Ended an affair

[Amidelusional]

I ended a affair today. He was married, I'm not. Met at work and he's 10 years older with grown up children (I'm mid 40s). It's been physical for a few months, but lots of messaging before this. I'm heartbroken, but I know I have no one else to blame but myself. I believe the feelings were real for both of us, but maybe I'm just kidding myself. There was none of the "my wife doesn't understand me" stuff, just an overwhelming connection, unlike anything I've experienced before. I know OW get a lot of shit on here (with good reason). Maybe I'm looking for a dose of reality, I don't know. Or some hope that this will pass and I'll get over him. We're not in the same office so low risk of having to see each other, thankfully

If you posted as a man you would have been torn to shreds.

Tbf, I was just thinking that too

Hope you’re doing okay, OP. Try and stay strong, I’d imagine he will try and contact you very soon

Only on mumsnet do women get flowers for shagging married men.

Make sure you've blocked him too, as once he's done supporting his family member, he may try to circle back. Don't allow him the opportunity to weasel his way back.

I agree with you, I was being selfish. His ability to lie so easily was unnerving, but I ignored it. Surely it's possible for some men to have genuine feelings in these situations? It just doesn't feel like it was so contrived. Also, I always made sure he wore a condom and he said he wasn't sleeping with his wife (I know this was possibly a lie)

It’s possible he’s not sleeping with his wife but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s agreed to an open relationship. So it’s irrelevant really.

He might be back when he wants sex. Resist! You deserve a proper relationship, not all this sneaking about.

Well he was lying to his wife about not having sex with anyone else so what makes you think he wouldn’t tell you the exact same lie?

I know you desperately want it all to be true that he loves you but the sad truth is that it so often isn’t. It’s not always deliberate cynical lying about how he feels, in the excitement of the moment with you he probably thought he meant it, but sneaking around in an affair situation isn’t love, it’s a heady high brought about by the sneaking around itself and intensified by it being forbidden.
As to not having sex with his wife, I’d absolutely bet my house that’s not true.
You have proof that he lies easily to his wife, whom he made promises to and loves/ loved enough to marry and make a life with, you’re not her, you’re the affair partner. You’ve been around for ten minutes in comparison, your history together is a sneaky affair, not building something real out in the open. Why on earth do you think he wouldn’t lie to you?
“Actually I’m happy with my wife and just fancy sex on the side with you” said no man ever. They say what they know you want to hear I’m afraid, he has to portray the sad unhappy victim of circumstance for you to fall for him, not just a very much married man who fancies you, can see you’re open to it and can’t keep it in his pants.
The former can be seen as a nice unfortunate man, far more attractive than the second, who is a lying, amoral cliché. Make him ten or more years older than you and he’s King of the Lying Amoral Clichés.
You were far more likely to fall for it and get hoovered in and fall for the ‘nice’ guy than the cliché, nobody ever wants to think they fell for what is nearly always utter twaddle. But women do.
He’s not who you think he is, but then you’re going to take some convincing on that one.

'he said he wasn't sleeping with his wife (I know this was possibly a lie)'

They all say that.

Just use it as a learning experience, liars and cheats do not make good partners.

Did your ex cheat on you, if no how would you have felt if he'd have had a fling with someone 10yrs younger than you?

If he’d said “I love my wife and we still have sex, I just fancy a bit on the side” would you have slept with him? I’d wager not. And he knows this. He has manipulated you as much as he has manipulated his wife. The difference is you were aware it was going on. She is not. Cruel.

Just being nosy…as a single mum running a household and (I’m assuming) working full-time, how did you manage to find the time? 😂

What did he tell his wife? Late meetings/office dinners? Gym?

There was none of the "my wife doesn't understand me" stuff, just an overwhelming connection, unlike anything I've experienced before.

That is what you said in your first post indicating no marital issues and now you write:

Also, I always made sure he wore a condom and he said he wasn't sleeping with his wife (I know this was possibly a lie)

So the story changed to my wife isn't having sex with me and there re problems but it can't be both. He just spins lie after lie to get you in bed and it worked. I am quite sure he went home and told his wife how much he loved her and had sex with her as well. It sounds like he will say anything to get what he wants which was to have sex with you and he got his way. He sounds lovely 🙄

You want to believe his feelings were genuine but you know he is a liar. Any man who really cares for you won't marginalize and reduce you into being their side piece. Stop trying to justify why it was okay. It wasn't and never will be justified no matter how you twist it. It was cruel and you helped him hurt his wife.

I had an affair in the past and for both of us the feelings were very real. I left my husband because I couldn't stay with him while loving someone else. He stayed where he was for years but many years later and a long time since we had stopped seeing each other, my AP did leave his wife. We are in each others lives as friends and occasional lovers, have a genuine connection, are mad about each other in lots of ways but our history means that it is very complicated. Both of us co-parent well, children are doing fine etc so neither of us want to be officially a couple, at least not for a very long time. We may never get there, I love being single and not sure I want to have a full relationship with anyone. My point I suppose is that life has lots of twists and turns, you know what you had and the chances are, he did have strong feelings for you.

He did say early on that our situation made him consider if there were issues in his marriage but he didn't think there were, except for the no sex. Then more recently he was talking about maybe one day being able to leave (when it would cause less upset) and that he'd questioned whether his marriage was right etc. With hindsight maybe he thought that would keep the affair going, but I shut down any talk of that as i just knew it was farfetched.
Maybe he did feel that it was genuine, even if his actions said the opposite. I guess we can all delude ourselves if we want to

Hotels in the day mostly, taking the day off work (classy I know). Couple of overnights with work

“He stayed where he was for years but many years later and a long time since we had stopped seeing each other, my AP did leave his wife.”
So the affair ended when you left your husband, he stayed put for years and didn’t leave his wife, then got back in touch with you when he finally had no more use for his marriage and did leave?
Sadly it sounds like when push came to shove his strong feelings weren’t strong enough to choose a life with you, he wanted an affair with you, not a full real life relationship.
“You know what you had and the chances are, he did have strong feelings for you”
What they had was sneaking off for sex in hotels during the day, plus days off work to presumably have a day out and sex. Then he sneaks off home to his wife as if OP doesn’t exist. Whatever that is between two people, strong feelings of love it most certainly wasn’t.
So many OW say this, that he had strong feelings for me but we had to part because life and circumstances/ nobly staying for the children/ a wife who is ill etc allegedly got in the way. The “I’m sorry, I love you so much, it breaks my heart but I can’t break up my family…..but never forget, we’ll always have Brighton.” cliché for the abandoned OW to cling to in case his wife throws him out as he runs into the distance.
Men who have affairs really aren’t noble in the first place, the idea that all these faithless men suddenly find a conscience and go reluctantly home to their wives, sacrificing a great love and pining for their AP because they are nobly putting their true desires aside for their marriage and children, is bunkum. They enjoyed it at the time, absolutely, but when forced to choose, they went home. Just by being able to have an affair shows that they couldn’t nobly sacrifice what they wanted at the time for their marriage and children, they are hardly likely to ever nobly sacrifice what they truly want for anyone. They do what they want, when they want to. When they don’t want to any more, they simply don’t.
What happened to you happens to so many affair partners, one leaves their primary relationship and the other doesn’t want to, but no doubt to soften the blow or stop the AP telling the wife in anger , they might tell you that they love you really but are staying for the children/ wife’s mental health etc. Feelings that run high in secret affairs can very quickly cool into panic when it threatens to become real.
People who say one thing and do another rarely mean what they say. People do what they want to do, regardless of what comes out of their mouths.
Affairs are based on secrets and lies and depend on good liars.
If you believe a married man who wants to sleep with you, you’re setting yourself up for a world of pain.

You don't know me, you don't know him and you clearly have a very black and white view of how men/people behave. You are wrong in almost every respect but I have no interest in getting into a back and forth which doesn't help the OP. Naturally you have no interest in doing so, only using this platform to present the clichéd picture of apparently what every affair is about. Happily, humans in real life, people are infinitely more complex and in fact understanding of each others complexity.

“Naturally you have no interest in doing so, only using this platform to present the clichéd picture of apparently what every affair is about. Happily, humans in real life, people are infinitely more complex and in fact understanding of each others complexity.”
Ah, so I don’t know you and I don’t know him but apparently you know me and why I wrote here? Fair enough.
My post is a genuine reply for OP. My response wasn’t using this as a platform (I really don’t need one, this is a tale as old as time and writ large all over Mumsnet by many posters as well as me) it was an answer to her wondering herself, in her own post if she was “deluded” (her words, not mine).
You have a different view which is fine, there are room for all opinions here and only OP knows which one is more applicable to her situation.
I know a great deal about psychology and human behaviour and however complex we all are, humans do have measurable commonalities in their behaviour. We know about tendencies and ‘norms’ around many aspects of human behaviour, their common occurrence doesn’t make them clichés, but accepted facts. Hence the use of the DSM in psychological diagnoses, researched accepted data in human behaviour traits and characteristics.

There’s a whole world of psychology about the nature of affair relationships and a lot of research done, data collected from counsellors and psychologists and from my own work and professional life from which I draw my opinions.
I understand the myriad reasons why people have affairs, I understand life’s complexities, I also understand why people prefer to perceive a situation in a particular way and need to lie to themselves or weave a different narrative around painful truths to ease their suffering.
Betrayed partners do this too. Unfaithful or betrayed, we all have to be strict with ourselves as to what we want to believe and what the truth actually tells us. Behaviour is a far better indicator of real motives than words are, and the words of a proven liar need a great deal of scrutiny if you want to believe them.
It’s a cliché for a reason, it’s an often told unoriginal story, because it’s the outcome which occurs the most often, however much people want to believe otherwise.
You will threads from OW talking to each other on here who say to each other “Oh, mine did that too! Mine said that too!” or threads with betrayed women on them saying “my husband did/ said that too!” It’s never very long before “The Script” gets trotted out here on an infidelity thread, that might sound clichéd too, but it’s recognised as a script for a reason, it’s a commonality of behaviour for people in affairs.
Affairs aren’t black and white, no, they’re a very painful, psychologically damaging, messy shade of grey and in my personal experience and my professional life I could quote you many relationships whose and outcomes were sadly exactly like I described above and a few that were not.
The black and white part I stand by is that people who really want to leave their primary relationships, do leave. The circumstances keeping them in their primary relationship, whatever they are, however ‘complicated’, are more important than the relationship with their affair partner was or their actions would match their words and they would leave.
Why they had an affair, how their feelings and the affair played out is the complex less than black and white part which can cause misery for people for years.
People have affairs exactly because of the complexity of human nature, you have decided to interpret what I wrote as what “all affairs” are about, they are not and I did not say that. Some become long successful relationships, however that situation has commonalities too, in that they often report that their marriage was over anyway and they would have left with or without the affair.
I am glad you are happy and understanding about the complexities of human nature. It’s actually my favourite subject.
However there is no “happily” about the complexities of human nature around their behaviour in affairs, they are pretty easy to understand, they show these complex humans causing misery and lasting psychological damage to others, behaving at their very worst.

Good Post @Thewookiemustgo

Women pacifying and deluding themselves to feel better about themselves that includes the betrayed wives and ow.

The common denominator is the male who causes pain, but who would want to be an ow in a sordid triangle, this wrangling of who is loved and respected more is pointless. The only person to be admired is the one kept out of the loop, the one who is lied to, humiliated and bullied by two other thinking beings, FACT, it takes a great deal of strength to be picked upon by two other people.

It's certainly not about love, to love someone wholeheartedly is not about having another person unwittingly knowing in the background that they are being stabbed in the back. It's cruel by nature and sadistic to feel happiness at another person's expense.

I find it totally weird how women and men can dissasociate themselves from the reality of what is actually happening, it's like a bubble within a bubble, the love affair being acceptable because it feels nice but all feelings in the outer bubble are always horrendous with a far greater cast. People who conduct affairs as they say can compartmentalise and push away any thoughts of culpability, the excuses are just that, excuses to make up and intensify as and when needed. Strong, honest and true people don't need excuses, they act with integrity.

A mm would be the last person I would find attractive as a confidant and lover, I wouldn't believe a word that came out of his head or mouth no matter how attractive the package was.
The truth is a rare beast in many relationships, the many reasons why a man cannot leave his family for his much loved ow, the reasons why a man has to find comfort and sex outside of a marriage, who cares, the one thing I do know is once you stop thinking you need a man then all of these conversations go away.

Men who make a life of behaving this way with numerous women tend to become very small when their pool dries up and in their wake lies a whole lot of women who have become damaged, hurt and dissolusioned by human nature. To see a couple that have weathered a lifetime together without harming one another is a beautiful thing, their shared strength and respect is a powerful force in older age, none of this will be attainable for those who have been hurt by affairs or those who conduct affairs, it's not really something people mid way through their lives think of.

Old age will have you sorting out the real priorities, the landscape will have been painted and the people in that picture will tell all, those included, those excluded and those who are happy and smiling and those who are not.
Your actions of today will affect that picture.

There is always a price to be paid for instant gratification it will get you further down the line if not immediately.

I've seen many lives destroyed by them being betrayed but I've also seen many destroyed by those who conduct innapropriate relationships and the ripples of disgust and anger of younger generations, that have judged them and been affected, this stuff runs deep and is unaccepted by women and society for a reason, it is there to protect women from being used and diminished by males.

You are part of the problem in serving men so easily without conditions.

For what it's worth I've found your posts really helpful and there's a lot that I can identify in my situation. How he said he was ok with it as long as no one knew (compartmentalising) and from my part I know that I have certain issues (e.g. avoidant attachment style) that have led me to this place, not that this is an excuse. So to see it written down like this so logically and to see the obvious parallels, it really is hard to argue against it. That doesn't mean that none of the feelings were real, but they were only real in the context of this situation and not real life real. I know that he never would have chosen me and however much it hurts now I'm not sure I would have wanted that anyway. So thanks again, I'll be re-reading all of this when I'm feeling weak

You’re welcome OP, I think you’ve got it in a nutshell, I’m useless at nutshells, hence my long posts 😂. Sorry!
I genuinely believe in the affair bubble things are felt and meant at the time, few people operate that cynically, but as you say, it’s a compartment, not reality. As long as both compartments are kept apart, nothing clashes with the other so feelings are felt as genuine. If and when the compartments collide, cognitive dissonance shows up and feelings are weighed in the balance and a choice is made. The choice is usually based on whatever that person thinks will make them happiest over all.
No judgment here, I know how affairs happen and they are not all done by ‘bad’ uncaring people, usually it’s ordinary people choosing to do bad things, which they have justified by an internal narrative and/ or the way the affair makes them feel.
I judge people by how they act when they know they’ve done wrong, it’s easy to be a nice person making good choices when your life is easy and going well. So if somebody behaves badly I ask myself this: Have they been courageous enough to be honest about what they did? Are they accountable for their choices or do they blame others? How do they make amends? How do they show real change? That’s usually a person’s real character. Those who don’t care don’t ask themselves any if those questions.
Everybody makes bad choices, I’ve made plenty in past relationships, believe me. I’m no saint.
You’ve definitely done the right thing stepping away from this, you’ve saved yourself even more pain and hopefully nobody else gets hurt. Learn from it now and see that it wasn’t the answer, it was a crutch to
lean on and an escape from your marriage issues.
Concentrate on that now and be brutally honest with yourself about your marriage and what kind of a future you want for yourself.
Honesty is always better in relationships with anybody, it’s good for your own self-respect and self-esteem, too. You’ll be amazed how much better you feel once you’re the other side of the stuff in your life which no longer serves you, you’ve already got starred towards that and ditched a very important one.

It’s entirely possible that he is a decent guy who loves you and also does not want to hurt his wife. Some marriages have very little or no sex and it’s often at the instigation of just one of the couple. So some will have affairs simply to try to find a way to keep going. They do not want to hurt their partner, who they might genuinely love, but they also can’t live an entirely sexless life.
So it’s either escorts/prostitutes or an affair/FWB. With an affair or FWB it’s not surprising that genuine feelings sometimes develop.
So in your case, op, his reason for having an affair with you but not leaving his wife is not necessarily because he’s selfish or stringing you along, or is a shitty person who doesn’t give a crap about lying to his wife. He possibly feels enormous guilt over what he’s doing. He might genuinely love you both. Life and love is complicated.

Did you tell your friends and family you were sleeping with a married man? If you, well done for being confident enough that you wouldn't be judged by them.
If not, you also behaved in the same way in terms of lying and lack of empathy...

Gosh, my heart bleeds for him.

He's not a decent guy, he's a liar and a cheat.
And putting the blame back on his wife because you assume she wasn't having sex with him enough is hideous.