Smoking- Giving an ultimatum or just walk away

[Sundaycoffee]

My boyfriend smoked for years (cigarettes) and had quit before I met him a year ago. Since then he has taken up vaping which I really hate (I know some say it's not as bad) I would never had started dating him had he been a smoker when we met.
I have told him I don't like the vaping and he has told me he will be quitting soon. This was January and still no sign of it slowing down.
I think if I just broke up with him for this out of the blue he would be really surprised as ive only mentioned it in passing a couple of times, but I also don't want to have to keep nagging him or provide an ultimatum. Everything else in the relationship is great and he is a wonderful man but it's making me worry about his health, how long this will go on for and I hate the vapey breath smell!
Do I need to sit down and have a "serious" chat about it?

It's his body, it's up to him what he does.

He's got to want to give up nicotine to succeed. It's one of the most addictive substances.

Otherwise you'll just end up in a situation where he does it secretly and lies about it, and you're going mad over it.

I wouldn't make it an issue between you if you want to stay in the relationship.

Smokers often stop and start. Accept it or break up.

Also, say you do get him to agree to give up to keep you - what happens a year or two down the line when he starts again (as is quite likely) . Say you're married by then , or have a kid on the way - are you then going to be able to hold the line of "you're a smoker so we're through"?! 🤔

It's no good being with someone who would be perfect for you if only they changed something about themselves - you've got to accept them as they are.

Just leave. You will deal with this problem for the rest of your life if you don’t. He will get stressed one day and you will be on here asking about him holding your newborn after smoking or vaping. People will say, well you knew he was a smoker so you have to accept.

No, you shouldn’t have to accept it. Any children you choose to have shouldn’t have to accept it. Just leave.

Honestly, his body, his choice.

Tell him it's a deal breaker for you. Really spell it out. He might decide you're not worth quitting for but at least you'll know.

Ex-h smoked when I met him. I wanted a long relationship with him and children. I bluntly told him that there was no way I would have children with a smoker (newborns suggling into smoked drenched clothes no thanks). And I also said I didn't want to spend my retirement alone as a widow (ok I was slightly dramatic but it was hammered into us kids that SMOKING KILLS) So he gave up. Ten years and two kids later I found that he'd restarted the sneaky cig now and again. I went mad and we nearly divorced over it. He gave up (again) until we finally did divorce 10 years later (unrelated to the smoking)
Since then the (few) relationships/dates I have had have, ironically, been with smokers. And it bothers me a lot less. Mainly because my kids aren't exposed to it, and the two "relationships" I have had, both were intending to give up anyway.
If it's a deal breaker for you tell him. And tbh I don't think it's a "small" thing to break up over. As long as you were clear from the start.

Don't know how it is in the UK, but here on dating sites, it's one of the compulsory questions that you have to answer for your profile so it's clearly a consideration for lots of people.

I'm an ex smoker and currently vape. There's no way I'd date a smoker. I also think it would be bad for me to date a vaper as I want to give up vaping eventually.
I'd walk away now. Even if you tell him how you really feel, and he gives off the right signals, i.e. he'll quit vaping - it's likely he could slip back into it.
If that's your hard line, stick to your guns and break up.

I would stop calling him a smoker for a start - he's not smoking and he's quit which is really really hard to do

He may or may not give up vaping but if you can't deal with it then tell him and end it is the only option

You’ll have to accept that he will quite likely either smoke or vape for the rest of his life. If you force him to stop vaping, he will likely either do it behind your back as it’s so easy to hide, or he’ll think fuck it if I’m not allowed to vape I might as well smoke instead.

Vaping is very different to smokingý- vaping has little impact on other people , your clothes don’t smell. Your breath doesn’t and after a few seconds the smoke you breathe out vaporises and is no longer noticeable in the room or your surroundings.

I used to smoke; I now vape. I vape 0mg nicotine but I vape because I don’t ever want to smoke again, not because I feel as though I have to vape.

would you stop him from drinking? Your answer is almost certainly no, but take this in for a moment…..

as of 2021 ( I can’t find any more recent studies ) there were just under 21,000 alcohol related deaths in the uk.

since 2016, there have been THREE vaping related deaths…..

I'm not saying for one moment vaping is 100% safe but it is infinitely better than smoking and miles better than long term alcohol consumption/abuse.

I know plenty of people who have quit smoking but all of the ones who took up vaping instead have been on a start-stop-start cycle of quitting and taking vaping up again ever since.

I don’t like either and won’t have them around me or in my life. If you can’t tolerate it, I’d end the relationship by explaining that you realise you can’t date someone who vapes. He might quit in order to get you to come back, but I wouldn’t bother with ultimatums. It needs to his choice.

“Do I need to sit down and have a "serious"
chat about it?”

Probably.

Then he’ll get the chance to tell you to butt out and either one or both of you can end the relationship 👍

OP, I sympathise. My FWB smokes and vapes. I hate it. All I ask is he doesn't do it around me, but I'm finding that I can still smell/taste when we kiss if he has smoked earlier even though he has been chewing chewing-gum. It's so strong. As you're in a serious relationship with this guy, I would tell him how you feel.

You can’t demand someone gives up. If you don’t want to be with someone who vapes, then end the relationship.

Walk away without the ultimatum. Don’t try to change him, accept that he isn’t a good bet for the long term

I cannot bear to be around capers. It smells vile.

I think if I just broke up with him for this out of the blue he would be really surprised as ive only mentioned it in passing a couple of times, but I also don't want to have to keep nagging him or provide an ultimatum

How on earth is he going to know what you want if you don't communicate it properly? Telepathy?

It's not nagging or an ultimatum to say that something is a deal-breaker. I've said something similar to DP - he used to smoke maybe twice a year on a night out (I wouldn't have even started dating him if he'd been a full-on smoker). I told him fairly early on that I couldn't kiss anyone with cigarette breath. So... he knows what the consequences would be of smoking any more than he did.

Ahh but buy vape is odourless. There’s no flavour. It’s literally blowing out air.

no nicotine and no taste or smell - not sure what the point of it is really but it stops me from smoking!

You can’t force him to quit because you don’t like it. You shouldn’t have dated him in the first place if you didn’t like smoking.

You accept that you can't control other peoples behaviour and choices, people are generally what they want to do. Just tell him next time you see him that you don't want to be in anything serious with a smoker or a vaper, or an addict of any substance, and so you're going to let him find someone who doesn't feel bothered by it. It doesn't have to be a big heavy shameful chat. Plenty of people are happily partnered with smokers and vapers, you're just not one of them.

Either that, or you decide that he is so wonderful in other aspects, and you're so happy with him otherwise that you can accept that part of him, because nothing and nobody is perfect.

I cannot bear to be around capers.

@Joystir59 ah they're alright in a salsa verde

If he is part of your long term plans then yes you need to tell him what you think. Folks here saying it is his body he can do as he likes are a bit narrow minded. If he is a good guy who has a habit you don't like you need to have a serious chat like you suggest. There may be something you do that he doesn't like, surely you would rather hear it than him dwell on it?

It's not narrow minded - it's up to him what he does to his own body.

If he's addicted to nicotine, it's really hard to give up, even if he wants to. And if it's a habit he enjoys, he may not even want to.

I'm not saying don't talk about it.

But if it's a dealbreaker for her that he vapes or smokes, she needs to ge realistic that him giving up "for her" is very unlikely to stick. And is likely to end up a source of resentment - if he misses it, he'll resent her and if he fails to quit or restarts, it'll cause conflict and she'll resent him.

I would suggest she's better off asking him not to vape around her and to wash his vapey mouth out 😂before kissing her, if it's not a dealbreaker that he does it at all.

But I think making it an ultimatum that he stops altogether is not going to work.

Smoking and vaping disgusts me to the point that I could never be attracted to someone who does it. I'd also never have children with someone who would be exposing them and setting that example to them. So for me it would be a dealbreaker. It just depends if it is for you too.
I don't think trying to force him to quit is the way forward. If you can't tolerate his vaping then end the relationship and find someone who doesn't smoke/vape. If he only quits because he feels you forced him it won't last, and it's time to accept you're just not well matched.

I Disagree about it not affecting other people. Vapes stink and churn out masses of vapour, if you are unfortunate to be behind a vaper in the street you will know it. If anyone vapes indoors it's even worse. Also people can vape for hours if they want to, a cigarette burns down and you have to make a conscious decision to light another.

My mum grew up with a dad who struggled to breathe after surgery for lung cancer - he would snooze on the sofa and regularly stop breathing - she would think he had died, then he would gasp and breathe again. He died young when she was in her late teens. She started smoking around that time (I suspect as a weird way to be close to her dad) - 30 years later she ended up on life support for double pneumonia, the doctors said it hit her so hard despite her young age (40s) because she was a smoker. She gave up for around 10 years but then started vaping 0nicotine stuff and eventually just started smoking again. It’s a slippery slope - a lot of people restart smoking when they vape! She still smokes - it upsets me as I know it will kill her eventually.

My partner was a “social smoker” when we met but it seemed to be increasing rather than decreasing. I told him that I would not tell him what to do but if he ever got ill from smoking I would not care for him and would leave him to die alone - I’d seen what it had done to my family members and wasn’t willing to go through that when it was self inflicted. He stopped but 6 months after he stopped he had a solitary cigarette and I did almost dump him for it as I had lived with my mum starting and stopping and did not want that life - he stopped properly and has never smoked again, hates to be around smoke now too. He has an all or nothing personality so can just stop things completely - my mum and I have more addictive personalities. He did think about cigarettes for about ten years before he started being revulsed by the smell.