Does your partner take care of you if you are ill?

[Jazzicatz]

I am 52 and going through perimenopause, with one of the symptoms being extremely heavy periods. Yesterday I came on and throughout the night I had to keep getting up to change my pads and mooncup due to flooding. This morning around 7.30am I woke up flooded again and asked my partner to get me a towel, which he did and since this, nothing. He is working from home, hasn’t come to see if I am okay, or even offered a drink or anything, in spite of the fact I can barely move and am really weak from the blood loss. So, my question is, if you are unwell does your partner look after you?

Yes of course. We look after each other. Ask him for what you need.

Yes of course my partner looks after me when I’m not 100%. All depends on what’s wrong but that would be by offering me medicine, lemsips, heat pads, food, a cuddle etc.

We look after each other yes but in your context I don’t know that my husband or I would have behaved differently to your husband.

I also have heavy periods and my husband doesn’t “help” with them outside of grabbing supplies from the shop if needed really, I don’t need any other help so he wouldn’t know to offer. If I did need extra help during then I would ask him and he’d absolutely do whatever I needed though.

If he’s working from home he’s still at work, I also work from home and most days even if my husband was upstairs in bed I wouldn’t have had a chance to go up and check on him before lunchtime.

If you want something ask him
Otherwise he's at work. I'd expect him to cone and see how you are on his lunch though.

Yes my DP looks after me.
Is doing a sterling job of this whilst I going through some nasty medical stuff. Hes really had to step up.

But I like to be left alone when not well so I'm probably not an easy patient. I tend to ask if I need anything.

And my DP thinks lucozade is a cure-all

Yes my husband is kind and considerate. Sorry that your partner seems lacking in this way. Perhaps he's under some extreme stress at work?

He's working. Would you expect him to rush back from the office to look after you if he wasn't working from home?

If you see him and want a drink then just ask for one.

Only if it's wrapped in orange cellophane!

My take on this is that he doesn't view heavy periods as 'ill '. Most men would rather not deal with anything to do with periods! You said yourself he's working from home - working means not constantly checking on you.

If you are so weak from blood loss then you need to seek medical assistance.

My partner is much better at looking after me when unwell than I am him.

I think after 10+ years of single parenting and uncompromising single life more generally, I lack empathy with grown adults who need to be fawned over. I would clarify that I certainly don't expect anyone to fawn over me when I'm unwell either.

Rightly or wrongly, my experience is that if you're unwell you either need to

1. crack on
2. go to bed and return when you're healed
3. seek medical attention if needed.

Short of checking you're alive and hydrated every hour or two, I can't help much with any of those options. My partner is just naturally more inclined to check in and offer trips to the shop and soothing words than I am.

I'm not as cold-hearted than the above makes me sound. I do check-in and offer some sympathy every so often but I'm definitely no loss to the nursing profession.

Edit: the above refers to colds/man flus/ general illness - not anything serious!

My DP looks after my really well when I'm ill - as I do for him.

If you are seriously feeling so weak from the blood loss, you need medical help. I have endo / PCOS and lose way more blood than people, however never to the point of feeling so weak that I can barely move.

Yes I'm ill atm I have a horrendous cold/flu thing and yes he's been looking after me although he hasn't been fussing I don't like fussing about paracetamol or whatever he will get me something if I ask or offer if he's making tea.

When I had periods and was in the throws of menopause bleeding I don't think he would have come and see me during the day he probably wouldn't realise how bad it is.

And yes if you are weak from blood loss go to your Gp don't suffer, and just wear pads faffing with a moon cup must be horrendous.

Thanks all for the reality check.

I was reminiscing the other day with my siblings how we knew we were proper poorly when we were little because our Grandparents would appear on the doorstep with crinkly orange wrapped lucozade bottles - total decadence..

Yes he does, very well.
It is one of the reasons I hold him in high regard.
What is he generally like?
Does he not get it?
Woild he respond well if you told him you felt weak?

If he knows you feel awful and carrys on, then that is a total deal breaker.

One of my sports friends was married 25 years and her husband has always been a hard arse about getting on with it, both with her and their children.
Any weakness is a sign you are a bit of a wuss and he had zero tolerance or understanding.

She remained married to him and her children are now grown.
She got Covid before the vaccine and was very sick.
Her friends stepped up with care packages for her left at the door, which she duly picked up.
He took isolating very seriously and left her to it, staying in their campervan.

He caught it a week later and she took this opportunity to stay with her single sister nearby, and left him to it.

He text her several times and she told him crack on just like she did, which was most unlike her.
He has long Covid and they are divorcing.
She was surprised at the huge resentment that came out of nowhere when it looked like she would have to really care for him, and realised their marriage is over.
He is genuinely devastated.

He has very slowly improved but she doesn't want to be around him.
She doesn't want to care for someone whose attitude was get on with it for decades so she told him it was best they split.
He's not a bad man, just selfish.

Funnily enough his children are more like their mum and understand her position and don't have much sympathy for him.
He has lost 80% of his sense of taste and is very tired at times. It has been a huge adjustment in his life.

I couldn't have remained married as she did for all those years.

Covid showed up a lot of cracks in long marriages.

If I'm not well he will pick up the slack with the kids and things that need doing round the house. He'll let me go and lie in bed and bring me drinks etc. Obviously if he's at work he can't and I'll just muddle through.

I tend to retreat when unwell but if I ask for something then he does it happily

It was sooo much better with the cellophane and dimples.😂I think that cured many an ailment when I was wee.

I reckon it was just rammed with sugar It definitely doesn't taste as nice, although it might have been the glass bottle but it doesn't hit the same as it used to.

In the situation like you're describing my DH wouldn't actively think to fetch me anything or bring me a drink no....if I asked him he would.

A lot of men are often quite black and white in their thinking...if she hasn't asked me, then she is fine sort of mindset.

And I don't mean to be unsympathetic but I assume you don't have small children to take care of, so you can just focus on yourself right now....what would you do if he was in the office?

Yes, he does when I'm ill. I'm not sure how much he could do about heavy period though. Have you been to the GP?

Where have you been since 7 when he got you a towel-it's quite feasible that if you've been in bed, that he's letting you sleep or if you're up and about, he assumed you're fine. If he's working, he's probably busy! Are you working as well?

He's always looked after me when I wasn't well. My parents lived nearby and my mum would come to help if she heard I was ill. Often this was more a case of getting in the way but her big contribution was keeping the girls busy when they were little. Actual caring was mainly DH, bad enough being taken to the toilet and cleaned by him let alone my mum.