Tone of voice wrong

MrsJHernandez · 01/03/2025 17:01

He sounds overly sensitive to some comments that weren't even about him. Has he always been this way? I couldn't live with a partner like this.

How are things otherwise? He could be wanting to end the relationship and doesn't have the guts to do it himself and is trying to get you to do it.

Or he could be so insecure that he wants you to beg him not to leave as proof that you love him.

If he threatens to leave again, just say "OK". It'll get really stressful to constantly be threatened with this. It's a bit abusive imo, and accusing you of using the wrong tone is a bit gaslight-y as its making you question whether you've done or said something wrong. Walking on eggshells is no way to be in a relationship.

Cutecatty · 01/03/2025 17:04

He’s so controlling he thinks he gets to tell you how you can speak.

Once someone starts playing Tone Police they are treating you with contempt. Does he always position himself as the victim?

NovemberMorn · 01/03/2025 17:06

Maybe he has a guilty conscience about something.

Original poster

Mattjack2 · 01/03/2025 17:11

Cutecatty · 01/03/2025 17:04

He’s so controlling he thinks he gets to tell you how you can speak.

Once someone starts playing Tone Police they are treating you with contempt. Does he always position himself as the victim?

Quite a bit yes. It always seems to be everyone else's fault

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/03/2025 17:16

To an abuser it’s always everyone else’s fault and never their own. He probably uses the technique of DARVO on you routinely.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

And you are with him at all because…

category12 · 01/03/2025 17:17

'we've all done things we shouldn't'

What did he do that he's got such a guilty conscience about? Is he referring to some history between you that you would be justified in holding a grudge about?

Ahsheeit · 01/03/2025 17:21

I've negotiated this by telling them to fuck off out of my life.

HenDoNot · 01/03/2025 17:22

Next time he says ‘maybe I should leave’ you should reply, ‘yes maybe you should’.

If my partner used leaving as a threat I’d tell him straight that’s the first and last time he does that, and the next time he utters those words I’ll be packing his bags for him.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 01/03/2025 17:22

its just another way of saying shut the fuck up really.

JemimaFlubberCluck · 01/03/2025 17:32

It’s one of my pet hates when someone else tells me what I meant when I said something. And then tells me I’m wrong when I object to being misunderstood. Dick.

Original poster

Mattjack2 · 01/03/2025 17:33

category12 · 01/03/2025 17:17

'we've all done things we shouldn't'

What did he do that he's got such a guilty conscience about? Is he referring to some history between you that you would be justified in holding a grudge about?

Its funny you say that. He has a female work colleague who is about 15 years younger than him and I found some texts last year that were not indicating an affair but were more than what I would call work colleagues. A bit flirty from her and he wasn't directly closing things down. Of course they were just friends and I was made to feel I was being daft. She is engaged 4 kids etc. He told her I wasn't happy ( which pissed me off) and she was devastated she'd upset me. She had a fallout with a female colleague a month ago and he galloped in on his steed to support her despite me asking him to keep it professional. I don't think there's an affair in the offing but it's like he needs to be needed. Yet when I asked to chat through something from a counselling session I had, he said he was too busy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mattjack2 · 01/03/2025 17:34

Ahsheeit · 01/03/2025 17:21

I've negotiated this by telling them to fuck off out of my life.

That really helped! Thank you

OP posts:

category12 · 01/03/2025 17:39

She had a fallout with a female colleague a month ago and he galloped in on his steed to support her despite me asking him to keep it professional. I don't think there's an affair in the offing but it's like he needs to be needed.

Hmmm

Ahsheeit · 01/03/2025 17:45

My pleasure. 😉 Life's too short and precious for that bullshit.

mathanxiety · 01/03/2025 17:51

Mattjack2 · 01/03/2025 16:46

Does anyone else have a partner who accuses you of having the wrong 'tone of voice' or of 'having a dig' when absolutely not?

Earlier i was talking to my partner about my son who is going through a break up and struggling to not contact his gfriend. He was very ' he shouldn't do it' etc and all I said was 'we've all done things we shouldn't or that aren't the best option when emotional or not thinking straight' and the response was 'is that a dig at me?' Really? Then when I said 'no I used we, not you' my tone was off. He then throws around statements like you're nasty, I'm fed up of being got at and maybe I should leave. I'm then left thinking well that escalated! It's like watching what I say and how in case it's in b flat instead of c major. Anyone successfully negotiated this kind of thing?

I was frequently accused of having the wrong facial expression by exH.

He was a narcissist /bpd with sociopath traits - a cluster B nightmare.

The net effect was that I walked on eggshells and found myself checking my facial expression. It was like living in "stay sweet" hell.

mathanxiety · 01/03/2025 17:54

Mattjack2 · 01/03/2025 17:11

Quite a bit yes. It always seems to be everyone else's fault

Show quote history

Very familiar..

5128gap · 01/03/2025 18:03

In my experience when you're accused of having 'a tone' when you don't believe you did, it's the sign of a guilty conscience. They've done something that might result in a tone and so are imagining they're getting one. Its also used as a way to put you on the wrong and take the focus off them. "Did you walk the dog?" "Why are using that tone with me? (I didn't walk the dog. Poor dog is desperate to go out, but I don't want to be the bad person here.)

Original poster

Mattjack2 · 01/03/2025 18:03

mathanxiety · 01/03/2025 17:51

I was frequently accused of having the wrong facial expression by exH.

He was a narcissist /bpd with sociopath traits - a cluster B nightmare.

The net effect was that I walked on eggshells and found myself checking my facial expression. It was like living in "stay sweet" hell.

Show quote history

Jeez. How can you have the wrong expression though. It's madness isn't it.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/03/2025 18:04

He is your very own Mr Wrong.

And his attention to this younger work colleague could constitute he bring open to an emotional affair.

Original poster

Mattjack2 · 01/03/2025 18:16

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/03/2025 18:04

He is your very own Mr Wrong.

And his attention to this younger work colleague could constitute he bring open to an emotional affair.

I'm.beginning to see this. I had the very same conversation about emotional affair, why did HE have to be there for her when she has a partner and was made to feel I was being unreasonable. Just friends.

OP posts:

bettydavieseyes · 01/03/2025 18:26

Mattjack2 · 01/03/2025 16:46

Does anyone else have a partner who accuses you of having the wrong 'tone of voice' or of 'having a dig' when absolutely not?

Earlier i was talking to my partner about my son who is going through a break up and struggling to not contact his gfriend. He was very ' he shouldn't do it' etc and all I said was 'we've all done things we shouldn't or that aren't the best option when emotional or not thinking straight' and the response was 'is that a dig at me?' Really? Then when I said 'no I used we, not you' my tone was off. He then throws around statements like you're nasty, I'm fed up of being got at and maybe I should leave. I'm then left thinking well that escalated! It's like watching what I say and how in case it's in b flat instead of c major. Anyone successfully negotiated this kind of thing?

I wouldn't respond to any of this because its all his subjective opinion and anything you say will be defending yourself which you don't need to do. Walk into another room and let him decide for himself what he thinks you mean. Life is too short for these kind of things because they turn into petty arguments. He sounds emotionally draining and self absorbed.

Cutecatty · 01/03/2025 18:45

Contempt, emotional affairs and threats to leave.

It sounds like it’s run it’s course op.

Jolenepleasetakeawaymyman · 01/03/2025 19:42

Hi @Mattjack2 I was accused of this too and like @mathanxiety having the wrong facial expression! He is now my soon to be exh so negotiations are being done by solicitors. There was nothing left todo, whatever I said or did was twisted into something else. Even as I ate a meal in a restaurant I was told he knew I thought it was shit from my face or how I moved a dish! I really couldn’t win.

All I can say is life is so much better without all of that. I consider the day I finally left as being my very own Independence Day.

From what you have said so far it does sound like he is looking for things to pick on. My ex was having an affair and really came to hate me it felt. Even my mother was shocked at how he looked at me with such contempt.

I am sorry you are experiencing this and maybe your situation is different but please look carefully at how he is treating you. Then if it isn’t right and he won’t address any of the issues start getting those ducks in a row (don’t tell him until you are ready).

Look after yourself and good luck.

theboffinsarecoming · 01/03/2025 19:45

Sounds like it's time for you to start making plans to draw a line under this relationship.

Whataloadof2020 · 28/07/2025 16:58

Mattjack2 · 01/03/2025 16:46

Does anyone else have a partner who accuses you of having the wrong 'tone of voice' or of 'having a dig' when absolutely not?

Earlier i was talking to my partner about my son who is going through a break up and struggling to not contact his gfriend. He was very ' he shouldn't do it' etc and all I said was 'we've all done things we shouldn't or that aren't the best option when emotional or not thinking straight' and the response was 'is that a dig at me?' Really? Then when I said 'no I used we, not you' my tone was off. He then throws around statements like you're nasty, I'm fed up of being got at and maybe I should leave. I'm then left thinking well that escalated! It's like watching what I say and how in case it's in b flat instead of c major. Anyone successfully negotiated this kind of thing?

That sounds a lot like he is being triggered and its possisbly something from childhood.

i feel that my OH uses a tone of voice and when i say this to him, he denies it.
But reading your post makes me think am i overly sensitive? I know i can be?
Its hard to describe to people what we mean when we hear something that sounds like a dig. As the other person like yourself didn’t mean it in a dig but how do you prove your tone of voice unless you recorded it.

I hope you can work it out.