How would other people approach this? Boyf/DP self care/hygiene

[User7288339]

Ugh I so so don’t want to get the ick as dp/boyf of nearly 18 months is really lovely.
Quite sensitive and I think was made to feel a bit lacking in previous long relationship as she was a stronger character than him and was critical.

anyway… we went away for a night this weekend to a hotel and he didn’t brush his teeth once. I didn’t see a wash bag or toothbrush in the bathroom. He didn’t shower either, although to be fair we were only away from home for one night.

I definitely remember him being minty fresh earlier on in the relationship but now I’m think maybe he hasn’t brushed when I’ve been staying over lately (only tend to do so about once a fortnight when kids are away).

surprisingly he doesn’t seem to suffer from bad breath generally but this weekend I think he have eaten something garlicky and it was really unpleasant to kiss him and then think that he hadn’t brushed them 😞

I know I need to broach it but don’t want to hurt his feelings.

I think it would’ve been best in the moment to say something like you know I love you; but please brush your teeth! But I’m not sure he had a toothbrush with him so thought that would embarrass him.

we were also at a family party of his as part of the weekend and he hadn’t shaved.

im not sure if either this is his normal and he was just making extra effort at the beginning of the relationship…. Or maybe he is stressed at the moment (he has some stress in his life with work and single parenting) and it’s showing in a dip in self care?

wondering how others would approach this.
everything else is good so don’t want to end it over this.

You could offer a joint shower? And say ‘ooh shall we have a quick brush - I LOvE a minty fresh taste’ and see what he says?

IME men love a nice joint shower and it’s quite sexy with all the soapy suds 🙃

Give me strength 🙄

You need to tell him his slovenly personal hygiene is a massive turn-off. If he can't respect himself and his partner enough to keep himself clean, then he isn't up to a serious relationship.

I'm sorry but you have been together 18 months and you presumably have sex with him so you must know him quite well.
So I don't understand why you can't have a conversation with him about hygiene.

Trust me it doesn't get better. If he isn't in the habit now he's unlikely to get one. Speaking from experience anyway.

I don't think it's acceptable as an adult to not own and use an electric toothbrush regularly. Along with flossing and mouthwash.
Tell him so. If you can't face saying it then you shouldn't be with him.

Start calling him Stig... Any bloke who needs reminding to be clean isn't ready for a relationship.. Unless it's moving back to live with his dm...

OP, this is really really huge.
You are out of your mind if you think this isn't a total deal breaker.
This issue will haunt your relationship and you will bitterly regret continuing it.

Hygiene is not optional in a relationship.
You are so foolish to treat it as such.

He has made a parent of you.
Why would you want to be a mother to a partner?
Creepy and icky.
Is he an adult?
If so he knows well how to keep clean, he simply can no longer be arsed.
That is how lazy he is.
You will see that that is the man he is, in all areas of your life.
Dirty regarding house hygiene, pulling his weight with children, until he literally goes weeks without washing because you are now stuck with him.

How you could actually kiss him is beyond me.
Your standards must be rock bottom that you could force yourself to do that.

You deserve better.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk pls.
Ditch him.

One of my ex’s when I was younger had TERRIBLE hygiene.

She would go without a shower for days. Quite often over a week and think the longest was 2 weeks 🤮 it massively put me off her and the sex wasn’t enjoyable for obvious reasons.

not brushing your teeth for one day could be accepted if he had forgotten his toothbrush, a shower also maybe yes. Shaving definitely, as it’s a pain in the ass.

However, he has clearly gotten complacent and too comfortable with you and unless you broach the subject, it will not only not get batter but it will get worse.

if you are presumably having sex with him, then he HAS to shower every day. Ignoring BO which can be covered up he will have a smelly dick, he wees out of it multiple times a day and there will be crusty spunk if he doesn’t shower after sex. Sorry for the TMI!

for me now, a partner who lacks personal hygiene is an instant ick and there’s no going back once you have the ick!

Agree with all of this , except the freedom
program?!

it’s not domestic abuse or emotional abuse or financial abuse he just has terrible hygiene and has given her the ick!

When we're in a relationship, brushing our teeth or showering isn't just for our benefit, it's for the other persons as well. If he's not doing that automatically, it's shows a basic lack of empathy for you.

When you mention him being quite sensitive, I could be wrong but the way he's behaving raises a few red flags for how a vulnerable narcissist would behave. If you start setting boundaries around teeth brushing and showering and he gets defensive, I wouldn't stick around. They're like children who never grow up.

I would have said ‘I can still taste the garlic, would
you mind freshening up?’ then something like ‘do you want to shower first or after me?’.

If he doesn’t get the hint then nope. I’m done. Can’t deal with unhygienic partners and would resent it.

The freedom programme is about building self esteem and self respect and establishing and holding boundaries in life.
It is to help women recognise healthy and unhealthy behaviours.

Listening to and trusting your gut.
These are skills that go far beyond domestic abuse.

They are skills for life.
The OP thinks it is correct to tip toe around another adult who is choosing to abandon basic hygiene now that he thinks she is on the hook.

He is showing her who he really is.
A smelly man who lacks hygiene and self respect.

She needs to take this very seriously.
Poor hygiene is a known marker for poor mental health.
Has he been masking until now?

She needs to be very very wary of him.
This is who he is.

Having sex with someone but not being able to spell out that you have basic standards of hygiene, that you expect from a partner, marks the OP out as vulnerable to me.

Kissing someone with stinky breath, despite knowing they haven't brushed in a while, swallowing, literally, your distaste, means you are vulnerable and need to work on your boundaries IMO.

You’re being absolutely insane. It is not even remotely akin to domestic abuse.

OP, regardless of how sensitive he is, you need to speak to him. If I went away for a night with someone and they appeared not to have brought a toothbrush with them, I’d ask them why. A simple ‘Did you forget it? Let’s ask reception if they’ve got any disposable ones’ would be fine, and then if they said no then I’d be saying ‘Sorry but you can’t go a whole weekend without brushing your teeth’.

You’re comfortable enough to have an 18-month relationship and sleep with him, so you should be comfortable with suggesting he brushes his teeth.

thank you for all the responses and differing views.

we didn’t have sex this weekend or kiss much, partly because of this. I will not do that stuff if I don’t want to!

• we are mid forties, both out of long relationships, him widowed, me divorced.
• poor mental health/anxiety is an issue from time to time, I had thought he was fine at the moment but wonder if this is how it’s coming out that he is finding everything a bit much.
• boundaries/being too accepting/putting up with stuff has been an issue in my marriage (but in a different way with being treated horribly for too long before I left)
• we are both used to being in relationships with poor communication and lack of honesty but are both trying very hard to do this differently
• I was intending to talk to him about it; and have done tonight.
• it’s so lovely that he wants to make effort to be a “good partner” but it does mean I get worried about saying things like to him as know he might internally take it to heart. But I am learning not to avoid saying things because of fear/concern for the other persons reaction.

The honeymoon period is over and he's no longer on best behaviour

She isn't his mother!

So how did your talk go, op?

It was ok. I felt awkward bringing it up but that was a me issue. He was ok about it. Our conversation kind of focused on the self care/are you doing ok really aspect. We talked about how hes in these moments he kind of tells himself he's fine just super busy and doesn't always notice himself straight away that self care has slipped. Also said he hasn't been sleeping great. Work and parenting has been full on for him. His son has SEN and of course still misses his mum, bf has no respite from parenting apart from school and works full time.

He didn't refer that much to the tooth brushing. I suspect that I'll see an improvement in it again, as he is very very considerate in general. We will see.
If it becomes clear this is the norm for him then that's going to be really hard as resentment will grow.

See - this is the problem.

Too many women find themselves having to be a carer or mother to their adult male partner, making sure they have basic hygiene ffs. You shouldn't even have to consider this.

Could you buy him a toilet bag and toiletries- some for your house and some for him? Maybe he needs a little bit of looking after which is fine in any relationship as long as it isn’t always one sided.

Is he autistic OP? I've heard that many don't like brushing their teeth.

We don't get away often and otherwise I only stay at his house about once a fortnight, he never stays here due to childcare. But maybe next time we go away I'll pack a spare toothbrush!
And if I'm at his and he seems to have forgotten I'll just ask him if he can do it.
But as I say, I'm hopeful he has got the message that I clocked it and it matters.

Nope - this is wrong, because unfortunately it's mostly women who have to look after adult men who should bloody well know better.

@EarthSight yes most likely
In a sort of masking extremely well and functioning in every day life to the outside world, but inside quite anxious about some things kind of way.
Hence why even though we've been together 18 months I still very much feel like I'm getting to know and understand him.
He is a lovely lovely partner, very caring and normally very self aware.

If I’m honest though, and I would only say this here anonymously, I am worried that maybe there is a lot of masking going on. I find it hard to describe and put my finger on. I can’t fault him as he says and does the right things, but at times it feels learned rather than instinctive, but how can I hold that against him!
its just whether he is masking in more significant ways eg with personal hygiene that might become clear over time.