It's really bad and I need urgent help

[NovemberNovemberNovember]

I'm in a really bad position and I don't know what to do.

I'm living in rented accommodation with husband and our 3 children. We own property elsewhere, which we are planning to sell soon.

Recently we haven't got on at all. About 5 years ago, I found out he was unfaithful (once where I have hard evidence but probably more) and stupidly I took him back for the sake of our family. Our youngest was only 2, I just thought she deserved more.

He was never sorry. Over the years he's gotten nastier and nastier - but the last couple of weekends have been terrible. Calling me names like fat cunt, getting really drunk and when I wouldn't have sex with him, saying he was going to mess me up, touching me roughly and inappropriately, saying he was going to ruin my life, that I'd wake up and everything would be different tomorrow.

He's now pretending that this didn't happen and that I'm crazy. Saying I have an imbalance. I've no proof.

I'm crying and ranting because I can't believe he can just sit there and pretend he didn't do these terrible things, and the children are joining in with him telling me to stop but I know I'm coming across as crazy while he seems all calm and sane.

I've only got my parents and I can t put this on them. They cant hear this. I dont know what to do. I dont even have a proper contract - im a supply school teacher.

hes delighting in telling me how he will only send a fraction of money when he leaves and I have shouted back that I will get as much as I can from him for the kids. I know it's ugly.

I can't rent somewhere else. My parents paid this deposit for us. He won't leave. I completed the forms for a housing association house about 3 weeks ago, but I haven't heard anything.

What can I do? I wish I had somewhere safe and quiet to go with the kids. He's enjoying this atmosphere, while I am.falling apart. He's so hard and unfeeling and really has no shame.

What can I do. I can't believe he's turned out like this. I loved him.

He is gaslighting you. Is there any way you could secretly record him if he starts up again? You don't have to tell him afterwards until safe to do so but it might keep you from feeling like you are going crazy.

I know - but some people in the teaching profession think it doesn’t happen to “people like us.” There is a stigma about disclosing it.

Yes - he is totally gaslighting the OP.

If this was happening to your kids you'd be horrified that they felt they couldn't tell you because 'didn't want to burden you' though, right? Parents are meant to support their kids when they go through hard times. So assuming your parents are nice, supportive parents then don't worry about leaning on them for support.
Take all the support you can get.

This man has probably implied that you are needy, inconsiderate, insensitive and weak over the years. All in order to stop you feeling you have the right to ask others for help. And to make you only consider his needs, never your own.

Asking for help from people who love you is not needy. It doesn't make you weak or selfish. Nor does not putting up with people who bully you.
Having boundaries and having needs doesn't make you bad or crazy.

Shake off the lies he's been brainwashing you with. It's OK to love yourself, to ask for help, to consider your own wants, needs, desires and dreams and, to say 'no, jog on' to piss taking, gadlighting arseholes who want to drain you dry.

Hi, thanks again for all your messages. I'm at home and in bed. He is sleeping in another room.
I know what you mean about my parents not wanting me to deal with it alone, but they catastrophise and I worry I will end up having to look after their emotions as well as mine and the children.
I will tell them for safeties sake.

If anyone can tell me how I can buy a little house with no money, that would help.

I can't believe this is how it is.

??? Did you read the op

You don't have no money though. Or at least, its a temporary situation. You own property with your husband. Pursue the divorce and the assets will be sold and split.

All you need is somewhere to be temporality without him until everything goes through.

If you report him to the police and they may tell him to stay away from you for now and then you and the kids can remain in the rental property for a time.

When is your lease up here and with the property you own and rent out?

Can't you read?

Op sorry if i missed it but is the house in joint names?

As for the parents catastrophising...it's possible you've had to feel like their parent in the past and that sort of set you up to meet your abusive partner. Because you were already used to always putting everyone else first :(

Based on time update I'd maybe be inclined to get the ball rolling with the police report first then tell them as you don't want them to catastrophise you out of things. Panic is catchy.

They rent their current house but own property elsewhere.

Actually it's a good thing you haven't sold the property yet so he can't find a way to pocket the money for himself. The divorce solicitor will see you get your share.

If any of your money is in a joint account, make sure you get it into your own before doing anything else. Tbf you can even take half of whats in there if you want. It's joint. But just be aware he might drain it so get what's yours out. Maybe straight after you talk with the police and know what their plan is as you want to know you'll be safe when you get home (as he's nicked).

This man has physically assaulted you, sexually too. He's also made threats. You're not safe around him and he frankly, belongs in jail.

Tell your parents-you don't have to tell them specifics but say that you've split up.

You obviously don't have any control over what happens with your husband's job which might impact on how much he gives yours. I know of men who have quit work to avoid having to pay their ex anything at all.

That's no reason not to leave him though. Can you stay with your parents?

Hi, thanks again. No, can't stay with my parents - too many of us and too far from the children's schools.

I think there's nothing I can do until out house is sold. Just avoiding really. Not getting into arguments, and if he does start drinking like last time I will take the children to my parents for the evening.

Hi OP. Please keep posting and checking in with us.

I know what you mean about telling your parents and then worrying and it actually being counter helpful. Can you tell them to top line facts and necessary info without telling them all the details. That might help them think more practically about it rather than emotionally (eg the indivual insults or fights etc). Just that he is verbally and physically abusive and threatening and you need a plan and some support?

Thanks. I will keep posting. It seems to be much worse at the weekend, so I'll avoid him as much as I can.
So far we are being perfectly civil this evening.

Please try calling the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV): https://www.ncdv.org.uk/. They are a charity of mostly ex-police who help victims of domestic abuse get non-molestation orders for free. And it won’t affect his ability to work as it is a civil thing and doesn’t turn into a criminal thing unless he breaches the order. Good luck