Being told I'm going on holiday

[RoseInBloome7]

Ok, I appreciate that for a lot of people having a holiday is a luxury .

Back story : Been with DH for 16 years, have 14 yr old DS .

Red flags started waving after DS was born . Me doing everything with crushing PND , never being listened to. He voluntarily went back to work when DS was three days old leaving me to struggle . He'd come in from work and declare he wasn't doing any childcare this evening as he'd had a hectic day Er.... I was literally doing everything.

Anyway , I'd had enough five years ago. Coercive control , silent treatment. If I went out ( rarely ) with friends it was a problem .

I filled out the divorce application and sought legal advice . I didn't send as he found it two days later and went ballistic. He said if I ever do that , he'd pull DS out of private school and I would ruin his life .

The following day we locked down for Covid so I just kept quiet and got on ( both frontline workers )

My lovely mum sadly passed away the following year . My dad then got dementia and I look after him with my DB and carers ( he lives 25 miles away so frequently see him as work PT) .

It's been a horrible time . Dad then got admitted to hospital following a fall in a hospital 60 miles away from me . I'd drive over on my days off and DH would be texting me DS was missing me and it's not fair on him as he misses him mummy . WTF

I'd get home to a sink full of dirty dishes and not a question about how dad was etc . Nothing .

DH has announced this evening ' we are all going on holiday abroad '

I haven't been asked , just told so I can skivvy somewhere else whilst being talked at constantly . He said to DS ' are you excited we are all going on holiday ?'

DS is so excited . I haven't even got the time off work or requested it as the thought of going fills me with dread and I just want to cry .

He refuses to discuss divorce / or just walks off and says he'll take DS out of school as we can't afford school fees if not together.

I'm just so stressed . When I tell DS I'm not going to, he will play the victim and DH will be even worse .....

Thank you for listening..... that was long !

That is sad op. I think at 14yo your son is already affected by this toxic dynamic. I can see that you feel trapped. Will be really pull ds out of school? And would that be the worst thing?

That's so true . After mum passed away , I put on lots of weight through comfort eating ( now lost some of it!)

DS will make fat shaming comments as does his dad.

So you are staying with a horrific man who you hate because of your son who tries to control you and fat shames you? I am all for sacrificing some happiness for the wellbeing of your children, but in this case you have sacrificed for too long so now you have ended up with a son who has learnt that mum doesn't deserve respect or kindness. Don't let this go on for any longer, your son will be a terrible partner when he grows up if you allow him to get away with this.

I honestly think that the damage is done now and that you should leave your DS with his father and go.

Possibly, once he realises his father is an ar*e, he might come back to you.

But otherwise, you're facing years more of misery and even more brainwashing of your son.

I do think the damage is done to DS. I'm kicking myself I didn't get out sooner .... head in the sand to keep the peace .

Ironically , in the past I've had no issues leaving disrespectful men but that was before I had a child .

You only get one life, my love. Salvage a bit of what's left. Sending you a big, big hug. XX

He's 14. There is time for him to be taught respect. Don't write him off that this is how it will always be.

He doesn't seem to respect you right now (or otherwise he would not say these things). 14 is a difficult age for a boy anyway, trying to find their way in an adult world. But if he has time spent alone time with you, he doesn't have the gang leader with him gunning for you.

I think you may find cutting out the main problem, might go a long way to sorting out this one too.

When I got divorced, my ds then 15 tended to go into the man of the house mode, and started saying some things which was just his fathers words out of another mouth. I did sit down and talked it out with him, explained that this was not going to fly in this new situation, and then we had to work together (with my dd too) if we want to live in a calm house. It took a lot of pressure off him as well, and it wasn't long after that, that things just fell into a new normal and we all tick along just fine.

It is just so very nice to never hear harsh words or raised voices in our house now.

I'd stay home and file while he's gone. That gives you time to secure documents, get copies of all financials, and so on

So your kid doesn't go to private school because his dad's being vindictive. Public school isn't the end of the world.

You've already taught DS how to treat you and other women by staying. Time to change that viewpoint.

You don't need to discuss divorce, it's not something he has to agree to. He's obviously rooting through your stuff if he found your divorce info.

I would reset to factory settings and clean your tech. Change all passwords.

He'll hide his finances from you as well so you might need a forensic accountant. You've already had legal advice so you've had advice on selling the house and assets.

Why can't he take your child on holiday and you can organise the divorce? Say you can't get the time off.

You're an adult, nobody can 'tell' you that you're going anywhere.

You need to start standing up to him and stop letting him use things like your kid's school to trap you in a relationship that clearly hasn't been good for some time.

If school fees are really what are holding you back then you could look at sticking it out for 2 more years and then leaving.

But be honest op, in 2 more years your kid is going to be even further entrenched - if you leave now and gain majority custody you have a chance of parenting your child with less of an influence from his father. It is only going to get worse not better. If you're divorced at least you can build a case of parental alienation against your H if he continues to turn your son against you.

Either way, I wouldn't stay another minute in this awful relationship.

Is the holiday booked? If so I'd say you absolutely cannot get the time off work, end of and don't go. You can explain to your son Dad booked it without checking and you can't get the time off work.

Then I'd file for divorce for the day he returns. If you're in the UK you don't need his permission to divorce him.

The holiday isn't booked but he was discussing it in great detail with his parents this evening . Everything has to be discussed with his parents first .

A very weird enmeshment .

I said I wasn't going as I was looking after the cat . He raised his eyebrows and voice slightly ...... you are going

That is when you should have said - no I’m not. Although not getting g time off work would have been a better response.

He can’t drag you on the plane, just remember that. Get in first, make it clear to DS that you can’t go, and deal breezily with any snarky comments from him. And then divorce this vile man.

This is something you will need to consider. You may find that there have been little conversations about mummy breaking up the family etc and sadly it's something that is difficult to undo. Your husband needs someone to blame in life as well as an emotional punchbag - get away from that and ensure that your son doesn't treat you the same way. There is a risk that your son will stay with his dad, no doubt swayed by not having to change schools. You need to think of yourself, you can't support your son if you're struggling.

I would go to the airport with a metal teaspoon in my undies and go through security. It’s a well-recognised sign of duress. They will “take you away” to a separate room and you can get their help to get the fuck out of there.

Thank you all.

Nothing else has been mentioned about any holiday .

I'm now getting the silent treatment from both of them for daring to go out with friends for the day .

Time for a big change ......

Good for you OP. People will only treat you the way you let them. Enforce your boundaries. Enough is enough!

He's 14. He knows that this is wrong. He sounds like your DH's 'mini me'. If you don't feel that you can leave due to the private school issue, just behave as though you are separated. Do not go on the holiday with them. Your son is not a small child who will miss his mummy. He is complicit in your abuse with his father.

Give your son an alternative to being his father's mini-me.

While you all live together, it's a good self-preservation tactic to take his domineering, abusive dad's side. It's not a conscious decision, it's just safest.

If you leave his dad, at least you'll be showing him that
a. partners you bully/abuse will leave you
b. partners who bully/abuse can be left
c. family life shouldn't look like this

And you give him a safe home and space where he can safely express love and learn respect for you. Not saying it will work, as he may be too conditioned by his dad to change behaviour right now, but at least you'll have a chance and so will he, to unlearn those damaging lessons.

He's 14. He knows that this is wrong.

I think it's harsh to say he's complicit.

He's been brought up in this dynamic and it has been normalised and modelled to him his whole life.

It's also far safer as a child to pacify and fawn over the abusive parent than it is to take a stand against them. Heck, adult woman OP has placated and appeased thus far. Currently the choice is be like dad, the big man who gets what he wants, or be victimised like mum.

Let DS be disappointed and let P be angry. Let them. They can go together and you can sort things out for yourself and have some headspace.

File that divorce paper.

Absolutely. You’ll damage your don so much more by staying and you’re showing him that a) it’s okay for people to behave as your not-so-DH does, and b) it’s ojsybto accept it. Of course neither a) nor b) is true . It’s SO hard but putting g it off makes it even harder- in my experience- and allows not- so - DH behaviour to deteriorate. Please grab your good life while you’re young.