Would you ever give this relationship another chance?

[Fruilano]

I split up with partner of 10 years in November. This was a long time coming and I had tried to leave several times over the course of 2 years. The catalyst for this was that he punched a wall and came up with his fists in my face. He blamed me for this as I'd spoken to him badly so I ended up coming back home and apologising. But it made me have serious doubts about the relationship and massive anxiety as I just kept worrying he was abusive. He's never done anything like that since but he has always been quite opinionated and I've felt I've had to change my behaviour for an easy life. I also feel he's had a lot more control on how we spend money and where we live although never outwardly controlling. I finally left and moved out for something small as he did something in anger and then tried to twist things to me being in the wrong and I'd just had enough.

Throughout this he just wants me back and is being nice to me and trying to resolve the issues. Wants to go to couples counselling. We still enjoy each others company but I worry about the future. He says he wants to get married but has to know the relationships improved. I feel like I can't let go of him and just need advice on what to do. Is there any scenario where someone can change and the relationship becomes functional? Or am I just wasting more time to even consider this? If so, please give me tips to stay away from someone you feel almost obsessed with. Also I have low self esteem and anxiety which is making things more unclear for me.

No I wouldn't, especially if you have low self esteem and anxiety, which will only get worse if you let him back in. He threatened and scared you, then blamed you for his behaviour. You don't want to spend the rest of your life waiting for it to happen again, or worse. That will just worsen your anxiety and self esteem. You're worth more than that.

10 years is long enough to decide how you feel. You left because you didn't feel safe or good with him. He will threaten you again and continue to be abusive. You need someone more reliable and loving but you are obsessed with the good times and it's easy to forget the bad. You are vulnerable because you are single and he's using his best tricks to get you back but love and respect go hand in hand, so he doesn't love you the way he should. Going back will actually make him worse because he will feel like if you threatened to leave again you probably won't and you need him too much. Do the hard thing and cut him out your life entirely or he will break you down and get you back and in 10 years from now your life will be even more complicated. Start going out with friends and concentrating on your social life. Someone else will come along one day and you will know what an idiot this current bloke is!

I've felt I've had to change my behaviour for an easy life. I also feel he's had a lot more control on how we spend money and where we live although never outwardly controlling.

No. Don't go back to him.

The obsession is likely to be a form of traumatic bonding. It's painful and difficult and takes some time to disentangle from, but it's what you need to do.

I have gone back once but never would again. These men don't change, they drag you back in with empty promises of change and meaningless lovebombing but as soon as they've reeled you back in the subtle abuse escalates into something more and it takes longer for you to leave because not only do the threats become more severe, you also feel more vulnerable because you came back the first time. And the cycle goes on and on until you reach rock bottom.

When i was in it, I often wished I took that first out because it won't be made that easy again. Please don't go back!

Taking him back would be the worst mistake of your life. Fists in your face, blaming you, making you modify your behaviour so you don’t upset him. He will never change. He is being nice to draw you back in. That’s the way the cycle works. Don’t be fooled by it. Stay away from him and have a better life - you deserve it.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse

he punched a wall and came up with his fists in my face. He blamed me for this as I'd spoken to him badly

I've felt I've had to change my behaviour for an easy life.

I also feel he's had a lot more control on how we spend money and where we live

Please read up on abusive relationships and how to escape.

No. Don't do it.

No, No, No. Absolutely not.

He gas lights you, threatens you, has an explosive temper and is clearly controlling behind closed doors. No wonder you are anxious and have low self esteem.

He doesn't want to marry you or be with you, that's just love bombing. He wants control, and to prevent you having your freedom.

You've done well to escape. Don't throw that success away. Block him and absorb yourself is something else.

Nope I wouldn’t, he’s crossed a line that it’s honestly almost impossible to cross back over. Going back is giving him a green light that it really doesn’t matter what he does, you’ll stay, and even if you leave you will come back, it gives him ALL of the power and he becomes untouchable.

Block & walk away.

You’ve got out of an abusive relationship. Why the hell wpuld you want to go back. Cut the cord and never see him again

I keep waiting for that sense of relief that I've left but I don't feel it and I think I'm gaslighting myself by saying he wasn't that bad, it was my fault etc. But the rational side of my brain knows that going back is the worst thing I could do and it felt like he was abusive at times when I was in the middle of it. It just feels really hard to finally cut ties and I feel so weak to even be contemplating going back

He doesn’t need to be overtly controlling to be controlling you. Sometimes it’s very subtle and ‘I do stuff for an easy life’ is classic. I agree with others - you know you wanted out, there’s a reason for that. If you go back he knows his control level is high, it’s a recipe for disaster. If you leave you will look back in five years and see this for what it was and be very glad.

You have not really left him op
Until you can go no contact
You will
Never clear your head and make better choices for yourself
Cut him off it's the only way to let your real feelings in

You don’t love him and he doesn’t love you. This is not love; it’s a co-dependent relationship. My parents were like this and they fucked their lives and our (their children’s) lives. Get away and seek counselling to enable you to have healthier relationships in the future.

@Fruilano hell no he is an abuser .
You have to toe the line / behave then he may marry you.
He is blaming you and still not accountable for his actions . Wasn’t his fault . Nothing wrong with him.
If he was serious he would have been doing Counseling since the day you left to sort himself out .
Do not have Counseling with this guy . It’s another way to abuse and blame you .

You have did amazing moving out . Delete and block and get your own therapy .
Your next relationship will be with someone who treats you right if you get the help.
This is on him not you

This happened to a friend of mine and three years later they are still in contact and he still controls her.
She says she can’t fully cut him off as she is scared of him and feels sorry for him.
Looking at her wasting her life is pitiful. He still makes noises about changing and then does the same tired old shit.
You did the right thing leaving. If you go back he will punish you for leaving.
Your gut is right.

This is what I need to hear thank you

Your anxiety and low self esteem is probably caused by your relationship. I believe his behaviour escalated as you challenged him. He became aggressive to put you in your place.

He sounds very dominating and he's trying to reel you back in. Don't go back OP.

Each time you go back you get weaker and he gets stronger. It's manipulative behaviour and it always gets worse.

You will feel the relief eventually, once the anxiety of leaving leaves you.

Read this

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

and do the freedom programme immediately
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

you feel obsessed because you’re trauma bonded
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/trauma-bonding

and he is using gaslighting and DARVO on you
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender

These types of men never change. Ever. Counselling is not recommended when there is abuse because the abuser uses it as another tool with which to beat you with.

You’ve done the right thing. Please don’t go back and become another statistic.

Thank you I'm working my way through these links

I can give you tough love lol
We don’t see what’s in front of us in till there is no contact and you have time To process then heal .

If don’t block them you will be in a cycle and life will never move on from this horrible man.

Can I suggest you change you phone number if possible ?

Please DO NOT go to couples counselling with him. From experience and reading lots on here, they will manipulate the counsellor and use anything that is said in the sessions against you.

Get solo counselling sessions to figure out why you have accepted this for so long and to work out how you can get out.

I personally don't think you need to focus on whether it was abusive or not. Even if you put the fists /intimidating behaviour down to a one off (which is a stretch ) after ten years the relationship didn't bring you joy so you left. Why would you go back to something that didn't bring you joy or comfort? Not all relationships go through distance so look forwards if you can.

It is uncomfortable going through big changes but that's part of the growth process. You've done a few months so well done you. Just keep looking forward, you can do it. (You already are!)

ABSOLUTELY NOT, op. Absolutely not. Not ever. You enjoy your life free of him, free of fear of violence and controlling behaviour. Who the fuck does he think he is saying he’d marry you but needs to see change? He’s a raging violent scumbag and if you value your safety and your mental and physical health, you need to stay well away from him. Forever.