a small intimate weddings (having had 2 cousins marry 400 ++ didn't encourage me to follow in their footsteps).

Yes, my parents and my dp know how I feel. I'm somehow glad his Dad and he Gf are making the effort to come, because an effort it is. Maybe I'm just going bananas and the pregnancy hormones are playing up. I'm just worried about FIl having 2 bottles of Chambertin and doing an improvised speech no one wants to hear.

Actually thought of having a good glass of champers and then imagining they've been nothing but lovely. Would probably need more than one glass though

Califrau, what a story! Yes, I reckon we need someone to shoot him a warning glance and shut him up if necessary. Unfortunately the only one who can do this is my dp, his son.

There is no one to look after the GF. She's always spiteful and quips (not really asked to say anything and never addressing anyone specifically but always mumbling and snide remarks, YKWIM).

I do not want my dp to be tense all through the day, yet there's no one else to keep FIL in check.

Dp has just suggested we meet them on the night they land so we can all sit together and 'talk'. AIBU to not want to make a pleasant convo with the person that refers to me as 'this girl' and by my mixed race origins??

I so want to be nice and makes this day pleasant for the small gathering of people (10) at the ceremony and lunch but it riles me that the very person who seems to have a problem with me and stirs everyone up will be sitting there stuffing her face with cake and dripping with her usual sneaky venom.

God they sound awful, I'm not surprised you're worried about them coming. Mo advice but I hope it all goes well for you - what is your DP suggesting regards the 'talk'?

No advice, I mean!

I know. They're PILFH Parents-in-law-from-hell [doesn't know if to laugh or start crying]

Dp suggested we listen to what they have to say and if they apologize for the last remark about not mentioning us at all and making my Mum feel like sh*t, then we ought to accept this and move on and hope for the best.

Thing is, whenever the FIL has started to apologize, his GF says: Yes, but you ought to understand our point of view...blah... or: But surely you understand how we feel about xyz or: It was a very difficult time/day/hour (insert whatever suits)...

There has never been an apology for her name calling of me or the racist and unfair remarks. When the housing market came down she discussed it with another member of the family that then asked for my opinion and I said we're seeing a correction in an over-inflated market the GF spit: Oh well, as long as you bunch are making money out of it... I have tried everything with the woman, I've been quiet and nice, not said much, only to hear her ask me how come I never talk despite allegedly being fluent in 5 languages and she'd be happy if my English was good enough . She also makes jokes about university education, etc. I think no one likes to be attacked for their choices in life so I'm getting to the point where I'm fed up having to accomodate someone who is so angry at me and I cannot appease her.

That said, it's not like she's pining for my dp's ex who was the absolute opposite from me, very family oriented, excellent cook, etc. and she was called vacuous, a slob, useless, fat, grubby, etc. by the FIL's GF. We all had to listen to this and I don't even want to know what else she says about me behind my back.

Can your DP talk to his FIL alone the night before the wedding (without you or GF) and point out that a) he's happy they've come to watch you get married but b) if there are any nasty remarks they will be asked to leave? Harsh but poss necessary...

and I feel for you, we had some 'problem' relatives at our wedding, but ratehr more people so they were sectioned off and we didn;t need to listen to them (thank God).

Message withdrawn

I agree with all of that - it's your and DP's wedding after all. You really shouldn't have to spend it worrying about these poisonous people spoiling it for you.

They sound hideous, why the hell have they decided to come? Do they know where you are having the ceremony? If not, you could give them the location only on a promise of good behaviour...

Otherwise I agree, dh needs to have a stern chat with them about their performance on the day. "This is our wedding day, it will be a very precious memory for us, so we don't want any arguments or critical remarks. If you don't feel you can manage that, then I'm afraid you won't be welcome." And if they kick up a fuss, don't let them in!

I think dh should have this conversation earlier than the night before - he doesn't want to be tense or wound up on the eve of your day.

Are you sure none of your ten guests could keep an eye out for them? That would be very helpful...

i know it is very difficult for you but if you ignore the gf and her VERY rude manners you will find that anyone with an ounce of intelligence will work out that she is a jealous poisonous stupid racist bitch within a few minutes of talking to her

i have very similar problems with my fils gf, i used to be in agony whenever she had to mix with our friends/family for fear of waht she might say, several years down the line, she is either ignored/not invited or treated with the contempt she so truly deserves (we also have a bloody good laugh at her expense, some of the things she comes out with are SO rude they are actually quite funny)

Message withdrawn

Gosh, I would not want them to come. Set some very strict groundrules and have them ejected at first snub. Send them to an alternative venue? Only allow the FIL perhaps, citing 'keeping the numbers down/ close family only'?

Went to a friends' wedding with vaguely similar circumstances last year. The couple - MIL and her partner - were apparently very well behaved and kept themselves to themselves, so much so that I couldn't even remember seeing them there. They may surprise you!?

Good luck and I'm sure you will have a perfect day!

Effie, you've just opened up a possibility here...I had actually not thought about a man on man talk...

Chequers, thank you so much for the compliment. [holds it to chest and looks at it in moments of need]

Have a massive headache and just found out that 2 of my jeans don't fit no matter how I wriggle and jump...and it's not around the waist (what's that?) but on the legs. They are maternity ones

Edam, you know what? I have a sneaking suspicion FIL wants to come for his son but GF wants to come to make a point of attending but somehow leaving her mark (skid mark that is] She wants to come to eff around and give her 2 penneth of comments. I can hear her in her highest pitched octave voice no continental woman could ever speak in: 'Peonies, oh you should have said something we would have helped you pay for some proper roses' 'A cocktail dress? No hats? In my days...blah'. 'You had 2 glasses of wine already dear, the baby...blah' and the most lethal: 'Well at dp and ex-wife's wedding we did/saw/felt...oh how lovely it was'

Honestly, nothing against the ex wife, the poor woman was being bullied by the GF and couldn't stand her, but this is my wedding with dp and I don't want the first wedding brought up. In fact I want the GF to sit there and say zip, nada, but smile sweetly and preferably not in my direction at all.

Jesus, the good thing is, I've got my Dad seated next to me who's very short-fused when it comes to racist remarks. The only bolshy person in my circle of friends is my friend G. who (if briefed) will pull her aside. I think I need to organise a BBQ next WE to get the friends together and mention the situation and ask them to please be aware and stop the bollocks before it escalates with a firm: I don't think this is the right time to say xyz.

That's exactly how I feel chequers, she wants to pick holes. Lord knows what possesses her to behave in such a nasty way.

Just had a vision of telling them since it's such a small affair it'll be a fancy dress party themed Jungle Nights...

Honestly, I think I would go down the man-to-man-talk route and make it clear that while FIL is welcome as long as he behaves himself, his racist and abusive partner is not. The potential ructions it might cause in the family are as nothing compared to the extraordinarily unpleasant treatment she's already dished out to you, IMO.

The wedding is YOUR day, for you and DP to celebrate among friends and loved ones, and it sounds like this woman is incapable of positive emotion so do not tolerate her there.

I hope you get it sorted and have a perfect day

i have actually said to her in the past, 'well, i'm sure everything was done differantly in your day, but that was SOOO many years ago things have moven on a-pace' i smiled sweetly and moved away

also when she was giving it the big one about my vintage clad 16yodd, 'you really must buy a few fashion magazines, they would give you several ideas for taking your wardrobe out of the 1980s' (she was rendered speechless, ha ha)

Jesus, hehehehe...I'll borrow that line from you! Excellent.

Will speak to dp tonight.

The racist remarks were done behind my back and I had no idea about it, only just emerged. I have no problem with my dark eyes and foreign passport but it astounds me how quickly she zoomed in one the fact that I am 'one of those immigrants that take people's jobs and don't pay taxes and just get filthy rich'. Man, I could tell you stories about the woman.

Let's not even go there but most of her remarks are delivered behind our backs. No doubt she'll be at the ceremony just to gash us off the minute she touches back down in Spain (she's English but lives down there).

Really feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Don't want to be banning her from attending but a strict warning two days before the event and minimal comms during it might help. It won't stop the bitching but I guess what I don't know doesn't upset me.

Oh dear. It sounds as though she's jealous of your looks, intelligence, education, pregnancy, and probably your marital status too!

Rise above it, Alexa; you've offered great, level-headed advice on these boards many a time, and you're getting some good tips here on how to keep the pair of them at bay whilst retaining the upper hand. I don't think I'd not invite them, but having a selection of retorts handy for any of her usual snide remarks might help. Coach your friends!

you mustn't let this spoil your day, even by you feeling angry about this, Their behaviour is inferior. If they start any nonsense ignore them, or say to them, "why be so unpleasant/inferior?"

i find i can laugh at most of her coments now, a fwe have been classic lines really

once, when getting into my new jaguar she said 'oh, it's very nice for one of the lower end marks is'nt it'

when she first saw our then house (18th century country house) she said 'oh, yes its very nice but why would anyone buy a house with a cellar?'

i just assume she is a bit thick now.

Tell her how much the Spanish hate immigrants! She sounds like a prize bitch. It must be very hard to resist the temptation to give her as good as you get. Breathe deeply, and relaaax!

Really feel for you. I have a similar toxic father in law and his wife and we also had a very small wedding (hence toxic guests stand out even more).

You sound like you have been more than reasonable and supportive of your DP's relationship with his Dad. And it must be so hard because you don't want to cause a rift by not having them at your wedding that could last forever.

But I do feel on your wedding day, enough is enough. This is your and your dp's day and you should be able to enjoy it without stress and worrying.

Can you dp have an honest chat with your Dad, explain the hurt that has been caused and lay down some rules for the wedding. If the dad and his gf can't keep to them, which surely are not more than basic good manners, then they shouldn't come.

Sorry if that sounds blunt, but I really feel you are being put in an unfair position here. Hope you can resolve it.