Confused at 29 :(

Hels3000 · 2025-03-03T21:25:26+00:00

Hello! Advice or any thoughts welcome… I was in an 8 year relationship that ended in 2023. We owned a house together, all shared friends etc and was a huge shock to me. My ex said he felts we weren’t communicating well, he was unsure if we had the same timeline for children (I wanted them sooner) and he was concerned he’d lived his whole adult life in a relationship. I was extremely hurt and it took a very long time to feel better. I forced myself to go on one online date 8 months later and met my now boyfriend. I’ve been with him for over a year now. We have a nice time together but never said I love you. I’m an emotional, romantic person and he is not. I feel so angry, irritated and confused when I’m with him because he is so lovely but I just don’t love him and he’s never said it to me either. We both have busy jobs so see eachother once a week. My ex has said he wants to be with me again. I can’t help feeling excited by this as I really really loved him and we’ve now been apart for 2 years, both had 2 rounds of therapy and are much stronger people. Do you think it would be a bad idea to go back to this ex? Should I break up with my current boyfriend? i’m turning 30 this year and I’m so upset at the thought that I’m not married or even with a person I love :( I want children and I want to be happy but I can’t help feeling sad and left out when friends are so in love , getting engaged and married or having children. I feel like I’ve been left behind. I don’t know what to do! Any thoughts very much welcome, sorry for the ramble

Wonderwhyy · 03/03/2025 21:43

The Romantic in me says follow your heart and that maybe the time apart has made your ex realise he's supposed to be with you...
But bear in mind if it doesn't work out you could potentially wind up single again at 30 something and still no closer to having kids.
Good luck

Original poster

Hels3000 · 03/03/2025 21:59

That’s exactly how I feel and what I’m worried about. Feels like such a huge decision and really weighing me down. Thanks so much for replying, really appreciate it :) xx

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OneWittySquid · 03/03/2025 22:03

My friends ex did this to her twice they had a house together and everything. She regretted getting back with him the second time

DontBeBlueBeARainbow · 03/03/2025 22:05

I understand your dilemma but my wisdom/experience tells me keep moving forwards. Definitely don't continue the relationship with new boyfriend if it isn't the right fit for you and you don't feel strongly about each other. But i don't think giving ex a second chance will pay off.

Umpteencharacters · 03/03/2025 22:10

I think it’s worth taking the chance on love :)

Semiramide · 03/03/2025 22:17

I vote for neither...

HereForTheFreeLunch · 03/03/2025 22:22

I vote for neither too. Ex is bored, didn't find someone as soon as he thought he would.

He's dumped you once, he can easily dump you again.

If you do decide to try again with Ex - treat it like a new relationship. Go slowly as you would with someone new.

Original poster

Hels3000 · 03/03/2025 22:35

OneWittySquid · 03/03/2025 22:03

My friends ex did this to her twice they had a house together and everything. She regretted getting back with him the second time

Was it the case that they’d been broken up a while? Me and my ex broke up with a ‘it’s not over but we’ll be apart for a while’ type ending.

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Original poster

Hels3000 · 03/03/2025 22:35

DontBeBlueBeARainbow · 03/03/2025 22:05

I understand your dilemma but my wisdom/experience tells me keep moving forwards. Definitely don't continue the relationship with new boyfriend if it isn't the right fit for you and you don't feel strongly about each other. But i don't think giving ex a second chance will pay off.

Thank you. I appreciate the wisdom!

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Original poster

Hels3000 · 03/03/2025 22:36

Umpteencharacters · 03/03/2025 22:10

I think it’s worth taking the chance on love :)

I feel a bit of this too! I think as neither of us have found anyone after 2 years, it could be worth taking a chance

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Original poster

Hels3000 · 03/03/2025 22:38

HereForTheFreeLunch · 03/03/2025 22:22

I vote for neither too. Ex is bored, didn't find someone as soon as he thought he would.

He's dumped you once, he can easily dump you again.

If you do decide to try again with Ex - treat it like a new relationship. Go slowly as you would with someone new.

Edited

I guess neither of us have though! I was hoping I would. He has dated a bit but spent a lot of time in therapy digging into a lot of childhood trauma. And has wanted me back for a year now. Definitely agree that we’d have to start afresh. Maybe even couples therapy. Really good to hear all these thoughts though - very grateful for them

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crockofshite · 03/03/2025 22:43

Your ex seems to be calling all the shots.

HE wants to break up, so that's what happens.

Now HE wants to get back together, so you're thinking about that.

I'd be very wary of getting back with the ex.

Notahandmaid · 03/03/2025 22:43

People do make relationships work after a break sometimes. William and Kate were apart for six months and Andy Murray and his wife also split up for six months-now happily married with four children.
It sounds as if you want to give it a go with your ex. I hope it all works out for you.

Original poster

Hels3000 · 03/03/2025 22:45

crockofshite · 03/03/2025 22:43

Your ex seems to be calling all the shots.

HE wants to break up, so that's what happens.

Now HE wants to get back together, so you're thinking about that.

I'd be very wary of getting back with the ex.

Yes I guess I haven’t told the story very well haha. He wanted to get back with me and told me so last Feb. I said no as I was happy with my current boyfriend. Since this Feb I have been thinking about my ex non stop and now feel differently towards him. So I guess he was calling the shots up until Feb 24

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Original poster

Hels3000 · 03/03/2025 22:46

Notahandmaid · 03/03/2025 22:43

People do make relationships work after a break sometimes. William and Kate were apart for six months and Andy Murray and his wife also split up for six months-now happily married with four children.
It sounds as if you want to give it a go with your ex. I hope it all works out for you.

Thank you. I used to obsessively read all the stories about these break ups! I guess i posted on here to see if people think it’s a bad idea and it seems most think so. Not sure what I was expecting haha

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Sakai · 03/03/2025 22:50

Semiramide · 03/03/2025 22:17

I vote for neither...

Is the correct answer!

Sakai · 03/03/2025 22:52

Hels3000 · 03/03/2025 22:45

Yes I guess I haven’t told the story very well haha. He wanted to get back with me and told me so last Feb. I said no as I was happy with my current boyfriend. Since this Feb I have been thinking about my ex non stop and now feel differently towards him. So I guess he was calling the shots up until Feb 24

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So he wanted to do this a year ago But now it’s all in your head?

RickiRaccoon · 03/03/2025 22:58

I think it's generally a bad idea to go back to an ex. However, if the reason was purely circumstantial in that you'd never been not together as adults and were just exploring what else was there, I'd give it a go with your ex. I would head into thinking it should be pretty clear pretty early whether it's going to work out or not since you know each other well. If it's just okay and you have any doubts at all after say 3 months, leave.

EarthSight · 03/03/2025 22:59

I'm sorry OP but I'm afraid it's likely he wanted to have sex with other women before settling down with you and was willing to sacrifice your future together for that. Or, he was having an inappropriate relationship of some sort with another woman, and he wanted to give that a go rather than settle for you, never knowing how it would have turned out.

Now he knows and want to be back with you. It doesn't make him less than a liability I'm afraid. Be prepared that he'll cheat or leave you when you're pregnant - such men seem to lose their heads then their first child is on the way in particular.

Although I would normally advise that you don't spend too much time grieving for him before moving on, I think moving onto another guy only 8 months after an 8 year relationship finished is far too short of a time. I wasn't ready to psychologically move on or even imagine myself with another man until at least a year and a half. That doesn't mean you should remain with your new man though, and I don't think you'll necessarily fall in love with him or change or mind.

It's a risk either way.

Original poster

Hels3000 · 03/03/2025 23:05

Sakai · 03/03/2025 22:52

So he wanted to do this a year ago But now it’s all in your head?

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Yep. We’re in a big friendship group still, so have seen each other quite a bit over the 2 years. It’s not like I could ever really delete him from my life. So had been trying my hardest to move on

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Nowthereistwo · 03/03/2025 23:07

Definitely finish it with current boyfriend as that really is wasting your time.

You mentioned you'd both had councilling, do you think it would be worth going together to see if the relationship could work and get all the valid worries out in the open?

At least you'd know if it was a rebound or really worth trying

Original poster

Hels3000 · 03/03/2025 23:09

EarthSight · 03/03/2025 22:59

I'm sorry OP but I'm afraid it's likely he wanted to have sex with other women before settling down with you and was willing to sacrifice your future together for that. Or, he was having an inappropriate relationship of some sort with another woman, and he wanted to give that a go rather than settle for you, never knowing how it would have turned out.

Now he knows and want to be back with you. It doesn't make him less than a liability I'm afraid. Be prepared that he'll cheat or leave you when you're pregnant - such men seem to lose their heads then their first child is on the way in particular.

Although I would normally advise that you don't spend too much time grieving for him before moving on, I think moving onto another guy only 8 months after an 8 year relationship finished is far too short of a time. I wasn't ready to psychologically move on or even imagine myself with another man until at least a year and a half. That doesn't mean you should remain with your new man though, and I don't think you'll necessarily fall in love with him or change or mind.

It's a risk either way.

Edited

I agree it’s a risk. I know there was no other woman, we’ve been so honest with eachother about everything during lots of chats over the last 2 years. Part of it might have been the grass is greener thing, and to be honest I had that too a bit. I just can’t help feeling that we both love each other still so should try again.

And I agree I didn’t intend to fully move on with my new boyfriend. I just wanted to go on a date. We were seeing each other for 6 months before we started an actual relationship. In those 6 months I went on holiday by myself, started a new career, spent alllll the time with my friends. So it wasn’t that I just had a rebound sort of thing. But I do see how it comes across that way!

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Original poster

Hels3000 · 03/03/2025 23:11

Nowthereistwo · 03/03/2025 23:07

Definitely finish it with current boyfriend as that really is wasting your time.

You mentioned you'd both had councilling, do you think it would be worth going together to see if the relationship could work and get all the valid worries out in the open?

At least you'd know if it was a rebound or really worth trying

Thank you. Yes I think I have to end it with him.

and yes - my ex has mentioned this a few times and I agree. Now that we’ve both had counselling we can both see the value in it and it’s supposed to be useful for communication. I can see how it benefits couples. You can probably tell by all my replies that I just think about this all night long

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Original poster

Hels3000 · 03/03/2025 23:16

RickiRaccoon · 03/03/2025 22:58

I think it's generally a bad idea to go back to an ex. However, if the reason was purely circumstantial in that you'd never been not together as adults and were just exploring what else was there, I'd give it a go with your ex. I would head into thinking it should be pretty clear pretty early whether it's going to work out or not since you know each other well. If it's just okay and you have any doubts at all after say 3 months, leave.

Yes that was it. We met on the first day of uni at 18 and had been together ever since. I obviously didn’t want him to break up with me, but it really opened my eyes and honestly if I could go back I wouldn’t change it now. I’ve loved all this time alone, being selfish with my time, going on holiday alone, girls trips etc. And we broke up assuming it wouldn’t last forever. Which I know seems silly.

that’s really great advice re doubts. I’ve been feeling doutbs so strongly with my current boyfriend and it’s a horrible way to live. And you’re right, people must know pretty soon whether it was the right thing to do

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Devianinc · 03/03/2025 23:16

Hels3000 · 03/03/2025 23:11

Thank you. Yes I think I have to end it with him.

and yes - my ex has mentioned this a few times and I agree. Now that we’ve both had counselling we can both see the value in it and it’s supposed to be useful for communication. I can see how it benefits couples. You can probably tell by all my replies that I just think about this all night long

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What is he saying, if he’s saying things that you think he’s being honest about, I’d give a try. You definitely going nowhere with the current situation but just be on your toes with him this time. I’m hoping you have a wonderful ending with the guy and have a great life together.