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Original poster

Ex Spouse’s Funeral

30 replies

StrikeAlways · 05/03/2025 18:31

I’m now on the North side of 65 and my ex husband is 69. I’ve found myself wondering recently, if he kicks the bucket before me, do I go to the funeral if I don’t particularly want to. Bear with me . . . . we were together for 29 years, lots of ups and downs (mostly downs) in that time. We parented really well together and there was no abuse, but we were very unsuited to each other. We often loathed each other, but in the later years, we rubbed along okay as friendly house mates. Our break-up was mostly amicable, with the odd bit of dramatic shit from him (he didn’t want the break-up/divorce).

I have been with my current husband for 16 years, married 10 years and are very happy. I don’t know how I will feel if my ex dies before me (we have no contact with each other. It’s possible I might want to go to the funeral. If that’s the case, I’ll go. What I wonder about is if I don’t want to go, do I go for our adult children. Also, I had a good relationship with his siblings and am still friends on Facebook, although we don’t contact each other. I’m wondering what others think about this issue and if you have been faced with this, what did you do?

OP posts:
Chiconbelge · 05/03/2025 18:36

When it happens, you ask your children what they want, and that’s what you do. That’s it!

harriethoyle · 05/03/2025 18:36

I think you have to consider what his immediate family including any partner would want - if you popped off first would your DH want your ex there? Mind wouldn’t and I wouldn’t want his. There’s a hilariously horrifying thread running at the moment where the OP is trying to make her ex’s wife’s death all about her and she’s roundly been told to pipe down. Personally I think a good rule of thumb is don’t go to the funeral of someone you wouldn’t socialise with in life.

Belaymehearties · 05/03/2025 18:37

You could attend virtually? Depends on what your DC would like? Would you want him to come to yours if you died before him?

AnSolas · 05/03/2025 18:42

You turn up if your children want you there.
And stay well in the background

The exception would be if his partner (if he has one) is going to be very upset by you being there.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 05/03/2025 18:45

I wouldn't.

Meadowfinch · 05/03/2025 18:45

When my ex pops off, I will ask my ds if he wants to attend, and if so, does he want me to go with him and provide moral support.

I'll be guided by ds' wishes.

GoldMoon · 05/03/2025 18:45

I wouldn't go to mine , and I'm sure my adult children ( and his relatives ) wouldn't expect to see me there either .

Sassybooklover · 05/03/2025 19:41

My Uncle's ex partner came to his funeral, to support their shared adult son. My Uncle was much older than her, and once their son reached 18, she left him. It was a bitter break-up on his side, and if I'm honest I think he's have hated the fact she was at his funeral!! However, she went for her son's sake. There was no bad feelings with my Uncle's adult children from his first marriage or my Uncle's siblings. I think it's one of those situations where you need to ask your children, what they'd prefer when the time comes. If they'd like you there, then go, if they don't or aren't bothered either way, then don't attend.

Minor1000 · 05/03/2025 19:55

My parents were married for 35 years when my Dad left Mum for OW and married her. When he died Mum said in quite clipped tones that she was very sorry that my father had died but that she wasn’t sorry and wouldn’t be attending the funeral. The OW would have been there anyway.

i would see what your kids and to be fair OH say. If you weren’t on speaking terms, why bother? You might only upset your current OH for a man who didn’t treat you very well.

BornSandyDevotional · 05/03/2025 20:02

I thought he'd died from the opener! If you die first, what would you like? I don't know where you're based but it's been lovely and sunny here for several days. It's inspired me to go out, see friends and come out of hibernation a bit. Focusing on your ex dying as some sort of fantasy probably isn't that healthy?

DarkLion · 05/03/2025 20:04

You might not even have to consider it if he opted for a direct cremation

Original poster
StrikeAlways · 05/03/2025 22:39

Belaymehearties · 05/03/2025 18:37

You could attend virtually? Depends on what your DC would like? Would you want him to come to yours if you died before him?

I wouldn’t care if he came or not really. I think if I asked the kids, they would ask me if I wanted to go. I suppose if I didn’t, I would have to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrikeAlways · 05/03/2025 22:40

DarkLion · 05/03/2025 20:04

You might not even have to consider it if he opted for a direct cremation

I doubt if he would opt for anything. It’s never been his style.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrikeAlways · 05/03/2025 22:42

BornSandyDevotional · 05/03/2025 20:02

I thought he'd died from the opener! If you die first, what would you like? I don't know where you're based but it's been lovely and sunny here for several days. It's inspired me to go out, see friends and come out of hibernation a bit. Focusing on your ex dying as some sort of fantasy probably isn't that healthy?

I hear you, but I’m not focusing on it at all. It’s come up a couple of times with deaths/funerals I’ve heard about and it made me wonder about what would be the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrikeAlways · 05/03/2025 22:45

Minor1000 · 05/03/2025 19:55

My parents were married for 35 years when my Dad left Mum for OW and married her. When he died Mum said in quite clipped tones that she was very sorry that my father had died but that she wasn’t sorry and wouldn’t be attending the funeral. The OW would have been there anyway.

i would see what your kids and to be fair OH say. If you weren’t on speaking terms, why bother? You might only upset your current OH for a man who didn’t treat you very well.

My husband knows he’s the love of my life and is comfortable in that. I’m pretty sure he would just want me to do what I want to do.

It’s not that ex and I aren’t on speaking terms. If we came across each other (e.g. at a family event), I’m sure we’d enjoy a chat. We just don’t go out of our way to see each other.

OP posts:
doodahdayy · 06/03/2025 04:39

BornSandyDevotional · 05/03/2025 20:02

I thought he'd died from the opener! If you die first, what would you like? I don't know where you're based but it's been lovely and sunny here for several days. It's inspired me to go out, see friends and come out of hibernation a bit. Focusing on your ex dying as some sort of fantasy probably isn't that healthy?

Yes such a weird thing to be fixated on. I also thought he'd died from the title!

Zanatdy · 06/03/2025 04:53

If my ex died i’d 100% want to attend his funeral, as although lots of shit happened in our relationship, we started out as friends, and have settled back into being friends again. I genuinely care about him, like as a family member, and am still on very good terms with his family. That said, I couldn’t attend anyway as he will have a muslim funeral, and women don’t attend. I could attend the funeral prayers, but i’d be in the female side of the mosque, like I was for his father’s funeral. I guess i’d do something else to remember him by. I hope he has another 30yrs plus, as I’d feel pretty upset. He is a good support to me still, 15yrs after split, and we co-parent really well, nearly always on the same page.

Original poster
StrikeAlways · 06/03/2025 12:11

doodahdayy · 06/03/2025 04:39

Yes such a weird thing to be fixated on. I also thought he'd died from the title!

Show quote history

I am not fixated on it FFS, see my most recent reply 🙄

OP posts:
romdowa · 06/03/2025 12:17

I want to go to support my children with their loss.

its2025 · 06/03/2025 12:26

I think the first post nails it TBH. See what your kids want when it happens and be led by them. It sounds like you two were reasonably amicable so I think the choice would be yours really depending on how you felt at the time.

I divorced 7 years ago - it was very acrimonious and since things have not improved. It would be weird if I turned up at his funeral and I'm certain I wouldn't be welcome - and actually I wouldn't want to go. I've recently put together a will including some final wishes and I have noted in there that he should not be welcome to my funeral if I die first.

SparklyGlitterballs · 06/03/2025 12:27

You've been apart a long time and you've since remarried. Does your ex have a new spouse or long term partner also? If he's remarried or has been living with someone for many years then I probably wouldn't go, to allow the widow/partner to grieve without me there as a distraction. If he has no significant other when he dies then maybe I'd go, if my DC wanted me there.

AuntieMarys · 06/03/2025 12:33

I think about it.. we divorced acrimoniously 12 years ago. I have recently had to see him and we were civil and polite. I'd be led by my adult child.
I'm having a direct cremation so no one at mine

Original poster
StrikeAlways · 07/03/2025 01:11

AuntieMarys · 06/03/2025 12:33

I think about it.. we divorced acrimoniously 12 years ago. I have recently had to see him and we were civil and polite. I'd be led by my adult child.
I'm having a direct cremation so no one at mine

Thank you. Be careful though, now that you have acknowledged you have also thought about this, you are at risk of a snipey comment or two about being fixated in an unhealthy way 😂🤣

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 07/03/2025 05:47

StrikeAlways · 07/03/2025 01:11

Thank you. Be careful though, now that you have acknowledged you have also thought about this, you are at risk of a snipey comment or two about being fixated in an unhealthy way 😂🤣

Show quote history

😅😅😅

Girlmom35 · 07/03/2025 08:05

I would let your children decide whether you go or not.
I've been to quite a few funerals of people I didn't know very well just to offer emotional support to someone I care about. If anyone important in my childrens lives were to die, I'd want to be there for them at the funeral.

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