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Original poster

Going away for the weekend with shared child whilst older child on her contact weekend with her dad.

39 replies

Somethingmissing1 · 27/02/2025 21:51

Basically I feel guilty. Older child is with her dad every other weekend and the weather is nice we booked the weekend away with my partner and shared child. I don’t know if I’m over thinking and being silly but I feel bad that she isn’t coming. I feel like I’m letting her down by going now.

OP posts:
ThankULord · 27/02/2025 22:03

I understand the feeling.

Does she do nice things with her Dad?
Is your partner always happy to include older child when she is around?

If the answers to both questions are a 'no' , i guess that would exacerbate this feeling you have.

If the answer to both is yes, then keep reminding yourself of that and try to enjoy your time away.

Original poster
Somethingmissing1 · 27/02/2025 22:07

Older child has ADHd and is quite challenging so going away is always very stressful but I feel guilty. Yep, does lots with dad as he is very much Disney dad. I feel guilty because it’s less stressful not having to deal with the behaviour and getting a break from it.

OP posts:
ParrotParty · 27/02/2025 22:12

Your younger child deserves some quality time without your older DD taking the attention. Having a sibling with additional needs can be hard for children no matter how much they still love the sibling.
The alternative would be your younger child staying home not having a fun experience whilst your older one is doing something fun with her dad.

ThankULord · 27/02/2025 22:21

Somethingmissing1 · 27/02/2025 22:07

Older child has ADHd and is quite challenging so going away is always very stressful but I feel guilty. Yep, does lots with dad as he is very much Disney dad. I feel guilty because it’s less stressful not having to deal with the behaviour and getting a break from it.

She is also your ex-partners child, so while he is playing disney dad, it is only fair you get a break.
It is fair he gets to have her and give her undivided attention.
It is fair she gets to have quality time with her dad and has his undivided attention. .
It is fair your shared child gets to have some quality time with her parents.
It is fair your current partner gets to enjoy one on one time with you and shared child.
It is only fair that you get a break, that older child also gets a break... that everyone gets a break.
Older child will have a fab time with her dad.
Go and enjoy your break...guilt-free.

Original poster
Somethingmissing1 · 28/02/2025 07:10

Thanks. I know if she finds out we went away without her she would be very upset. She is always upset when she comes home and asks what we have done despite enjoying her weekend with her dad. It’s all very emotional and I can’t decide if that’s normal or perhaps the adhd having an influence. If we took her away with her oppositional issues it would be very stressful. It is what it is and my partner works hard and deserves a break really.

OP posts:
Whenalldoneandsaid · 28/02/2025 07:21

In what way is your ex a Disney dad? Doesn't that need to be tackled?

Original poster
Somethingmissing1 · 28/02/2025 07:31

Whenalldoneandsaid · 28/02/2025 07:21

In what way is your ex a Disney dad? Doesn't that need to be tackled?

That is a whole other situation. He hates me unfortunately. He wasn’t a good partner and I’ve had problems for a long long time. Part of the reasons I needed a break this weekend. He has a gf and another child now. Mostly the gf looks after our shared child and they say she is lovely so that’s a good thing at least. I know she is cared for and he is very showing in front of gf so treats child well.

OP posts:
ladymammalade · 28/02/2025 07:37

How old is your shared child and where are you planning to go?

I don't think you should let it stop you going, but to minimise her upset I would just play it down...maybe exaggerate the "babyish" things you did and leave out anything she would have enjoyed.

I'd also focus on asking her about all the fun stuff she's been doing this weekend and how much you miss her when she's away.

Original poster
Somethingmissing1 · 28/02/2025 07:47

ladymammalade · 28/02/2025 07:37

How old is your shared child and where are you planning to go?

I don't think you should let it stop you going, but to minimise her upset I would just play it down...maybe exaggerate the "babyish" things you did and leave out anything she would have enjoyed.

I'd also focus on asking her about all the fun stuff she's been doing this weekend and how much you miss her when she's away.

Yes we minimise most things and just say we did boring house stuff or went to soft play. Shared child is 9. I guess I just feel guilty for actually wanting to go on our own for a bit of a break. I feel I should want to go with both my children and I feel a bit judged that I have a child with challenges that do make holidays very stressful. They have a tendency to be very negative so when we go away everything is rubbish etc and hard work.

OP posts:
SnoopysHoose · 28/02/2025 08:04

Nothing to feel bad about, do you ever wonder if your younger child is jealous of their sibling and what she does with her dad?
You cannot allow one child to dominate and be pandered to.
Yes she has ADHD, but going forward in life (work/uni etc)she needs to learn that she won't be included in everything.

Original poster
Somethingmissing1 · 28/02/2025 08:21

SnoopysHoose · 28/02/2025 08:04

Nothing to feel bad about, do you ever wonder if your younger child is jealous of their sibling and what she does with her dad?
You cannot allow one child to dominate and be pandered to.
Yes she has ADHD, but going forward in life (work/uni etc)she needs to learn that she won't be included in everything.

I know. I think the adhd is likely to come from me and I know how it feels to be left out so it makes me feel bad. But they do many things with dad and it’s not fair to make shared child sit and do nothing. So many emotions arghhh

OP posts:
Original poster
Somethingmissing1 · 28/02/2025 08:26

My mum has said this morning I’m not being fair not going with both children and I will make them feel left out and I should arrange my time so that they can both be with me. That’s made me feel worse.

OP posts:
SnoopysHoose · 28/02/2025 08:29

What age is your older child?
Don't listen to your mum, it's your choice, go and have a relaxing weekend.

Original poster
Somethingmissing1 · 28/02/2025 08:35

SnoopysHoose · 28/02/2025 08:29

What age is your older child?
Don't listen to your mum, it's your choice, go and have a relaxing weekend.

9
If she was with me then we’d still go, it’s not often you get 4 days in a row with sunshine. I’m a bit low at the moment and thought the sun might help.

OP posts:
YesHonestly · 28/02/2025 08:35

Where is it you’re going OP? It’s hard to decide if you’re being unfair without knowing. There’s a big difference between Devon and Disneyland Paris!

Original poster
Somethingmissing1 · 28/02/2025 08:38

YesHonestly · 28/02/2025 08:35

Where is it you’re going OP? It’s hard to decide if you’re being unfair without knowing. There’s a big difference between Devon and Disneyland Paris!

Oh cheap caravan about an hour away. Nothing amazing but to kids they love being at the seaside.

OP posts:
loubielou31 · 28/02/2025 08:39

It's okay to do different things with different children. Their experiences are already very different because of weekends with the other parent.

You should perhaps tell you DD before the weekend rather than afterwards and make a plan to do something with her which might make you feel less guilty.
Also perhaps arrange a regular time for just you and DD, she may be feeling that she's always having to share the one parent she is with at that time whereas her siblings get both parents all the time. (Not sure I am quite making sense, I hope you get what I am meaning)

user1492757084 · 28/02/2025 08:41

Enjoy your weekend, you deserve it.
Your other child also deserves to have her time away not always upset by her sister's behaviour.
When your little one has flown the coop, possibly the older one will still be having weekends with you - who knows what will happen. Fair is not always exactly equal.

SnoopysHoose · 28/02/2025 08:45

Is that a mistake? shared child and elder is 9?

Original poster
Somethingmissing1 · 28/02/2025 08:46

loubielou31 · 28/02/2025 08:39

It's okay to do different things with different children. Their experiences are already very different because of weekends with the other parent.

You should perhaps tell you DD before the weekend rather than afterwards and make a plan to do something with her which might make you feel less guilty.
Also perhaps arrange a regular time for just you and DD, she may be feeling that she's always having to share the one parent she is with at that time whereas her siblings get both parents all the time. (Not sure I am quite making sense, I hope you get what I am meaning)

We do things together. I try very hard but it often feels it’s never enough. I suspect it’s because like you say they have a blended family and we will never behave like a non blended one. I think that makes me feel guilty as everyone around me is not blended. They say they want to be like those but it’s not possible as their dad was abusing me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Somethingmissing1 · 28/02/2025 08:46

SnoopysHoose · 28/02/2025 08:45

Is that a mistake? shared child and elder is 9?

Sorry they are 2.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 28/02/2025 08:57

Both daughters win, you get some proper downtime and come back better able to cope. Go and enjoy it.. also tell your mum she doesn’t have to deal with your eldest day to day hour to hour so doesn’t have the knowledge to comment. If you go and feel guilty you won’t benefit from the actual break so leave that home when you pack!

AnonAnonmystery · 28/02/2025 09:19

Somethingmissing1 · 28/02/2025 08:26

My mum has said this morning I’m not being fair not going with both children and I will make them feel left out and I should arrange my time so that they can both be with me. That’s made me feel worse.

Please don’t worry about this comment, my mum would say the same thing. You are entitled to a break and to enjoy your life. The reasons you have set out are very reasonable and you can’t stay at home and do nothing eow? How old is your older dd?

Original poster
Somethingmissing1 · 28/02/2025 09:22

Lollypop701 · 28/02/2025 08:57

Both daughters win, you get some proper downtime and come back better able to cope. Go and enjoy it.. also tell your mum she doesn’t have to deal with your eldest day to day hour to hour so doesn’t have the knowledge to comment. If you go and feel guilty you won’t benefit from the actual break so leave that home when you pack!

That’s the thing. I love them both but the older ones behaviour is very challenging and it gets me down a lot. All of my brain gets focused on them, how they are doing at school, the worry about the future. The little one needs a mum also. I also end up feeling torn and guilty. The big one tells me I don’t love them as much, it’s not true at all but the relationship is different. I try so hard for them but in a very different and exhausting way. A lot of the time is spent trying to keep myself regulated from the awful things they say and do to me.

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 28/02/2025 09:25

Taking ADHD out of the equation, your older dd sounds jealous of her younger sister. It’s natural as she was an only child for so long so don’t be manipulated and guilted into doing what she wants. Children are very clever as once you give in once, they know they can make you feel guilty for their purposes. Only thing you can do is give her reassurances but don’t put your life on hold. Enjoy your time away x