Caring for a married man

[irenestubbs]

Prepared to be flamed..
Had a text fling with a married man - I'm also married
Realised how wrong it was and suffered with mental health.
Ended it .
Realised I have caught feelings.
Miss him.
Not going to do anything about it but finding it hard.
Tell me how stupid I am

Still miss the OM

You never had him. You're obsessing over an idea in your head. Things that never happened with someone who doesn't exist. That's easier to 'catch feelings for' than real people with all their flaws. Stop feeding that fantasy and get help for yourself to fix what's wrong in your life and move on from this OM and your marriage if that's what it takes. The answer isn't in men, it's in you, so better to stop self-flagellating about how stupid and tragic you are and start rebuilding.

Maybe leave both of them. Why are you trying to save a marriage with an abusive man?

I think maybe you should be on your own and seek therapy.

Hoe do you catch feelings?
Totally misses point of thread...

With the best will in the world, you don’t need anybody to tell you you’re being stupid and need to stop this. You just need to tell yourself you are being stupid and you need to stop doing this.
If you need other people to police you, you have still not taken responsibility for your own actions.
It’s simple: you stop doing it, you don’t do it again, you miss him initially, like everybody does at the end of any relationship, then you get on with your life and the feelings fade.
But the hard bit is: you have to want to stop doing it. If you don’t, a thousand randoms on Mumsnet could tell you you’re being stupid and need to stop but it won’t make a shred of difference to you. You’ll carry on doing it.
I guess I’m old and don’t understand this ‘catching feelings’ for somebody, it sounds like randomly getting some disease that you had no control over. If you fancy somebody and pursue the connection, it’s hardly unsurprising that how you feel intensifies, so if you don’t want to ‘catch feelings’ for somebody, stay away from them once you know you fancy them, in the same way you’d avoid somebody sneezing if you didn’t want to catch a cold.
If you want to stop, stop. Pursuing the connection caused the feelings, stopping it and moving on will stop them. Feeling the way you do doesn’t mean stopping what you are doing is problematic, it means it’s more painful than if you’d stayed away earlier. It doesn’t mean you can’t stop though.
Nobody can stop this except you or him, it doesn’t matter what anybody says if you want to keep doing it.
Your marriage is a separate issue to be dealt with when your view of it is no longer filtered through the lens of the feelings you “caught” from this man.
Don’t rely on Mumsnet to tell you you to stop, take responsibility for your actions yourself and stop before many other people get far more hurt than any feelings you caught from him are hurting you.

Ime, if a person is considering or find themselves in the midst of a burgeoning affair, there is something wrong with the relationship they're in and the one they're trying to escape into. One is an issue and the other is a reaction to the issue. You said yours is abusive. That's a problem, trying to escape via a fling is probably just a new way to avoid...something. some primary thing which is also the reason you haven't independently left an abusive relationship under your own steam. Therapy?

Paste all the messages into ChatGPT and ask it to analyse them.

I did this with my ex and it was fascinating, highlighting (with examples) manipulation etc even with tiny red flags in places!

Also I'd recommend long walks listening to jolly podcasts.

Sorry I missed the part about your husband being abusive.

Perhaps make a new thread just talking about what is happening there. Phone or email Women's Aid. Make steps to leave him.

He's a man willing to prioritise himself before his family, he is a sneaky cheating lier. It's not an attractive quality.
His shit stinks, he complains an wears saggy baggy grey joggers at the weekend.
Be ready for the wrath of the wife when she finds out.