Caring for a married man

[irenestubbs]

Prepared to be flamed..
Had a text fling with a married man - I'm also married
Realised how wrong it was and suffered with mental health.
Ended it .
Realised I have caught feelings.
Miss him.
Not going to do anything about it but finding it hard.
Tell me how stupid I am

What the hell's a text fling? Sounds utterly pointless...do you literally just text....is that it...may as well be ai!

What are you hoping for from this thread?

There's nothing you can do but try to put this man out of your head - whenever you start thinking about him, consciously 'change the subject'. Over time, this will become habitual and you'll stop thinking about him. Eventually you'll wonder what you ever saw in him.

I'm a menopausal depressed woman who is struggling
I'm hoping that someone will tell me to get a grip
I know I'm a load of shit already -

Well perhaps you should be examining the reasons why you reached outside your marriage.

Did you even meet up? Or literally just text? You can't have genuine feelings for someone you're just texting...they could be anyone...ai could send you texts. Just forget him...and work on improving your life whatever that may involve. If you're depressed , see your GP. Don't waste your time feeling guilty...it's done now.

I have - we are working on our marriage and trying to address the issues
Still miss the OM
I'm very much trying to not think about him but it comes back -

Is it a limerance thing rather than a full blown affair? Emotional affair?

Where you texting or sexting?

Are you getting help/support for menopause symptoms?

You miss the fake attention. Stop being pathetic and stop blaming menopause. If the shoe was on the other foot you’d be told to leave your husband.
I hope he finds out and tells the other poor partner.

Time op, time will help. Keep him blocked, and in time everything will become less intense.

He is someone I know and have met
He didn't treat me very well and he wanted kept dangling a carrot and couldn't cope with the risk which is why I ended it
My marriage was in trouble and I have effectively had a breakdown

It hard and confusing

It was an emotional affair. We are very attracted to each other and have a connection
In another time and place we would be together. We both agreed on that
We also sexted
We have blocked each other

I don't think you truly miss him then op ...it sounds like you were just enjoying the attention and it was a bit of distraction for you from normal life. You're not an awful person....try to be kind to yourself

I think you liked the attention of feeling wanted, knowing that they liked hearing from you and took an interest in your life. You know you have troubles in your marriage and this guy seemed like an easy solution as you could have some fun without anything serious happening as you are both married. Almost as if you both knew the other wouldn’t admit to things and risk your marriages.

You miss the connection you had, the excitement it created and feeling like you had someone there for you.

Those feelings will pass but it will take time. It’s good you’re addressing the problems in your marriage but maybe it’s time to think about if the marriage really needs saved or if you and your husband would be better separated.

I am glad I am acknowledging how I feel though
Regardless how stupid I feel
Married people are not made of stone and find it hard
Long marriages are sometimes hard work
I am sure over time I will get over it

Yeah, you'll get over it.

I think it’s natural to feel periodic attraction to others when you’re in a long-term relationship. Why would there be a wedding vow to foresake all others if everyone else immediately became unattractive?

The point of commitment is putting your LTR first, despite passing attraction to others. It’s also important to remember that if the other man were your husband, then your current husband would be the one who looks shiny, new and exciting.

I’ve had occasional crushes on other men. It’s what you do about them that counts. The feelings will pass in time if you let them.

Remember that he wasn’t particularly nice to you.

He said himself that he is a guarded person- ex military. Wouldn't give himself away and wouldn't risk anything
I'm not making excuses for him as he had a choice
Working hard at my marriage now which was becoming abusive
Need to put my effort into that and forget about him

If your marriage is abusive then surely you’re better off leaving. It doesn’t just have to be a choice between your husband or an affair. You can be single. It won’t make you disappear in a puff of smoke! Why are people in unhappy marriages so desperate not to be single?

What he did for a living is completely irrelevant to his behaviour towards you. Or are you saying that if he’d been more declarative and daring, you’d now have left your marriage for him?

@irenestubbs i am a bit concerned here that you are working on a marriage that is “abusive”. It sounds more like this OM may have taken advantage of your situation. However wrong it may be , I do understand you are hurting. The here and now is you are working on your marriage. However if there is abusive, get therapy for yourself as getting out may be the best option here.

See if you can be a bit nicer to yourself. It's sunny today where I am. Could you get outside? Have a small treat like take a coffee outside and look at a view? Walk to the pub for a drink with your partner later? Have a game with the kids, make a cake together?

I'm speaking from experience here. If you're having such a bad time that some dirty texts from an unavailable man are the highlight of your day, life is a bit shit. Take action to make it less shit in other ways. Try and find other things to look forward to. I'm not going to tell you he will disappear from your mind, but you can fill it with other things.

I agree with @PermanentTemporary Your life is possibly very empty, and you’re lonely. You need to fill it with other things, that doesn’t involve texting a married man for an emotional connection

What has happened to you is perfectly normal, perfectly understandable, especially in your circumstances, and you have handled it really well.

You should be totally congratulating yourself for how well you have dealt with this, shows really insight and strength of character.

You seem to be on negative overdrive about yourself, well really, you should be proud and praising yourself.

Work on that.

Time will heal your feelings for this man. Its always hard at first and then fades.

Don't work on an abusive marriage, leave it.