What do you do when your Dp is sexually not the person you thought he was...? Is it ever ok to contemplate being 'unfaithful' rather than breaking up your family?

[advicepleasemums]

Well the title sums it up really.

My Dp and I have been together five years and have one DS who is two. Our relationship was initially 'fine' on the sexual front, I enjoyed it, he seemd to as well. After the first year or so things tapered of quite a bit but there were lots of things going on which were putting stress on Dp and I put it down to that.

We conceived our Ds unexpectedly, I am to this day very surprised as our sex life had almost come to a full stop at this point so it must have been meant to be!

Since Ds has been with us, we have only had sex twice in the last two years. Both times I have 'asked' him to and then wished I hadn't as it was obvious he wasn't really interested. I have asked him what the matter is and he says he is just not 'that sexual', he is tired, lots of different reasons but it all adds up to the same thing.I have asked/suggested couple counselling as i really want our reationship to be complete, nut the bottom line is he does not wish to go doen this road and thats that.

I know people will tell me to try various things to get our sex life 'back on track' but the fact is my dp and i are not sexually compatible, if it were not for DS we would probably have split amicably by now.

But we do have a beloved son and, having come from a broken home myself I am prepared to do what it takes to avoid this for my son. My dp is so good in every other way, i just feel I cannot justify leaving him for this, it feels so selfish and possibly fruitless.

But on the other hand, if i eventually seek some sexual contact outside the relationship, can I/should I live with that?
I just feel despairing imagining being essentially celibate for the next 20 or more years!!
What are peoples views on this, has anyone gone down this road?

I think it depends on the individual marriage. In some cases, a refusal to have sex may indicate wider and worse problems in the marriage and it may break up anyway: if someone has a really low libido and is happy in him/herself to live a life without much if any sex, then that isn't wrong and doesn't stop them being decent people, good parents etcbut they should have the generosity of spirit to agree to their partners having sex outside the marriage subject to mutually agreed rules. SOmeone who won't agree to this or even discuss it is being profoundly selfish.

Our children learn how a healthy relationship should operate from their parents so really it depends on whether you would like your son to grow up to emulate the same relationship.

If your hubby would be happy for you to have sex with other people then I guess it could work for you but if you were planning to go behind his back then I dont think its a great idea - solve the problem between you or make plans to separate (there is no reason why he cant still be a great involved Dad is there)

I agree. I don't think the issue is black and white. ideally you go to therapy and try and sort it out. if not then you get your partner's agreement about getting sex elsewhere. If that too fails, i don't think you should have to break up an otherwise good relationship so what are your options other than condeming yourself to celibacy or getting sex outside the home?

However, i think kids can see when there's no passion in their parents relationship (speaking from expereince) and it can def affect their own relationships in a negative way down the line. So staying together isn't necessarily the right thing for anyone.

Asking him about seeking sex elsewhere may just be what's needed to make him take some kind of action.

I really do sympathise OP- i'm in a similar position, and it's very lonely and frustrating. 'Luckily' i'm gutted i'm not having sex with my husband, not that i'm not doing it in general, so at the moment i have no intention of having it elsewhere- i want HIM.

IMO, it may be better to split if nothing changes and you are thinking about cheating. One day your child will leave home, and it will just be you two there. It's not selfish to want a full relationship, and you possibly have the chance of that elsewhere. I'm sure there are many people here on great 2nd marriages.

Aree with wilywombat. You really need to talk to you dh about it. If sex means nothing to him and he really doesn't miss it, it is possible that - so long as you can avoid emotional involvement - he wouldn't mind if you sought sex elsewhere. On the other hand, the thought of it might wake him up a bit. Tread carefully though. Good luck.

Well I think there's nothing wrong with showing children that there are a variety of ways to live and conduct one's relationships, and that you can have extramarital sex, for instance, without it being a disaster. It's when people tell their children that heterosexual monogamy is the only real option but don't actually behave monogamously, that the children have problems.

i agree madamez- i wouldn't do it for 2 reasons though 1. I only want my DH

1. Before we had kids, when i was younger, DH encouraged me to explore my sexuality with regards to women, as i'm bisexual. I had a few encounters, but then had a very bad experience when some 'friends' found out, and told basically everyone we know that i was a slag, taking advantage of DH (then my DP) and all manner of horrible rumours and comments. It was so awful, i wouldn't want my kids involved in any of that.

I want my kids to know there are lots of ways to live, but i've chosen to be monogomous since i was about 19 / 20.

I have a very low sex drive, I thought it was possibly related to my crap marriage...
My H works abroad, and comes home a few weeks a year. I found out on his last visit that I have chlamydia, so obviously he has a 'buddy'.
I am still contemplating divorce but am ok with things as I have wanted out of the marriage for a while.

However, I got myself into a situation last week where lust nearly took over. I amazed myself at the feelings I have, that I really have not felt for years.

So what I am trying to say, is that I believe a low or zero sex drive may be a pointer to bigger relationship issues. So if you want to save your relationship, look at the causes, not the sypmtom, ie lack of libido.

Hi White tulips
really sorry to hear that you have chlamydia.
Whilst I might be contemplating being 'unfaithful' (at this point theoretically) I would never condone anyone putting their DP's health at risk.
I do indeed think my DP has 'issues'but I genuinely don't believe it is the state of our relationship, I think nit is a bit more deep seated than that, and sadly he has ,made it very clear thst he does not wish to explore or try to resolve these issues.
At the moment its the lack of physical intimacy itself that is eating away our relationship. I really do believe that for most people sex is a normal, healthy, drive that we feel we want to satisfy.

I wish you all the best, I hope you can find someone fantastic to rediscover that goddess within!

Thanks advice please! I didn't know I still had an inner goddess, but am quite pleased she is alive
I just don't want to rediscover the goddess with my H.
I am only saying this to give you something else to consider.

tbh if he is refusing to explore his issues, and they are causing you distress ie with the lack of intimacy, it is going to be difficult to continue long term for both of you. And you do need to think about the impact on your ds.

It all sounds sadly too familiar, to me, it is just how my problems started, and we are now at the point that we do not communicate at all about anything.
I wish you well, and hope that you can resolve things somehow.

adviceplease... I feel for you so much. I am in your position but I am many many years down the line. How you wrote your OP is how I would have done after a few years without intimacy. I hadn't at that stage contemplated anything outside the marriage but I did feel like you.

It is soul destroying. Yes, of course, it is lovemaking/sex that you miss but you yearn for the whole package... kissing, cuddling, touching and intimacy. Without that you shrivel up inside. I didn't feel like a proper woman.. I put on a lot of weight and I felt ugly and revolting. My DH is a very decent man and a good father but he can't 'do' physical. I 'buried' myself as a woman and concentrated on being a good mother and wife/friend to my DH. This was not the right thing to do because the feeling does not go away... I learned how to not think of it and convinced myself I could be celibate for the rest of my life. (I have always had a very high sex drive BTW so not easy!)

Fast forward many many years (too embarrassed to say how many...) and it came back and bit me on the bum. I lost an enormous amount of weight and suddenly liked how I looked and then I met somebody. Before I get flamed... I know it was wrong but if you have lived without intimacy for an extremely long time, whilst in the prime of your life, it hits you like a sledgehammer. It was the most uncontrollable thing I have ever had to deal with and there was no stopping the inevitable. The first time I had sex I cried and cried as I remembered what I had missed. And as it is still ongoing, I have to live with the guilt which is so very hard.

DH and I have been to Relate. I have told him chapter and verse but he thinks the affair has finished. He cannot and will not get any more help so I have to live with a celibate life with him.

Before anyone says 'leave him',the truth is, I don't really want to. I like and respect him and my, now older, DCs would be totally and utterly devestated. Without going into detail which might identify me, he is also very very reliant on me and I don't know if I could live with the guilt if I left him. We share common values and enjoy a reasonable life but I think the love on my part has died because it has been killed by years of constant rejection. BTW I don't try and initiate sex any more cos there is only so much rejection a person can take.

After all this rambling.. the things I want to say are...
All you MNers whose DHs fancy the pants off you - please revel in that.
I wish on MN that posters would realise life is not black and white but shades of grey too.
And Advicepleasemums... don't do what I did and leave it for a great number of years. Tackle the problem with your DH now. I wish I had.

namechangealso-just to say I think you are brave to post here- I know it's anon- but just to see it in black and white.

I know you must feel guilty- but you seem to have found a livable solution.

Namechange thank you for your post, it made me for you and for myself too as I can imagine myself in your position X years down the line.

There is a part of me that thinks it would be 'best' all round if I left Dp, but realistically you don't just walk out of one relationship and straight into another, happier one do you? I could end up single long term or in another relationship which fulfilled the sexual needs but was crap in other ways.

And of course my Ds, I have to consider him above all else.

I know that my Dp would never 'agree' to my seeking fulfilment with someone else, he would not be able to logically think well I don't want to have sex with therefore it is only fair to let her find someone else'. I think he would go absolutely mad. His ex left him for another man and he really lost it over that even though they were (by all accounts) miserable together.

Hence it would have to be a secret, with no real way of him finding out.

This is so difficult.

Namechange- how did your Dh react when he found out you were seeing someone? have you felt you might fallin love with the other man?

hls... thank you. A liveable solution maybe.. but its not a proper solution. I just think of it as a sticking plaster solution.

Adviceplease... you are right, you don't just walk out of one r'ship and into another happier one and sex isn't everything BUT it is one you are not getting it! (I am trying to laugh about it all... not easy )

I was so so surprised at my DHs reaction to him finding out by me telling him. He told me that he sort of guessed I was having an affair because I was happier . Now isn't that a strange thing to say. From the day I told him to this day... he has not asked one question about it. How long it lasted, what it meant or anything. He knows no details whatsoever.. for all he knows it could have been a one night stand. He doesn't seem to want to know. I imagine he feels he has no right to ask as he has rejected me physically for so long.

I stopped the affair and tried to put my marriage right with Relate. I have poured my heart out to DH. He knows what this all means to me. But... nothing has changed and the relationship has started again with other man. I don't know about falling in love TBH. There is a big emotional connection for sure. I feel so guilty even typing this as I am a very private person.

I have lived with this on my own totally for many many years and kept up a facade of having a healthy loving sexual relationship with DH. It was The Great Unspoken Subject for a long time - not good. And it is becoming that again cos I can't find a solution to this unsolveable problem.

advicepleasemums... have you anyone in RL you can talk to? If there is no-one you can talk about it with, friends/family etc., I feel for you greatly. Keeping up the facade is so very hard.

NCA: it sounds like your DH has no libido and is in fact content for you to satisfy yours elsewhere as long as his nose isn't rubbed in it. And a liveable solution to a problem is a good solution. It might be the best you'll get. There's no guarantee of being any happier if you a)try to force yourself into celibacy b) leave your DH c) try to force him into increasing his libido and all of those three sound worse than the option you have chosen.

I don't think there can be any one-size-fits-all solution to this kind of problem, any more than any other kind of problem, because there are always so many other factors involved (is the celibate partner controlling, mean, selfish? Did the partners deliberately choose a comfortable, practical relationship over a passionate one at some point and now find it isn't so good after all? Is the non-sex-wanting partner getting it elsewhere? Are there depression or other health issues going on?) Sometimes ending the relationship would be the best choice, sometimes it wouldn't. But it's always worth being aware of all the possible options.

I agree madamez but, and its a big but... I feel cheated. When I took my marriage vows I didn't sign up for this. I have taken the best option for me at the moment but its not really what I would have chosen for me. All those years ago on my wedding day, I had no idea I would have this problem. Maybe I was just idealistic and imagined everyone had a sex drive like me!

I can force myself into celibacy because I have. I have given up the best years of my life to be celibate, not through choice.

I better stop now... I am beginning to sound bitter!
Thank you madamez for your perspective on it.

namechangealso- would it help to accept that we can't get everything we want in one person- we all need our girlfriends etc for what we don't get from our marriage.

You could look at it like that- except you are getting something physical, rather than emotional.

I know how you feel- if you look back over the posts, you will see that I had a relationship like this but wasn't married.

Now, I've got the opposite- a DH who cares deeply for me and wants me, but I just don't fancy him any more...and he doesn't "ignite me" mentally or emotionally either. But I do care about him, and wouldn't want to split for the sake of the kids- although they are now adults.

Human relationships are just so complicated.

I hope you find happiness- maybe something will come along which you don't expect and you will find an answer.

I am sorry advicepleasemums - I have hijacked your thread a little!

hls.. yes you are right. But it is not in my nature to cheat or deceive and I don't really like myself for it.
And there also has to be somewhat of an emotional connection for the physical to happen. And there is.
I have read your story and sympathise. In a way it is a similar situation, becaue I also care greatly for my DH - I must do or I wouldnt still be here! The same for you maybe.
I do analyse and over-analyse at times cos as you say ... human relationships are so complicated.

I can only repeat that I am so glad I said something to my H when I did and that he, like me, decided that he wanted to get things right. I fell for you all because I do know what you are going through, though I don't know how it must be to be rejected whilst being told you can't get what you crave elsewhere. I really hope things work out for all of you because the thought of being so unhappy for the rest of your lives must be unbearable.