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Original poster

He made a pillow wall

28 replies

WaryMauveCat · 28/02/2025 11:01

Me (26F) and a close guy friend (26M) have known each other for about 6 years. We met in college and have been friends ever since.

Our relationship have always been platonic but last year, when he was back in our hometown, we ended up sleeping together after a night out. We both knew at the time that it was probably a bad idea, but we did it anyway.

Afterward, we texted about it. I told him I was open to exploring things between us and admitted that I had a crush on him when we first met. However, he said he wasn't interested in anything romantic, as his past long-distance relationship had gone badly, and he didn't want to risk our friendship. I accepted and understood his decision, and we continued being friends, texting and interacting like we always had.

Last week, I suggested we hang out to watch the new Marvel movie. He told me it would be better if I came to his city because he had something important to do the next day, making it difficult for him to come to our hometown. So, I went to see him.

To be honest, it was a bit awkward-this was the first time we were meeting in person since what happened. Deep down, I had a little hope, especially because he was being really sweet that day-cuddling me and holding my hands. But I wasn't going to act on it because our friendship means a lot to me, I genuinely enjoy spending time with him, and I respect his decision.
That's why it hurt a little when, at the end of the night, he put a pillow wall between us. It felt distant and cold, and I've never felt that rejected before. Now, I can't help but feel like a pushover for even suggesting we hang out.
Why would he do that?

Maybe he was trying to set clear boundaries so I wouldn't get the wrong idea. Maybe it was that bad for him. Or maybe he's interested in someone new. Idk but it sucked-a lot as a friend!!

OP posts:
Burntt · 28/02/2025 11:06

What do you mean a pillow wall? Did you sleep over his place?

If you mean a pillow wall in bed I think it seems fair enough. Hugging and holding hands the way you describe doesn't sound platonic really. You say you respect his decision but then also said you were still hopeful. You also acknowledged it was awkward as your first meeting. In that situation if you were sleeping over the pillow all seems sensible to me

pastaandpesto · 28/02/2025 11:09

I don't think this is a healthy friendship, OP. The way you are talking about him is not how people talk about platonic friends. I mean, do you cuddle and hold hands with your female friends?

It sounds like he is enjoying the ego boost. Given the conversation you had it was hugely disrespectful of him to give you mixed signals, the very opposite of being "sweet". Personally I think you should wind right back and distance yourself from him, at least for now.

AgnesX · 28/02/2025 11:09

Sounds like he's setting your boundaries for you. He's said he doesn't want a relationship but it's obvious you do so he's tried to manage it the best way possible short of sleeping on the sofa.

Girlmom35 · 28/02/2025 11:14

Look, OP, get your story straight.
You are either his friend
Or you are interested in him/ have a crush / attracted to him.

Right now you say you're his friend, but when he enforced the boundary, you get upset. You say you're okay with not pursuing it, but you go there feeling hopeful and you're happy when he holds your hand and cuddles you. You are supposedly feeling rejected 'as a friend' but he never rejected your friendship. He rejected bedtime cuddling and possibly more, which to my knowledge isn't usually a part of friendships.

You're putting yourself through hell because you won't admit that you like him and want more than friendship with him. And then when he's just your friend, as you agreed, you're upset and feel rejected.

This can't keep going on. Either agree to be friends and stop expecting/wanting more - if you even can - or be honest, admit you want more than friendship, and deal with whatever his reaction is, even if it means you have to stop being friends.

Astronautstar · 28/02/2025 11:17

He shouldn't have been holding your hands and flirting. You've had your little bit of hope crushed. Sorry about that. But who wants to be with a guy who behaves like this with a female friend? He obviously does see you as a friend, hence the pillow wall. This friendship is toxic and bad for your self esteem.

Original poster
WaryMauveCat · 28/02/2025 11:25

Girlmom35 · 28/02/2025 11:14

Look, OP, get your story straight.
You are either his friend
Or you are interested in him/ have a crush / attracted to him.

Right now you say you're his friend, but when he enforced the boundary, you get upset. You say you're okay with not pursuing it, but you go there feeling hopeful and you're happy when he holds your hand and cuddles you. You are supposedly feeling rejected 'as a friend' but he never rejected your friendship. He rejected bedtime cuddling and possibly more, which to my knowledge isn't usually a part of friendships.

You're putting yourself through hell because you won't admit that you like him and want more than friendship with him. And then when he's just your friend, as you agreed, you're upset and feel rejected.

This can't keep going on. Either agree to be friends and stop expecting/wanting more - if you even can - or be honest, admit you want more than friendship, and deal with whatever his reaction is, even if it means you have to stop being friends.

I needed to hear this. And get my shit together!! Thanks !!!

For all those years we've been friends i never thought that we would cross that line . We did sleepovers in other occasions and never had any sexual tension before.
I think my feelings were left very confused because it was something i never wanted or needed until it happened and didn't sort them out before meeting him again.

OP posts:
offmynut · 28/02/2025 12:05

Op the man dont want you move on from it and stop dreaming of something that is not going to happen.
What happened that night is done and dusted and over with neither of you should have done it in the first place but shit happens.
You have 2 choices stay friends and never bring it up again and act like it never happened or end the friendship and go you own ways.
Sorry to sound harsh but im not going to sugar coat it.

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 28/02/2025 12:11

OP, I'm sorry it probably hurts that he's not interested, but you need to be clear about whether you actually want to continue this friendship, or maybe leave it there.

Please don't hang on hoping he will change his mind, or even worse, don't get into a friends with benefits situation in the future, as it seems like you want more from this that he is willing to give. To be fair to him, he hasn't strung you along, but maybe there was miscommunication about what your friendship would be going forward.

It might be best for you to pull back a bit and have some space from him for a while.

Original poster
WaryMauveCat · 28/02/2025 12:13

offmynut · 28/02/2025 12:05

Op the man dont want you move on from it and stop dreaming of something that is not going to happen.
What happened that night is done and dusted and over with neither of you should have done it in the first place but shit happens.
You have 2 choices stay friends and never bring it up again and act like it never happened or end the friendship and go you own ways.
Sorry to sound harsh but im not going to sugar coat it.

I like the honesty !!
Normally I like to be in control of my emotions but this situation made me act like a teen again.
I need some reality check to get my act together again.

OP posts:
Peripop · 28/02/2025 12:16

Just move on. Seriously, there is no shortage of people to be friends with or f*, save yourself the bother.

Maitri108 · 28/02/2025 12:17

He sounds awful. He slept with you knowing that he wasn't into you at all then gibbers on about how much he values your friendship. If you like and respect someone as a friend you don't use them for sex.

Original poster
WaryMauveCat · 28/02/2025 12:20

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 28/02/2025 12:11

OP, I'm sorry it probably hurts that he's not interested, but you need to be clear about whether you actually want to continue this friendship, or maybe leave it there.

Please don't hang on hoping he will change his mind, or even worse, don't get into a friends with benefits situation in the future, as it seems like you want more from this that he is willing to give. To be fair to him, he hasn't strung you along, but maybe there was miscommunication about what your friendship would be going forward.

It might be best for you to pull back a bit and have some space from him for a while.

It was a messy situation since he said maybe i was the right person, but it wasn't the right moment.
He could also be confused at that time he said that.
But I'm going to take a huge step back and just let things in the past

OP posts:
jellyfishperiwinkle · 28/02/2025 12:25

He's just not that into you. Throw this one back or keep it in the friend zone.

Haroldwilson · 28/02/2025 12:39

I was imagining a wall with pillows nailed all over it, like a padded cell feature wall.

What does a pillow wall do? Why were you sharing a bed?

Kbroughton · 28/02/2025 12:50

It's worse than just him not being interested. He is a bad friend as well. He is holding your hand and cuddling you, while knowing you were interested and had a crush. He is leading you on for an ego boost, probably also to have a friends with benefits situation if he ever feels like it later. That is not a friend. I would be distancing myself not only from this 'crush' part but also from the friendship. Friends dont treat friends that way.

pastaandpesto · 28/02/2025 12:57

Kbroughton · 28/02/2025 12:50

It's worse than just him not being interested. He is a bad friend as well. He is holding your hand and cuddling you, while knowing you were interested and had a crush. He is leading you on for an ego boost, probably also to have a friends with benefits situation if he ever feels like it later. That is not a friend. I would be distancing myself not only from this 'crush' part but also from the friendship. Friends dont treat friends that way.

I agree with this. Platonic friends do not spend the day cuddling and holding hands. He's prioritising having his ego stroked over being considerate and respectful of your feelings. Knowing how you are feeling he should have been extra careful not to give you any mixed messages. Being touchy freely with you all day and then slamming down his boundaries come the night time is quite cruel and not the behaviour of a considerate friend.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 28/02/2025 13:00

You’re in love - maybe take a break from the friendship before you hurt yourself even further.

Glorybox2025 · 28/02/2025 13:05

Cuddling, holding hands and sharing a bed aren't things that friends do. So if you want to be his friend you need to stop all that. He should also be stopping it too.

Chunkilumptious · 28/02/2025 13:06

He's been very immature (being tactile all day then putting up a wall at night). As a PP says , enjoying the ego massage whilst being able to say he hasn't led you on when it's come to sex. You don't need to cut ties but create some space for now. I'm not surprised you're confused but take control forthwith.

Redruby2020 · 28/02/2025 13:12

He shouldn't be hugging and holding hands. But good in one way that he didn't go there sexually. Because if that had happened. For you it would have been worse, we as women get attached even more then.
Especially from what I have found when I have got in to a regular thing with a guy.

Original poster
WaryMauveCat · 28/02/2025 13:15

Chunkilumptious · 28/02/2025 13:06

He's been very immature (being tactile all day then putting up a wall at night). As a PP says , enjoying the ego massage whilst being able to say he hasn't led you on when it's come to sex. You don't need to cut ties but create some space for now. I'm not surprised you're confused but take control forthwith.

Not me defending him hahahah
The order of events was :
-Last year hooked up, cuddled, hugged and hold hands and all that

  • After that we texted , i told him i had a crush years ago, he told me not the right time and decided to stay friends
  • Last week just hang out and put pillow between us at night.

I don't think he is a bad person i was just hurt and confused abt all that story. I'm at fault in this one too.

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 28/02/2025 13:22

Have you always cuddled and held hands? Even pre sex? If so then I don't think he has actually done anything wrong. BUT I actually do understand why you felt hurt by a pillow wall, it is a very firm 'i dont even want to accidentally touch you, message. It would hurt me.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 28/02/2025 13:31

He is not into you, sorry. If you want the friendship to continue, you need to kill any hope of anything more stone dead. And even then, the friendship might not survive the awkwardness.

Original poster
WaryMauveCat · 28/02/2025 13:33

Hillrunning · 28/02/2025 13:22

Have you always cuddled and held hands? Even pre sex? If so then I don't think he has actually done anything wrong. BUT I actually do understand why you felt hurt by a pillow wall, it is a very firm 'i dont even want to accidentally touch you, message. It would hurt me.

No ... it happened just that day!
Yah i think i would be less hurt if he told me to just sleep on the couch. Cause i was like daaaammnn not the berlin wall in the bed lol
But i don't think he is a bad guy... i just got delulu for a moment

OP posts:
Original poster
WaryMauveCat · 28/02/2025 13:48

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 28/02/2025 13:31

He is not into you, sorry. If you want the friendship to continue, you need to kill any hope of anything more stone dead. And even then, the friendship might not survive the awkwardness.

Yeah i just gotta forget it and enjoy the friendship cause he is a dear friend to me after all.

OP posts: