Being told I'm going on holiday

[RoseInBloome7]

Ok, I appreciate that for a lot of people having a holiday is a luxury .

Back story : Been with DH for 16 years, have 14 yr old DS .

Red flags started waving after DS was born . Me doing everything with crushing PND , never being listened to. He voluntarily went back to work when DS was three days old leaving me to struggle . He'd come in from work and declare he wasn't doing any childcare this evening as he'd had a hectic day Er.... I was literally doing everything.

Anyway , I'd had enough five years ago. Coercive control , silent treatment. If I went out ( rarely ) with friends it was a problem .

I filled out the divorce application and sought legal advice . I didn't send as he found it two days later and went ballistic. He said if I ever do that , he'd pull DS out of private school and I would ruin his life .

The following day we locked down for Covid so I just kept quiet and got on ( both frontline workers )

My lovely mum sadly passed away the following year . My dad then got dementia and I look after him with my DB and carers ( he lives 25 miles away so frequently see him as work PT) .

It's been a horrible time . Dad then got admitted to hospital following a fall in a hospital 60 miles away from me . I'd drive over on my days off and DH would be texting me DS was missing me and it's not fair on him as he misses him mummy . WTF

I'd get home to a sink full of dirty dishes and not a question about how dad was etc . Nothing .

DH has announced this evening ' we are all going on holiday abroad '

I haven't been asked , just told so I can skivvy somewhere else whilst being talked at constantly . He said to DS ' are you excited we are all going on holiday ?'

DS is so excited . I haven't even got the time off work or requested it as the thought of going fills me with dread and I just want to cry .

He refuses to discuss divorce / or just walks off and says he'll take DS out of school as we can't afford school fees if not together.

I'm just so stressed . When I tell DS I'm not going to, he will play the victim and DH will be even worse .....

Thank you for listening..... that was long !

1. You don’t need to discuss getting divorced you can just do it.
2. Changing schools will not ruin DS’s life. If it does upset DS it will be DH’s doing and he may not follow through.DS will be all he has.
3. You only have one life, don’t spend it with an arsehole.
4. DS can go on holiday with his dad. You “can’t get time off work”.

Oh gosh. Just get going with that divorce!
So what if he takes your son out of school - it’s not the end of the world. Anyway that will be his doing if he follows through. You can’t be held to ransom.

Please seek advice from Women’s Aid and get your life back. Sounds a miserable existence. And definitely don’t go on the holiday.

Let him take ds on his own in holiday.

It sounds like you could use the break in all honesty.

He is using your child as a threat to make you stay. Try read your post as if someone else wrote it.

You don't need to discuss the divorce. You can just go ahead and do it. Your ds will be better off living out of a toxic environment, whether he moves schools or not. Sometimes we stay for the children but inadvertently do more damage to them by staying.

He's threatening the school fees to keep you in line. Better to role model to your DS that you don't settle in sub standard relationships.

Changing schools is a far better thing to subject your DS to than the example you are setting him by staying with this coercive bully.

You do not need his permission to divorce him. By staying you are just subjecting yourself and your DS to more misery. As hard as it is, you need to rip off the Band-Aid. Unless you want to stay with him forever, he will always try to threaten something. Best get it over and done with so you can get on with living your life without him.

Just divorce the cunt. Your son will be fine, even if your husband is a big enough prick to punish him for your choices.

@autisticbookworm is right. Calmly tell DH you’re looking at state schools and you’re not going on holiday. You’re grieving your Mum, caring for your Dad - you don’t want to leave your Dad with carers. You’ve been through an awful lot. Don’t be pushed around.

I agree - the fees are only a threat if you act threatened. Tell them to have a great holiday. You don’t need your DH’s permission to divorce, because it is not the 19th century.

FFS, talk to your brother. When you are just about to leave, get him to call with a sudden “emergency” with your Dad that requires you to stay. Use the time DH is away to get your shit together to GTF out of there. Get the paperwork you need, book a solicitor, etc. Speak to women’s aid first and find out what you need to do. Hopefully you can be living elsewhere when DH comes back.

Your ds is preparing for GCSE right now. So if you can withdraw from you dh and keep going until GCSE is finished then that would be great. Is this possible?

The holiday issue is small, I would just tell my ds that my father was in hospital and I needed to care for him. I also need my job, for financial reasons. Your father can take you and I would be very happy for you. I would be your cheerleader while you spend precious father and son time together. And I spend precious father and daughter time with my father. You would always be in my heart, have fun.

OP please just divorce the asshole. If it is GCSE year worth waiting until that's done.

School changes not the worst thing my DD after being in private school is now really excited about going to the local 6th form college in Sept.

Change can be good!

Please show your DC that being in a shit relationship does not have to be the default

What do you mean your son will "play the victim"?

What school year is your son in?

OP I have a friend in a marriage like this. He acts like he despises her but now she has filed for divorce he is outraged. To be losing his punching bag.
I do get the mother guilt. I stayed for ten years because one of mine was always going through exams and then there was Covid. Once you’re out of the situation you’ll see more clearly. You matter too. Your son will cope. Your husband is blackmailing you so call his bluff. If he takes DS out of school that’s him choosing to do that not you. You can’t control him so give up.
And of course don’t go on the holiday. Don’t lie. Just tell him you don’t want to!

If your DS is in Year 9 it is the ideal time to pull out if school if you have to. The GCSE work is Years 10 & 11. Don't ruin you life because of a threat. Tell your soon to be ex DH that you are not going on holiday and are leaving him. Life will be hard but for how much longer do you sacrifice yourself and your sanity.

Wow, thank you for all of your replies !

My son starts his GCSEs this September

If I decline to go anywhere with them ie day trip etc , DS will say I ruin everything but on reflection I think that's a learned behaviour from his dad

Not to minimise anything else but removal from school if he’s in year 10 would be a disaster - the exam boards would have to match his current exam boards for every single subject or he will be way behind (spoiler alert, they won’t).

If he’s year 10, for his sake I think you really do need to push through until the end of year 11. Realistically that’s only until one day into the Jan term of year 11, as full term notice period will then cover you until the end of year 11. Conversely, if he’s year 9, you need to move him ASAP rather than risking him getting stuck in year 10.

Please don’t underestimate the consequences of a year 10 move on his GCSEs.

In terms of private school fees being used as a tool - can you actually afford them while paying for 2 separate homes, or is your husband actually speaking the truth here? Albeit delivering in a coercive way.

I know a few years ago, we genuinely couldn’t have afforded 2 homes and school fees, so any decision to separate even in the most amicable way would have meant the children leaving their schools.

Your son will be fine post GCSE in a local college. Some children actually prefer the change of setting for A Levels anyway.

With regard to the holiday, just tell him you can’t get the leave.

It’s a good time to move schools, then. Get yourself away from this man.

DS will realise one day. Call DH’s bluff. Initiate the divorce. You’re not a passive victim.

Just with regard to your son’s comments and it seeming as though he sides with his dad. At his age, he will be able to choose who he lives with - if you leave, you won’t be able to drag him with you kicking and screaming. From your initial post, I assumed he would be relieved if you left, but the subsequent one suggests that at least for now, you’ve stayed in the environment for so long that the damage may be done and he may want to stay with his dad. No court will rule against that at his age.

That doesn’t mean leaving is the wrong thing, but again, just something that may not have occurred to you.

its March - if DS is in Y9 he’ll be fine starting a new school in September.

Your husband isn’t going to get any better and whilst you’re still together, your son will continue to learn by watching his dad treating his mum like shit. Leaving private school will not ruin his life.
Leave your horrible husband and let your son see you thrive without the abuse.

Is this not perhaps the wake up call you need to show your ds this is not acceptable. Look at what you are teaching your ds. That is is okay to treat his mother like this. I know I am being harsh now, but he is already following in his fathers footsteps.

Be really bright and breezy about the holiday. 'Oh sorry, I can't get that week off, but I'm sure you'll have a lovely time...'

Be really positive about their boy's holiday, it will make it much harder for your H to cancel and blame you if you're saying stuff like ' I'm really pleased that you and DS get the chance for some quality time together ' and tell everyone about H and DS's holiday plans.

Work out how much in savings will be required for DS to finish school and your solicitor can factor that in to negotiations. Work out how much equity is in your house and are there any savings you know about?

Would your Dad be able to help with school fees at all?