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Original poster

Husband won't agree to a separation - what can I do.

29 replies

confusedandlost9 · 04/03/2025 14:52

I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for 4. We have a 3 year old daughter together.

Things were a bit rocky the last few years, but over the last year things have gone downhill fast. We just don't like each other. We argue constantly (not the shouting type, just the constant jibes), we nit pick, we make everything a competition. Life is miserable. We do our best to plaster on happy faces for DD but I know she's listening to everything. We don't kiss, cuddle and we absolutely don't have sex.

I have snapped a few times in the last year and asked for a divorce, or even a separation. I just sat and cried and begged him to move to his mums house for a couple of weeks so I can get some headspace. He agrees that things are awful and we can't even speak nicely to each other anymore but will not leave the house and won't agree to a divorce, he says that this can be repaired.

He says that we need to fix things and that he's currently on two weeks annual leave and by the end of it, things will be back to how they were. I honestly don't even want to fix things anymore. I dream of a life with just me and DD. He says he won't be apart from DD, so he won't move out. I can't move out as my work schedule allows me to do all drop offs/pick ups etc which husband can't do, and I don't want to be apart from her either - not that I even have anywhere to go. His parents live 20 minutes down the road and they have the space and capacity for him to stay there for a while, he just refuses.

I feel like we are at a stalemate. I am so miserable, I cry every night. I'm only 31 and feel like I have my whole life ahead of me but I'm wasting it. I just don't want to be married to this man anymore but I feel trapped. What can I do? We both work full time, both jointly own our house.

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 04/03/2025 14:55

You can't make him move out of your shared home any more than he can make you. The house needs to go on the market and be sold and you come to an agreement where you both have your DD on a schedule.

0ctavia · 04/03/2025 14:56

You need to see a solicitor. You will probably have to move out with your DD but don’t do this until you’ve had legal advice.

I know it seems unfair as you are the primary parent but you can’t force him to move out or care for his child.

You are not trapped and you can get a divorce. He can’t stop you although he can make it harder and more expensive than it needs to be.

Redfred00 · 04/03/2025 14:57

He doesn't have to agree to a divorce. You dont want to fix things. You believe the relationship is suffered irreparable damage. You want a divorce. You need to be clear and file for divorce. Go and see a solicitor and discuss your next steps.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 04/03/2025 14:59

\you just proceed without his agreement, most people split this way anyway I imagine.

Original poster
confusedandlost9 · 04/03/2025 14:59

Thank you - maybe I was being unfair suggesting he moves out for a while. I would've never stopped him seeing her though, she adores him. I know it would be awful for her to be apart from either of us. I think it's why I stay. I do know, however that she would benefit much more from two parents that could happily co-parent.

I will arrange to speak with a solicitor. Can I just file for divorce, he doesn't have to be on the same page?

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 04/03/2025 15:02

Lawyer up. If you get a divorce, you will likely split custody 50/50.

It's better than raising her in a toxic shitshow where you model that kind of relationship for her.

Redfred00 · 04/03/2025 15:02

confusedandlost9 · 04/03/2025 14:59

Thank you - maybe I was being unfair suggesting he moves out for a while. I would've never stopped him seeing her though, she adores him. I know it would be awful for her to be apart from either of us. I think it's why I stay. I do know, however that she would benefit much more from two parents that could happily co-parent.

I will arrange to speak with a solicitor. Can I just file for divorce, he doesn't have to be on the same page?

He doesn't have to be on the same page. It takes two to be /stay married. You can file.

JimHalpertsWife · 04/03/2025 15:04

You can divorce him regardless of his consent. You cannot force him out of the joint home (nor him you).

I'd suggest making up a room for you (even if it's sharing with dd), so you aren't sharing a bed. Serve the papers. And prepare for a bumpy road - likely the home will be sold, so it's worth doing the sums on what you could afford with half the equity.

Original poster
confusedandlost9 · 04/03/2025 15:10

Thank you - it's pretty heartbreaking as nothing really went wrong. It just stopped working somewhere down the line and he knows that - he just won't agree to take steps to make a change.

He is already sleeping in a separate room, so at least we have space in that sense.

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 04/03/2025 15:13

Is he right, could you work at this? Have you tried? If you think the marriage is completely unsalvageable, then you need to make plans to move out with your DD.

tipsandtoes · 04/03/2025 15:15

Crushed23 · 04/03/2025 15:13

Is he right, could you work at this? Have you tried? If you think the marriage is completely unsalvageable, then you need to make plans to move out with your DD.

Surely there will need to be some sort of custody arrangement. Surely one parent can't just take the child and move. What if he did that?

JimHalpertsWife · 04/03/2025 15:16

confusedandlost9 · 04/03/2025 15:10

Thank you - it's pretty heartbreaking as nothing really went wrong. It just stopped working somewhere down the line and he knows that - he just won't agree to take steps to make a change.

He is already sleeping in a separate room, so at least we have space in that sense.

He has taken two weeks off work to fix it though- so what has he brought up over the last few days to try and get this sorted?

pikkumyy77 · 04/03/2025 15:18

Just divorce. You are just 31! You have your whole life ahead of you! Working out what comes after can’t be worse than this daily misery.

Original poster
confusedandlost9 · 04/03/2025 15:22

@JimHalpertsWife he took two week's annual leave to have a break from work, he just thinks he can simultaneously fix our marriage at the same time. He said 'we will have a few lunches together' and apparently all of our problems will be solved. We attempted it today and ended up coming home early because we can't even have a conversation anymore. I just can't see how it's repairable.

We have tried to repair it in different ways over the last couple of years. Time together, time apart, actively trying to be kinder to each other. But our relationship feels like a constant one up game. Who is more tired, who got a break today, who worked the hardest. It's exhausting. We may have been good together when we were 20 years old, but we have grown in two completely different directions it seems.

OP posts:
CoastalCalm · 04/03/2025 15:22

Will he agree to marriage counselling ?

DontBeBlueBeARainbow · 04/03/2025 15:29

Agree with the above, see a solicitor so you're prepared for the financial side and child arrangements, and what it will probably look like. Then you can file for divorce when you're ready, no permission from him needed (and no fault divorce means no finger pointing required)

You have suffered a long while, you can do this, get your life back on track.

Redfred00 · 04/03/2025 15:29

You can actually apply for a divorce even if your husband refuses to cooperate or sign any papers.

Mrsttcno1 · 04/03/2025 15:30

If you are done OP you can start the divorce process yourself, you don’t need his agreement or permission.

He doesn’t have to leave the house though and you can’t make him. Unless one of you can buy the other out the house will have to be sold so you can both then house yourselves.

Crushed23 · 04/03/2025 15:35

confusedandlost9 · 04/03/2025 15:22

@JimHalpertsWife he took two week's annual leave to have a break from work, he just thinks he can simultaneously fix our marriage at the same time. He said 'we will have a few lunches together' and apparently all of our problems will be solved. We attempted it today and ended up coming home early because we can't even have a conversation anymore. I just can't see how it's repairable.

We have tried to repair it in different ways over the last couple of years. Time together, time apart, actively trying to be kinder to each other. But our relationship feels like a constant one up game. Who is more tired, who got a break today, who worked the hardest. It's exhausting. We may have been good together when we were 20 years old, but we have grown in two completely different directions it seems.

Can you explain why you had to come early from the lunch you were going on for the purpose of working on your marriage? How did you end up fighting when the whole point was to spend quality time together? It seems like neither of you actually wants this to work, so I'm surprised he's reluctant to separate.

RoachFish · 04/03/2025 15:36

Just start the divorce process now, there is never any point in living and being miserable and your DD is young enough to not be too damaged from it if at all. Worse case you will both live in the house whilst you go through the process and until the house is sold and you can split the equity, that's still better than living with him indefinitely.

Do speak to a solicitor though. Your marriage is quite short but because you have been together for a long time it might still be considered a long one.

MrsBreadPitt · 04/03/2025 15:44

This is really sad, OP. If you truly want a divorce, then go ahead—don’t wait for his permission. However, before you throw in the towel, a few things to consider:

It sounds like he will want 50/50 custody, meaning you’ll only have your child half the time. The idea of 'a life with just you and DD' will only be a reality for part of the time.

The competition over who has it worse, the one-upmanship, and the struggles with communication suggest that both of you feel the other isn’t pulling their weight. It’s hard to say what’s objectively true, but perhaps neither of you is really listening to the other? Are you clear what has caused this situation? Are there practical things that are causing the issues that could be addressed for example?

Raising young children is exhausting and very few people are at their best - everyone is worn out, identities shift, and partners often stop prioritising each other the way they once did. But parenting requires teamwork, and teamwork requires being on the same page. Have you and your husband ever explicitly discussed roles and responsibilities for example? Expectations of each other? Parenting values?

Have you considered couples counseling? Facilitated conversations might help you hear each other’s perspectives, truly listen, and determine if there’s anything worth salvaging. Even if divorce is inevitable, counselling could still help you navigate co-parenting more effectively.
Wishing you luck. 🍀

bluegreen89 · 04/03/2025 16:02

Two options - get serious, professional help (psychotherapy for couples) but only if you want to fix things (not sure you do but just a suggestion if there is even a 5% chance you want to salvage things) or start divorce proceedings. In the meantime, can you sleep in separate rooms or sleep on a sofa bed (once DD is in bed so it is not too unsettling for her)? I know you shouldn't have to do this but you can't physically remove him from his home and it would give a clear message.

MissionToSize10 · 04/03/2025 16:03

he doesn’t get a say. Apply online, start making plans. Put yourself and children first

dottydodah · 04/03/2025 16:10

Your DH reminds me of a show where the couple had problems and wanted to go on a mini break with a visit to a castle to solve everything! You were married quite young and with a DC as well.If you want a divorce ,then see a solicitor on your own first ,you may have to move out or put up with a bad atmosphere .They may suggest Counselling or mediation for you . You are only 31 so it seems a shame to stay in a marriage where you are not happy

Original poster
confusedandlost9 · 04/03/2025 16:12

Thank you everyone. We have discussed marriage counselling - we both agree it would be worthwhile, as we can't seem to have a conversation that doesn't end in an argument. Maybe having someone in the room to help facilitate a conversation would be a useful step before deciding to file for a divorce. Especially if it will help us co-parent should I finally get to that stage.

OP posts: