Confused at 29 :(

[Hels3000]

Hello! Advice or any thoughts welcome…

I was in an 8 year relationship that ended in 2023. We owned a house together, all shared friends etc and was a huge shock to me. My ex said he felts we weren’t communicating well, he was unsure if we had the same timeline for children (I wanted them sooner) and he was concerned he’d lived his whole adult life in a relationship. I was extremely hurt and it took a very long time to feel better.

I forced myself to go on one online date 8 months later and met my now boyfriend. I’ve been with him for over a year now. We have a nice time together but never said I love you. I’m an emotional, romantic person and he is not. I feel so angry, irritated and confused when I’m with him because he is so lovely but I just don’t love him and he’s never said it to me either. We both have busy jobs so see eachother once a week.

My ex has said he wants to be with me again. I can’t help feeling excited by this as I really really loved him and we’ve now been apart for 2 years, both had 2 rounds of therapy and are much stronger people. Do you think it would be a bad idea to go back to this ex? Should I break up with my current boyfriend?

i’m turning 30 this year and I’m so upset at the thought that I’m not married or even with a person I love :( I want children and I want to be happy but I can’t help feeling sad and left out when friends are so in love , getting engaged and married or having children. I feel like I’ve been left behind. I don’t know what to do! Any thoughts very much welcome, sorry for the ramble

No, he had his chance.and it's kinder to finish with the current boyfriend too - he can find someone else better suited to him and so will you - plenty of fish in the sea.

In my experience my advice would be NOT to go back to your ex. Move forward and find someone who actually wants the same things as you in life not someone who's bored and knows how much you loved him and he thinks he can just get you back with the click of his fingers.

Your not happy with your current boyfriend so i would end things with him and do you for a while and what will be will be. Someone will come along when your not expecting it x

Really appreciate your advice. Thank you xx

Do you think that it’s never okay to go back to an ex? Or just in certain situations?

yes I do wonder if I could meet someone else. I don’t think I will be going back online dating

You are 29 !!! of course you will and can meet someone else.

There are 2 separate questions here.

The first is should you end your relationship with your current boyfriend? The answer to that is clearly yes. You should finish it whatever happens with your ex, because your current relationship doesn’t meet your needs.

The second is: should you get back together with your ex. I know a few couples who got together very young and split but reunited some time later (about 1 year later in one case; about 5 years later in the other). They split not knowing that they would get back together. But they did reunite and went on to marry quite soon after reuniting and are still married decades later.

Actually I think it’s a really good thing that you had that time to be footloose and fancy free, even though you didn’t choose it.

Getting back together with your ex may or may not work. It sounds worth a try but I do think it’s important to have a reasonably brisk plan for moving into the future if you do. As mentioned above, the couples I know who reunited went on to marry within a year or so of reuniting. They were a similar age to you also at the time. You’re still young now but don’t let him waste several more years of your life equivocating about marriage and children with the risk of running your fertility window down (less of a risk for him).

My 53 year old advice is this.

Break up with current BF, have a good hard think about why being in a relationship all the time feels like winning to you.

I can tell you that the biggest gifts you can give yourself is financial independence and being comfortable in your own company.

Why?

Because it keeps your boundaries up and you don't put up with shit relationships.

I mean you can start dating your ex again if you want but I'd never go back to something when there is so much out there to explore and experience.

I'd take a chance with your ex, but set a timeline on it.

I do think that people change and you were young when you first got together. Maybe he wanted to see if you really were "the one" and the break has given you this chance too.

I wouldn't stay in your current loveless relationship, particularly if you eventually want children. But if you don't see your ex, even to test the waters again, you'll always be thinking "what if"?

I think you should end the relationship with your current boyfriend. You’re not happy with him so there’s no point keeping the relationship going.

Personally I think you should try be single for a little bit. I love love, I love romance stories and I’d love for it to work with the ex but I feel you’d be jumping right back in.
Be single for a little bit and maybe try dating the ex again, I wouldn’t rush into anything and would start the full relationship from the beginning.

I split up with what I would say was the love of my life aged 23, for similar reasons. We both intended to get back together. I had wild times and wasn't ready to get back with my ex when he wanted to, after the first year. I finally decided it was time aged 26 - but that was when he met his now wife. I was heartbroken, for years.

If you are going to try, do it now. Life will otherwise get in the way.

Although I was never as wildly in love again, I went on to have a 16 year relationship which was mainly amazing, for the first decade at least. This ended 4 years ago and despite thinking relationships and sex were behind me forever, I met someone else by chance a year afterwards, aged 47. I don't look back and wish I had stayed with my ex in my 20s because my life would have been much more limited. I have had so many adventures and feel lucky to have found love a third time.

Life is long, if you are lucky. Whatever you do, don't settle for the mundane.

Do you actually want either of them or are you looking at other people your age and feeling the pressure? I'd take a hard look at why you have formed a relationship with your current bf when the relationship doesn't make you happy. With your ex, i wonder if you would be able to fully trust him? I'd be concerned that you'd feel you needed to please and placate him for fear he'd up and leave again. Also be wary of him future faking - you want marriage and children and need to take control of this. What does he even mean by saying you had communication problems?

Agree with everyone, you are 100% wasting time a year old with this guy.

With your ex, I would want him to be very clear as to why he wants to get back together, what he sees in the future, what timeline for marriage and children, so joint therapy could be well worth while.

You really need to be on the same page on all things.

Definitely do not consider children until after marriage.
This will focus both of you.

I would also have a 3, and 6 month marker to examine carefully are you really in love or settling for each other because it is just so comfortable with your circle of friends.

I have seen quite a few marriages fall apart whose basis seems to be a comfortably shared network rather than genuine love.
Don't be his comfort blanket/starter marriage, while your fertility ticks away.

Better to move on if you have the slightest suspicion of that.

Personally I don't think you should get back with your ex. Maybe getting back with an ex can work but I feel like the original break up would be mutual. He broke up with you and hurt you. He didn't love you enough to be confident in your relationship and now he's slept with some other people he thinks oh yea maybe it wasn't all that bad. I think your issue is your new bf isn't good enough either so your dwelling on your ex. You still have plenty of time to meet someone new. I know whatever you decide won't be easy so I hope you all the best in whatever happens x

Thank you so much.

I agree - the time I’ve had since we broke up has been so good for me.

I agree if we were to get back together it would require some commitment. Marriage has never been a problem for him - in fact he spoke about rings, venues etc more than I did and told me last year it wasn’t the commitment to marriage that was stressing him out it was the pace at which I wanted children. He is a year younger than me too

Thank you. I do have financial independence, I own my own flat in London and I’m a lawyer. But I agree I should be on my own actually, the thought really excites me! I love spending time alone and doing things on my own time. I would also like a family at some point. Really appreciate your advice, thank you !

Wow thank you for sharing. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been when you were 26.

im glad you had those other experiences, I guess I’m finding it hard to see that there could be that for me in the future because for some people it doesn’t happen again!

Life is long - you’re right. I’m feeling very empowered by all your stories and it’s helping me more than the 10 weeks of therapy I had

I have not been able to get my ex out of my head now for I’d say about 5 months. Since October it’s been pretty non stop and difficult to deal with. That’s why I started therapy. I had no idea / wasn’t being honest to myself that it could be that I still had feelings for him. I didn’t want to as I thought I’d moved on.

Re the communication, he feels that we often both let things that annoyed us slide for fear of rocking the boat. We spoke about this after the breakup and it seemed that as we’d got together at 18, we became a bit stuck in a teenage relationship and wouldn’t share difficult things or issues we had. We ever argued - never good!

Thank you.

yes I agree we’d need to be very clear and honest with each other about what we want, when, I’m not afraid or ashamed to say any of this.

And yes I wouldn’t want it to be out of comfort. I do genuinely think I still love him, not because of our circle as that has lessened a bit in the last year. I think about him all the time and I’m wondering if I should act on it

I think you should break up with your current boyfriend because neither of you are really that into it.
I think before you potentially say yes to giving things another go with your ex, you and him should have a really in depth conversation about what you would both want the relationship to look like and on what timescales. Has the timescale for wanting children changed since you last discussed it? What pace would you want to go on living together/ potentially pooling finances/ buying a house together? Are there any other issues that you think might come up? Would either of you be jealous or resentful of relationships you’ve had while not together? Are you both over that need to see what’s out there and date other people? You could even do this in a couples counseling session. It’s not massively romantic but it will save a lot of heartbreak if you realize you’re still not on the same page about the important stuff before attempting to be together again.

There are conflicting sayings.
A very wise woman once told me 'walk forwards not back', this works for me.

But there's the Irish saying, 'what's for you won't go past you' , fate essentially.
Personally I believe you are the master of your own fate.

Choose wisely 🌼

I think you should make a list of all the things that are important to you in a life partner. Which of these men ticks all the boxes? If neither, chuck them both back and then get on with actively dating other men. 29 is not too old to start again, but at the same time you don't have years to faff around either.

For your list I would suggest these things as a starting minimum:
Treats you better than he treats himself
Has similar life goals
Has similar morals/religion

Argues respectfully without name calling
Never threatens you using his greater physical strength (getting 'in your face')
Keeps his word
Does not lie or gaslight
Is prepared to compromise
Is not frightened to talk about feelings
Does not blame stress/mental health etc for bad behaviour
Listens, takes on board, and tries to change
Is kind to people who are in service situation (waiting staff etc)
Is civil to people he dislikes

You get the idea. Is either of these men a good man? If they don't meet the bar, ditch them quick and move on. Don't waste time.

As pp said, William and Kate and Andy Murray and his now wife both broke up for a good period before getting back together

Hmmm that is interesting. My current boyfriend is all those things. Extremely good on paper. But I don’t love him

DH and I are almost 40. Been together since we were 19. We spent our late 20s - just now completely emotionally detached. We got on ok but there was no spark and no emotional attachment. We basically became housemates and co parents.

Recently a life event happened and we have started counselling. It was like being smacked in the face with self awareness. we’re in the most amazing place now. We’re so close and everything that was missing is now present. All that really changed was perspective on life and we started talking. Talking about everything!

We have both acknowledged that we needed time apart when we were much younger. Just a gap, some independence and to grow up! (I now recommend this to most young couples!)

We wasted a whole decade by phaffing about. Whereas you guys have done the thing we should have done. my goodness I am so envious! My best friend married young, they divorced at 25 and then remarried at 35, it’s beautiful and they’re so happy.

A long relationship means companionship. And it’s two of you vs the world. Ultimately if he’s your person, he’s your person 💐 (and even then, things will get tough one day and you need to trust you can work it through!)

…. 75% of divorced couples later admitted they regretted divorce and in hindsight, could have worked through the hard times.

(stole that off Threads so likely isn’t true! 🤣 but I still like it!)

Im rambling, but don’t throw away a good thing because “shoulda, woulda, coulda”

I shall also add that DH and I started dating again & treated our new season / phase like a brand new relationship.
We have since discovered things about each other that we didn’t previously know!

I know I’m lucky. But I have a completely different viewpoint on relationships now.

Everyone needs space to grow when they’re young. You wouldn’t plant two sunflower seeds without space between them for them to grow. I swear it’s the same for young couples 🌻 🌻