Tone of voice wrong

[Mattjack2]

Does anyone else have a partner who accuses you of having the wrong 'tone of voice' or of 'having a dig' when absolutely not?

Earlier i was talking to my partner about my son who is going through a break up and struggling to not contact his gfriend. He was very ' he shouldn't do it' etc and all I said was 'we've all done things we shouldn't or that aren't the best option when emotional or not thinking straight' and the response was 'is that a dig at me?' Really? Then when I said 'no I used we, not you' my tone was off. He then throws around statements like you're nasty, I'm fed up of being got at and maybe I should leave. I'm then left thinking well that escalated! It's like watching what I say and how in case it's in b flat instead of c major. Anyone successfully negotiated this kind of thing?

I get this but very rarely does it escalate, I think sometimes with me its because I get quite animated and a bit over excited if I'm talking about something I feel strongly about. My son says the same so it's clearly me!

Yours sounds a bit more serious though, hope you can find a way forward

It was like living in "stay sweet" hell.

And that’s the sort of culty relationship they want. He’s at war with reality and he expects you to smooth him over if you accidentally so much as wobble his image of himself as superior to humanity. He’s basically saying ‘please see me as perfect or I get upset’.

It’s exhausting. Mine also threatened to leave a lot. I followed through last time and he was full of regret within weeks but I don’t want him back. Being told what I was thinking, what I had implied, what my facial expression indicated.. and always having unpleasant motives attributed to me.. I will never live like that again. The thing is, I am a pretty straightforward person to start with so will say if there is ever an issue! It was maddening.

Yes my ex husband used to say things like that. And that I reacted 'wrong' to things. Or he could tell that I was thinking something really bad even though I had said nothing.

I set him free and flew high.

He then throws around statements like you're nasty, I'm fed up of being got at and maybe I should leave.

Maybe you should. In the successful relationships I know, like 20 years plus, neither partner would behave like this.

Commenting on tone is often something men use to shut down women's voices if the men don't like the content of what is being said or they can't win an argument.

A boss said he didn't like my tone when I questioned why we were doing something a certain way when there was a better alternative. I also remember Matt Hancock once used it to put down a female MP who asked a perfectly valid question in a very polite way.

It's the refuge of a mediocre man when they can't think what to say back.

It’s the perfect accusation because unless the op is using the voice of a baby to repeat what he said (I would be at this point!) the claim is so nebulous as to never be pinned down. If you wanted to put someone on the back foot for sick funsies it’s your goto tactic.

My XH used to say this. I remember once asking him if he'd fed the cats. I just wanted to know, I wasn't accusing him of forgetting or using any 'tone' but I remember him getting angry and saying 'why do you have to ask like that for?'

I suspect he'd forgotten and actually felt guilty, but his first reaction was to try to make me feel in the wrong. Just one reason he's an ex.

As an alternate view your tone may well be off. I have a friend who is is undiagnosed austistic & adhd, which impacts the way she says things. She often gets the tone wrong in general conversation. Nicest kindest person you could meet but the way she’s says some things makes them come across with an unintended edge. Some things sound down right nasty. You have to take a breath and ask if she intended that to sound that way.

Yes, from a parent. 'Don't speak to me in that tone of voice.' 'Get that look off your face.'

It's manipulation and control.

I've just picked up these new responses and thank you. Its ironic that this has come exactly when things have escalated again after a few months of impasse. What has just been thrown at me is how I even restrict where we eat. When pushed to explain it was because as a vegetarian, I often have limited choice so nothing the menu has nothing I like. To me that's just choice and we go elsewhere. To him its me restricting things and embarasssing. I can't get my head round why this is even a thing to bring up.

It sounds like you’re reasonable about eating out but again this is what happens. They can only ever add MORE grievances all the while harming you in real time with the confusion and nuance. It shouldn’t be this way. You deserve a loving a kind intimate relationship. He’s suffocating you with doubt.

My boss said that to me. Not long after he quit the job and I took over!

I had some of this shit whenever I made a comment that my ex chose to take offence to, when no offence was intended. I came to understand that he was doing it on purpose. I'm sorry but maybe he doesn't like you very much. It's a rotten thing to do to someone instead of being honest.

It smacks to me of finding reasons for me to finish things as he hasn't the b**s to do it. It's interesting that someone also mentioned him wanting everything perfect as the slightest hint of perceived criticism sends him spinning. He said earlier about feeling out of shape as he hasn't trained recently like he has a training regime! He doesn't. Hes put weight on which I'd better not say 🤣

Ah go on, call him out! "what training regime might this be, oh liar liar pants on fire?'

*edited to add: and then run away very fast 😂

Do you want things between you to finish, OP? I ended up being dumped by my taking offence ex. Obviously it stings to be dumped, but actually I was long past caring because I had started to see what he really was like. Do you honestly think it's worth hanging around while he pretends to take umbrage with your every utterance, the tedious jerk?

Tone policing you, the threats to leave, he's trying to manipulate you and control your behaviour. Add in an emotional, possibly physical affair....

Help him pack.

I've been around a couple people who did that and yes, narcissists.