Ex Spouse’s Funeral

[StrikeAlways]

I’m now on the North side of 65 and my ex husband is 69. I’ve found myself wondering recently, if he kicks the bucket before me, do I go to the funeral if I don’t particularly want to. Bear with me . . . . we were together for 29 years, lots of ups and downs (mostly downs) in that time. We parented really well together and there was no abuse, but we were very unsuited to each other. We often loathed each other, but in the later years, we rubbed along okay as friendly house mates. Our break-up was mostly amicable, with the odd bit of dramatic shit from him (he didn’t want the break-up/divorce).

I have been with my current husband for 16 years, married 10 years and are very happy. I don’t know how I will feel if my ex dies before me (we have no contact with each other. It’s possible I might want to go to the funeral. If that’s the case, I’ll go. What I wonder about is if I don’t want to go, do I go for our adult children. Also, I had a good relationship with his siblings and am still friends on Facebook, although we don’t contact each other. I’m wondering what others think about this issue and if you have been faced with this, what did you do?

If one of my parents passed hell would freeze over if either of them attended the other funeral. We are adults with our own partners to support us. Maybe if we still young children it would need different considerations.

My Nanna when my Grandad passed, they had been divorced nearly 50 years. He wasn’t a particularly great husband (multiple affairs and children) but he was the love of her life. She obviously didn’t attend the funeral but I phoned her after service to let her know it had gone well and all was ok. (Even though a couple of random women did turn up, I guess his many ex-partners)

I would ask my children what they prefer then his current wife but you stay at the back.

Yeah do as your kids want.

We had this recently in my family.

Dads ex wife, mother to my half siblings, came to the funeral.

It wasn't as weird as it sounds. My half siblings needed her support. They get on great with my mother but it's not the same.

Her husband has always been an areshole though really didn't like my dad always made snide comments apparently (I was a child completely obvious through it all). I found out most of that at the funeral from people asking if we minded they were there. Inappropriate time to gossip but people did it dressed up as concern for my mother.

I don't think anyone in the family much cared. I did feel a bit weird about her being included in the photos we displayed of his life. But when I asked myself why I couldn't justify it and got over it for my half siblings- because it was their younger childhood years with dad that was the memories

This is an interesting question! I think you have to see how you feel at the time and see how your children feel too.

It makes me think what I would do with my exh funeral if he went before me. I think I probably would want to go albeit OW - they arent together but have a DD may be there. But actually, I suspect he wouldn’t bother going to mine….

When exh’s grandfather died many years ago exh’s grandmother saw a woman there she didnt know. It turned out his gf had a another life and another woman he lived with when he went away on business…

Just see what happens when the time comes.

Whenever I find myself thinking about the logistics of something that not only hasn't happened yet, but may never happen (you could die first), I stop myself. There's zero need to decide anything yet and pointless angsting over it. Especially at our age (I'm 60s too) - I don't want to waste time worrying about future events.

My dad's in his 90s and constantly telling me about his thoughts about arrangements for what may happen in his life and I still feel that I don't need to think about it until I know the situation - he may collapse at home one day, spend a couple of years in a care home etc. Who knows, he's fully fit still.