Going away for the weekend with shared child whilst older child on her contact weekend with her dad.

[Somethingmissing1]

Basically I feel guilty. Older child is with her dad every other weekend and the weather is nice we booked the weekend away with my partner and shared child. I don’t know if I’m over thinking and being silly but I feel bad that she isn’t coming. I feel like I’m letting her down by going now.

GO GO GO

Enjoy the time out and enjoy the time with the little one.

I understand it's very difficult and I wouldn't be telling the older one or even her father and girlfriend.

Your eldest is challenging and you are allowed to enjoy the time when she is with her father and you don't have the responsibility.

i'd keep it a secret this time but you do need to start including some of the fun things you do with the younger one when she's not there I didn't emphasise the things she thinks are babyish but you are doing with the younger one because she is so little so that she sees you having fun with the little one but only doing things she doesn't feel she's really missed out on and then having your partner look after the little one while you do big girl things with just her.

I do spend one on one time with them but nothing is ever enough and they will make it known. They are like a hole I can’t fill.

Sounds like your youngest will really benefit with some time where everyone isn’t focused on the needs of your eldest. I imagine life is centred around your oldest and your youngest never just gets down time to relax and enjoy herself on days out etc.

Edited to add:- this IMO is a benefit of being a blended family. My DSS has very challenging needs and both me and DH and his mum and her younger children holiday without him when he’s with the other parent - he gets 1-2-1 holidays with his dad and occasionally with his mums family.

No secrets. That is a disaster waiting to happen. Prepare your older dc long in advance that you will continue having a life and being in the world even when she is not there. And that is ok. Model for her that love is not a zero sum game. You can love both children all the time. She doesn’t lose anything.

Look into books like “how to talk so children will listen/how to listen so children will talk” and mindfulness for preteens and teens. She needs a lot of work directly focused on emotional regulation so she can manage without constantly externalizing her distress.

They are getting a lot of support in school. I do try and talk that we do things as they do when they are with their dad. I always get a little something for them if we go somewhere so they know I think about them. Last time I told them we went to a little zoo place and they ran off crying. Although they had been bowling and swimming so I can’t see why they were so upset. When they get upset they say really upsetting things and accuse me of not loving them which isn’t true.

I don't think you should be lying. It won't be long until the younger one starts being able to say what she's been doing.

I'm not a step parent but I can see why you'd feel guilty. I guess as long as you are doing similar things with your older daughter - rather than not doing them because she had ADHD, then there's not really anything to feel guilty about.

Frankly your mum is being ridiculous. Your eldest is going to be away eow so what are you supposed to do, all stand in a cupboard until she gets back?
What support are you getting for your DDs issues? It sounds like she is having a lot of trouble dealing with her emotions around the split. Maybe she thinks it's her fault that you split up, or maybe she feels punished being sent away eow because she knows her behaviour is challenging (even though she can't help it). Does she have a counsellor?
Anyway that's for another day, enjoy your weekend. Don't feel guilty. Don't accept blame, from your mum or your daughter. Let DD know you love her but your life carries on when she's with her dad. And you'll do something lovely with her too when she's back.

It's not like your older children isn't doing something fun.

Enjoy your weekend away, both children are getting to do something fun and having 1:1 time with parents,

Try not to feel guilty. Life doesn't stop for you guys when she goes to see her dad and if she gets that sense of entitlement now, she will have it throughout life.

Your little doesn't get to do all the activities the older one does at dads, so next time she gets sulky about it, perhaps you can say that to her.

Don't let that attitude limit you.

It’s fine. I quite often take one of my dc away to do something exciting without the other. They are different ages and have different interests. Just take your older one away to do something special another weekend.

You can't put your other child's life on hold every other weekend because the older one isn't with you.

Go and enjoy it. It’s fine to do things both when you’re all together and when you’re not. If you put your life on hold and only do things when you are all together, then that’s not fair either. She gets to do things with her other parent without the other sibling.

Remind your Dd of something that she has to look forward to. "We're going to do this with your sister whilst you're having fun with your dad, and then remember that you and I will be doing .. next week, or whenever it is." Sort of approach.

Your younger dd is probably too young to notice yet but having a neurodiverse sibling can be very difficult because they often demand more than their "fair share" (certainly in the eyes of a child) attention.
Fair doesn't always mean the same and that's okay.

You will all have a lovely weekend, older with her dad and you at the caravan. and don't feel guilty for that.

I think the feelings I may be struggling with are of my own. I feel bad for enjoying time without my other child. I love them the same but their behaviours are often challenging and like you say they needs an awful lot of attention and sometimes I just want to have time for me. Even though the little one is with us they are much easier and me and dp will get nice time together then we never get at home.