Struggling to get over a date

[LR188890]

So, I've been with my OH for 3 years. Back in 2023 we had an argument and split for approx 2 weeks. Last year I found out in those 2 weeks we were apart he was on a dating site and went on a date with someone.
It was just one date but quite a lot of messages between them. The woman he went on this date with found me on social media last year (a year after the date) and sent me ALL of the messages between them, a pic of the flowers he sent her just after the date (it was her birthday). She said they were arranging another date then he just vanished, ghosted her and blocked her on everything.
I did confront him, he said he felt worthless after our argument and put himself on the dating site to feel better and blocked her when we got back together. I agreed to try and put it behind us and move forward but 10 month on from me finding out about her I'm still struggling. It hurt reading the messages he sent her. He told her he felt a connection with her, that he couldn't stop thinking about her. He said he didn't mean any of that and was just saying it.
She told me he lovebombed her and it affected her mental health when he ghosted her. Sex wasn't involved, she said it was a bit handholding and a peck on the check.
I can't stop obsessing about it!

I don't think OPs DP had behaved well towards the other lady well at all and I'm not defending him one bit.

However I also agree with the bunny boiler/crazy woman comments. I object to you saying this is mysogonostic though.

If a man had been on a single date with a woman, exchanged some messages and been sent a small token gift on his birthday then ghosted id feel sorry for him. However, if a full year later he was setting up fake fb profiles and bombarding the ladies bf with screenshots of messages and saying he couldn't move on etc, I'd be calling him crazy/intense too.

In fact I'm sure if this was roles reversed and a man was hounding a woman and her bf a year later people would have an even stronger reaction and potentially accusing him of stalking etc

He was on the rebound and behaved like a dick.

This woman sounds unhinged.

If I were you I would try and forget about the whole thing, if you genuinely can't then you need to break up with him although I personally think that would be a wild over-reaction. Each to their own though.

I had sort of similar.

Broke up with my ex for a few weeks. During that time he went on OLD and met a woman. Was a bit more than yours- around 3 dates, they had sex and he had her over to his place too.

I had no idea about this and got back with him after the "break" after we discussed things (he came begging not me).

Anyway. It came out later as this woman started sending me messages all over social media (I have various pages personal and business).

I was very upset, even though we were broken up, for the reasons you have already stated, I felt like I was very easily replaced. And all the things he said about feeling down, needing an ego boost after the breakup etc. made me think a bit less of him like he couldn't be alone for 5 mins!

If I'd known what happened before I took him back, I never would have. I felt really violated.

She also sent me lots of nasty messages (not sure what I had done though!). So I was angry at her too but didn't respond to it.

In the end I ended things with my ex as I never really got over it. And as time went on I thought more about how he treated the other woman, basically used her then ghosted her and I felt less and less of him.

I do think of her as a bit "unhinged" as she still stalks me and my friends on social media to this day. Can't get my head around it as it was years ago and I'm not with him. But I felt sorry for her too, I think it can really hurt and mess with your mind when someone love bombs then ghosts you.

Op you split up it`s nothing to do with you.
Then you got back together after 14 days why even bother splitting in the first place .
Honestly you could do so much better.
The only thing this man has shown you is that your not irreplaceable.

@89mar1 I am so sorry that happened to you. If he'd had sex with her I think I'd have ended the relationship as soon as I found out. Whether we'd split or not I don't think I could have handled that. If I'd found out about her before we got back together I don't think I'd have went back either.
I do think less of him if I'm honest, I was hurt that I was replaced so bloody quickly and angry too!
I did feel sympathy for the woman he had a date with but after being bombarded with messages from her that sympathy went. Although what he did to her was awful, he used her to feed his ego.

However I also agree with the bunny boiler/crazy woman comments. I object to you saying this is mysogonostic though.

But expressions like 'bunny boiler' and 'crazy woman' ARE misogynistic.

I'm not defending her by the way. But maybe the OP's partner shouldn't have treated her like disposable trash.

I think my comments on this woman's behaviour are legitimate. And I don't take issue with the "other woman" (not that I would use that phrase) in a genuine affair situation - in that case surely the adulterer is the one at fault. The problem here is that they went on one date and if the roles were reversed with this ensuing behaviour, as another PP has said, we would be describing the man as a stalker. Creating multiple Facebook profiles to contact this man's partner is extremely problematic behaviour. It's not misogynistic to say so, and if we call all criticism of women misogyny then we do injustice to genuine instances of it.

@LR188890 this woman's behaviour towards you is hurtful but is no doubt driven by mental health issues and for that I think the kindest thing to do would be to ignore or respond asking her politely not to contact you again. I'm sorry to hear you are being impacted by it to this extent. You know your partner best and while he should not have ghosted her, try not to think about it as him trying to "replace you" - we are all guilty of doing things we regret in the haze of a breakup, what matters is your relationship now, and if you respect him for who he is.

Yes that is upsetting that it happened so quickly. Sometimes though people can just panic or make rash decisions not really thinking straight. Over time if there are no other causes for concern hopefully this event will eventually be a thing of the past and not affect you both

Yes, and I totally understand what other posters are saying about "well you split so it's nothing to do with you".
However the hurtful thing is the short time frames in which these men do this- a matter of days or weeks sex or not.
I think that's the hard part to get your head around.
And often it's like they've gone elsewhere to see if the grass is greener, and decided maybe it's not so then wanted you back. Which again is kinda hurtful.
In my case or your case if the new woman had been super beautiful super wonderful or special in some way it's doubtful they would have come back to us. It's a backhanded compliment in a way that they do come back. In my experience I was just always wondering, and as I said just thought less of him.

FWIW I don't think my woman or your woman's behaviour is normal either. If the men have given them a sense they are very interested, really like them, sending flowers is definitely quite forward after a date btw, I can imagine them being very hurt.

But sending all sorts of messages and stuff to you who has done nothing wrong just isn't normal at all!

Forget the weirdo woman who stalked you and tracked you down and sent you all this stuff from a year ago. In fact block her and try to erase her from your mind. That is honestly such a freakish thing to do and suggests to me that she is a bit unhinged, but she also isn't your problem.

What is important here is the relationship between you and your OH. What do his actions towards you demonstrate? Don't think about words said, but focus on his actions. How does he behave towards you, how does he make you feel, do you feel safe with him, has he shown you that he is trustworthy and reliable, is he good company, how does he behave under pressure?

Focus on his actions and all his behaviour towards you up to now. Also think about how he behaves towards other women in his life, so his mother, sisters, daughters etc. Again examine the actual evidence of his behaviour not any words that he might say.

Those are the important things in a relationship between two people and they are the things that will tell you what kind of person he really is.

So... he got caught and blamed her? Classy. They both lack boundaries, and decency. Did he "love bomb" you at first? Did it all feel really good at the beginning and then it didn't? Love bombers are usually manipulative and controlling, and they lack empathy. I didn't hear any regret, or concern for you in his response; it was all justification and blame. I'd throw this one back. I'd also change the title of your thread to "struggling to get over a betrayal." The "betrayal" is the timeline, and that you had to find this out from her!

@rubberduck68 no, I wouldn't say he lovebombed me, he gave me loads of attention and he still does now.
I don't get what you mean by my justification or blame? I've never justified his behaviour or blamed anyone. Slightly confused by your response

But you weren't replaced, he went on a date. His behaviour is not very nice at all towards her and that would worry me more.

I meant that he did not seem to justify his behaviour to you, and he blamed her on getting too attached. Wasn't aiming those two words at you, not at all.

I wouldn't have allowed her to send me their messages. She was hoping you'd split with him again once you saw them and presumably he'd go running back to her? Or just get his just deserts and getting dumped again, for ditching her and going back to you.

You two were split up. I'd do the same, try a date or two. You could've slept with fifty people in that time and there'd be nothing wrong with it.

So you need to forget about this woman. Block her and get on with your life. I don't think your partner really did much wrong, other than he should have let her down in a more honest, less hurtful way.

How were you replaced? He went on one date and gave her a peck on the cheek.
Should he have ghosted her, probably not, but they'd had one date he hardly owed her a big explanation. She sounds deranged.

I think some guys can be like this. After a break up they are straight on the dating sites, trying to get attention from other women.

I've known some guys like this, and it really has nothing to do with how he felt about you - in fact it seems to show that he was struggling with the break up and looking to make himself feel better.

But yes it's shitty behaviour, and he clearly wasn't reflecting on how it would impact the other woman.

I don't think he necessarily had a real connection with the other woman, maybe it felt like it in the moment, but in a heightened state of emotion (eg after a break up), things can feel more intense than they actually are.

So yes, for me it would be more about how he handles stressful life events (eg does he look for validation in a selfish way) and not consider the consequences on anyone else.

I can see why he ghosted and blocked the fucking Bunny boiler

I was just going to post something similar. But you said it better 😂.

OP, I don't think he made the right choices re dating again so quickly, but if he has genuinely been a good partner for the last 2 years, with no doubts, then I think you need to try to forget about it.

Christ, he didn't use her. He was a single man who went out on a date with someone he liked. She, presumably was a single woman who also went out on a date with someone she liked.

It's what single people do. Yeah, ghosting her was a bit of a shitty thing to do, but he presumably did it because there was a chance of salvaging the relationship with you and he didn't want to risk that by talking to another woman.

If you can't deal with the fact that he went and had an enjoyable evening with someone else when you weren't together, then dump him, but you can't stay with him and try and hold this over his head. He hasn't done anything wrong.

This wouldn't bother me

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots he did use her, he said he used her to make himself feel better. I didn't say he did anything wrong, I said I'm struggling with it after she sent me the messages between them. Any idea how that felt. We'd argued and split just days before they started messaging and yeah that made me feel shit

Who broke up with who after the argument? Did you end it or did he?

That's not really using someone though is it? It's the basis of every single rebound relationship ever. You get dumped, you go do the thing you couldn't do before you got dumped and meet someone new.

@mushroomushroom bit of both really. We argued, it got heated, we both said things we didn't mean and I walked away. Neither of us contacted each other in the following days. I had to contact him regarding something and we just started speaking again. The day ghosted and blocked her was the day I got in touch with him