Dm & exdh

[Confusedtiedsleepy]

Hi all, hope you're doing well.

I’m reaching out because my ex, with whom I’ve been separated for three years, has recently asked me to close our child maintenance case. Initially, I said no and informed the DM about it. However, for the past month, he’s been pleading with me to close it, claiming he wants 50/50 custody of the children.

At first, that would have scared me, but my youngest is now older and less dependent on me. Also, my ex has finally started taking our child’s milk allergy seriously. When we first separated, he once gave my son ice cream, and my oldest (9) had to stop him, as he was unaware of the allergy. Fortunately, it wasn’t severe—just rashes and stomach aches—but my ex has since made sure to provide dairy-free alternatives, so I’m feeling more comfortable with him taking the kids.

That being said, my ex has been horrible with money. I work part-time, and my mother is my main childcare provider. My middle child has autism, and I work unsociable hours, so my mother’s help is crucial. As I pick up more shifts than I'm contracted for.
My mother also believes I should stop claiming child maintenance and accept what my ex is offering—£500 per month for three primary school-aged children. I should be getting double that from ex.

I’m feeling conflicted, as I know there are pros and cons to both sides. Any advice or thoughts from those who have been through something similar would be greatly appreciated.

How much contact has he been having up until now?

Does your mum want a break from providing so much childcare?

Am I greedy for wanting what child maintenance says I'm entitled too? Without my mothers support I wouldn't have been as comfortable. Now she is calling me ungrateful.

He was having them for two hours twice a week.

My mother doesn't trust him with overnight stays. Says he is too relaxed.

Sorry is he offering £500 AND 50/50?

Going from four hours a week to 3.5 days a week (or a week on, week off, or some other 50% pattern) would be huge change. If he wants to increase contact then it should build up slowly.

What do you think your ex's motivation is? Does he want to increase contact to reduce maintenance or because he wants to see more of the children?

How does your mum see 50/50 working if she doesn't think he should have them overnight?

Why does your mum want him to pay less and think you are ungrateful? Does she want you to keep the DC and accept less money?
While he wants to have the DC so he can pay less?

Because that makes a big difference in understanding the situation.

You certainly can’t go from 2 hours twice a week to 50/50. That will take a while to build up to- and only if he gets it right!

How does he plan to manage work if he has them 50/50? He doesn’t get to keep the ‘cheap’ hours and leave you using your mum.

He wants to see them more often to reduce maintenance. He admitted to getting a promotion and he now wants to save some money for a house deposit. I don't belive he would do the childcare himself but he could get his sister to support him.

Yes, she wants me to keep the dc more and accept less money.

His older sister has always been pushing him to buy a house, but that is not the one I'm worried about. His other younger sister recently became a single mother too. He is living with her currently and I don't know her well.

Ds2 autism makes him boisterous and it is harder to find a childminder for him. He self toilets and talks at times (he got selective mutism).

I wouldn't even discuss it with either of them until it happens - let him put his money where his mouth is. By which I mean, wait for him to offer and put in place 50% of days agreed in advance, start actually having the children and looking after them properly, and only then consider withdrawing the claim.
How old are the DC? Sounds as if the eldest is quite on the ball.
How do they feel about it?
The current arrangements of 2 hours twice a week are minimal. Try a full day at the weekend, and another day picking up from school, looking after overnight and taking to school the next day. If that works ( I bet he won't accommodate that) then you can start thinking about longer. Otherwise, it's pretty clear he's doing it for the money and isn't really that interested in the DC.
I don't see why you need to withdraw your claim. On the contrary, if he's had a promotion he needs to be paying more, and that should presumably be backdated. I'm surprised you're even considering his suggestion before he has demonstrated good faith.

Does she hate you?!

Why on earth would she want you to be worse off in every way?

Tell her no.

@Confusedtiedsleepy id be asking ex to show that he (without outsourcing the children to his sister) can effectively and consistently care for the children 50/50 for at least 6 weeks before I’d consider looking at child maintenance.

even 50/50 he’s possibly going to have to pay something if he’s had a decent promotion.

is he reliable with money etc. do you think he stick to arrangements?

He hasn't done a school pick-up in over two years because it prevented him from working extra hours. The last straw was when the school called to say DS1 had vomited and needed to be picked up. He told them no because he had to work and that they should handle it.

Then he called me to complaining about why I gave them his number (he gave the number himself). I hung up, went to pick up DS1 from school, and apologized to the woman in the office. Luckily, it was during my annual leave and I was home that day. But I will never forget it.

No, he is not reliable with money and time. Dm says she is worried about the court allowing 50:50 and then I will get nothing. And ex would still be flaky with the childcare and maybe to punish me take the dc out to different places and messes up ds2 need for routine. Which will mess up his sleep and increase his anxiety.

Which is also why I don't think gradual phases is better for ds2. He needs routine. It calms him. Or would a timetable be sufficient?
My dc are 4, 8 and 11 year old

So he needs to know that he can work towards what he wants but that it won’t work to swap arrangements in one go right now.

Say that it needs to be a gradual change especially for your son with ASD, and ask how he’ll manage sickness and school pick ups on his work days.

Suggest he have a whole Sunday first of all, see how he gets on. Then a Sunday night to school drop off. And so on.

Reassure your mum that he won’t get 50/50 until he proves he can hack it.

Do not trust he will get 50/50 and pay you. He won’t.

Has he told you how much he now earns?

If he has been promoted, won’t he now have to work harder?

Is he planning to pay his sister to look after your and his kids?

Is he expecting your mum to continue with childcare and you to do his school runs and pickups? What about sickness, holidays, dr's appointments etc? 50:50 should mean 50:50 on all aspects, not just the money.

I don't know what he is planning. I can only speculate. I ended up telling child maintenance (via website) about his promotion and show them screenshot of our conversation about him and his promotion.

Now I'm scared what will they do with that information? Will they tell him, it was me?

I would love for him to take me to court. On another note, if the court award him any days, can they force him to watch the children? Because I would like to pick up more work shifts. I prefer my own money and I love working with my team. It would be nice to work full time. It is also a lot simpler than caring for dc.

By force him, I mean get him to arrange childcare and pay for it on his days. I love my children, but I have loved having less mental load when dm takes care of them. I trust my dm with the dc, but would I do the same with ex?

This is a man, who got angry when dc asked him for a second snack before dropping them off. He said what are you doing with the money I send you? Why are you not feeding them? I do feed my children well, ds1 just asked for a second snack from his father. That is a normal child thing, right? Asking for a snack after swimming is normal right?

No court order can force someone to be a parent he can get a 50/50 court order leave them with you 100% of the time and pay you nothing because he has a court order you will then be forced to return to court and that costs money

So what is the point of the court order? I don't want the dc needs to be ignored. Is it not perjury/ child neglect / child endangerment if he doesn't care for the dc the days he said he would? My dc are young and need an adult to care for them. What can I do to prevent this, except accept less money now and close my child maintenance claim.

Surely you wait for him to actually live up to the 50/50 or go to court for it first?

While he's NOT doing 50/50 you keep the claim going, and IF he gets or starts doing 50/50, you accept closing the claim or a reduced amount. And if he then stops the 50/50, you restart the claim.

I don't think you need to do a single thing right now, nothing has actually changed. The ball is on his court and currently he should be paying child support at whatever rate is appropriate for his current salary.