Dm & exdh

[Confusedtiedsleepy]

Hi all, hope you're doing well.

I’m reaching out because my ex, with whom I’ve been separated for three years, has recently asked me to close our child maintenance case. Initially, I said no and informed the DM about it. However, for the past month, he’s been pleading with me to close it, claiming he wants 50/50 custody of the children.

At first, that would have scared me, but my youngest is now older and less dependent on me. Also, my ex has finally started taking our child’s milk allergy seriously. When we first separated, he once gave my son ice cream, and my oldest (9) had to stop him, as he was unaware of the allergy. Fortunately, it wasn’t severe—just rashes and stomach aches—but my ex has since made sure to provide dairy-free alternatives, so I’m feeling more comfortable with him taking the kids.

That being said, my ex has been horrible with money. I work part-time, and my mother is my main childcare provider. My middle child has autism, and I work unsociable hours, so my mother’s help is crucial. As I pick up more shifts than I'm contracted for.
My mother also believes I should stop claiming child maintenance and accept what my ex is offering—£500 per month for three primary school-aged children. I should be getting double that from ex.

I’m feeling conflicted, as I know there are pros and cons to both sides. Any advice or thoughts from those who have been through something similar would be greatly appreciated.

Don't close your claim otherwise he will continue to use bullying tactics.

Ask which days and overnight he wants to start with, the same one each week. Showing willing to him having them more but until he has several months of him having them 50% reliably then don't agree to reduce CMS, it goes in number overnights over a year unless there is a court order.

I would most definitely want him to do 50:50. I believe them having a positive relationship with their father would benefit them a lot. They already love him and my oldest asked to call his father when he was sad about not getting the secondary school he wanted. He said he felt a lot better after that conversation.

So going for the court order won't benefit me. I should encourage ex to take the dc more often instead first. He has been contacting me more often now asking about the child maintenance. I told him no, I won't cancel few times. The last time I told him I would think about it.

Thank you all.

Don't cancel until he's actually doing 50/50.

He can say anything he likes, it's the actions that matter.

I think this.

Be open to the change but let him do all the running around or suggestions. I suspect that ex is so used to being subsidised by all the women in his life that it just won't occur to him that he needs to organise anything. He will expect you to proactively facilitate the changes.

Also. Refuse any CMS changes until you are in a consistent pattern for at least a couple of months.

By the way. It's sounds like he is on a very high income. If so. He may well still be liable to pay you anyway on 50/50. That might put him off so I would try to calculate what he would still owe.

I'd have no issue with him wanting more contact, but he needs to prove he means overnight stays, being available for the dc clubs, hobbies, drop offs etc, you know, being a real, present parent.

As for cm, claim what your dc are entitled to, don't let anyone bully you into doing differently. This is to ensure you can put a roof over your dcs heads, feed and clothe them. Again providing financially is as important as being a present parent. Sounds to me like your ex hasn't really got a good grasp on what being a parent means. He can't pick and choose what he wants to do depending on his financial position.

As for your dm, why would she want him to pay less, is he bullying her or is she just a bit thick?

All your children need stability if doing this 50/50 they need to feel secure and happy to continue with sed plan, they or one of them might be unsettled with new arrangements you have to trail this and see how children cope, could go tits up if x doesn't play ball with arrangements or children are unsettled after a few weeks so definitely don't cancel any financial arrangements until he can prove his worth

Also op easter break not long away is x going to take some AL to look after his children, you will have to factor this in , summer school holidays to, might give you more time to do extra shifts if he is serious about the 50/50

He didn't see the kids one day over the Christmas holiday because he said it was their holiday time and they needed rest. He uses some pretty strange logic to justify his actions.

Yes, he's a high earner but also very tight-fisted. I remember crying when I got my first UC payment. I’d never had that kind of money when I was married, so it felt so strange.

Then my dear mother (DM) said there was no point in me staying at home. She offered to help with childcare, and we agreed I’d work around her schedule, which I’ve been doing for the last two years now. I’m really grateful for her support.

My ex and DM have a weird relationship, and she tends to pander to him. Anything he says is right in her eyes. Right now, I think she's afraid of what would happen if he pushed for 50:50 custody. If that happened, I'd definitely want the kids to be with me 50% of the time, and I think he’d have more influence than she does in that situation.

Currently, I work as a bank healthcare assistant and arrange my shifts well in advance with my mother’s approval. She helps by telling me if she can or can’t care for the kids on certain dates. I do late shifts (or amended time shift) and she picks them up from after school club. Takes them home, baths, feed them the food I prepared and puts them to bed. Waits for me and then goes home. It is a good system and I let the dc know in advance what my plan is. Because it lowers their anxiety.

This reminds me, I need to get a new calender and new stickers so all the dc would know which days are daddy days.

But wait he currently lives in a shared house, in one room. How would that work with three children? I'm fully aware he can rent a bigger property but he hasn't done that so far. So what happens in these type of cases,? Do I wait till he has a bigger property? Or like he told be before he is saving up to buy a house. Do I wait for that to happen?

Do not cancel your cms claim. your ex doesn’t even have a bedroom for the dc. No way is he going to get 50/50 in the near future.

He’s stringing you along, and your mum has already fallen for his bullshit, and you are heading that way.

He’s been rubbish at paying maintenance. What makes you believe this will suddenly improve?

OP, do not trust this man one inch.

He is a shit father whose sole focus is money.

Keep careful notes.
That he did not have them a single day over the holidays speaks to his character.

Mention that in a text to him if you do not have proof of this already.

He is not trustworthy, has no experience of looking after his children, and is driven solely by money.

Tell him to bring you to court if he wishes.
Do not give up a single penny of money.
Do not listen to your mother.
Sadly she is not to be trusted in these matters.

Talk to Women's aid.
He financially abused you during your marriage and now is again focused on money.

Get advice from Women's aid.

So he carnt have them to stay over until he fines suitable accommodation, so he carnt have them 50% right now , leave him to it op do not cancel anything yet until he can prove he can do 50%,
Great you and your mum have this routine going children have stability,

Keep doing what your doing and let him ponder,

While on trial he still needs to take AL when children are off school this show how committed he is or should,

If he doesn't have anywhere for the kids to sleep over, then his talk of 50/50 is absolute nonsense.

Keep going with your CMS claim.