34, city based and dating is bleak

[Getitgirl]

I’m feeling quite sorry for myself and would love your wisdom - especially from single mumsnetters.

first date last night via the app, Breeze, with someone (m39) who clearly couldn’t wait to leave after the first drink. I had another first date a matter of weeks before (same app) with someone who did the same - and happened to be the same age. I’m slim, put together, sociable, fit, good job, never seem to struggle to get dates. I could accept there was no spark with either man, but two occasions where they’ve clearly been turned off is.. hard.

I’m genuinely interested in people and accept that not everyone will find me alluring (!) and that first dates are a total gamble, but both chaps wanting to bolt has left me feeling a bit raw.

this comes off the heels of someone I was seeing since November ghosting the week leading up to Valentine’s Day. I thought we were getting closer after references to future plans from his side. Prior to him, I went on a handful of dates with someone who didn’t ask me any questions and acted like I was his career counsellor when he got made redundant. I kindly ended things and he circled back last week (a month later after total silence) to tell me he wasn’t in a position to date me and that he’d had an amazing holiday!

so apart from the obvious of taking a dating break (which I need) from all the dead end chats and sex pests and people who can’t string a sentence together/actually hate women, I’m at a loss. I have a lovely life but just want some companionship with a man who doesn’t make my nervous system feel like it’s been shot.

please don’t tell me to get a hobby. I run ultramarathons, am a member of a club, have lovely mates, live in a city, good job etc. But I’m finding things really crushing at the moment dating-wise and would love some practical advice on how to feel a lil better right now.

thanks for reading.

Ah good luck OP. The dating scene is incredibly hard and you sound like you’re really trying with the dates, plus your social activities. I wish I had some words of wisdom. I’m 42 divorced with two teens and single now for 6 years. I’m scared to even try anymore as I’ve had some bad experiences since I became single.

Not sure if it’s fair or not to say that a lot of the guys on the apps are looking for sex more than relationships, and the apps give the vibe that there’s so many options and always someone else just a swipe away. I’m not sure that is necessarily a helpful idea when looking for someone to settle down with….

It'll come; enjoy yourself for the being and keep busy.

It was easy when I was 20 years younger, everyone was a friend of a friend and if we fancied someone we'd just snog and then you'd be in a relationship!

i “got out” about 8 yrs ago after 3 longgggggg yrs of OLD. I suffered through tinder and bumble (who on a surface level seemed to be better than tinder but in reality it just took longer to find the red flags)

I saw something on insta and the vague sentiment approximates to

“I met my DH on tinder 8 yrs ago and we both feel like we got the last chopper out of ‘nam”

this very genuinely sums up my feeling about OLD… it is incredibly incredibly hard these days.

i was a solvent, well educated, funny, interesting / interested woman whose main “crimes” were being over 30 and a BMI of 27. the dating pool was so small and the pickings were beyond slim

I ended up getting creative with my search criteria and repeating to myself daily “it’s a numbers game”

my DH is over 5yrs younger than me and he struggled massively with OLD too his main crime was being 5”6.5 while claiming he was 5”8 short 🤣

be kind to yourself - it’s just brutal.
the other thing I would advice is shift your mindset… your OP reads like you want them to like you (so you can get off the carousel from hell which is understandable) but your focus should be do you like them.

Also I read this many places and it’s believe it’s true. When you meet the right one it’s easy and “nice”. Not stomach churning or burning desire. Just really nice. And even if you are both busy or whatever it’s quite easy to meet up / talk / spend time together.
you are never wondering if he saw your what’s app etc.

good luck 🍀

>> I run ultramarathons

That suggests a particular physique. Short, very lean? Maybe just got bad luck with 2 guys who didn't lean into that.
Do you have a particular accent? Could be something else that people either warm to, or dislike.

Sorry if not helpful -- kiss a lot of frogs before the prince arrives!

Surely they would have known about my physique on account of seeing my photos prior to the date being set up. Some of them are of me at races 😄I have a neutral accent..

Hi, just checking- you dont use filters or anything on your online photos? I always preferred to use nice photos of myself but not ones where I was looking too made up or anything so that when they met me in person they were hopefully pleasantly surprised.

Have a role play with a friend and ask to get brutal feedback.

Ah thanks @LivingLaVidaBabyShower - I’m glad you persevered and that your strategy worked out. It’s validating to have someone else confirm how bad it is out there.

its not so much me wanting to be liked by these men (i have good self esteem) but it was the very quick decision both of them appeared to make about my suitability. This is new to me! I have had similar experiences with men 39+ who state they’re looking for a serious relationship. I can only assume I turned them off for some reason or that they’re looking for instant fireworks.

I don’t! If anything most people say I look better irl. some of my old pics are without make up etc. I have short hair and now I’m paranoid that it’s because it makes me look un feminine somehow!

Do you listen well and ask lead on questions?

If you have the short hair in your photos then surely that cant be an issue. Perhaps these were guys secretly just looking for a hookup and when meeting you realised you werent going to be so easy to manipulate so hence just wanted to end the date.

Having just googled Breeze sure it's to be expected from this app? You are meeting cold having only 'matched' is that right? Most of us can make pretty instant decisions about whether someone is right for us? I think I'd prefer to be weeded (and weed) out with a bit of messaging chat first rather than bother with a coffee!

@Gymbunny2025 that’s a fair point. Breeze does give you prompts and pictures of someone to get a feel for them. It’s not totally blind in that regard; and you have to mutually like each other ofc. I should also add that both guys had traveled in from a neighbouring city (30 min trip)so had made some degree of effort in attending the date.

I'm actually envious of the life you describe.

How about we swap lives? You can be 42 year old middle management me with my extremely handsome younger husband who worships me but snores like a dragon and would rather have a green tea and an early night than go to a club.

Currently lying in a hotel room watching some Godzilla filminstead of having sex all right

I think you’ve had a name change fail OP…

Also I would say very early on had a couple of guys end dates early because they were grossly unsuitable* and I was also clearly not interested by end of year 1 when asked if I fancied a second drink I was able to confidently reply “no thanks. It was nice meeting you but I think we mutually agree there’s no chemistry and I don’t want to waste your time or mine. Have a lovely evening byeeeee”

*one had a profile indicating he went to a top public school and was living in Dulwich… he was living in Dulwich… in his parents house…. He was a “professional musician” who had been unemployed for years and had that day auditioned and failed for 3rd seat of a not popular instrument at somewhere like Birmingham or Coventry conservatory for music 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 the difference in our lives was frankly embarrassing

Seriously though don't assume the problem lies with you.

You have no idea what made either of them flee, but low self confidence will make you think it's my hips, my hair, my terrible posture. Probably none of those things but something to do with the men and their own insecurities

The simplest answer is that they were just a bit dick-ish, there’s a lot of that going round.

You can’t actually have a name change fail these days because new settings make it impossible, so she’s probably logged into a different account.

Maybe try a different dating app or website OP.

@AlexandrinaH i can confirm the behaviour is shocking across all of the apps. Not many I haven’t tried. Breeze is a little outlier in view of the lack of pre chat, granted.

Hi, I met my husband on the apps eventually. Just keep going, it's great you have lots of interests and hobbies as well. I think it's good to be as clear as possible about what you want on the app. If it's a long-term relationship and kids put that. Feels a bit scary but it saves you wasting time meeting up with people who want different things. When I did online dating i'd sometimes go and find out they were polyamorous/didn't know what they wanted/just looking for a fling and it's a complete waste of everyone's time!

Yes I was pretty much single from about 29 y.o. till I met my husband at the age of 35 (except from a couple of relationships that didn't work out very well). I know it's pretty tough. I don't have much advice, just sympathy. Good luck

I think it says a lot more about guys left in the dating pool than it does about you. Not willing to even stay past one drink and willing to bolt making a girl feel rubbish- that's their issue not yours! Don't take it personally!

It's a numbers game unfortunately, and it is brutal these days. Men cannot be bothered to make the effort on dates these days and are just trying to get away with minimal effort. Most just want sex and nothing else.

Keep up your standards, maybe limit dates to once a month and someone may turn up. It might be worth trying an app which allows messaging - might weed out the duds.

@Motherrr thank you! 😓it was rather cutting. If I was terrible company or had misrepresented myself in terms of pics etc I might have understood. Onwards I guess