Ended an affair

Amidelusional · 2025-03-03T21:44:26+00:00

I ended a affair today. He was married, I'm not. Met at work and he's 10 years older with grown up children (I'm mid 40s). It's been physical for a few months, but lots of messaging before this. I'm heartbroken, but I know I have no one else to blame but myself. I believe the feelings were real for both of us, but maybe I'm just kidding myself. There was none of the "my wife doesn't understand me" stuff, just an overwhelming connection, unlike anything I've experienced before. I know OW get a lot of shit on here (with good reason). Maybe I'm looking for a dose of reality, I don't know. Or some hope that this will pass and I'll get over him. We're not in the same office so low risk of having to see each other, thankfully

Alwaystired23 · 03/03/2025 21:48

Why did you end it? I think you've done the right thing. I'm not judging, but in the long term, it wouldn't have worked out and caused a lot of heartache to everyone involved. Don't go back, only forward now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2025 21:49

It will pass and you’ll get over him in time. Get a new job.

Maitri108 · 03/03/2025 21:51

You have to remember the bigger picture; no matter how fantastic it all feels, he's sleeping with two women and stabbing one of them in the back.

His wife has probably put him first all her life and doesn't deserve this. He lacks integrity and I doubt you're the first.

Look to building your self esteem and making better choices.

NC28 · 03/03/2025 21:52

Get yourself an STD check. You won’t have been the only one.

Original poster

Amidelusional · 03/03/2025 21:56

Thanks. I know you're all right. I ended it as I felt like my feelings were getting too deep and I couldn't handle it in the context of the situation we were in. He'd had doubts too I found out relating to an issue with him not being around for a family member going through a crisis because he was with me. If it was all using and lies then it was very believable. I guess everyone having an affair feels that their situation is different though

OP posts:

Timeistightagain · 03/03/2025 22:05

Why would you want or value a " connection" with a liar and a cheat?

You won't be the only OW he has had a " connection" with.

His poor wife.

Sashya · 03/03/2025 22:08

It's a good thing you stopped - self-preservation is a powerful force.
What is your story - are you divorced? Dating? Office attractions are common - as this is where we spend a lot of time, and tend to have a lot in common with colleagues.
As to him - 50s and kids out of the house is a trying time for many marriages. Many do break up, as people have grown apart while raising kids.

All you can do now is live your life as you did before meeting him. Get busy. See friends, go to the gym, date. If the connection you felt is genuine - he'll be back. But he'll need to sort out his relationship first.

GretaGarboDog · 03/03/2025 22:11

A pointless waste of time.

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 03/03/2025 22:16

You’ve done the right thing.
Don’t go back there.
It will be a lot harder to break it off the longer the affair goes on.
It destroys marriages and families and is the most painful thing I’ve ever had to deal with (finding out my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for 5 years, I don’t know that I will ever get over the massive betrayal)
Find yourself somebody who’s available.

Original poster

Amidelusional · 04/03/2025 07:34

Sashya · 03/03/2025 22:08

It's a good thing you stopped - self-preservation is a powerful force.
What is your story - are you divorced? Dating? Office attractions are common - as this is where we spend a lot of time, and tend to have a lot in common with colleagues.
As to him - 50s and kids out of the house is a trying time for many marriages. Many do break up, as people have grown apart while raising kids.

All you can do now is live your life as you did before meeting him. Get busy. See friends, go to the gym, date. If the connection you felt is genuine - he'll be back. But he'll need to sort out his relationship first.

Separated with a small child. There wasn't much communication or care in my relationship even though we got on ok and I suppose my AP gave me what I've been lacking. I really believe that it was genuine on his part, but then he must be a good liar and have a lack of empathy to be able to do what he did

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Lurkingandlearning · 04/03/2025 07:51

Amidelusional · 04/03/2025 07:34

Separated with a small child. There wasn't much communication or care in my relationship even though we got on ok and I suppose my AP gave me what I've been lacking. I really believe that it was genuine on his part, but then he must be a good liar and have a lack of empathy to be able to do what he did

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Falling for someone often addles the mind, I think even more so when it’s an affair. And that’s why it’s only now occurring to you that he is a good liar and lacking empathy. You knew he was very good at lying to his wife and had no empathy for her. But you also had no empathy for his wife. When you feel sad and miss him just remind yourself what a shabby man he is.

Sashya · 04/03/2025 12:26

Amidelusional · 04/03/2025 07:34

Separated with a small child. There wasn't much communication or care in my relationship even though we got on ok and I suppose my AP gave me what I've been lacking. I really believe that it was genuine on his part, but then he must be a good liar and have a lack of empathy to be able to do what he did

Show quote history

It's tough, and we all seek human connection. And sometimes people meet and click, irrespective of their life circumstances.

I have no doubt there was real chemistry and attraction between the two of you. And you both gave each other something you needed at the time.
It is a nice feeling to be desired and getting to know a new person. It is sometimes called "new relationship energy". It feels good.

But seem that the realities of life came back into focus.

I don't know anything about him. It is of course possible that he does this every now and then, just for fun, just to keep life interesting.
Maybe it was a midlife crisis.
But it is also possible, that he is just an imperfect human, and genuinely fell for you. Long marriages do become stale and fizzle out. People tend not to divorce when that happens - because the upheaval is just too difficult.

But he did start slowing down when reality hit.
And so did you,

You don't need to think of him as some sort of terrible human being to move on. He certainly did not coerce you. You were just two people caught up in a less than idea situation. You both stopped.

You still have a lot of life in front of you and can still meet someone who you click and connect with.

wheretoyougonow · 04/03/2025 12:30

You did the right thing. Find a man that makes you his world. The heartbreak will pass

dottydodah · 04/03/2025 13:08

I think people having Affairs often take a lot of flak,Its all about the sex,he just wants a bit on the side etc.So many times its just wrong place wrong time .He loved you I expect in his own way.However it is very difficult to break up a home ,children ,pets and so on .You have done the right thing .Wives who have been faithful, are hurt for no reason. other than having invested too much time on their DC job etc and a couple lose their connection .

RedJamDoughnut · 04/03/2025 15:22

Most affairs are built on the work persona, not the real person.
He's a man willing to prioritise himself before his family, he is a sneaky cheating lier. It's not an attractive quality.
Be ready for the wrath of the wife when she finds out.

Pinktartanjamjar · 04/03/2025 15:26

Hope you’re ok OP 💐 marriages and relationships are not black and white.

You did the right thing for sure. No judgement from me. But please look after yourself x

Original poster

Amidelusional · 04/03/2025 15:28

Thanks for all of your replies. I think I was expecting more people to tell me that I'm a terrible person and maybe I was even looking for that. It would be easy to pin it all on him because he's the one that made the promises etc etc but I don't really buy that as I knew what I was getting into. It just really hurts. But I need to sit with it I think and know that it'll pass in time. I should probably start working on my relationship issues too, give therapy another go. Thanks again, reading your responses has been really helpful

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0ctavia · 04/03/2025 15:33

You’ve done the right thing. If your amazing connection and strong feelings for each other are real, then he will divorce his wife and be free to marry you.

in the meantime , get on with building a new life for yourself that puts you and your child first, not any man.

Pinktartanjamjar · 04/03/2025 15:35

@Amidelusional find a counsellor who you gel with - makes all the difference. Some of them will specialise in relationships, low self esteem and affairs etc. Speaking from experience 🫂

Alwaystired23 · 04/03/2025 15:55

I don't think you're a terrible person. Everyone makes mistakes. Unfortunately, life isn't as black and white and as clear-cut as we might like to think. The good thing is you've realised no good would come from it and have ended things.

pikkumyy77 · 04/03/2025 16:06

It couldn’t have any future so, in terms of your life, it was like putting off learning to cook in order to eat instant noodles. Tasty and filling in an emergency but ultimately not nutritious or sustainable.

Pinktartanjamjar · 04/03/2025 16:09

pikkumyy77 · 04/03/2025 16:06

It couldn’t have any future so, in terms of your life, it was like putting off learning to cook in order to eat instant noodles. Tasty and filling in an emergency but ultimately not nutritious or sustainable.

I love this! 🤣 I’m going to use this analogy. It’s brilliant

Thewookiemustgo · 04/03/2025 16:26

Hard to judge the feelings experienced in an affair because it’s a totally different situation to a ‘normal’ relationship and never gets out of the ‘dating’ phase. All feelings are heightened by the secret and forbidden nature of it all.
It’s usually a virtual ‘escape’ of some sort or an easier path to excitement for an avoidant person than addressing their issues, or a chance to revisit their single youth for older men.
Relationships that come out of affairs into reality are usually because one or parties genuinely wanted out of their relationships before the affair started. The affair is the way out.
Most affairs don’t progress to this though, because more often than not people don’t leave their primary partner when given a chance to stay, the affair was an exciting side dish to real life.
The feelings you’re missing are probably more to do with the situation than the man himself, the excitement, feeling of being chosen, secrecy, passion, longing etc. He’s just the embodiment of all the excitement and ego boost you were enjoying.
In stopping this you have done yourself a huge favour, men who do this are either already in a big mess emotionally, fanning a flagging ego in midlife crisis mode, or cynically just after a thrill and an escape from everyday life. It’s usually a nice fantasy for a while, but God forbid they have to lose their wife and change their lives for it.
Its a good thing that you ended it on your terms, there are threads on here from OW who are heartbroken and don’t understand how the guy can just vanish after all he said and did …because it hurts to see the truth behind the affair and the fact that although he thought he meant it during his secret time with them, back in the real world when with his wife and family it usually means very little.That’s why so many wives are blindsided by discovery, it really isn’t usually bad at home like they tell you it is and they act perfectly normally at home because that’s their normal, they do enjoy their home life but love the excitement and newness of the affair too. Compartmentalising the two lives kills the guilt and allows them to be two different people.
Most men in affairs enjoy the novelty and adulation but when pushed don’t want to upend their lives for it.
Either way you are better off without him.

Milosc · 04/03/2025 17:24

You were actively participating in abusing his wife, removing consent to her sexual health and ignoring what it would do to her mental stability. It was selfishness on your part. Sure, he would probably pick someone else if it wasn't you, but you had a choice to participate. This amazing connection was probably quite contrived on his part as he has masterminded a whole second life behind his wife's back. He is a great liar and actor to be so skillful in lying to his wife for so long while romancing you. He is not who you think he is. Get therapy to raise your self esteem and take time to sort yourself out. Affairs are calculated decisions, not unfortunate mistakes. That shows you who he really is which is someone with low morals and absolutely no loyalty. You are far better off rid of such a substandard man.

Orangesinthebag · 04/03/2025 17:58

He's a shit bag and you are well rid of him.
It was bad that you had an affair with him knowing he was married and I hope you feel guilty for your part in it, but he was the one knowingly lying to his wife & family & humiliating her.

And if he lied to her he may well have been lying to you too.
Move on and find someone who can be solely yours.