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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Split up - should I still give him his birthday gifts?

42 replies

jubs15 · 02/03/2025 12:02

Back story, the "relationship" I've been in for nearly a year hasn't been a relationship for ages. No intimacy, don't spend much time together, he brings all sorts of restrictions and limitations, not to mention communication problems caused by his inability to talk about anything. He's not an unkind or nasty person, but all I've been enjoying is affection as there's nothing else there, not even "I love you".

After a frustrating phone call yesterday I decided it wasn't fair to carry on what has become a farce. He can't change who he is, but I can't continue being in a one-way relationship. I have ended it this morning and he's accepted why, but I feel like I've kicked a puppy. It's his birthday in four days' time and I had (somewhat reluctantly) spent £100 on gifts for him. Should I make it a clean break and return what I bought for a refund or go and leave the gifts on his doorstep or something? I feel guilty at the timing, but at the same time it's a lot of money to spend on someone I no longer want to be with. He gets notifications on his watch if someone approaches the front door, so he may well try to persuade me to give things yet another go. However, he will otherwise have no birthday because he has no friends and an odd family. What would you do?

OP posts:
Thelondonone · 02/03/2025 12:03

I’d get a refund!

DaringTurtle · 02/03/2025 12:03

Return the gifts. Spend the money on something nice for yourself.

PlumTiger · 02/03/2025 12:04

Clean break would be kindest. Return those gifts.

RedVelvetIcing · 02/03/2025 12:04

No it sounds like you’ve been flogging a dead horse for a while.

Get a refund and spend that money on yourself.

Lovelysummerdays · 02/03/2025 12:04

Clean break and get a refund.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/03/2025 12:05

You've split up so don’t leave him the gifts, to do so would be sending very mixed messages and would give him hope that you want to rekindle things. If you want to stay friends send him a card or a text but giving him expensive gifts will suggest to him that you don’t see things as being properly over. It’s not your responsibility to give him a good birthday. Why doesn’t he have any friends?

user2848502016 · 02/03/2025 12:05

Get a refund on the gifts. You might give him false hope that there's still a chance to get back together if you give them to him, kinder to make a clean break

Gamerlady · 02/03/2025 12:05

That's not your problem anymore. Return the gifts and treat yourself.

RedVelvetIcing · 02/03/2025 12:07

He accepted the reason instead of fighting to make changes for it to continue and work so it’s no longer your problem that he doesn’t have anyone around him for his birthday.

The way he can’t communicate is probably why he’s alone.

sonjadog · 02/03/2025 12:09

Refund. I actually think it would be unkind to give him presents now: "I don't want to be with you, but here is a load of presents that I felt bad about refunding. But don't get any ideas that this means I might still be interested, because I'm not". I think the presents would just rub salt in the wound where it is best just to leave it as it is.

Normallynumb · 02/03/2025 12:17

No he doesn't deserve the present and the relationship is over
Return it and buy yourself something nice.
You deserve it

Rocknrollstar · 02/03/2025 13:12

Definitely go for a refund.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 02/03/2025 13:17

You can't go giving him the presents. It would be kicking a whole litter of puppies!
He's an ex now. At most, I'd be doing a happy birthday post on FB but nothing else.
He's not your responsibility. He never was, but I recognise the feelings of guilt!

Username0826485858585 · 02/03/2025 13:23

If it was an easy return get them returned and treat yourself if it's more complicated (brought from a niche website in the states for example) then I'd consider just leaving them to save the faff.

Andifimturningblue · 02/03/2025 13:23

There’s no harm in ending with an act of kindness, but only if you know it’s something he’s really into.

You never know when you might bump into him again or need something from him. I don’t believe in burning bridges, that’s assuming there’s no abuse.

I would advise against delivering it yourself, too much chance of messiness.
Just post it.

Are you expecting a birthday gift from him, is he that sort, or he’s a sullen sort?

WilfredsPies · 02/03/2025 13:56

Definitely a refund; you’re sending a really mixed message if you deliver a load of gifts. A clean break is kindest.

And no, he’s probably not going to have the most exciting birthday he’s ever had, but perhaps it might prompt him to think about how he treats the people in his life, and the consequences of that.

outerspacepotato · 02/03/2025 15:10

Why would you give him the gifts if the relationship is over?

Are you hoping he'll contact you if you leave them for him?

Go for the clean break unless you want more of the same that you had to pay for.

Andifimturningblue · 02/03/2025 15:39

How come he has no friends? What is an odd family, that could mean anything

jubs15 · 02/03/2025 16:24

Andifimturningblue · 02/03/2025 15:39

How come he has no friends? What is an odd family, that could mean anything

He has ASD and although he talks of friends he had in the past, he doesn't have any now. He met up with one friend one time for a bike ride in the time we were together, but although I would encourage him to keep in touch with the guy he made little effort. He puts no effort into anything or anyone, tbh.

As for his family, he claims they weren't bothered that he didn't give them their Christmas presents in time for Christmas. They never knew of my existence, because apparently they would ask too many questions. The one time he was invited out for a meal with them, they mentioned in the invite that they knew he'd say no. I suspected he's alienated them as much as he has everyone else.

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 02/03/2025 16:30

Get your money back!!

shellyleppard · 02/03/2025 16:31

Definitely get a refund.... don't give him the presents or h will just guilt you into coming back to him

0ctavia · 02/03/2025 16:39

So you didn’t talk, spend time together , go out together, you never met any family or friends , all you did was “ enjoy affection” , which I assume means have sex - is that right ? It sounds more like fuck buddies without the buddy than a relationships TBH.

Do what everyone else says and return the gifts.

And if you want an actual relationship with a man in future, then don’t accept less and hope it will change . Because it never does.

PinkArt · 02/03/2025 16:41

100% return/ refund. This isn't a relationship you've been in for half your life that you might want to salvage a friendship from, it's a relationship that hasn't even hit the year mark yet. It should have been in the honeymoon stage still but sounds like it died on its arse before it even got going.
You've ended it, he's accepted it, it's time for you both to move on now.

CarrieOnComplaining · 02/03/2025 16:55

Refund.

Not fair to send mixed messages.

Ohapal · 02/03/2025 16:56

Clean break and refund.

For both your sakes.

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