What do you do when your Dp is sexually not the person you thought he was...? Is it ever ok to contemplate being 'unfaithful' rather than breaking up your family?

[advicepleasemums]

Well the title sums it up really.

My Dp and I have been together five years and have one DS who is two. Our relationship was initially 'fine' on the sexual front, I enjoyed it, he seemd to as well. After the first year or so things tapered of quite a bit but there were lots of things going on which were putting stress on Dp and I put it down to that.

We conceived our Ds unexpectedly, I am to this day very surprised as our sex life had almost come to a full stop at this point so it must have been meant to be!

Since Ds has been with us, we have only had sex twice in the last two years. Both times I have 'asked' him to and then wished I hadn't as it was obvious he wasn't really interested. I have asked him what the matter is and he says he is just not 'that sexual', he is tired, lots of different reasons but it all adds up to the same thing.I have asked/suggested couple counselling as i really want our reationship to be complete, nut the bottom line is he does not wish to go doen this road and thats that.

I know people will tell me to try various things to get our sex life 'back on track' but the fact is my dp and i are not sexually compatible, if it were not for DS we would probably have split amicably by now.

But we do have a beloved son and, having come from a broken home myself I am prepared to do what it takes to avoid this for my son. My dp is so good in every other way, i just feel I cannot justify leaving him for this, it feels so selfish and possibly fruitless.

But on the other hand, if i eventually seek some sexual contact outside the relationship, can I/should I live with that?
I just feel despairing imagining being essentially celibate for the next 20 or more years!!
What are peoples views on this, has anyone gone down this road?

Message withdrawn

Thanks dior

Its just so hard, isn't it?
I used to really enjoy my sexuality and it made me feel good to give something worthwhile to another person, if that makes sense. I had some great partners whilst i was younger and free-er, and I always looked forward to settling down and taking things a step further (sexually/emotionally) with someone I really loved.

I actually envy women who say their dp's nag them for sex! At least they must desire them and like them in that way.

I feel sad for my dp too as i know he feels he is letting me down, but if he doesn't 'feel' it he doen't IYKWIM.

Oh dear.

There can be medical reasons for low libido. Stress and depression can effect it, as can various medicines. Low testosterone levels can also cause diminished sexual appetite. It really would be worth trying to get him to talk to his GP about.

Message withdrawn

There is no easy answer.

Ask yourself:

if you did have sex with anyone else, would you feel the need to tell DH?

Do you have to be "in love" to have sex and would you possibly fall in love with the other man?

Could you cope with any guilt whilst staying in your marriage?

Contrary to what other MNs might say, and there has been Sooooooo much about this lately, I think that for SOME couples, this arrangement could work. It did for the aristocracy for centuries- men had mistresses but they stayed with their wives, and possibly vice-versa.

It depends on your personality- can you lead a double life or not?

To give you a bit about me- I had a very long relationship with a man- we weren't married, but sort-of lived together, as well as having our own places. he had sexual issues and after some time I found someone else. I saw him for a year. I never told the first man until it was over. I coped with that double life better than I ever thought possible. HOWEVER- we were not married and we did have a discussion before that along the lines that if i met anyone else, I should go for it- which i did.

The OM and i were never going anywhere - it was a friendship with sex and it suited us both at the time. I'm not proud of it- but as i say, I wasn't married and we had spoken of the chance of this happening.

The reason I am saying this is that you MIGHT be able to have affairs if you don't get emotionally involved and IF you can bear any guilt.

How would your DH feel if you did- would he want a divorce, or would he accept that type of marriage?

I don't think my DP would cope well at all if he found out i had been unfaithful so it would have to be completely disconnected from my 'real' life.

I cannot say for certain that I wouldn't fall in love with another man, if I were to have a sexual relationship.If I want to have sex with someone I usually like them an awful lot generally speaking, so that would be very hard.

But the alternatives are no better!!

a vibrator? [hmmm]

A vibrator isn't really the same though, is it.

no- sorry.

Maybe he needs medical help- is he psychologically impotent or has a health issue that has not been discovered?

If not, and you really feel you will never hit it off again, you should break free- life's too short.

Maybe talk to your DH about this all and see what he thinks about you having a lover with his consent, just to satisfy the sexual side of things? This does work for some couples.

Maybe just talking to him about it might make him realise how serious the problem is, kicking him into action, either to see why he has a low sex drive or deal with other issues that could be going on. Is he just not interested in sex at all or sex with you?

OMDB- I think its that he isnt that keen on sex with anyone, or, i have wondered if he has leanings in other directions, but frankly he is far too anxious about sex generally for him to ever (i would imagine) take a different direction.

I just don't know. to be honest, and it upsets him and disrupt our life when I try to tackle it.

thats why I've come to this line of thinking.

Do you think he could be gay then? There are lots of married men who are- who won't even admit it to themselves.

You need to talk to him about it. You need to discuss the possibility of you seeking sex outside your marriage (not in a heavy, threatening way, but just as a possibility). Because if one partner is unhappy about an aspect of the relationship it's no good the other partner saying, well I'M happy - a marriage is about both of you getting your needs met.

YOu see, frankly, if he doesn't want to have sex at all, why on earth would it be a problem for him if you have it with someone else?

Message withdrawn

I've changed my name for this cos I KNOW i will get flamed, however, I couldn't not respond cos you're original post could have been written by me.

I adore and fancy my husband and we've got 2 small kids, very happy marriage, he's my best friend, my rock and we have lots of cuddles and kisses but NO sex at all.

We have talked it to death over and over again, and when it boils down to it, he just has no sex drive, not interested in sex and when I do sometimes hassle him into performing I can tell the whole thing is just like some chore for him and he can't wait for it to be over - which results in crap sex for me. So now, I've just given up.

Like you say, when we talk about it, he gets very upset and feels bad that he's letting me down and then it causes loads of tension for a couple of days but nothing ever changes.

I've asked him if he's gay - NO
I've asked him how he feels about me getting sex elsewhere - NO WAY
I've asked him if he thinks it's ok that I just live a celibate life now - 'well no, but don't know what i can do about it'

I have a very high sex drive, I love sex and being fancied and having passion in my life is very important to be confidence and self esteem and stress levels.

So, I have finally decided to get sex elsewhere. I've found a fuck buddy that I see every couple of weeks. He knows exactly what the score is, I'm using him for sex. He understands that he NEVER contacts me at home or rings me or emails me and my husband and family come first. I can't and won't offer him anything else other than 'a shag' and if he doesn't like it, we call it off.

I have to say it's working out very well. No hassles, I get great sex and an ego boost and feel wanted and sexy. I come home in a great mood and am relaxed and feeling good. I don't hassle hubby about sex, which makes him much more relaxed and in my eyes everyone's happy.

Of course, I feel guilty at times and I know my husband would be devastated if he found out BUT I also truly believe that if I wasn't doing this my marriage would have fallen apart by now cos the stress of having no sex was making me angry/frustrated/insecure/ratty/weepy and I was totally obsessing about it.

I hope my experience is of some interest to you. Sorry, it's turned into a mammoth read!

Message withdrawn

I was in a relationship like this for nearly six years. We didn't have any children together but he was good to my existing DCs. He never wanted sex. I tried everything, it drove me insane and left me with very little confidence. I wouldn't have minded so much if it was obvious he fancied me but there was some physical reason why he couldn't have sex. But he didn't fancy me. We got on really well apart from that but it was always there festering away.

I would lie awake at night and wonder how he could lie next to me and not want to have sex. I blamed myself, I blamed him, I nagged, I backed off, I tried sexy underwear, I lost weight, I read books on how to spice things up/improve the relationship. I told myself that being with him was worth sacrificing my sex life and anyway, not many people get to have a good relationship AND good sex so maybe I should concentrate on the good bits.

It was torture because I was utterly besotted with him. He was the most beautiful man I'd ever met. And he didn't want any intimacy with me. I gave up initiating anything in the end because the gentle rejection that followed would be too much to bare.

I eventually ended up having an affair with someone from work. I'm not proud of the fact especially as it took me away from my family but it made me feel human again and that's what I needed. I don't see how my ex couldn't have known as I didn't hide anything (I didn't tell him but I was out a lot and sometimes all night) but he said nothing and never asked where I'd been. If he had I would have ended it straight away because, although the sex fulfilled a need, I wanted to have sex with my partner and noone else.

Ironically, the other man ended up wanting sex more than me! I'm not that highly sexed really - a couple of times a week would have been more than enough. It wasn't even the actual sex act I missed as much as the feeling of intimacy, flirting, desire, anticipation, sharing each other's pleasure. There was a whole side of him that I didn't know about and he wouldn't let me be part of.

I eventually ended the affair to concentrate on our relationship. He always said things would get better so I lived in hope. Anyway, it turned out he had been seeing other people (he always said he hadn't slept with them though) and I kept forgiving him but I finally saw the light and ended it when I found out for certain he had slept with someone else. So it wasn't that he didn't want sex , he just didn't want it with me. I'm single now but so much happier on my own and, as a result, a better mother. I'd rather be a 'family' but not if it means sacrificing my sanity.

I would think long and hard about whether you can live without having sex or whether you can take the strain of having sex outside of your relationship. Sex isn't everything but when it's not there at all and one of you isn't happy about that then it's the most soul-destroying feeling ever.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you can make a decision you're comfortable with.

Ok, here goes. We have been married a long time, ( over 20 years ) and for around ten of those years, we got out of the habit of having sex. Many and varied reasons, but at no time did we fall out of love with each other. Eventually it all became too much for me. I love him and so desperately wanted him to want me sexually, so I tackled him about it. At first he said he wasn't interested any longer, but when I told him very calmly, but seriously, that if that was true I couldn't go on living with him, knowing I wanted him but heh didn't want me, he said he did not want us to split. He agreed we could try to get that side of our marriage sorted. I accepted that it wouldn't get better overnight, but was willing to give it time. Things haven't always been perfect since then BUT we both really want things to be right. We have got to the stage where we are sexual several times a week ( sometimes just lots of very erotic touching and sometimes actual sex ) most weekend mornings are spent in bed ( very decadent!) and only this weekend he suggested to me that we should go away for a weekend and ( excuse the language) 'fuck for 48 hours'. He tells me that his feelings about me are more sexual than he can ever remember and we both realise that in some way we were both at fault for what happened. The thing is, we both wanted to sort this out and have both had to change in some ways. He is much better in the mornings, so we don't usually go beyond the caressing stage at night, but the mornings are hot! He acknowledges that I probably still have a higher sex drive and he is more than happy to accomodate that even when he isn't in the mood for himself.
I suppose it all depends how much you both want to keep your marriage together as to whether you decide to find a 'bit on the side'. Personally, that was not an option I wanted to consider. I did get hold of a book, ' The Sex Starved Marriage', which whilst not totally appropriate to our situation, was still helpful in a lot of ways. You can get it from W H Smith website.
I wish you luck whatever you decide to do. I am only sorry that we didn't sort out issues out sooner, but I am so very glad that we are back on track now.

Thank you all for your replies. it does help to know i ma not the only one going through this! the medias seems to be full of the opposite problem (ie wives'girlfriends gone off sex etc) but when its the other way round you don't get to hear much about it.

I never thought i would have to contemplate being unfaithful, I have always taken the stance that if you are not happy then get out-but its not that simple is it!

At the moment I think I will have to accept that its inevitable that eventually I will have an opportunity present itself, and that maybe i will take it. I can't accept having a celibate life. On the other hand I'm not going to actively seek something out.

Justgaveup, I don't see how anyone could judge you since your husband seems to have a rather crap attitude towards your needs....if he's not prepared to lift a finger to try and work on the problem, then why should you feel guilty for finding a "buddy"?

Thanks so much for the support - I've posted on here before about my problems in the past and had a load of abuse hurled at me about 'wrecking my children's lives' and 'just leave him'...nice to read this thread and know that there are people out there who realise it's not all black and white.

I can really relate to your situation. I have a 17m old who co-sleeps and DH has to bugger out of the bed halfway thorugh the night . Our love life is in a mess but we still really fancy each other. When I make the move DH says he doesn't just want a quick shag but a real picnic on my body so to speak. But there is so much to do in the house when DD sleeps and we just end up clearing up or DIY. How rubbish is that? LOL. DH must be a man of steel to reject some of my advances, it is so hard!

I really do think that when one partner will not have sex and will not make any effort to discuss or resolve the problem, the other partner would be justified in finding a fuckbuddy elsewhere. A person who is married/in a long term relationship but does not want sex is being selfish and dog-in-the-manger if he/she also forbids his/her partner from seeking sex elsewhere (if you're not using it, why do you object do someone else doing so).

I have often wondered this sort of thing. Is it really better to break up a marriage, than to find temporary solutions outside and keep the marriage intact. It always seems such a black and white issue on MN.