Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to terminate pregnancy

42 replies

RANDYGILES90 · 02/03/2025 19:55

I have a previous thread about my boyfriend discussing me with his parents, for background.
We are both mid thirties, I am divorced with children, he has been single for over a decade. I have a professional career and can support my children, and an additional one without relying on him.

I'm about 9 weeks pregnant, unplanned as I have the coil in situ. My boyfriend does not want to me continue the pregnancy and has made remarks such as it's unfair that he doesn't have an equal say in the matter, and how he feels like I've lied to him as I always said I didn't want another child. He said he no longer trusts me. I have always said I didn't want another child, but it was a hypothetical situation as I was using what I thought was reliable contraception, so I didn't expect to end up pregnant. He also says that he has always wanted to have children but he gave up that idea to be with me, and now I should give up the idea of having the baby.

I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or not really, just a handhold please.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 02/03/2025 20:04

This must be very stressful.
You are not dealing with an adult man with an informed perspective, but one who lives with his mother and does not lead an adult life as a grown man.
On that basis alone, his opinion counts for very little. He has no idea what fatherhood is about at all. His mother and relatives will always come first so I think that is important to note.
You are a bright, together, accomplished woman so the best, first decision to make would be to step away from this man. He can never be a partner to you.
The decision to have another child is then yours. If you keep the baby, I would be worried that this man child and his oppressive mum would have any say in the child’s life.
However, as a mum who already knows the ropes, if you want to keep your baby then make that decision alone.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You certainly had high hopes for this relationship but sadly this man just isn’t mature enough to have one at all.

Lolarowan · 02/03/2025 20:09

This just doesn't really happen with the coil. You're not being upfront here. Did you plan it?

RandomMess · 02/03/2025 20:12

@Lolarowan it's not as rare as you seem to think it is.

Wowzel · 02/03/2025 20:14

It can definitely happen with a coil in, and has happened to 2 of my friends that I know of. 1 terminated and 1 kept the baby.

Original poster
RANDYGILES90 · 02/03/2025 20:16

Lolarowan · 02/03/2025 20:09

This just doesn't really happen with the coil. You're not being upfront here. Did you plan it?

No, definitely not planned as his circumstances are less than ideal. It clearly does happen though, as I had an emergency gynae appointment where they said anyone who falls pregnany with the coil should be scanned to ensure it's not ectopic, so it's not unheard of.

OP posts:
0ctavia · 02/03/2025 20:17

Have you had medical advice and had your coil removed ?

Now you are pregnant it’s your choice if you keep the baby or not. He has his choice when he had PIV sex with you, an IUD isn’t 100% safe.

Do you want to have the baby ?

IchiNiSanShiGo · 02/03/2025 20:17

“He also says that he has always wanted to have children but he gave up that idea to be with me, and now I should give up the idea of having the baby.”

then I dont think he ever wanted children in the first place, so “always wanted children” is a huge lie designed to get what he wanted.

If you want the baby, and he doesn’t get on board, the relationship is doomed.

If you want the baby but terminate, the relationship is doomed.

If you don’t want the baby, his reaction has shown how cowardly he is.

Figure out how you feel about the baby, then take it from there.

Dotty87 · 02/03/2025 20:17

I'd get rid of the man child, don't let him influence your decision about the baby. If he didn't want children he could have had a vasectomy couldn't he?

RedVelvetIcing · 02/03/2025 20:21

Lolarowan · 02/03/2025 20:09

This just doesn't really happen with the coil. You're not being upfront here. Did you plan it?

What are you talking about? Some women fall pregnant on the coil 🙄

NormallyAwkward · 02/03/2025 20:22

@Lolarowan my mum got pregnant with a coil in. It happens.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 02/03/2025 20:25

I know 3 people that got pregnant on the coil. Considering that's 3 people I know well enough to know that's what happened probably is telling as to how common it is.

Your body your choice.

Cherrylips99 · 02/03/2025 21:35

Although the ultimate decision is with the OP, her DP is entitled to an opinion.

if the pregnancy wasn’t planned, then it’s a massive change of life and if he doesn’t think he or they as a couple are ready to bring another life into the world then good on him on expressing his concerns.

as for the vasectomy comment, unless you are a father already to multiple children very few men would or should be expected to get the snip in their mid 30’s. What if the relationship breaks down and he then definitely can’t have kids with a new partner?

Most people expect contraception to work, so it’s a bit unfair to put the blame on him.

mindutopia · 02/03/2025 21:48

Your choice and your choice alone. It will be you who carries the weight of this decision, whether you have another child or you have a termination. I wouldn’t even consider his opinion. And dump. He sounds awful.

Also the effectiveness of the modern copper coil is 99%. That means of every 100 women with the coil in a given year, 1 will get pregnant. Over the lifetime of the coil, say 5 years, that means 5 of every 100 women will get pregnant. I’m pretty sure though that when I had mine, 10 years ago, the effectiveness was not that high. The newer ones have more copper so are meant to work better.

ScrollingLeaves · 02/03/2025 21:50

he feels like I've lied to him as I always said I didn't want another child. He said he no longer trusts me. I have always said I didn't want another child, but it was a hypothetical situation as I was using what I thought was reliable contraception, so I didn't expect to end up pregnant

He sounds so nasty that the first step is to leave him.

Then decide what you want and whether you could get all the help you would need if you did keep the baby on your own.

Whatever happens do not stay with him.

0ctavia · 03/03/2025 13:47

Cherrylips99 · 02/03/2025 21:35

Although the ultimate decision is with the OP, her DP is entitled to an opinion.

if the pregnancy wasn’t planned, then it’s a massive change of life and if he doesn’t think he or they as a couple are ready to bring another life into the world then good on him on expressing his concerns.

as for the vasectomy comment, unless you are a father already to multiple children very few men would or should be expected to get the snip in their mid 30’s. What if the relationship breaks down and he then definitely can’t have kids with a new partner?

Most people expect contraception to work, so it’s a bit unfair to put the blame on him.

No one is blaming him. They are pointing out that two consenting adult chose to have PIV sex knowing that pregnancy was a possible outcome.

He took that risk, the same as she did. She made every effort to prevent pregnancy and he made none.

He did this knowing that the law in the Uk does not allow men to force women to have abortions. So it was both their choices to have sex, his choices end when he came inside her and her choices end at about 12 or 14 weeks.

They both have choices when the baby is born - they can care for the baby or not.

People are blaming him for bitching about his choices , the law and biology. None of which are under the control of the OP. Hes blaming her for the consequences of his own actions.

Waterlilysunset · 03/03/2025 13:50

Get some abortion choices counselling and talk it through with a professional. I used to Choices Charity Islington - free 2 hour counselling. They found me an appt within 24 hours

ultimately though I would say do what you feel you want with your body as it’s going to be you signing the termination form if you go ahead

MsPavlichenko · 03/03/2025 13:56

I am not sure why you have started another thread. Your situation is even worse than it appears here given his awful family. I am posting what I said there. He is not going to change.

It is quite clear. You can’t rely on him , his family are at best unsupportive, at worst toxic.

If you continue with the pregnancy you’ll have them all involved in your life for years. This will negatively impact you, and your DC . You must know this? Please think carefully about whether you want that for you, and them .

BettyBardMacDonald · 03/03/2025 14:08

I would terminate in a heartbeat.

ItGhoul · 03/03/2025 14:12

Lolarowan · 02/03/2025 20:09

This just doesn't really happen with the coil. You're not being upfront here. Did you plan it?

It absolutely can happen with the coil.

ItGhoul · 03/03/2025 14:23

I remember your other thread. I really don't know why this man is still your boyfriend, as he is a complete waste of space with a deranged, clingy family that he's weirdly over enmeshed with.

It's perfectly reasonable for him to state his opinion on what he thinks should happen with the pregnancy. But of course he cannot make you have an abortion. Personally, if I were in your situation I would want to have an abortion, but if you don't, he cannot make you have one.

He also doesn't have to have anything to do with his child if you go through with the pregnancy. You could still pursue him for CMS, but you might prefer not to if you can support another child yourself and you'd rather have little to no involvement with him.

Whether you have this child or not, you really need to end this dysfunctional relationship.

Velvian · 03/03/2025 14:27

Lolarowan · 02/03/2025 20:09

This just doesn't really happen with the coil. You're not being upfront here. Did you plan it?

What on earth are you on about?

Ponderingwindow · 03/03/2025 14:36

Him saying that it’s not fair that he doesn’t get a say is awful. He shouldn’t be putting that kind of pressure on you. The person in control is the person whose body holds the genetic material. Sperm in his body. His decision. Embryo in your body. Your decision. Baby outside your body. Baby starts expressing opinions from the minute it is born.

He gets to express his opinion once and then you take that under advisement as you make your decision. You will be dealing with him as a coparent if you decide to continue the pregnancy. He could disappear or he might choose to be involved. That won’t be your decision.

You know what you are getting yourself into in terms of caring for another child, emotionally, physically, and financially. It’s your decision and yours alone.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 03/03/2025 14:42

Lolarowan · 02/03/2025 20:09

This just doesn't really happen with the coil. You're not being upfront here. Did you plan it?

Some cursory internet research (a quick Google!), would tell you that you're wrong, it does happen.

commonsense61 · 03/03/2025 14:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 03/03/2025 14:55

Lolarowan · 02/03/2025 20:09

This just doesn't really happen with the coil. You're not being upfront here. Did you plan it?

Well unless my DD is a figment of my imagination, that's a load of bullshit.

Swipe left for the next trending thread