It's really bad and I need urgent help

[NovemberNovemberNovember]

I'm in a really bad position and I don't know what to do.

I'm living in rented accommodation with husband and our 3 children. We own property elsewhere, which we are planning to sell soon.

Recently we haven't got on at all. About 5 years ago, I found out he was unfaithful (once where I have hard evidence but probably more) and stupidly I took him back for the sake of our family. Our youngest was only 2, I just thought she deserved more.

He was never sorry. Over the years he's gotten nastier and nastier - but the last couple of weekends have been terrible. Calling me names like fat cunt, getting really drunk and when I wouldn't have sex with him, saying he was going to mess me up, touching me roughly and inappropriately, saying he was going to ruin my life, that I'd wake up and everything would be different tomorrow.

He's now pretending that this didn't happen and that I'm crazy. Saying I have an imbalance. I've no proof.

I'm crying and ranting because I can't believe he can just sit there and pretend he didn't do these terrible things, and the children are joining in with him telling me to stop but I know I'm coming across as crazy while he seems all calm and sane.

I've only got my parents and I can t put this on them. They cant hear this. I dont know what to do. I dont even have a proper contract - im a supply school teacher.

hes delighting in telling me how he will only send a fraction of money when he leaves and I have shouted back that I will get as much as I can from him for the kids. I know it's ugly.

I can't rent somewhere else. My parents paid this deposit for us. He won't leave. I completed the forms for a housing association house about 3 weeks ago, but I haven't heard anything.

What can I do? I wish I had somewhere safe and quiet to go with the kids. He's enjoying this atmosphere, while I am.falling apart. He's so hard and unfeeling and really has no shame.

What can I do. I can't believe he's turned out like this. I loved him.

If you call the police they will remove him. You could then get a non mol order and stay in the house.

Have you spoke to womens aid?

You need to call the police and report the threats. Can your parents take the kids out for a bit? They need to be away from this

I know the right thing to do is call the police but I keep thinking- it will prevent him from working and my kids need supporting. There are no permanent jobs for school teachers here at the moment.

I just need to get from here to an apartment or something but I can't afford the rent. I don't know what to do at all.

If you call or message women’s aid they will help you think it all through. On your housing form did you give any indication of this situation?

How old are your kids and are there any boys? You may be able to get a temp place in a refuge.

I have messaged womans aid thanks. I did give indication on my housing authority form, but nothing back yet.

I have boys and some too old for refuge.

Why would your reporting him to the police prevent him from working? That’s very unlikely.

Please talk to women’s aid or a local domestic violence organisation. Tell your parents what’s happening. As you’re a teacher, you will not get work in the future if your children or are have been on a child protection plan. He’s abusing you in front of the children. Get to a refuge and rebuild your life from there.

Ok but you might get priority for temp accomm from the council. Do you have any savings which you could use as a deposit for private rental?

Do you work? Are you renting?

You won’t be eligible for social housing if you own a house. Could you move in to that property?

The priority at the moment is to get the children (and you with them) to safety. Would your parents want to help if they knew? You don’t need to give them all the detail.

He has sexually assaulted you and verbally abused you. If he loses his job that’s a result of his choices, not yours. You need to report him to the police. We never think of domestic abuse as happening to professional people, but it happens very often.

Sorry I see you are renting and planning to sell your other property. If you ring Shelter they can advise on this situation from accommodation pov. Have you got regular supply work?

Anyone informed and or with some critical thinking skills knows that DA does happen to professional women though.

I'm just so sorry. He's abusive and unstable. Definitely ask for as much help as you can...women's aid, the police. If you can, record him in secret if it's safe, for your own peace of mind. He's a nasty, nasty man. This will really affect your kids, too so the sooner you all get away from him the better.

Just sending solidarity.

Please call your parents. I would be devastated if my daughter was going through this and did not come to me for help.

Hi, have taken my kids to their activity tonight so am out of the house for a bit. Will try to answer a few questions. Our house is in another country - we returned here and are now selling up. Renting in the mean time.

He works abroad, often in and out of America. My children will need his financial support so my last resort is to report him and puthis career at risk. I will if I have to, but I do want it to be last resort. Why make my children's lives even more miserable.

My parents are wonderful but they cant deal with this.

I haven't tried shelter. I will now.

Log this with everyone you can think of. GP, they have DA referral services. speak to your school's DSL in confidence and let them know the children may make a disclosure-which they may. Contact your local council and ask for an IDVA (domestic violence advocate) Log it with the police. Are you worried about it potentially showing to a DBS check? Cross that bridge when you come to it. The most imperative thing is that you are all safe and your children are not experiencing abuse. You can apply for a non-molestation order yourself and if he breaks it, that is a criminal offence.

If I were your mum I would want to know xxx

Are you joking? Did you even read the OP.. 🙄

Any future financial support he may provide is less important than getting them away from domestic abuse OP.

How are they? Remember kids always see/hear/ sense more than we think.

If he's saying he'll do all he can not to pay you anyway then what does it matter if he is working or not?

One problem at a time. Get him reported at a police station.

Stop trying to prove your innocence/goodness to him. He knows what he is doing. It's intentional. Would you waste your breath telling a serial killer that he kills people? He knows! Would you tell him you don't deserve to be killed? He doesn't care!

Never reason with him again. It's pointless. And he actually enjoys it because he can further use it to hurt you.

Wouldn't your parents want to help you? They might be able to cope with more than you think. I hope you find some help op x

You're right but I'm so stupid/soft/always hopeful. I can't believe he's like this. So I just argue back expecting him to realise he's being really bad.

I am going to speak to my parents, but I don't know when. This week sometime. Its not fair on them though. Why should they have to carry this.

He's just messaged me asking what I would like him to make for my dinner. The last conversation we had was a fight where he told me this didnt happen and im imbalanced. And now this? This is what I mean- I'm trembling and he's playing these games. But he will tell anyone who listens that I'm a game player.

We just need to separate but how to get there in one piece.

I am going to speak to my parents, but I don't know when. This week sometime. Its not fair on them though. Why should they have to carry this

Why should you have to carry this on your own?

You said they were wonderful, but Are your parents particularly frail or very ill? If not, then I'm sure they would want to know that you are struggling and unhappy. Even if its just to lend you a supportive sympathetic ear so that you don't feel so alone. Im sure they would want to encourage you to protect yourself and your children.