It's my wedding soon and I'm scared FIL and his GF will ruin it.

[Alexa808]

I'm getting married in 2 weeks and I'm so looking forward to it. It's a simple registry ceremony at a wonderful colonial restaurant in Singapore, away from all the stress in the UK and with my parents as witnesses. Everything has been planned and 4 of my closest friends will attend. Other than that we thought no one else could come -it's a long distance and expensive.

Anyhoo, now I've found out my dps father and his girlfriend of 12 years will attend. I'm torn between feeling happy for my dp and at the same time dreading to see them as they've been rude and unwelcoming.

Story is: My dp was married before. It all fell apart years ago. He got on with life and a while later we met.

His father was cold towards me when I first met him, he's 66 now and claims 'old age' isn't allowing him to move on so quickly to accept the new partner (moi) in his son's life. Two years down the line he's nice and at times lovely when alone but whenever his GF is with him he is very distant and coldish towards me and at times his son. There have been various snubs, incidences, insults, etc. where he showed zero support for my dp and has downright ignored him in favour of his 2 younger brothers. (At a Christmas speech congratulating both younger boys on how well their jobs are going and not mentioning my dp in a single word despite him doing equally well and actually getting a promotion. The other time he wished the 2 younger ones and their partners good health and a lovely future and not mentioning my dp or me at all, instead picking on my poor 69 year old Mum saying: I don't know your past so I can't say anything about your future.) WTF?

His girlfriend has been smiling at me through gritted teeth and always been outwardly polite but constantly backstabbing and riling others against my dp. It came to the point that my dp's ex-wife told her to get lost and leave her alone because she didn't want to be part of that toxic family anymore. (Wish I were in her position to outright say that...[sigh with jealousy])
She hates my background, she dislikes my private education (everyone that got it is a toff), she dumbs down my job (until 8 weeks ago I was a trader in the City), she called me a Paki (my father is Pakistani/Persian), now that I'm pregnant she made comments such as: no more size 6's for you, eh? you're quite big for your stage? when I was pregnant, I did/ate/drank/worked/...blah.
he always finds fault and I start to resent her.

Please bear with me, I know it's long.

So they're coming to the solemnization ceremony and staying for a total of 1 week. Luckily in a hotel, not with us. The father wants to apologize for the last snub but I'm not in a forgiving mood. If he opens his mouth at the wrong time or his GF makes any grunting noises I'm minded to ask them to leave. I'm so angry at them misbehaving all the while, not being able to just be polite for one day. I'm scared they'll ruin the best day of my life. What can I do? Any advice from anyone please? I'm at a loss...

Thanks to all of your really good suggestions!! How great is MN Really need a pat on the back or two at the moment.

You know what, frisbyrat? I think re marital status you have touched a very sensitive spot of hers. She doesn't want to get married to my FIL because if she did she'd lose the inheritance of her late partner for whom she abandoned her pre-teen kids and ex husband. So much for higher moral ground...

Jesus, don't know what to say about your MIL, I guess at some point it all becomes a farce and you just laugh in a slightly insane way to cope with it.

Loop, you're right, as it's such a small gathering misbehaving guests and rude comments do stand out. Any other day I couldn't care less about their antics but this is my wedding day and though I'm not expecting perfection I'd like to keep fond memories and have warm feelings about it when I reminisce with my lovely dp. I'm so excited, I just don't want it spoiled.

She's an ex-pat in Spain, and she talks about lousy immigrants? Hahahahahaha!

i think you should invite her, but have a person "marking" her, as suggested above, and if/when the evil old sow saya anything, have her removed - as discreetly as poss (but in full view, if you get what i mean) of the other guests
no shouting or anything, just escorted quietly off the premises
it will harly add to you day, but i think this is the best way of dealing with it, as it'll show her up no end, but won't upset anyone - unlike her vile comments

Hi,

Have not read the whole thread, but Egypt told me about it and just wanted to give you a biiiiiiiiiiiiiig {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Will read through and call you tomorrow. Shattered. Must sleep now before the little vampire wakes up again......and again......and again....etc...................

XXX

Yes Annie, can you believe it? A real charmer.

Will speak to dp now and use all your great suggestions.

Am determined to get this sorted!

Oh hello Slim, good to see you here. Did you get my email. Congratulations!!! So great to hear you and little Miss Sunshine are well and at home already!!

Ach ja, just rambling on here. Am anticipating my wedding but my dp's father is coming and as much as I want my dp to have family support him, that man has been difficult...partly egged on by his GF who I cannot describe in polite words.

Sleep well, x

And tell your DP to tell them that an apology for the 'Paki' referral needs to be included and that any further racist references will esult in excommunication.

These people will be grandparents to your child - you don't want that sort of stuff bandied about.

i agree - she does sound jealous and insecure.

hi again alexa. if you want to meet up tomorrow morning i'm free. think slim is too. email me x

we can think of a plan [laughs like an evil cartoon baddie]

Yes, egypt, will do.

[Rubs hands together and fletches her teeth in a baboon style way]

spike her drinks the night before so she has the mother of all hangovers on wedding day and hopefully too sick to show her pretentious face

lol slim

Slim, you know what? This has sparked an excellent idea. You're a star! I might actually resort to it. I'll try to find a laxative which will work it's magic a bit more delayed. Will do nifty research on the net. She'll be tied up in the bathroom and blame it on the 'nasty local food' that she's already anticipating and might leave me well and truly alone.

fnar fnar. you'd better delete this thread as evidence then!

I don't really have any suggestions about what you should do as only you know what DP really wants, and having his father there is about him really.

However, telling you about my lovely set of toxic parents and my wedding might give you a laugh / some encouragement!

DH and I got married while still at uni - he was 22, I was 21 and his mother was not happy about it. I was not speaking to my mother (and haven't been since) for various reasons - she's the real toxic parent. However I thought my father wouldn't come if I didn't let her so I invited all of the parents and in-laws. DH's mother refused to come until about 2 days before the wedding, but finally "relented".

The day came and I was really excited. Got to the register office, did our thing (we'd decided to walk down the isle together as I didn't feel I was someone else's property to "give away") after telling my father to f**k off and get that camera out of my face - DH and I were having a nice moment, and DH was crying he was so happy to be marrying me, which set me off! (DH is not a crier!). TBH I didn't really care who else was there as I only had eyes for DH. Ceremony was ridiculously short, and we adjourn to the outside of the place for photos.

While outside, my mother throws dried rice so hard at MIL that she shrieks, and we decide to adjourn to the pub to wait for the restaurant to be ready for the small family meal. I down a stiff gin in no time, then my grandma takes me aside and basically has a go about me not talking to my mother and more gin follows.

In the restaurant over lunch we'd decided to seat people where we wanted them, and had had to separate my parents from my MIL and MIL from FIL who'd been divorced for years and didn't speak. My mother decided to sit there and cry because she hadn't been seated at the table with us (MIL had because we had nowhere else to put her so sat her with SIL)

Basically, I sat there and ignored all the relatives I didn't want to speak to and tried to enjoy my wedding day - which, with plenty of booze, I did!

Generally, I look back on it all and wish that I just hadn't bothered. I liked having my friends there to see our happiness, but really could have done without the family. At 21 though, I didn't have the confidence to say no to them - I thought I would regret it (7 years of not speaking to my parents has shown me I would have been better off)

We seriously considered eloping - doing Las Vegas or something, and I wish we had (although it would have cost us more in the end as we had a nice frugal wedding and saved our money for a house deposit!) I've always said being married is better than getting married!

Good luck for it all, and I hope it goes better than mine!

ChairmumMiaow, thanks for sharing your story, it did make me laugh.

[comes back from cold storage heaving a bag of rice grains and practises aiming at unwanted faces]