How to find more friends in 50’s

[Fridayfeeling77]

Long story but I would like more friends and to have more social options than I currently have. Especially at this point in the year and I can’t see much changing.

I have joined a couple of classes interest groups but one is a small gym class (where we chat occasionally and are pleasant and friendly but thats it) and the other two everyone seems quite a lot older than me and again whilst we all get on well in the class/activity we don’t socialise after or any other occasions.

I have lost touch with almost all of my old friends over a period of time and I occasionally meet old work friends for coffee from time to time but thats about it (but most already have well established full social lives with long term friends).

I once went on a course and I think I came out as being a personality type introverted/extravert so whilst I enjoy being social and sociable in small bursts I also like and need to recharge my social battery by being quiet and doing very little.

Any top tips to broaden my horizons and social circle please?

When I was younger I was often the one who would often say to people do you fancy doing this or that but I kind of got out of the way of it and lost my confidence for doing this after meeting DH and having DC late in life. On the few occasions I have tried recently either I get little to no response or people agree and then decide not to bother but they don’t cancel I only find out when I follow it up.

I'm early 50s and love my WI but it's a good one with a real mix of ages 20s- 80s!

In previous jobs I was fairly sociable and outgoing and I still meet some people from this occasionally but where I work now I mainly work on my own and the other people nearby I have nothing in common with and wouldn’t expect to socialise with.

What do you enjoy? I’m late 50’s but the typical recommendations of choirs, book clubs etc are not my sort of thing. Im
not sporty either so activity clubs were out for me.

I was always very into music so looked on FB for music events that interested me and then braved going on my own. That was about 8/9 years ago and through that scene I’ve made so many friends including a handful I’ve gone away on holiday with both abroad and in the UK.

Its a case of finding your people through shared interests which takes a bit of a leap to start with but it’s worth it.

not really interested in studying right now

Are you sure? Not Renaissance sculpture, or dry stone walling, or opera, or horticulture? Do you mean there’s absolutely nothing you’d be interested in learning more about? Or do you have other pressing priorities that would make it impossible?

rather than anything too steep and strenuous

@Fridayfeeling77 there’s a danger of your beginning to sound closer to 90 than 50. If you want to build connections with new people you may have to put in slightly more effort than you seem willing to consider. It doesn’t have to be literally climbing a mountain - just finding something challenging to do with other people. I mean a shared challenge - not just taking part in a class alongside other strangers.

and the other people nearby I have nothing in common with and wouldn’t expect to socialise with.

I think it’s good that you’ve recognised a problem and are looking to do something proactive before you become painfully isolated and unwilling to try anything new …

The WI I went to ranged from late 20s to mid 80a - a huge range of ages, backgrounds and careers. They were a fascinating bunch of women.

Life intervened as it so often does, but I know I’d be welcomed back if I were able to attend regularly again. I was 45 when I joined and roughly the average age.

I think not having rigid ideas about who you will be friends with makes a difference. I meet up with one friend a few times a year who is 35 years younger than me. I see another who’s at least that much older than me. Some are childfree by chance, some have children or grandchildren, one just got back from 10 weeks in California visiting her third great grandchild.

An interest in the world is far more important to friendship than being born in the same decade.

I have fairly recently joined a gym which I really enjoy to try and loose weight and tone up (after years of putting myself last) and also joined another two classes one is every week the other is on every week but I usually go every other week as I need to spend some time catching up on housework.

I'm a keen gym go-er, and everyone is very friendly but I've never made any friends there, oddly enough!

A dog.
Yesterday morning, I went to a local forest with a friend I've met through our dogs.
In the afternoon, I went to my local park, saw another dog owner I know, we had a little chat and within 5 minutes, we convene to meet soon for dinner.
This morning, I went to the park again and heard my name from afar, a dog walker who saw me, waved at me and we ended up chatting for 15 mins.
Even when it doesn't lead to friendships, it's just really nice to have ad-hoc, lovely interactions with locals, it drastically changes one's experience of an area.
Also, dogs are amazing.

That all sounds very general, OP. I think that one of the common denominators I see in 'I need more friends' posts on here is that they're often too general. They say things like 'I'm a nice person and I just want other nice, ordinary people to have a laugh with'. I think you need to be more specific. Not sporty is helpful (as am I -- I would rather never speak to a new person ever again than join a sports team or club), but if you like walking, maybe there's a less strenuous walking club locally. I know around there there's one that defines itself on not being the mountain climbing club. What are you interested in? Film, books, music, visual arts, crafts, travel, nature/outdoors, politics, food, volunteering, the occult, urban exploration, wild swimming, writing, gardening, history, wildlife, architecture, wine-tasting, spirituality, fashion etc? When you think of having more friends, what do you see yourself doing with them?

We definitely have people who come on their own…I did. We’re a newish group (11yrs old) but aged from 30 to 70. Lots of spin offs too as as well as the regular WI we have wider WI things and I help run an annual camping weekend for 60 women from all over the country.

I’ve just done the design for our new programme so you can see what we do, but if you have a look on the NFWI website you should be able to find details of ones close to you. Lots have social media pages too.

I belong to a few hiking groups some are women only and some are mixed. I have also been in choirs and dance classes, they are a great way to make friends. You do need a common interest. Many women I have met do not seem to have hobbies and many have home based ones like baking, it’s all to do with the patriarchy really if you delve in to it.

Volunteer for a day at a Citizens Advice Bureau - I made loads of friends and loved that I was doing something useful. I also joined Meetup and work part time in a bar in addition to my FT jobs, and that's helped me to make friends. I'm 54.

Another suggesting WI, also local or family history groups, Tangent (45+), choir, walking groups, volunteering.

Yes we have a dog who is older and less tolerant of other dogs now so he just has short walks so I don’t see as many people. I have met a lot of nice people to say hello to. One chance encounter pre pandemic led to three of us going to a yoga class and a meal out. But one of them has moved a goodly few hours away, another had an expected late baby and the other is busy with work and was often late or couldn’t make it as she doesn’t have a 9-5 job.

This has made me think about my friends, and where I met them! I am retired now.

Two are from where I used to work - we’ve stayed in touch over the years, and live not too far from one another. Coffee probably once a month.
Neighbours - a few of us around the same age (late fifties/sixties). We do drinks or pub every few weeks. Local coffee morning too.
WI - I joined my local group, by myself, and some of us get on really well - other than the meetings, we also do drinks or a dog walk maybe once a month.
Writing group - some nice people there, and I’m now good friends with one in particular.
Holidays - I go on group tours, and usually meet very interesting people. Am now friends with one lady who coincidentally lives not too far away - we meet for coffee about once a month.
Old school friend - I contacted her out of the blue years and years after our shared school - she was brilliant about it and very grateful that I had bothered to get in touch again! She lives a fair distance away, and we’ve got things vaguely planned for the future. If we lived closer she’d definitely be a good friend to do things with on a regular basis.

Good luck!

I've tried a couple of groups but everyone seemed to go along with a friend.
There is a local WI but it's very competitive. All they seem to care about is winning trophies in competitions and I'm useless at cooking , sewing and all those kinds of things.

That was what I was thinking they might be like. The person who I used to work with who I don’t like who leads one group is very much like that and I imagine she would be as sarcastic as hell about anyone whose efforts fell short or did anything even remotely slightly different to her.

Go on Meet-Up! I made friends that way. I joined in for a hobby group and a few of us went to the pub afterwards. We set up a WhatsApp group and are now planning to just go for a meal without the hobby part.

There are also Meet-Ups for women who brunch but I haven't had time to go yet. I think that there are lots of people who want more friends out there.

Also I commend you for acknowledgement g your family are antisocial! I spent literally years trying to arrange get-togethers with my cousin's who have DC the same age as mine, nobody ever wanted to meet-up but I kept trying and trying. It was sad really! Took me ages to come to a place where I was comfortable recognising that actually, just because we are related and have kids the same age, we must want to meet up. I still think it's a shame but I no longer try and make time for family get-togethers. It was like flogging a dead horse.

Thanks. I have a DH, a dog, house and I work PT. I did my degree as a mature student and I have done a module from an OU course since. I may take something else up when I retire but not at the moment. Also where I live I would probably have to do OU and thats not a massively sociable way to meet people.

I would just like some more low maintenance friends that I can meet up with and we can have a chat, a coffee, couple of drinks with, a laugh, maybe go to a concert, have a meal, go to the cinema with, go on a shopping trip to another city, celebrate a birthday with etc.

I'm not a member but based on what a friend has told me, if I ever moved to another area and in need of activities and new friends would definitely consider the WI.

Looking at a few of the websites (London) from the photos the age range is wide from 30s to 80s. There seems to be all manner of activities, cinema, architecture walks, wine tasting, book club, history lectures, photography, foraging, swimming, etc.

Yes, mine went the same. When my DC had a birthday I would invite them but they GP’s and my siblings would either decide to come the day before to drop a card off (usually when we weren’t in) or only stop for 5 minutes (couldn’t stay long) or they would say they would prefer to just decide on the day etc?!?

Hours spent tidying the house up, shopping and catering to waste etc etc.

I think it depends on the WI, but I know people who've made lots of friends that way.
How about a book club? I joined one and it's evolved into more of a social group. Half the time, no one has actually read the book! But we meet for dinners, lunches, drinks, cinema and theatre. It's really lovely.
Another thing I'm thinking of doing is joining a walking group. I imagine you get lots of time to talk and get to know others.
I'm also looking at voluntary work. Even if I don't make friends from it I'll be doing something useful and meeting others.

I joined a new ish book club based in a local
pub ran by the landlady. But she had everyone sat on a long thin table with TV blaring in the background so I couldn’t really hear what was being said. I might give that another try.

Something creative / artistic - singing, amateur dramatics, art and craft, writing

Something conversational - book group, discussion groups, political / good cause groups

Something physical - walking, swimming, hiking, climbing, riding, cycling ...

Something interest based - pets, knitting, cooking, collecting

The essential thing is to get into the habit of getting out and about.

You'll soon start to know and get known, and you'll find some of the same people turn up at your different things so you'll have ready made familiarity to build on.

I think it is a number game and if you want to make friends you best cover all the suggestions -

also this sounds very ‘take’, you have to put effort in to make friends, make sure it is reciprocal but still effort.

‘I would just like some more low maintenance friends that I can meet up with and we can have a chat, a coffee, couple of drinks with, a laugh, maybe go to a concert, have a meal, go to the cinema with, go on a shopping trip to another city, celebrate a birthday with etc.’

InstaFriend !

so far you have rebuffed most of the ideas, soooooo ……..

I live in a rural area so there's not a lot of things you'd find in a city.
Some of the time I think I'm happy with my small amount of friends because a lot of the suggestions either don't appeal to me or I'd be no good at