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Original poster

Struggling to get over a date

78 replies

LR188890 · 05/03/2025 09:20

So, I've been with my OH for 3 years. Back in 2023 we had an argument and split for approx 2 weeks. Last year I found out in those 2 weeks we were apart he was on a dating site and went on a date with someone.
It was just one date but quite a lot of messages between them. The woman he went on this date with found me on social media last year (a year after the date) and sent me ALL of the messages between them, a pic of the flowers he sent her just after the date (it was her birthday). She said they were arranging another date then he just vanished, ghosted her and blocked her on everything.
I did confront him, he said he felt worthless after our argument and put himself on the dating site to feel better and blocked her when we got back together. I agreed to try and put it behind us and move forward but 10 month on from me finding out about her I'm still struggling. It hurt reading the messages he sent her. He told her he felt a connection with her, that he couldn't stop thinking about her. He said he didn't mean any of that and was just saying it.
She told me he lovebombed her and it affected her mental health when he ghosted her. Sex wasn't involved, she said it was a bit handholding and a peck on the check.
I can't stop obsessing about it!

OP posts:
KitsyWitsy · 05/03/2025 09:22

Neither can she, obviously. Who is this Prince?

Itisbetter · 05/03/2025 09:24

What did you think breaking up meant?

EG94 · 05/03/2025 09:26

Tbf to the bloke her blocked her as soon as he got back with you. Seems his behaviour was shittiest on her. Was selfish and would have been kinder had he of told her he was trying again with you.

I understand her torment having recently been ghosted out of no where when we were getting along fine and last message was will see you soon etc. it does fuck with your mind because it leaves you with unanswered questions

have you caught him doing anything untoward since?

if you don’t trust him, your relationship is dead

TwistedWonder · 05/03/2025 09:32

So he couldn’t wait 5 minutes after you had an argument before he’s out chasing other women and love bombing by sounds of it?

And the fact she’s so obsessed with him after one date is somewhat concerning.

So this is a bloke who thinks it’s ok to use people as a support for his fragile ego and bin them without a word when they’re surplus to requirements? What a catch

Original poster
LR188890 · 05/03/2025 09:40

EG94 · 05/03/2025 09:26

Tbf to the bloke her blocked her as soon as he got back with you. Seems his behaviour was shittiest on her. Was selfish and would have been kinder had he of told her he was trying again with you.

I understand her torment having recently been ghosted out of no where when we were getting along fine and last message was will see you soon etc. it does fuck with your mind because it leaves you with unanswered questions

have you caught him doing anything untoward since?

if you don’t trust him, your relationship is dead

Nope, literally nothing concerning at all.

OP posts:
FreeIoader · 05/03/2025 09:40

My biggest take from this is that you’re with a man who would replace you in five minutes, is capable of love-bombing and ghosting, and seems to pursue women to the point of fragility.

That’s what would worry me- about myself.

plsd · 05/03/2025 09:41

I don't think he's done anything wrong in terms of your relationship - don't think you have any right to be upset or angry with him. He went on one date and didn't have sex.

However it does sound like he treated her badly and I'd be questioning the morals of a man who did that.

Having said that she does sound very intense and a bit of a bunny boiler. It was ONE date and yes there might have been a connection and he sent some flowers. Ghosting her was really shit on his part. But a full year later and she's looking up his current partner on social media and bombarding her with messages and texts?? She doesn't sound very stable IMO

plsd · 05/03/2025 09:42

FreeIoader · 05/03/2025 09:40

My biggest take from this is that you’re with a man who would replace you in five minutes, is capable of love-bombing and ghosting, and seems to pursue women to the point of fragility.

That’s what would worry me- about myself.

Yup

Original poster
LR188890 · 05/03/2025 09:42

TwistedWonder · 05/03/2025 09:32

So he couldn’t wait 5 minutes after you had an argument before he’s out chasing other women and love bombing by sounds of it?

And the fact she’s so obsessed with him after one date is somewhat concerning.

So this is a bloke who thinks it’s ok to use people as a support for his fragile ego and bin them without a word when they’re surplus to requirements? What a catch

Edited

See this is exactly where my mindset is with it all. He's behaved like a complete twat, Firstly replacing me so quickly and also using this woman to feed his precious little ego

OP posts:
Lostworlds · 05/03/2025 09:44

It looks like he’s incapable of being alone and needed some attention. How he treated her is awful! He led her on, love bombed her and then ghosted so no wonder she’s upset.

Did you ask if he had dated anyone whilst you split? If no then and he blocked her straight away then he hasn’t done anything wrong to you, it’s just a pretty rubbish situation.

If you’re happy with him and there’s no other worries then I’d try put this behind you.

Original poster
LR188890 · 05/03/2025 09:47

plsd · 05/03/2025 09:41

I don't think he's done anything wrong in terms of your relationship - don't think you have any right to be upset or angry with him. He went on one date and didn't have sex.

However it does sound like he treated her badly and I'd be questioning the morals of a man who did that.

Having said that she does sound very intense and a bit of a bunny boiler. It was ONE date and yes there might have been a connection and he sent some flowers. Ghosting her was really shit on his part. But a full year later and she's looking up his current partner on social media and bombarding her with messages and texts?? She doesn't sound very stable IMO

The messages were completely out of the blue, and then to send me all the messages between them. Could understand if it was recent but a year after their date is a bit weird. She kept contacting me for weeks telling me he was a cheat and a player, I did end up blocking her. Yeah, he was a dick for what he done to her, I get that but to hound me was a bit strange.

OP posts:
Original poster
LR188890 · 05/03/2025 09:51

Lostworlds · 05/03/2025 09:44

It looks like he’s incapable of being alone and needed some attention. How he treated her is awful! He led her on, love bombed her and then ghosted so no wonder she’s upset.

Did you ask if he had dated anyone whilst you split? If no then and he blocked her straight away then he hasn’t done anything wrong to you, it’s just a pretty rubbish situation.

If you’re happy with him and there’s no other worries then I’d try put this behind you.

Yeah I asked all of that. He said she was the only one, just one date and then blocked her as soon as we got back together.

OP posts:
modusvivendi · 05/03/2025 10:09

Having online dated for circa ten years, it is a horrible place and you're lucky if you only end up being ghosted once. Yes it can be hurtful but it's an unfortunate part of the journey and you just have to accept it and move on. This woman seems to have developed an unhealthy fixation with your partner after only one date (and latterly you), and would be delighted to hear she had shaken your faith in your relationship. It's extremely intense to do what she has done. If you don't have any concerns about your relationship other than this, try not to let this woman succeed in undermining your trust in him. People do crazy things after break ups, so I wouldn't say he was necessarily in the wrong to go on a dating website straight away. Ultimately you've come back together, he's blocked this woman in order to prioritise you and hopefully learned some lessons. It's not ideal of course, nor is ghosting this woman but she sounds like the most problematic element here, not your partner. Try to focus on the positives and put this behind you.

Cattery · 05/03/2025 10:15

So he couldn’t go two weeks without hooking up with someone else? What is this need in some people to be part of a couple all the time even if it’s with someone unsuitable? It’s like “anyone will do”. Pathetic. I’d be looking at him in a very different light OP

plsd · 05/03/2025 10:16

@LR188890 she definitely seems to have unhealthy obsession based on some texts and one date. Yes he treated he badly but her response is extreme.

I'm wondering if she's been looking at both of your social media's and assumed you've been together consistently for 3 years with no break - therefore she's assumed he cheated on her with you. Even at that her reaction is extreme but you can see why she's pissed off to a certain extent.

I see you've now blocked her but if she does get in touch another way I'd shut it down with "thanks, I appreciate you letting me know. We weren't together at the time of your messages/date and I have no interest in what happened during that period. We have since moved on and are in a happy committed relationship but what happened between you both is none of my business"

I would be wondering separately what your DPs behaviour says about him (albeit he doesn't seem to be a cheat)

Original poster
LR188890 · 05/03/2025 10:17

Itisbetter · 05/03/2025 09:24

What did you think breaking up meant?

Exactly what it is, but didn't expect to be replaced within a few days!

OP posts:
Azureal · 05/03/2025 10:24

While I don't think what he did counts as cheating, it wasn't great. However her behaviour is awful.

I do think men react to break ups differently and are more likely to date again sooner.

That said, my fiancé and I had 2 break ups early on, one for a couple of months and one for two weeks, and on neither of those occasions did either of us go on a date. I think if we had, getting back together and ultimately now being engaged would be much less likely. We showed each other a commitment to work through difficulties.

treesandsun · 05/03/2025 10:25

You split up - what he did during that time is none of your business - you were split up. His behaviour towards her was not very nice - but they had one date - so ghosting her after one date is not nice but if it is affecting her mental health this long afterwards I would suspect it was not very stable to begin with.

Going on the dating sites quickly after your split is entirely up to him - you were split.

KnackeredOldCatLady · 05/03/2025 10:27

It's not ideal of course, nor is ghosting this woman but she sounds like the most problematic element here, not your partner.

I'm rather uncomfortable about the other woman blaming that's going on here - describing her as 'problematic', 'bunny boiler' etc. A tad misogynistic maybe?

OK, so the best thing for her own mental health is to back off and let go, but he bombarded her with messages telling her that he couldn't stop thinking about her and felt a connection. Then he sent her flowers. I find it rather odd that he knew her address after one date! How did that come about?

Sorry OP, but I think the bad guy in this scenario is him and not the other woman who was treated like shit. Do you want to be with a man who holds women in such contempt?

smithey855 · 05/03/2025 10:32

treesandsun · 05/03/2025 10:25

You split up - what he did during that time is none of your business - you were split up. His behaviour towards her was not very nice - but they had one date - so ghosting her after one date is not nice but if it is affecting her mental health this long afterwards I would suspect it was not very stable to begin with.

Going on the dating sites quickly after your split is entirely up to him - you were split.

This.

you weren’t together and he was free to do what he wanted.

Would you feel any differently if he met someone in a club/bar and kissed them or slept with them?

Men are far more likely to jump straight back into the dating game after a split where as most women need time to heal and reflect on what went wrong. So what he did, although not nice to see or hear isn’t unusual I’m afraid.

in terms of the ghosting and blocking, you have to give him some credit for doing this, I’ve done it and had it done to me - it’s not nice but in a way it’s easier than telling someone you don’t want to see them again - on both fronts.

She is clearly stirring things and I would honestly try and forget about it and move on, especially if you have no other reasons to doubt the relationship or his integrity.

Original poster
LR188890 · 05/03/2025 10:34

modusvivendi · 05/03/2025 10:09

Having online dated for circa ten years, it is a horrible place and you're lucky if you only end up being ghosted once. Yes it can be hurtful but it's an unfortunate part of the journey and you just have to accept it and move on. This woman seems to have developed an unhealthy fixation with your partner after only one date (and latterly you), and would be delighted to hear she had shaken your faith in your relationship. It's extremely intense to do what she has done. If you don't have any concerns about your relationship other than this, try not to let this woman succeed in undermining your trust in him. People do crazy things after break ups, so I wouldn't say he was necessarily in the wrong to go on a dating website straight away. Ultimately you've come back together, he's blocked this woman in order to prioritise you and hopefully learned some lessons. It's not ideal of course, nor is ghosting this woman but she sounds like the most problematic element here, not your partner. Try to focus on the positives and put this behind you.

No concerns whatsoever...apart from this. She said she'd made another Facebook account in a false name to "have a neb on his" and that's how she found about about me and then contacted me. I didn't ask to see messages between them but a few days after she first contacted me she just decided to send me them. It was awful for me to read them and I did show him them straight away, I was crying, he was saying he didn't mean anything he'd said to her but it still hurt like hell. We agreed to try to move on from this but every few weeks she'd pop up in my socials telling me that I'm an idiot for trusting him, that's when I blocked her, however she made more accounts up and continued. I didn't react, I just kept blocking.
It's the thought of him saying the things he said to her that's playing over and over in my mind, and how he replaced me so quickly and also how he behaved towards her by lovebombing her then ghosting her, that's just cruel. He admits he used her to make him feel better and that's a pretty rotten thing to do too.

OP posts:
ReesesCupcake · 05/03/2025 10:36

He was on the rebound.

She sounds a bit strange searching out your profiles and sending you these screenshots to cause trouble. They hardly knew each other, so not like she and him were together properly.

Original poster
LR188890 · 05/03/2025 10:44

@KnackeredOldCatLady I did ask him about where he sent flowers to, he said it was to her work address and because it was her birthday a few days after their date.

OP posts:
Chuchoter · 05/03/2025 10:46

He was able to lie and convince a woman after one date that he was seriously interested in her and this was immediately after splitting up with you!

He is a crafty manipulator and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

ItGhoul · 05/03/2025 10:46

The other woman sounds like an absolute nut job.