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Original poster

Is there a future for us? After 8 years overseas DH wants to go home but DC and I don’t!

30 replies

TheDancingHorses · 05/03/2025 22:00

DH and I have been together 15 years. I have 2 DC (22 and 20) from a previous relationship and we have DD(11) together.

Our first year together was the best and we really clicked. Unfortunately, DH’s sister took against me and turned his parents against me, and slagged me and my DS off to mutual friends (our DSs were in the same class as school). DH did very little to stick up for me and made excuses for her behaviour (“it’s just how she is” etc) and constantly put her feelings first - eg refused to get married unless she was invited, inviting her round after I got home with newborn DD as she’d be upset if she didn’t come straight over despite me having high blood pressure and only being allowed home under strict instructions to avoid stress. I could go on…

DH’s lack of support badly impacted our relationship and I’ve had counselling and been on antidepressants on and off for years. My family lived overseas (sister, Bil, their children and my DM) so I started thinking life would be better if we lived nearer to them and had a fresh start away from his sister. I genuinely believe I would’ve left him if we’d stayed living nearer her.

DH wasn’t keen but came round and agreed to give it a go. We emigrated 8 years ago and the first few years were great. We bought a house and our DC have all settled and thrived here.

But, about four years ago DH told me he hated living away from his home as “he’d had to leave behind everything he ever loved” and he’d only moved because I’d forced him to do so. This is despite me saying time and time again that we would not move unless he was totally onboard.

We talked about going back and I said I’d go if it was what he needed to do to be happy. He said that we’d stick it out a bit longer and then decide so we agreed to give it another few years and talk again.

But, the issue just never goes away. DH doesn’t miss a chance to tell me how much he wants to move. Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago - my eldest gave birth to our first DGC at the end of jan and had an awful time with her (now ex) DP who kicked her out a week before DGC was born and has has no contact with DGC since she was 2 days old. DD has naturally been distraught and it’s been exhausting helping her look after a newborn and support her emotionally. I was talking to DH about it and his first comment was about how she should get the father to sign his rights to DGC away so we could all move back home. His utter selfishness of bringing this up at a really difficult time feels like the final straw.

I am struggling to feel positive about our relationship and to see a future together. I feel like being with me is never going to make him happy. He’ll only be happy if we move but I don’t want to have to give up my life here to live back home and potentially leave my two adult children and DGC behind.

Thank you so much if you’ve made it through what I’ve written. Any thoughts would be really appreciated - newborn sleep deprivation is making it hard to think clearly at the moment.

OP posts:
Snoopdoggydog123 · 05/03/2025 22:07

Don't move.
He has shown you he won't support you or protect you.
How are you financially?

Acinonyx2 · 05/03/2025 22:07

So, if I understand this, you persuaded your dh to emigrate to get away from his sister. Now he is missing his family and native country. his POV does not seem so unreasonable.

GoldDuster · 05/03/2025 22:09

This sounds like it's been a mixed bag of nuts since before you got married, I'd be tempted to tell him he's got two choices. He can go home and you'll be staying put, or he can stick it out but the daily moaning and resentment has to stop. You'll review it again after an agreed period, but the DGC is going to make it really unlikely I'd have thought?

Theresacatinmykitchenwhatamigonnado · 05/03/2025 22:10

It's a bit of a tale of two halves. You married a man whose family you disliked, don't think he's been a great husband and feel generally unsupported by him. On the other hand, he's moved abroad because you wanted him to, taken in your Dc and dgc and spent 8 years somewhere he doesn't want to be.
Unless there's a drip feed coming, I really don't think you hating his sister is sufficient need for all your angst and I really don't think the bloke has done anything that bad. It reads more like you have been given everything you've asked for and aren't prepared to compromise now. I don't know what the answer is, but I don't think he's the bad guy you are making him out to be.

HundredMilesAnHour · 05/03/2025 22:13

To be honest, you probably should have walked away in those early years when he let his family treat you badly and didn’t support you. But easy to say with the benefit of hindsight and no feelings clouding judgement.

If you moved back to his home country, I assume that you’d be near his family again. So what will have changed? Assume they’ll still be awful to you and he won’t support you? But now you’ll also be away from your DGC etc. It sounds like you have everything to lose and nothing to gain apart from a happy DH. But is he worth it? It sounds like he’s not a great husband even when he’s happy so maybe he’s no great loss and this is a sign that things have finally run their course.

autisticbookworm · 05/03/2025 22:17

Tell him to go back if he wants he doesn't need your permission

JustWalkingTheDogs · 05/03/2025 22:18

I'd not move back, he's proved to you that he won't put you first, he won't protect you against his family. You can bet if you moved back his family would ramp up the abuse and you'd be back to square one, away from your family and your dh not putting you first or having your back.

If he wants to move back, let him. Doesn't mean you have to follow him

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 05/03/2025 22:36

Presumably he wants to move back near his family? That same family that dislikes you for whatever reason? That same family that your not so 'D' H failed to support you about?
Yeah, no, fuck that. Lay it on the line for him, tell him that you would have left him had you stayed and that now this is no different.
He is free to move if he wants but in your shoes I'd be going nowhere.
He is weak, he didn't support you before and he won't support you now-he's showing you this with his pathetic pissing and whinging. Yuck.

WonderingAboutThus · 05/03/2025 22:49

I would not move back but I also don't think he's done anything wrong and you sound rather more uncharitable than him.

MJBear · 05/03/2025 23:10

GoldDuster · 05/03/2025 22:09

This sounds like it's been a mixed bag of nuts since before you got married, I'd be tempted to tell him he's got two choices. He can go home and you'll be staying put, or he can stick it out but the daily moaning and resentment has to stop. You'll review it again after an agreed period, but the DGC is going to make it really unlikely I'd have thought?

This

Msmoonpie · 05/03/2025 23:16

You should have walked away years ago. Staying and dragging on this dead duck of a relationship has made things more difficult in the long run.

Tell him to go if he wants to. Either way you should probably end the marriage.

unsync · 05/03/2025 23:18

I wouldn't go back, but I wouldn't stop him from going. It sounds like you'd both be happier.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/03/2025 23:19

Well, he doesn't need your permission to go back. He has to realise that he'd be going back alone, though.

Would you be OK financially and in terms of housing if he left?

MeganM3 · 05/03/2025 23:21

Sounds like he wants to end the relationship tbh. I'd let him, he leaves and you stay.

somethingbeginningwithb · 05/03/2025 23:24

I think it's time to let him go and focus on being the best mum and grandma you can, where you're dearly needed.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/03/2025 23:27

You don’t like him, and you hate his sister.

Let him go home.

Icebreakhell · 05/03/2025 23:28

You’ll both be a lot happier if he leaves and you stay. That relationship is dead in the water.

Longwaysouth · 05/03/2025 23:31

You refer to the new baby as our DGC therefore one assumes he took on your DC 15 years ago.
Where do you live now?
Is he just homesick in general our are there reasons he dislikes the country you are living in?

OfficerChurlish · 05/03/2025 23:32

Are each of the four adults able, legally and financially, to stay in the current country (B) or go back to the original country (A)? If so, I'd first make a list on your own of pros and cons of moving to A and of staying in B, taking heavily into consideration what is best for the 11yo. (Also consider the older children, if what you do determines what they will have to do). And consider whether you would want to go back IF you were not staying in the marriage. Then sit down with him, armed with your own conclusions, and do a pro and con of the whole family going vs staying. Ultimately the two of you may make separate decisions -and the older children may also make their own - but think it through thoroughly before you decide.

SummerInSun · 05/03/2025 23:32

Remember that the family courts will not allow one parent to move a child from the country the child is resident in to another country (even if the child wants to go) without the other parent's consent. So right now, your DH can't move back with your joint DD. BUT if you and your joint DD move back with him to give it a go and then hate it, you will not be able to extract your DD and take her away from her father to another country unless he agrees. Personally, given the state your marriage sounds like it's in, I wouldn't risk it.

ItShouldntHappenToMeYet · 06/03/2025 05:49

You have a perfect excuse not to go back (you dgc and the shit-storm it's been born into)
You dh is unhappy where you are. You were unhappy where his sister is.
Time to call it a day.

Spirallingdownwards · 06/03/2025 05:57

Acinonyx2 · 05/03/2025 22:07

So, if I understand this, you persuaded your dh to emigrate to get away from his sister. Now he is missing his family and native country. his POV does not seem so unreasonable.

He chose his wife and marriage - which would be the normal response.

As it is he now doesn't. Let him go back tk his sister if that is what he wants but you and the kids stay put. Get legal advice as to how you stand financially and get your ducks in a row. Then take it in your own hands and throw him out.

Spirallingdownwards · 06/03/2025 05:58

Theresacatinmykitchenwhatamigonnado · 05/03/2025 22:10

It's a bit of a tale of two halves. You married a man whose family you disliked, don't think he's been a great husband and feel generally unsupported by him. On the other hand, he's moved abroad because you wanted him to, taken in your Dc and dgc and spent 8 years somewhere he doesn't want to be.
Unless there's a drip feed coming, I really don't think you hating his sister is sufficient need for all your angst and I really don't think the bloke has done anything that bad. It reads more like you have been given everything you've asked for and aren't prepared to compromise now. I don't know what the answer is, but I don't think he's the bad guy you are making him out to be.

Are you his sister?

Candledrip · 06/03/2025 06:01

I wouldn’t move back in your situation but I also don’t think he’s being unreasonable wanting to move. The two of you just don’t sound compatible

F1rugby23 · 06/03/2025 06:17

I think it's too late to return and would be unfair on your adult children who have made their lives there. Your husband needs to decide if he wants to stay or leaves alone.