Bored/mid-life crisis/end of 20 years?

[sparkybabe]

DH and I have been together 20 years, we have 3 kids, (youngest is only 9) but we have had one bad patch after another for the past 2 years or so. we moved to our (my) dream house about 2 years ago, and spent quite a lot doing it up, which I wanted to do. (He wanted to buy a house that was more expensive and already done-up) He spends a lot of time travelling with his job, about once a month he'll be away. I don;t really mind this, I quite like being alone, but I do feel that it has made us drift apart quite a bit. We had a long discussion the other day, when I told him i feel that I have become 90% MUM, 7% Mrs-Sparky and only 3% is left of the actually sparky,flirty, sexy, impulsive girl I was. I am not unattractive, and feel that I am being blended into the wallpaper. He often tells me how attractive I am, that he loves me, he's appreciative of my cooking and DIY etc, and I know that compared to some on here, he is an angel.
But I am bored. I want to be attractive to others. I have never had an affair (and neither has he) but do I want a fling? (never really been that interested in sex) Or should I just accept that I am mid-forties and should be settled down? Or shuold I go it alone, as I like the freedom when he is not here?
Whatever happens, the happiness of the dc comes first.

before you doing anything rash, can you firstly address the balance 90% Mum to something more in your favour? ie get a job, meet new people, hobbies? Time out on your own wth DH.. get back into sex with him -- new underwear, toys, places?

I think if you spent 6 months doing that and then re-assessed you might be in a different place...

But this is the classic midlife crisis I know as been there bought more than the t-shirt!

What else do you have in your life? Are you out at work? Hobbies?

An affair will give you a temporary buzz and a shed load of other problems to deal with.

well unless you are wealthy you might find money rather tighter if you split

and you dont sound that miserable just as you say bored

so it would be alot of ypheaval to split becaus eof boredom

think what things you would like to do

you are in alucky position to be quite settled with no major problems?

so you can make some interesting plans

I never wanted to get a job, dh was quite happy for me to be a SAHM and we can afford it, so I've not done anything in the past 16 years, other than dinner-lady/helped out in school, that sort of thing. I am bored, bored with the same old conversations, sex, holidays. I do go away occassionally, with girlfriends, and those weekends are fun, but then I come back...
I think the prob is, he loves me more than I love him. But we can't afford to have him move out, and I dont' really want him to, I want the kids to stay settled. I always said I would stay until the youngest was old enough, then I would travel, do what I want. I thought I could come back and still be part of the couple, but I dont know if I can still do that. A midlife crisis it may be, and yes a lot of upheaval for boredom, but what else can I do? I either stay in this boredom and everyone is miserable by association, or I split and everyone is miserable because mum(or dad) left.
I am not looking for deep answers, but it helps me just to be writing it down.

You are bored because you have allowed yourself to become bored.

You need to separate out your feelings for your husband, and whether you need other things in your life.

You must have worked at one time. What did you do? If you split up, you would need to work, so you need to think about that now.

Sorry to sound old fashioned, but there is a saying "The devil makes work for idle hands"

Conversations are 2-way streets. If they are boring you, what does that tell you about you? What are YOU contributing, either to the conversations, or your marriage?

Instead of wanting an all-singing, all dancing husband, get out and get yourself a life so that you something that interests you. Doing some voluntary work with people who aren't as fortunate as you could be just what you need.

Sorry, I haven't much sympathy with you- it's so adolescent to say "I'm bored." If you have a brain, and money, the world's your oyster, quite honestly.

and if you need to sort out what's going on in your head re.marriage, talking to a counsellor might help.

I would say you're too old for it to be a mid-life crisis. Your youngest is 9. You need a job, join the Real World.

well there are loads of solutions to boredom especially if money is not a problem and clearly it isnt

dont you have any oimagination

you are in a potentially idyllic position you could do whatever you like to make your life more interesting

i am slightly incredulous that all you can think of is a fling

hls might sound harsh but I think her words are wise. I have been with my dh for 20 years and have had these crisies before! I was convinced the grass would be greener.

But look at what you have in front of you...a husband who loves you, is not afraid to show it and tell you. Think of all the women on here whose husbands never do that, or lift a finger in the house.

Its up to you to inject some life into your relationship as it sounds like you have laid down and died. Go away with him..have loads of sex.

I think the advice to fill your day with more than SAHM stuff is good too, not so your eye can wander but so you appreciate what you have at home when you come back to it.

What you do have sounds pretty good to me..don't throw it away in an effort to be desirable to someone new when you could be desirable to your dh all over again. I want to send you a virtual shake!

yes virtual shake is the thing

you need to make your life more interesting surely yopu have some kind of interests or ambitions or alturisitc feelings

I just wanted to add that you have the LUXURY of time on your hands because your DH is working his butt of to keep you in a nice home. (I am not jealous- I was able to be a SAHM for many years and could be again if I chose to.

So instead of bleating you are bored, why not go back to college, get some qualifications or whatever, or if that doesn't appeal, then at least make a contribution tot he world in some way outside of home.see
www.do-it.org

Sorry- I know this sounds harsh, but what you need is a kick up the bum!

I think the expression for this is "get a life" Harsh but apposite

You're focussing on defining yourself in terms of your own (now diminishing - it comes to us all) attractiveness. That's a bad strategy for most people. You sound unfulfilled. So I say again - get a life.

or of a course leave him and get a toyboy

Agree with Quattro. It may sound harsh, but it's true. You've had it cushty- sitting at home, doing the occasional bit of school stuff to fit round the kids, weekends away with your girlfriends (funded by your DH ). You are bored because you need more in your life. And the key there is YOUR life. Not living vicariously through your children or latching on to your DH as an appendage. For many women, the need to go out to work and earn a crust means that they never have your problem in the first place. But remember that work is about a lot more than just the pay cheque - it can give you a sense of direction, and raise your self esteem and basically make you a more interesting person. At least get out and get some qualifications, do some voluntary work, SOMETHING because at the moment you sound like you are on a treadmill of boredom and disatisfaction.

Thanks ladies - it helped to just write it down. I think bored is probably the wrong expression, I feel that life is passing me by. A woman I know got killed recently, and she was like me, kids, happy enough, trolling along. It has made me think. I've been a SAHM and loved it, and yes I'm happy with the kids, but I dont think I fancy dh any more, and we have grown apart, whilst he's been off 'working' (lots of the travelling is more like Jollies, in my view) and I like being alone. Being a single parent doesn't frighten me, I've been doing it for the past few years, for weeks at a time.
Alfiesbabe - I don't feel that I have been 'funded' by DH - yes he pays for everything, but I don't work for money. The relationship is not about money - i don't earn, he does. I do the childcare, he doesn't. Money is not the common denominator. And I don't feel like an appendage to him - that's probably a problem in itself, I am too strong a woman, and the strong one in this relationship.
Riven - I have every sympathy, you feel trapped because maybe you are. I feel trapped too, like it's my last chance to find my life, but at least I have options. A lot of these ideas are good ones, getting more of an education, hobbies, etc. Maybe we both need the relationship with dh to take more of a backseat...

You need religion or politics!!

Seriously though, When faced with a turning point in my life - half my family died in about 6 months - I went back to college, did Women's Studies, and trained and worked as a rape crisis counselor - it was an amazing thing for me to do and I felt so much better for getting off my grieving backside and helping other people who were in much worse shape.

There are loads of organisations who would love your help - from hospices to pony clubs.

Try and remember what gets you fired up? what are you interested in really? and go and do it!

It sounds as if you got married and had kids young? Before you found out who you really were- and now they are growing up, you suddenly realise there is more to life than being a mum? Is that right?

Was your aim in life always to be married and h ve kids- and has the gloss now worn off, especially as you don't seem to love your H any more?

I wonder if you are being realistic about being a single mum? Are you expecting your husband to maintain you? It's easy to think you want to be on your own when all your expenses are being taken care of, but how could you manage if you had to work to support yourself? You will only get financial support until your children are older.

I don't understand this feeling trapped. if you have money and you seem to say there is plenty of it, then why can't you have the life you want? If you have no need to work, surely you can find loads of things to do that will make you happy?

Riven - you can be bored even if very busy, if what you are doing is predictable and repetetive..

HLS - I was 30 before I got married, and 31 when I had ds1. So I had had a life before, and I am aware that I am not the girl I was before. I probably should get a job/hobby/charity work, but I also am aware that doing that would only fill the hole left in my days (which are not actually that empty, I have lots of hobbies and friends and I have the house to do up still ongoing) but the hole left in me would still be there. What do I do if I dont love him any more? What if there is someone out there who is my 'soulmate' ? I take it you are with someone you love and who loves you? What is you fell out of love with him but had everything materially you could want? Is that enough?
Riven - please talk to me, i feel you are in a worse position than me, and I would like to help, even if it's just a good old moan!

sparky

I think I said in my very first post to you, that you had to decide whether it was your DH that you were fed-up with (putting it lightly)or the rest of your life. You seem confused as to which it is.

You have said very little so far about your relationship- except that he is away a lot and you bring the kids up on your for much of the time. I said that if you did split up, would your financial situation change- or would he keep you and the children indefinitely- in the manner in which you are accustomed!

You said you felt that life was passing you by- what does that mean, to you?

You say you are bored and want to be attractive to others- what does THAT mean? Does it mean you only feel valued if you have someone doting on you? But doesn't your DH do that? You seem to think he loves you? What exactly is it that you are looking for?

You don't want an affair- but you might want a fling? What to you is the difference?

I still go back to the same thing- WHAT is it that you are unhappy with?

And my own situation- no, it's not all I want. But i'd never say i was bored. I am not looking for a man to plug the gaps in my head or my life. I am not looking for someone to make me happy- as only I can do that.

Maybe you need to talk to someone in RL such as a counsellor- you sound confused.

I agree with hls - you do not need anyone to make you happy only you can make that for yourself.

You need to find out what it is that makes you happy.

I can understand about the lovely house as a we once lived in what i thought was my dream house - i ended up hating it and now live in a smaller house (we could afford a much larger one but both realise that it would only be for the benifit of others). We choose to live in a smaller house spend less time doing it up, keeping it clean and doing the garden. We now have more time to do the things we want - family and couple things.

I do understand the feeling of being trapped but like others have said have a long look at yourself first before looking elsewhere. It is not easy to find out what you want as we are 'conditioned' to expect the happy family and the lovely house and the nice holidays ect - it is not always easy to actually say 'no thanks' that is not what i want.

You may be surprised - h may want something different too but again just feels this is what is expected of him.

As for the wanting to be admired by others you can still do that with your h - how about meeting in a hotel and 'chatting each other up'? There are lots of ways to bring some fantasy into your relationship without straying and being hurtful to your h.

Thanx ladies - I'm not sure what I expected, but I suppose I thought a little symapthy might have been forthcoming. I have spent 20 years doing the dutiful mother/corporate wife thing, feeling guilty if I go out more than once a month, or spend any money on myself. The consensus is that I a) need a slap, b) should be happy with the material things I have and the loving attentive husband I have, c) should be bettering myself, not complaining, and d) should not be wanting anything more to fill the hole in my heart. I don't fancy DH though he is a great father and provider; we have grown apart - should I really be happy with this gilded cage and not look for something more? I don't want an affair, just a challenge I suppose, and 'chatting up' my own dh is so not going to be that! I already have him, heart soul and bodyand have had for 20 years. Where's the challenge? Maybe I am a bitch for wanting more than that...but I feel that I am a challenge to him and that's why he is still interested.
happywoman - the house is my dream house, I love doing it up, and dont begrudge the time we spend on it. I have lived in all sorts of places, from a grotty squat in Whitechapel through mobile-home parks and flats etc, to my lovely home now. I don't say that I would like to go back to some of them . I don;t need someone else to make me happy, I am happiest on my own to be honest, just me and the dc. I don't want him to mov out, just to not be my OH any more. I feel I am responsible for his happiness, and I don't think I want that responsibilty.

Hi Sparkybabe- sorry you felt you needed sympathy. From what you have said, it looks as if you know what you have to do- get out of your marriage? If you do not fancy your H any more, then why are you still there? Simple question!
You sound confused. I don't know what "challenge" you are looking for- can you define that more clearly? Is it an intellectual challenge? Is it somebody to make you feel good- like the buzz that comes with a new relationship?

Why do you feel guilty if you go out or spend money on yourself? Does your H make you feel guilty- or are you using this idea as an excuse to stop yourself doing something you might want to do? It just sounds like you don't really know what you want- sorry, but you do come over as being a bit spoiled ,(plenty of money etc etc, doting husband) and shallow.

If you are really unhappy with your H , then get out of the relationship. Is that what you are saying you want?

Sparky, you have my sympathy, though I would love the opportunity to have enough money to feel bored - but I do agree with the others that you need to think hard about what it is you want - and what you might lose or gain in the pursuit of that. You seem confused and to have lost your way (you're not too old for a mid-life crisis)

You seem to be saying that you have lost the 'spark' in your marriage because H presents no emotional challenge any more. Have you asked yourself, seriously, how would you feel, really feel, if your H was posting like this? What would you feel if he came home one day and said he wanted - or had found - someone else? If the answer is 'nothing', then you may possibly have reached the end of the road, or this may be a state of the doldrums that can be rescued - think VERY hard before embarking on any separation. You will face financial constrictions, may eventually lose the house you love etc.

Either way, before making any decisions, I really feel you should try counselling - perhaps without H at the start, and then with, if he's willing. It would really help you to define your feelings and see if there is a way forward.