Is there a future for us? After 8 years overseas DH wants to go home but DC and I don’t!

[TheDancingHorses]

DH and I have been together 15 years. I have 2 DC (22 and 20) from a previous relationship and we have DD(11) together.

Our first year together was the best and we really clicked. Unfortunately, DH’s sister took against me and turned his parents against me, and slagged me and my DS off to mutual friends (our DSs were in the same class as school). DH did very little to stick up for me and made excuses for her behaviour (“it’s just how she is” etc) and constantly put her feelings first - eg refused to get married unless she was invited, inviting her round after I got home with newborn DD as she’d be upset if she didn’t come straight over despite me having high blood pressure and only being allowed home under strict instructions to avoid stress. I could go on…

DH’s lack of support badly impacted our relationship and I’ve had counselling and been on antidepressants on and off for years. My family lived overseas (sister, Bil, their children and my DM) so I started thinking life would be better if we lived nearer to them and had a fresh start away from his sister. I genuinely believe I would’ve left him if we’d stayed living nearer her.

DH wasn’t keen but came round and agreed to give it a go. We emigrated 8 years ago and the first few years were great. We bought a house and our DC have all settled and thrived here.

But, about four years ago DH told me he hated living away from his home as “he’d had to leave behind everything he ever loved” and he’d only moved because I’d forced him to do so. This is despite me saying time and time again that we would not move unless he was totally onboard.

We talked about going back and I said I’d go if it was what he needed to do to be happy. He said that we’d stick it out a bit longer and then decide so we agreed to give it another few years and talk again.

But, the issue just never goes away. DH doesn’t miss a chance to tell me how much he wants to move. Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago - my eldest gave birth to our first DGC at the end of jan and had an awful time with her (now ex) DP who kicked her out a week before DGC was born and has has no contact with DGC since she was 2 days old. DD has naturally been distraught and it’s been exhausting helping her look after a newborn and support her emotionally. I was talking to DH about it and his first comment was about how she should get the father to sign his rights to DGC away so we could all move back home. His utter selfishness of bringing this up at a really difficult time feels like the final straw.

I am struggling to feel positive about our relationship and to see a future together. I feel like being with me is never going to make him happy. He’ll only be happy if we move but I don’t want to have to give up my life here to live back home and potentially leave my two adult children and DGC behind.

Thank you so much if you’ve made it through what I’ve written. Any thoughts would be really appreciated - newborn sleep deprivation is making it hard to think clearly at the moment.

How is this helpful or useful?

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and comment. Sorry for not responding earlier, things get a bit hectic with trying to work, take my 11yo to after school stuff and help with DGC.

To answer a few points that have been made, I have said to DH many time over the last few years that he should go back if it would make him happy. He refuses to go without DD11, or me, so it’s a bit of a stalemate.

I also lost DM last year so have put aside some of my inheritance so that DH will always have funds available to go back home to visit for as long as he wants.

Financially, I could manage although it would be tough. But, I’ve done it before when I split from my first husband so I know I could do it.

Right now, leaving here is not an option as there is now way I can leave DD22 and DGD. I also don’t think I’m in a fit state to make any major life changing decisions while I’m so knackered but you’re responses have really made me think and I will take action when the time is right.

One of the sad things is that I was friends with his sister before DH and I got together, in fact she was the one who introduced us. I made a real effort to get to know his family and things were great until, for reasons I will never know, his sister turned against me. We all lived in the same village so knew the same people and she did a great number on me to the extent that I wouldn’t be invited to things that she was going to, or she’d turn up to places she knew I’d be with a group who’d sit there staring daggers at me. I know I could probably have handled it better and been stronger/tougher but I’d never experienced anything like it and really let it get to me.

You know what love, you're fine where you are - your family is there, including the new and exciting bit of it, and your DH has only really ever had his own back not yours.

Stay put and let him decide what he wants to do...tell him you'll support him (emotionally) whatever he wants to do, but he's not to mess you about.

I think if you read back through your opening post, you have answered your own questions. I don't often think leaving is the answer but both adults in this situation now need to make their own choices.

It seems you have both tried to live in each country, next to each family. It doesn't work whichever country is chosen.

You now have adult children and a grandchild to consider too.

Options left.
Live in a third place? A different country or if in DH’s country somewhere away from his family.
Live separately.

You'd be making a big mistake moving back to make your DH happy.

He's not going to support you and you'll go straight back to square one.

Sounds like you've built a lovely family life where you are. In your shoes I'd stay where you are no way would I move.

I'd also have a stern conversation with him and say you will not be moving back, so he has a choice to make that is his and his alone. If he choses to stay he has to own that choice and commit to moving forward, any moaning and you'll have to go your separate ways regardless of where he choses to live. It's put up or shut up time.