Husband won't agree to a separation - what can I do.

[confusedandlost9]

I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for 4. We have a 3 year old daughter together.

Things were a bit rocky the last few years, but over the last year things have gone downhill fast. We just don't like each other. We argue constantly (not the shouting type, just the constant jibes), we nit pick, we make everything a competition. Life is miserable. We do our best to plaster on happy faces for DD but I know she's listening to everything. We don't kiss, cuddle and we absolutely don't have sex.

I have snapped a few times in the last year and asked for a divorce, or even a separation. I just sat and cried and begged him to move to his mums house for a couple of weeks so I can get some headspace. He agrees that things are awful and we can't even speak nicely to each other anymore but will not leave the house and won't agree to a divorce, he says that this can be repaired.

He says that we need to fix things and that he's currently on two weeks annual leave and by the end of it, things will be back to how they were. I honestly don't even want to fix things anymore. I dream of a life with just me and DD. He says he won't be apart from DD, so he won't move out. I can't move out as my work schedule allows me to do all drop offs/pick ups etc which husband can't do, and I don't want to be apart from her either - not that I even have anywhere to go. His parents live 20 minutes down the road and they have the space and capacity for him to stay there for a while, he just refuses.

I feel like we are at a stalemate. I am so miserable, I cry every night. I'm only 31 and feel like I have my whole life ahead of me but I'm wasting it. I just don't want to be married to this man anymore but I feel trapped. What can I do? We both work full time, both jointly own our house.

From experience, your daughter will adjust much better if you do it now vs in 2yrs. It sounds miserable. He doesn't have to agree to a divorce, you start proceedings and get on with it. The living situation can be addressed later. Either he'll agree to move out once he knows it's the point of no return, or he'll be forced to sell up so you both get a share of the house.

Just be very clear on what it is you are choosing.

You will not choose to be living with your daughter, you will choose to see her half the time and have no influence over the other half.
You will choose to stop doing her pick-up for much of the time.
You will choose to have a stepmom co-decide on her half of the time.
There is no reason to believe your competition about who has it worse will stop.
You will choose to move unless you are both very rich. If he stays close to his parents, perhaps with their help, will you also be close still?
You will choose to work enough to support yourself and her.
You are likely choosing all the complications of a step family with stepsiblings for her.

Not saying that's a wrong choice.

But your posts are full of "why doesn't he just do what I want?" - even though the answers are very obvious and, frankly, speak well of him as a father - and you don't seem to be thinking about what you are likely to GET as opposed to hoping to want.

@confusedandlost9 a good couple psychotherapist will also help you understand how you fall into patterns of behaviour as a couple and why you can't communicate effectively. It could be life changing.

Yes get your solicitor to send the papers to him.
Once he recieved them he is going to have to take you seriously. .
He sounds like he will upset but he need to face up to the marriage being over.

This will trigger the conversation about the house being sold who and who is going where .
Maybe you can try mediation to sort this out and childcare .